My New Therapy :)

I've talked before about how expensive therapy is, and how I stopped going because I can't afford it.  The other downside to it is that every time I go my therapist makes me talk about my rape and I don't necessarily always want to talk about it.  I mean sometimes I do, and I'll blog about it.  But when I've had a really good day, the last thing I want to do is sit in a room for an hour and talk about the worst day of my life. She does this thing too where I have to close my eyes and picture I'm back in that apartment that night with him and I have to tell her what's happening and how I feel about it.  It's just draining. So I stopped going and now I decided I still need something therapeutic.....so I got a pet bunny!

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping with Lauren and we went in the pet store and I wanted a puppy and she tried to convince me to get one, but I knew a dog wasn't a good idea since I live in a little shoebox apartment. So we went over to look at the rabbits and I started squeeling about how I wanted one. Lauren (Ms. Enabler) started listing off every reason why I should get one....and so I bought this little caramel colored one with a white spot on his head. His name is Mufasa :)

I was having a not so great day today and was just feeling kind of down for no particular reason. When I got home from my part time job, I sat by Mufasa's cage and watched him play. I took a nap and when I woke up he was jumping around chasing a fly.  I was talking to a friend about having an off day and I started crying and Mufasa jumped over in my lap, climbed up my shirt, sat on my shoulder and fell asleep.  He made me feel so much better.

I think having something to take care of will make things a little easier sometimes.  I think having a little ball of fuzz to cuddle with whenever I want will make it better too :)

The lights the lights the lights the lights

Why is it that the weekend always goes by so fast? I feel like I've hardly had a chance to relax and breathe! I spent time with Amie and co on Friday night, Whitney and co Saturday night and then worked all day today. And for those of you wondering why I was working on a Sunday....in addition to a full time teaching job I still hold a part time child care job. I know I'm crazy, but I'm so nervous when it comes to money that having that little bit extra makes me feel safe. All of the kiddos I took care of today were wonderful and I actually had fun. I got home and made burrito casserole (I'm so impressed with myself) and now I'm waiting for Once Upon a Time to start. Once my show is over I plan on taking a ride to Greensboro to continue a tradition I started last year which is kind of the whole point of this post.

Last year after having a pretty bad panic attack, I decided to take a drive. I was just going to drive around aimlessly, I had no destination in mind, I just wanted time to clear my head and calm down. So I started off and after a few random turns I ended up in a neighborhood in Greensboro with the most beautiful lights I had ever seen. For those of you who don't live around here I'll describe them as best I can. They're like balls of Christmas lights hanging from trees. Most are round, some are in different shapes and they line the entire street. When I first saw them I pulled over, got out of my car and walked up and down that street for an hour.

This was at a point in my life last year when I was extremely depressed. I was in such a dark place and nothing could pull me out of it....except for these lights. After that first night I would make sure that every evening I would go to Cookout and get an eggnog milkshake, listen to Christmas music and drive up and down the street looking at the lights. I have never had anything impact me quite like this did. These lights brought me so much joy that I would start crying sometimes while I drove because I was so happy. I would be at the apartment miserable, laying around feeling worthless but as soon as I got to this street something in me would just shout "you're ok!" And I would just feel so wonderful tht I would t want to leave.

Those Christmas lights hold such a special place in my heart which sounds so dumb. I think though that this tradition is what got me through one of the toughest Christmas seasons I had ever had. I wouldn't be able to go home for Christmas or see my family and every other part of my life was crumbling. But those nightly drives made me forget about all of those things for a little while.

I will keep up this tradition until the day I die. It's too important a part of me and my history to give up. I don't always go by myself....I dragged my mom when she visited after Christmas last year. It always bothers me though when I tell people about it and they go "oh I should do that too!" No. You shouldn't. Unless you come with me :)

I can't wait to go get my milkshake and take my little trip!

Sleeeeeepy

I am so exhausted! I had such a full thanksgiving break that I'm struggling to recuperate! I had so much fun at home. I got to eat yummy thanksgiving food, went Black Friday shopping, and got to shop in Elmwood and check out all of the cute little shops there. The best part if that Saturday was walking down the street and having it start to snow. It was my favorite kind of snow...the prettiest kind. Small flakes gently swirling around like we were in a snow globe....it was perfect! I was even excited about snow getting stuck on my eyelashes :) we got to go to the food truck rodeo too! Love me some food truck food!

I was sad when I had to leave....I had a horrible trip home. What should have been a 10 hour trip took about 13. I never stopped to eat so by the time I got home my legs felt like jello, my hands were shaking and I could barely keep my eyes open!

School this week has been good! I've been soooo tired though. The kiddos have been pretty good about dealing with my deliriousness and constant laughter, they already think I'm crazy so I guess they're used to it :) I've been in bed by 8 (sometimes earlier) every night this week. So glad it's almost the weekend!!

:)

Thankful

With Thanksgiving coming up this week I wanted to make sure I made a list of everything I am thankful for. I know I won't get a chance to do it later this week since I'll be with my crazy family (they should probably all be committed ;) ) so I'm going to do it now.

1. I am thankful for my mom and all of the support she has given me my entire life. She has been dragged through many adventures and never once complained. She has given me her sarcasm and sense of humor and has helped to make me who I am.

2. I am thankful for my daddy. He has always been there for me and can be counted in for a hug whenever I want to cry. He's always supported every decision I've made. I've inherited his cackle ;) and his social butterfly personality. I could not have asked for a better dad.

3. I am thankful for my sisters Megan and Katie. Though we don't always get along they are two of my best friends.

4. I am thankful for Sarah Rose Gravel. No matter how far apart we are we always seem to pick up right where we leave off. She's always there when I need to vent and she's always good for a laugh. I love my BFF rose :)

5. I am thankful for my job. I could not have asked for a better school to work at or for better teachers to work with.

6. I am thankful for my students. I love those sweet kiddos and could not have handpicked a better group. They always manage to put a smile on my face even when I'm having a horrible day.

7. I am thankful for my life. It's a good one despite the obstacles.

8. I am thankful for the fact that I ate a candy cane Hershey kiss this morning and couldn't even remember why I stopped eating mint things (and those of you who've followed this blog from the beginning should know this is a big deal)

9. I am thankful that I have gone 2 full weeks without night terrors!

10. I am thankful for Whitney. She has been with me through a lot. She watches superhero movies with me, laughs with me, lets me borrow her shoulder, eats food with me, shares a fro yo obsession, and acts a fool with me. She's a great friend and I'm glad I found her :)

11. I am thankful for Lauren. She forced me to eat biscuitville, lets me listen to Christmas music with her, doesn't mind when I lay down on the couch in her classroom, doesn't complain when I take my shoes off in her room (even though my feet were smelling pretty ripe) and laughs with me. She's a pretty good coworker and friend :)

12. I am thankful for every person in NC who has become family. Some if my favorite people in the world who are always there when you need them :)

I know there are a lot more things I am thankful for, but this list will do for now! I hope everyone has a wonderful
Thanksgiving and can enjoy the time you spend with your families....I know I will!

Things I Would Tell Past Me

I was thinking the other day and came up with things I would tell Past Kayleigh right after she was raped if I could go back in time.

1. Don't let him intimidate you. This is not your fault,it's his. He chose to do this and you need to stand up for yourself.

2. Go to the police. Right now. Do not
stop and think, just do it.

3. You are not going to get in trouble for drinking underage....that should not stop you from going to the cops for being attacked. He'll get in more trouble since he supplied you with alcohol.

4. Your 21st birthday is in 17 days. You do deserve a birthday and you deserve to celebrate cause you survived.

5. Don't be afraid to cry. Bottling it all up makes you feel worse.

6. You will reach out for help after too long and you will feel weak. You are not weak, you're strong.

7. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for a shoulder to cry on. Whitney has the most comfy shoulder and will let you snuggle with it when you have a bad day.

8. Your so called friends will treat you like garbage. Stand strong and don't make excuses for those cowards.

9. You will be vulnerable and people will take advantage. You have GOT to
stand up for what you want.

10. You will get to a point where you will want to slap the next person to tell you that being attacked was Gods plan for you. Refrain from violence, they don't mean anything bad by it.

11. You will struggle with religion and whether or not you believe in God anymore. You'll question how He could allow you to go through such a horrible situation. Push through. You will realize you do believe and you'll start praying again. You'll still want to know what you're supposed to even do with what you've been given, but you'll figure it out.

12. People will open up to you and you won't know how to respond. Be honest and speak from your heart.

13. Your family is the most important thing you can have. Not just blood family....you'll create a family in NC and they will be your biggest supports. Reach out to them when you need to....they love you more than you allow yourself to believe.

14. Journal. Write every single thing down. As much as you think you want to forget, you'll also kind of want to remember once in a while.

15. Enjoy your life. It's well deserved and living is always something you've loved and excelled at.

16. Remember the kind of person you are and want to be and do everything you can not to stray from that.

Disturbing News

I am having so many emotions right now. I am shocked,horrified,disgusted,sad,angry and just upset in general. I got a phone call this evening that was very disturbing and upsetting. It has taken me a couple of hours to even find the words to describe how upset I am right now.

I have talked before about the sexual assault nurse who I saw at the hospital after I was raped. I got a call today from the hospital inquiring about any health issues I had afterwards and whether or not I had gotten pregnant and had a baby due to my rape. I informed them that I had not and asked why. What they told me next sickened me.

The assault nurse has been fired and is under investigation for switching out the Plan B and giving women a totally different pill that was not emergency contraception. They aren't confident that I was given Plan B like I was told.

For those of you who don't know Plan B is an emergency birth control pill. You have to take it within 72 hours of having sex to stop any pregnancy from happening. That was the first thing I asked for at the hospital after I was raped. I did not to be pregnant, I did not want a baby. I did not want a constant reminder of what was done to me, I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle giving up a child, and I could never go through with an abortion because I just don't believe in it (that's just a personal choice, I don't judge any one who has chosen that route) I begged the doctor for that pill because that was the only thing I felt in that moment that I had control over.

Doctors and nurses are supposed to be trustworthy. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I can trust the person giving me medical help. I really should not have had to worry about a nurse who was trained to help rape victims. I don't know who I can trust.

The hospital representative said they were calling everyone who saw her during a certain time period and asking the same questions they asked me. I brought up the fact that she did not do every procedure with me that she was supposed to. He said that I was not the first person to tell him that and that they were also looking into that as well. If she had done her job, he might be behind bars right now and he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.

You know what else I found out? At least 3 other women she examined during that time had become pregnant and had babies after they were supposedly given the Plan B pill. It makes me so sad and I find myself consumed with a lot of "what ifs" tonight. What if that had been me? What if I had reported my rape sooner...would I have had a nurse that did her job correctly? What if I had fought and told her to do every portion of that rape kit even though she thought it would just traumatize me all over again. I would have gotten over it.

I've been crying on and off since that call. I feel sick to my stomach. The world is cruel and life is harsh and sometimes when these things happen I wonder how I was able to even start recovering. This turn of events has me confused and my mind spinning. I don't even know what to do with myself. I could use all of the prayers and support I can get as I try to make it through these next few days sorting it all out!

I'm closing this out with a line from one of my favorite songs right now....Hall of Fame by The Script "You could walk straight through Hell with a smile" I have found myself really relating to that line. Because I have been through hell and I've slapped a big smile on my face and have had a good attitude. For now though I'd love to curl up and cry. Sometimes you just can't be strong every day.

Happy Days :)

I was so busy last week I never had a chance to post!  I've been having a great week so I wasn't even sure what to talk about on here since most of the time I talk about the tough stuff. But I decided that I should  write down the good stuff too so that later on when I'm having a rough day I can look back and see that things can always get better!

Taking my medicine was rough at first, it was taking my body forever to get used to it but now I'm used to it and it's making me feel sooooo much better! I can tell it's working and I'm so thankful to be able to function like a normal human being and not stress out about everything. 

School is going so great and my students are so sweet! It's only the end of October but I can already see how far some of them have come. The way they all support each other is amazing and I love seeing it and bragging about them :) This week was a long week and it absolutely exhausted me, but it was still wonderful. Fall Festival was Friday so it was a long day....brought exhaustion to a whole new level, but seeing the looks on my student's faces when they saw me and all the hugs and smiles I got from them made that long day SO worth it!

Lauren made me go to Biscuitville for lunch yesterday and I'm so glad she did. Soooooo good! I was able to spend time with Whitney yesterday too! I finally saw Batman and we got to catch up and swap stories and it was great.  I even went to school for a little while with Lauren yesterday and got some work done. I finally feel like I'm getting caught up!

I am realizing this week that I have so many great things going for me right now. I am so grateful for the friends I've had and for the friendships I'm building. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world and have been blessed with the world's sweetest children in my class. I feel great and hope to stay that way for a long time. 

:)

Not What I Was Expecting

So tonight I have the opportunity to go to my doctor and speak to him about getting me on anxiety medication. I was actually excited about this and thinking I might finally start feeling better. He saw me and I told them the issues I was having and he looked concerned.  He told me that nothing was adding up so I decided to tell him my background. I would like you to try and picture the look of shock on his face. He was floored and said you would never know what I'd been through by looking at me.

He asked if I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I told him I had been. He left the room and came back and started asking a ton of questions. Suddenly he told me my depression is back which is causing the anxiety and night terrors. Word. He asks some more questions. Then he says "I'm diagnosing you with OCD as well. Sometimes that goes in hand with the PTSD and some of the behaviors like checking your locks at least ten times before bed are definitely not healthy and normal."

I was very upset! I went to get medicine....not another diagnosis. Im still not feeling it, feel a little like chief (someone get me some dang juicy fruit) and hopefully I'll get over it quick. I just needed to write it all out to feel better. I need a hug. LOVE ME.

On that note I'm going to bed....I'm pretty over today

Above and Beyond

I went to Target this evening to check out the clearance (I am sooooo obsessed with clearance shopping, it's one of my many talents ;) )  and I ran in to someone who I never expected to see ever again in my life.  Before everyone gets up in arms it's actually someone I was happy to see!  I've talked before about the SAN at the hospital who was an idiot, but I never talked about any of the other hospital staff I saw.

The woman I ran in to at Targhetto was the first nurse I saw in the emergency room, and the first person who made me feel like if I could survive I could do anything.  The night I reported my rape and went to the ER I was just in a total state of shock, I could barely function. I was sitting in the examining room with Cassy and a tv was on and on that tv were old episodes of Law and Order SVU.  That's exactly what every rape victim wants to be watching over and over again right after she's been attacked. Seriously? I was keeping it together for the most part until I called my mommy and told her what was going on.  Somehow admitting what had happened to my mom was something I couldn't handle and I completely broke down and cried. I don't even know that what I did could be classified as just crying.  I was sobbing, I couldn't breathe, I could barely speak and I apologized a lot. Can you BELIEVE that I APOLOGIZED for being raped? Like it was somehow my fault? So ridiculous.  I remember that during this phone call the nurse walked into the room and immediately walked back out.  I figured I had made her uncomfortable with my nonsense.

I was wrong.  She returned 5 minutes later with a bottle of water and a candy bar.  When Cassy left and Sarah switched in, the nurse sat with me telling me everything would be ok.  She told me about her own experience with sexual assault, admitting that she had been raped when she was in high school but never told anybody until years later when the memories finally got to her.  She told me she already knew I was strong because I had had the courage to report it, I had stood up for myself and said no, I had FOUGHT.  At the time I didn't realize the importance of my conversation with her.  That woman sat with me in that room until the SAN got there to do my rape kit.  She realized what was on tv and turned the channel, she got me water when I needed it, and she sat quietly and listened to me cry when I needed her to. Best nurse ever.

I had always wished I could have thanked her that night for everything she had done for me, but being so preoccupied I never thought of it.  When I saw the nurse at the store I immediately knew it was her, but I knew she would have no idea who I was.  I started walking towards her and all of a sudden her jaw dropped and she said "OH MY GOSH I REMEMBER YOU!" And she truly remembered because she started talking about things that only a person who had been in that examining room would know.  I was finally able to thank her for everything she had done and I am so glad I had the opportunity to do so.

All and all I've been having a good week, and this just made it better. I'm trying to get an appointment to see my doctor about medications so hopefully I'll be able to say next week that I'm even BETTER. :)

Wonder What's Worse

I am SO behind on this! I have been so extremely busy (which is a good thing I think) and I've barely even looked at my computer.  Anyway, while I was driving home this afternoon I started thinking about stuff and I started wondering which is worse.....actually being assaulted or being related to/close to someone who has been.

I mean, I know my problems have been extreme, and that I have been struggling for 17 months. But I truly wonder if it was harder to be my mom, dad, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle, best friend.  Not that all of those people knew about what was going on at the same time.  I'm thinking back to this time last year when I was so depressed I could barely function. I missed my parents so much I would make myself sick, yet going back home was not an option because in some weird way I was happy where I was.  One sister had to listen to me complain, while the other one kept it a secret that she had even known I was raped.  Grandma didn't find out until I was in the hospital in January and could you imagine suddenly hearing that your kid/grandkid was being hospitalized because of something that happened months before that you were never told about?

My closest friends had to constantly listen to me complain about how hard everything was.  They still put up with that from time to time. Everyone I know had to put up with my mood swings, the constant crying, the panic attacks.  My roommates at the time were constantly awoken in the middle of the night by my screaming. 

This past year and a half has been SO hard for me.  It's better now, it really is. I think some of that might be due to the fact I'm so busy. Some of it has to do with how many months of intense therapy.  I seriously wonder though if it was more difficult being me during months, or if it was more difficult being someone who loved me and tried to ride it out with me.  I know that if roles had been reversed and I was the one comforting, that it would have taken a serious toll on me.  Doesn't mean I wouldn't have stuck around, just means I know it would have been hard. 

In other news, I want a tattoo.  I've always wanted one on my wrist, but I think that now I want it on the back of my shoulder. I'm thinking of either a small anchor (like itty bitty) because through everything I've been through I've tried to be strong and maintain my values and identity.  I'm also considering a tiny little peace sign.  I don't know. I don't even know that I would go through with it since I change my mind so often haha.

Thanks for reading my ramblings :)

The Best Dream Involving a Bad Situation

Felt like taking a break from doing stuff for school, and figured I'd blog instead :)

I had this awesome dream last night involving a lot of the stuff that's been happening to me.  I've been thinking a lot about what life would be like if You-Know-Who attacked another girl but actually got caught this time.  I know, I know....some of you are thinking "but he has gotten caught" but I'm talking like, what if he got caught and actually got arrested and had to go to court.  That would be the best news of my life.  I would never wish any of this on another woman EVER.  The emotional pain far outlives the physical pain and it's something you don't get over.  Therapy is expensive (part of the reason I quit) and sometimes it doesn't even work (shall we remember Therapist #1? a GEM that woman is....NOT).  I just want to make it clear that being raped is not something I would ever wish on another human being but I DO wish that he would actually have to answer to what he's done to me and who knows how many other women like me.  Jerk.

So anyway, back to my dream.  This dream started in a court room and I was testifying against You-Know-Who (I refuse to put his name on here not to protect him, but to protect myself. And just so we all know I'm talking about my rapist and not Lord Voldemort. BAM.)  Testifying against him has always been something I have been terrified of.  I don't want to see him again, I don't want to go to court.  Did you know that when rape victims testify against their attackers it's a lot like the VICTIM is the one on trial and not the person who actually committed a crime? It's ridiculous.  When I was first told he wouldn't be arrested or anything I was semi relieved because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with court.  So in this dream I'm sitting there telling the whole courtroom what happened, and You Know Who is sitting there staring me down the entire time.  Instead of panicking, though, I felt really confident and stared right back at him.  I got everything off my chest, I didn't get questioned about any of the choices I had made that night, and nobody I knew was in the courtroom with me (I always said if I had to go to court for this piece of trash I would want people there for me, but waiting outside so they wouldn't have to hear all of the details.).  This all seemed like it could be real life, he even got convicted and thrown in prison for life (rapists never get much jail time unfortunately).  Things only got weird when he got thrown into his cell and almost immediately was consumer by a velociraptor.  BEST. DREAM. EVER.

This is the first actual decent dream I have had in a few weeks.  I woke up pretty content haha. 

Life has been good, too.  This week started off rough, and should have ended rough since my neighbor decided to back into me with her freakin' car.  But I got to spend time with two amazing friends this weekend which made it all better.  The anxiety still goes up and down, and I was told by my doctor I have to stop taking the medication I was originally given for it.  Apparently this medication if taken over a long period of time will eventually have you dependent on it.  You're supposed to take it as needed, and since the need for it has been almost every day we decided to go without meds until he can find something that will work for me which is a big task.  I'm such a busy person that it's hard to find something that they can give me that won't make me want to sleep all day, but also won't eventually make me addicted. So wish me luck on that one!

I also just wanted to say thank you for the sweet messages I've been getting from many of you, and for all of the prayers. You can keep praying for me....I always need and appreciate them :)  I have made a decision to blog once a week, sometimes I might blog a little more frequently but probably not.  For anyone who checks this thing regularly (I know a lot of you do)  just go ahead and expect a post every weekend.  And if waiting a week to hear what is going on is just absolutely killing you don't be afraid to just ask me how I'm doing or what's going on.  I'm pretty open about all of this and I don't mind answering questions (as long as they aren't RUDE questions)!  Still can't believe that in a little over a week it'll have been 17 months!  Puts everything in perspective....I've come a long way!

Have a great week everyone! :)

I Just Want To Sleep

Ugh. This weekend, though productive and fun at times, was really rough.  I got a lot of stuff done and was able to spend time with friends, but when it came time to sleep every night it was awful.  Apparently my nightmares are making quite a forceful comeback and I am SO not ok with that.  Friday and Saturday nights I was thrashing around I guess....I'm guessing because my only indication was I woke up with everything on the floor and me hanging halfway off of my bed.  I also woke up in the middle of the night both nights screaming. 

I can remember bits and pieces of the things I was dreaming about, and they were scary and disturbing and things I wish I didn't have to deal with in my sleep.  I don't know why they're coming back out of the blue, maybe it's the time of year or something, but I want them to stop.  This is around the time last year that they started because this was around the time I started actually dealing with everything.  Maybe there's something in the air that's bringing it all back for me, maybe it's stress (I haven't really felt that stressed though)...who knows. 

I've had about enough though.  I remember being still asleep-ish and hearing screaming and thinking "I wish my neighbors would be quiet" only to wake up a few minutes later to realize it was me making all of that noise. So uncomfortable. And then of course I couldn't fall back asleep.  I was fortunate enough this afternoon to sneak in an hour long nap, but it just wasn't enough.  I'm getting ready to head to bed soon...it stinks because I have to get up so early in the morning. I would not wish this on anyone, seriously I hope none of you ever have to go through any of this. 

I'm not even sure these can be categorized as nightmares.  Sounds more like night terrors, but I could be wrong.  Sounds like something I am going to need to research.  At least these seem to be my only problem at this point! Everything else is under control, even the anxiety.  Or maybe this is part of the anxiety problem. Either way, most things are fine.  Oy.

Here's to hoping I actually get a good night's sleep tonight!

"Don't You Feel Like Things Would Have Been Easier For You If...."

Sometimes people annoy me. I haven't posted in a while cause there hasn't been much I felt like sharing....but today someone asked me a bunch of questions that really irked me so I figured I'd come complain about it. So I was having a decent conversation with someone who I've never been super close with, but they've been reading my blog and BOY DID THEY HAVE OPINIONS!

I'm just going to go ahead and list all of their ridiculous questions and my responses that I most definitely did not keep to myself.

1. Don't you think that if you had reported it earlier people wouldn't have treated you so badly and he would have been caught?
No. It's not like I waited days or weeks. I waited hours. Even if I had called 911 right after like I should have, he still would have gotten away with it and my life that first year still would have been a living hell.  Everything happens for a reason, and I think what happened to me was supposed to happen this way.  He'll get his eventually, when it's his time and when that time comes I will sit back, relax, and enjoy watching him squirm like the slimy little worm that he is.

2. You should have kept this a secret....what are people you work with going to think?
Thank you for telling me the things about my own life that I can and cannot share. I really appreciate it.  I share this link on Facebook and tumblr, and I'm only friends on FB with two people I work with and one of those people is Whitney who has been dragged along on this ride to begin with.  And I'm pretty sure the other one doesn't read this, and if she does well that's cool too.  I don't care what people think because it is not something that was a fault of my own.  This whole situation should not be a reflection on me in any way whatsoever, I did what I was supposed to do and someone took advantage of an unfair situation.  This honestly was probably the dumbest question I have gotten. I think for the first week or two I was worried someone would see it and spread it around but honestly now I just don't care.

3. If you had just kept it to yourself your family could have been spared, that wasn't very fair to them was it?
I guess it wasn't fair. But what happened to me wasn't fair either.  I have taken my family through hell and back with me this past year and they dealt with it, know why? Cause they're my FAMILY and that's what family does. 

4. Why did you make yourself seem so vulnerable that night?
Direct quote on my end "That doesn't even warrant a response. You may be one of the stupidest people I have ever talked to."

Sometimes I just really dislike people a lot. I know I put myself in a position where I'm open to a lot of criticism.  That's what happens when you air your business out on the internet for all to see.  I was just hoping that people wouldn't be such jerks.  And not everyone has been, but some people have been and good grief it makes me so mad.

Besides all of that mess, life has been good.  I've been so busy which is why I haven't been updating this often.  I quit therapy, which I think I mentioned earlier but it's official now. I'm so exhausted and barely ever home but I don't mind that either :) And hopefully I can start writing some more posts once things calm down a tiny bit!

Stress Free is the Way to Be

Finally found my medicine and should be good to go for at least 2 weeks until I can find a new Dr.  Yay! :) Today was the first day in weeks that I actually felt calm, and didn't have a huge knot in my stomach all day.  Doesn't mean today was perfect, just means it was pretty close until someone stupid ruined it. Oh well.

I decided to skip therapy today....I feel like it's not helping too much at this point.  I've been sort of bored the past few times I've been there.  The other people I talk to there are in a much different place than I am and I think that contributes to me not wanting to be there. I guess we'll see what happens.  I know I won't always be in a great place, but while I'm in a decent place I want to make sure I stay there for as long as possible and hearing other's stories doesn't really help that.

I have come SUCH a long way since last fall, it's incredible.  At this point last year I was battling severe depression and anxiety, I hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD yet and I didn't know how I was going to make it through.  I hated people, I was bitter, I was done.  Now I'm looking at today.  I have a great job, I've made some wonderful friends, I no longer battle depression, and I (at this point) am able to control my anxiety with a little help :) 

The things I've realized will never change are that I will always be a rape survivor.  That is something that will never go away and I need to start trying to accept that I was raped and move on with my life.  It's hard, and it will always come back to my mind.  I am not saying I will just forget about it and live like it never happened because THAT will NEVER happen.  What I'm saying is, I need to start focusing on the really amazing things going on right now. 

So I have a plan right now for staying in a good place and trying to be as stress free as possible.  I'll make a list:

1. Watch Dance Moms and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo as much as possible because both of those shows are so freaking funny.

2. Go bother Whitney as much as possible since we work together and never see each other and she makes me laugh.

3. Utilize the stress lego on my desk :)

4. Let the haterz be my inspiratorz

5. Whenever I think of the night I was raped and the guy who did it, remind myself that he WILL do it again (I already know he's done it at least one more time after me and got away with it again) and eventually get caught.

Number 5 is really important because I tend to focus on the fact that he hurt me and got away with it.  Guys like that almost always commit the same crime again.  I would never wish this kind of pain on another person.  I hope, though, that if he does do it again this girl will be braver than I was and go to the police right away.  I pray she doesn't wait like I did.

All in all I'm in a good mood today which was great because I was really able to see all of the positive things in my life.  I appreciate everyone who has stuck by my side :) And I appreciate new friends who decided I was still cool even though my life has been turned into a hot mess the past year!

I'm going to leave you with a quote I saw today that I am in love with. "Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive."  Watch out y'all I may be picking up the pieces (still) but I made it once, and I know I can make it through anything. COME AT ME LIFE. 

Welcome to My Struggle

I feel like even though I put everything out there for everyone to read, you can't really get a great feel for what I go through on a daily basis.  I've said before I have great days, I have OK days, and I have horrible days.  Today was a horrible day, and a perfect example of how these scars and this pain will never go away no matter how hard I try. 

I was on medication this past October through mid April.  I was taking it for anxiety and depression, and decided to quit cold turkey in April because I was feeling wonderful about life.  Today, I decided I need to go back on my medication for anxiety.  Do you know I was told once that anxiety is a fake affliction? If I could tell you honestly the tightness in my chest and the knot in my stomach I get when I'm anxious was fake, I would.  Those things are extremely real, extremely uncomfortable, and truly extremely embarrassing.  I don't want to feel this way when I'm under stress. 

The past couple of weeks have been mildly stressful.  Seeing a certain someone the other night added to that stress.  I have had a horrible time sleeping, my nightmares are coming back, and I feel sick every time I have to ask people questions.  This hasn't happened in months. Tonight I was babysitting and felt fine, but then I checked my email and Facebook while the kids were in bed.  I was bombarded with questions by people which is normally fine, but this time it just really stressed me out.  On the way home when I was left alone to just drive and think, I lost it.  It is so STUPID that little things built up to result in an hour and a half's worth of crying.  I hate crying. It makes my eyes puffy and unattractive and my nose runs and boogers just really gross me out y'all, it's messy and ugly.  NOT CUTE.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that if I had never been raped, I would not be going through this.  It's not fair. It's not fair. IT IS NOT FAIR.  He pretty much GAVE me PTSD, and that is something that is clearly clinging on a little too long for my comfort.  Fortunately, the depression part of it isn't making a comeback. I am SO happy with how my life is going (for the most part) which sounds like a contradiction to everything else I just said, but I swear it makes sense.  Unfortunately, the anxiety portion is the worst in my mind. I believe it's because I'm the most aware of the anxiety.  The depression wasn't noticeable until people started pointing it out....it's general fatigue and loss of interest and that wasn't a big thing in my brain.  The anxiety, on the other hand, is very 'there' to me.  It actually results in real, physical pain.  And it sucks. I hate it. I wish it would go away.

I am not happy tonight, I am aggravated.  If anyone feels like driving over here and giving me a huge hug (a good one not a stupid wimpy one) I would not be opposed. Unlike my last post, I have no personal space issues today. I want people all up in my grill :)  To some of you this all may sound like whining....but this is my reality. This is what I have to deal with.  And sometimes it just plain old sucks.

If I Tell You I Don't Want A Hug....I Don't Want a Hug!

Y'all. Anyone who knows me knows I adore hugs. I like giving hugs, I like receiving hugs. But there are some days when I honestly just don't want one and today happened to be one of those days.  So someone starts walking towards me, arms outstretched, ready to bring it in. I politely said "I'd prefer to go without a hug today...I'm just not feelin' it from anybody."  Her response was "Shut up you're getting one anyway." And she grabbed me up into a bear hug and I bristled, and couldn't breathe and wanted to cry.  These are not good things. If I ask you not to hug me, don't do it. Don't try to control me and act like you know what I want.  If I say something like that it means I don't want anyone touching me, and I'm uncomfortable and having a rough day.  I also don't want you to think you can't hug me....please do. But as soon as I say 'no thank you' you need to bring it back.  This post better not bring on a lot of "Hey! Is it ok if I hug you?" Just go for it and if I don't want you to I'LL TELL YOU.

Also today I thought I was done for.  I walk into Target and see the guy I was friends with before I was raped.  The one whose roommate raped me.  As soon as I saw him my stomach turned and I thought "this is it, I'm going to get killed in the middle of Target. At least I have witnesses."  I am serious. I was terrified.  He waved at me, but didn't approach.  I think it had something to do with the hand gesture I threw his way.  I will never understand how you tell your best friend it was her fault she was raped, harass her for a year afterwards, try to hunt her down, and then wave like you're BFFs when you run into her at the store. Where is that acceptable? Oh, yeah my bad. That's acceptable in this country where you can also rape a woman and get away with it. 

Can y'all tell I am just not having any of it today? This happens from time to time.  I showed up to therapy in sweats. Today I was merely surviving.  This will pass, I always make it ok through a day like this, but it still sucks when it happens.  I think that's the worst thing about this whole ordeal.   No matter what, I will always have days that are bad sometimes, I will always be scarred, and nobody will ever know exactly the right thing to say every time. 

Todd Akin-----Missouri's Biggest Moron

I am positive most of you have read what this idiot who is running for Senate in Missouri said.  He said that victims of "legitimate rape" can't become pregnant from said rape. Apparently women's bodies can detect when a rape is happening and their reproductive organs shut down and prevent them from becoming pregnant. Oh. My. Word. I have so many thoughts....SO MANY THOUGHTS.

First of all wtf is "legitimate rape"? Is that the kind where some masked stranger jumps out of the bushes in the middle of the night and tries to murder you at the same time? I'm just guessing. I'm disgusted by his implications that there is such a thing as illegitimate rape. This is not the olden days. There are several definitions of rape so go ahead and educate yourself. 

Next thing.....your body shuts down if you're being raped and you can't get pregnant? Is this a for real serious thought? He claims he's talked to several doctors who have said this is true. I want names. They need to lose their right to practice medicine.  If this were true why doesn't your heart shut down when you're scared? Why don't our lungs protect themselves if we smoke (which I don't do...just an example)? Why don't my intestines go into protection mode when I eat greasy food that makes my stomach turn? Why doesn't my liver walk away and shack up with my appendix for the night when I drink too much? If my other organs can't protect themselves from dangers then I don't think my reproductive system can. Is there some alarm system on my ovaries? My eggs carry swords and Captain America shields? Do I have little reproductive ninjas inside of me that can sense bad sperm? Seriously. I would love to know. The part about that claim that upsets me most is that this was something I had to worry about. I took emergency contraception at the ER and was told that it wasn't guaranteed to work. I was told that I should take a pregnancy test when I went for STD screening in a month.  Something I had to think about was what I would do. Abortion? I didn't want that....I don't believe in it really and just didn't see that as an option, but I didn't want to be pregnant. Adoption? I didn't want to be pregnant and remain pregnant....what a reminder of my rape that would be every day. And I wasn't sure I could hand over a baby.  Keep it? How could I treat a little human being fairly if I knew every day that this person was not created because I wanted him or her....they were created because I was attacked. How could I live with a reminder the rest of my life? These were decisions I never ever wanted to have to make and fortunately I didn't have to.  The point is, though, that this was something I lived through and you have some old white dude telling the world that I never would have had to worry had I been legitimately raped.

Todd Akin you make me sick to my stomach.  People like you are the reason people like me get so much crap when we've done nothing wrong.

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Night

I've been having a weird night and just felt like writing all of this stuff down might make my head stop spinning.

I was watching Easy A earlier which is one of my favorite movies ever! I watched it for 3 weeks straight last year when it was on Netflix. Why did I watch it so much? Because while my world was being flip, turned upside down (if you caught the Fresh Prince reference there you get major brownie points!) Easy A remained funny. As stupid as it sounds, that movie was my constant. Emma Stone was still hilarious no matter how many times I watched the movie and I loved the fact that I was able to remove myself from my problems and concern myself with the problems that arose in the movie. 

You may be wondering why I'm even talking about this movie. See, the thing is, while I was watching the movie today it brought me back to the worst time I've ever had in my life. I could remember (in great detail) being raped, going to the police, telling my roommate, telling my parents, and being ripped away from everything that made sense and taken back to NY. Looking back I guess nothing made sense at all, but I didn't want to go back to NY all summer. I hated my parents for bringing me home (I felt like I had been pushed into it...when I had talked to my Dad on the phone it sounded like I didn't have a choice).  Even though I know now that going home was the best thing for me, all the feelings of doubt I had came rushing back today. 

I don't resent anyone for any decisions they made, or pushed me to make...I really don't. Honestly I couldn't have done better at the time! My brain was a pile of mush if I remember correctly. I couldn't function, I was running on little sleep and I thought that if I just denied anything ever happened I would be able to live normally like I always had.  My parents and the people who stepped in right away actually probably saved me from myself and I just refused for a while to see it that way.  Looking back, getting an hour of sleep a night, refusing to eat, and locking myself in my room most likely were not helpful to me at all.  I remember one night I baked banana nut muffins at 3am and couldn't eat them. So instead, I took the plate outside, walked over to the train tracks and threw them at a fence. Cause that was healthy and safe.

I had to meet with the police a lot back then too and that sucked. Remembering it was worse.  I was the one being interrogated (at least it felt that way).  There were parts of my attack I couldn't remember (I still to this day cannot remember....things come to me in pieces, but I'm pretty sure out of sequence) and the detective kept pushing and pushing for me to remember. So I finally made something up. Do you know what he said to me? "Is that what actually happened or did you make it up so I would stop asking you?" Seriously dude if you're going to work in the Special Victims Unit you need to get your act together. Don't you DARE treat me like I'm the one who did something wrong. Let's not forget I was the victim in all of this. Law and Order SVU lied to me, detectives aren't that nice....they kind of suck. Well at least the one I had to deal with did. I may have called him some rude names after he said that to me....it was kind of a knee jerk reaction.  That was how I was protecting myself.  Don't pass judgment on me when you don't know what I've been through, and you better not pass judgment when it's your JOB to find out. 

I remembered going to the ER.  I remembered the Sexual Assault Nurse I had to put up with. I liked her at first until weeks later when I figured out she skipped over a crucial part of my exam so she wouldn't 'traumatize you again'.  It's her job to take some more invasive measures than she did to see if there was any forensic evidence she could use against a rapist.  She didn't do those. I hadn't really ever needed to go see a girly doctor (I'm only calling her that so I don't have to look up how to spell the correct name haha) and the tools this nurse was supposed to use are things that would have been used in a typical exam there. She told me that it was unnecessary to do that because she wouldn't be able to find anything anyway since I had showered several times before hand.  I found out 3 weeks later from my normal doctor that if she had done what she was supposed to she could have found something (the evidence they needed would not have disappeared because of a few showers) and it may have been able to create a case against the guy who attacked me. I was livid. This was 2 days after I found out the charges had been dropped.

I remember being judged by people.  I remember being judged by the nurse before my STD screening. I remember being judged by the woman taking my blood for an HIV test.  They looked so disgusted, like I was the nastiest thing on the planet.  I shouldn't have had to defend myself or explain, but I did anyway.  Do you know what it feels like to have everything taken from you, to have everything you've ever known not make sense anymore, to feel violated and alone, to feel desperate for an answer to "why", to feel like scum because people make a choice to judge you based on someone elses' actions?  It freakin sucks.

I chose to blame myself for a really long time. I still do. Even 2 days ago I was thinking about it and thought "maybe if I hadn't been drinking this never would have happened..." "maybe if I had stopped being friends with ---- this never would have happened".  The thoughts go on. If I hadn't gone upstairs, if I had fought harder, if I had just gone home before anything got serious.....  Maybe I never should have called the police. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to press charges.  Had I overreacted? Maybe I had wanted it to happen and just freaked out at the last second.

Those are all things that have gone running through my brain time and time again.  I know in my heart that nothing I could have done would have stopped him, I know that I wasn't overreacting and that I NEVER wanted anything to happen. It just sucks that I have to live the rest of my life being judged for something I had no control over.

Stupid Things That Send Me Spiraling

There are so many things that I never- used to think about. Now when I see, hear, taste, smell certain things you know what happens? I freak the hell out. And when I say these are stupid things, I am not kidding. Simple everyday things send me into the worst moods ever and I hate it. So this post is dedicated to a list of those things and why they make me so uncomfortable.

Mint Toothpaste- I tried to use mint toothpaste three different times after I was raped.  I threw up all three times (no this is not an exaggeration) and was sent into a fit of tears every single time. Do you hear me? EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  Why does it bother me so much? Well my attacker's mouth smelled and tasted like mint toothpaste. Trying to use my normal toothpaste gave me awful flashbacks and made me so so sick. I would get this terrible anxiety and it was the weirdest thing.  When my mom came to visit me after Christmas I was still using bubblegum toothpaste.  She helped me ease into the cinnamon kind which made my breath smell 10xs better, but to this day I still cannot even look at any type of mint toothpaste.

Dove Soap- Dove Soap used to smell pretty fresh yall! But since the guy who assaulted me smelled kinda like the scent I used to buy, I can't use it anymore. Good thing there are other shower gel scents I like, or else this would have been the worst. Forreal. 

Pepperoni Pizza-  This one makes me mad. I freakin' LOVE pepperoni pizza! But that is the last thing I ate before I was raped and the smell and taste do the same thing to me that toothpaste does. I will admit, I ate some pepperoni pizza this summer (from the same place I had it from last summer) and did ok. So maybe what this boils down to is that I need to take baby steps, and not rush right back to the things I used to love. 

Music- There are certain songs that I just cannot listen to anymore. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana is the very last song I heard before I was trapped with the scum of the earth. I never liked that song to begin with but now I REALLY hate it.  I was in the car with a friend once and it was playing and I asked her to turn it off. She started teasing me about it and said things like "Oh come on this song is not THAT bad!" In my calm, cool, and collected manner I obviously started screaming "turn it off!" like a mad woman. I'm not ashamed. This was months ago, back in September if I remember correctly. I remember telling my mom that story a couple months ago when the song came on the radio and I asked her to turn it off. She told me I couldn't just freak out and yell at people like that. Well, at the time I could. Sorry I'm not sorry. There are some other songs from that summer too that are hard for me to listen to also, but that stupid Nirvana song tops the list.

Compliments- I struggle with this one A LOT. Especially compliments from guys....that's the hardest for me to deal with. When you get hurt by someone like my rapist, someone who told you how beautiful you are while he's hurting you, it's hard to bounce back.  I'm getting a little better dealing with all of this, but it's still hard. My friend's neighbor kept telling me at her Halloween party this past year how cute I was.  He took his time pointing out everything he liked about my face. I wanted to throw up.  Also, he kept touching my face which would have irritated me whether I had been raped a couple months before or not. KEEP YO HANDS OFF MY FACE BRUH. Thankfully when I get compliments now I don't want to necessarily vomit, in some cases I DO get a little uncomfortable though. Like I said, I'm getting better....it's a work in progress.

Those are just a few of the things that send me reeling. There are more, but it's nothing I want to post on the internet or explain...I feel like I'm already being overly generous in what I've been sharing so y'all will survive.  I've tried to explain to some people about things that trigger me, but they just don't understand.  This isn't one of those things where I'm just deciding to not like these things.  Hating all of this stuff is not a conscious decision.  It's just something that happens.  If I could control the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see, hear, taste, or smell these things I would.  If I could make it so that all of these things didn't bring up the most painful memories I have, I would.  All I want is for someone, anyone, to understand that I can't control it....and that having people make comments about my reactions as if I'm being ridiculous and over-dramatic does not help me at all.

Speak

I was looking at a list of songs a teacher friend of mine sent me today that shows different works of literature and pop songs that were supposedly inspired by those works.  It's not accurate AT ALL, but one of the novels mentioned on there was Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.  I remember having to read that book my freshman year of high school in the only non-honors english class I took in high school (I'm totally bragging about how smart I am right now, deal with it.) If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It is an INCREDIBLE book. The movie isn't too shabby either even though it has Kristen Stewart....her lack of emotion and facial expressions actually really work in her favor this time around. They play it on Lifetime all the time!

Anyway, I was thinking a lot about the book and how much I had loved it. Melinda (the main character) had been raped at a party one summer, and started out the school year dealing with the emotional and psychological pain. She wouldn't talk to anyone and never told anyone she had been raped. The year I read Speak I found myself being angry. Why would she keep it a secret? Why didn't she say anything? Why would she let people go on thinking he was a nice guy!? I found myself cheering when she finally told towards the end. I'm starting to realize, though, that you really don't know how you'll react until you're thrown in that situation. I realized I am JUST like Melinda.

I have lived my entire life thinking "bad things don't happen to people like me".  I'm a nice person, I'm little miss social butterfly, I treat people with respect, I volunteer (a lot more back in the day than I do now, I'd like to work on that), I have a supportive and loving family and a great group of friends. Bad things don't happen to GOOD GIRLS. I was an idiot if I honestly thought that was true. So naive. With all of the crap I've dealt with in my life (before my rape) and seeing the types of horrible things that have even happened to the people around me, you would think I'd have a different mind set.  I always said that if anyone came after me I would fight tooth and nail, they wouldn't get away with it. I would scream, bite, scratch, spit, kick.....fight with everything I've got until I'd defeated my attacker! I would tell everyone what happened to me and inspire people to be strong like I had. That was my wonderful plan. So. STUPID.

My definition of strong back in the day was fighting and not letting things bother me. Then I was raped. I told my family and a handful of people about it and then hid it from everyone else for as long I could.  I stayed silent. I fought for a little amount of time while my rapist did whatever he wanted, and then I was so tired I didn't even care. I gave up. That wasn't my idea of being strong! My depression and PTSD? That was weak! I was disgusted with myself. How could I have done everything I swore I would never do in this situation? How did I even allow myself to end up in this situation? Surely I had done something to ask for it, clearly these things didn't happen to girls like me unless I did something to provoke someone. I went through so much self blame for months. I still have moments where I blame myself and feel guilty, and I've come to except the fact that I'll have to deal with those moments of doubt forever. It's easy to self blame when you're losing friends and people are choosing sides. If my friends aren't standing behind me then obviously I did something wrong.

I realize now, though, that I WAS strong. I wasn't being strong by my original definition, this was a different kind of strong.  I was merely trying to survive. Showing up to class and therapy in sweatpants and bedhead was not me giving up. If I had given up I wouldn't have shown up to those things at all. I realize now that I wasn't thriving during those days, I was surviving....struggling to keep my head above water.  Strong was walking tall even though people I used to call my friends were calling me names and harassing me everywhere I went.  Strong was being patient with my family even though sometimes even they said things that hurt me (yes this happened, no they didn't mean it, and for the record I never told them that. and also I know they're reading this....don't go getting all emotional or up in arms or demand instances because it isn't a big deal).  Strong was trying to complete my education even though I was at war with myself. Strong was pulling myself together and slapping a fake smile on my face for my students. Strong was staying calm when my tires were slashed and it became apparent there were people out there bent on hurting me. Strong was waiting until I was at home, locked in my bedroom, to cry. STRONG WAS SURVIVING.

Everything I swore wouldn't happen did. All of my naive opinions on the situation were clearly wrong. That's why it's so interesting for me to look back on how I felt in high school and compare it to the reality I live now. I'm really glad that Speak was brought up randomly to me today because it really let me see how much I've changed over time. Anyway....seriously if you haven't read it you really need to, and you should probably watch the movie too. It's pretty legit.

PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something I wish would go away forever. It's one of those things you don't hear about a lot (well at least I hadn't really heard of it), but when you do finally hear it you want to know everything about it. When you read stuff about it, you realize it's a mental illness...and that scares people.

As I've already said, I wasn't sure what PTSD was until I was told I had it. Sometime in September I started getting these horrible panic attacks, I would constantly have nightmares, I was depressed, and I didn't want to be around people. I just thought I was becoming bitter. I figured "Welp, this is how it's going to be. I'm going to be a basket case who hates people and ends up with 47 cats as her only companions." I had accepted it to a point and it didn't really bother me. 

The first panic attack I ever had really freaked me out. I remember it very well, and I could probably give a very detailed description of what went down. It was over nothing, really. I was sitting in seminar and we were talking about some of our assignments for the semester.  Anyone who has ever had to sit through a college class knows this can be stressful. I'd done this so many times, though, that I was surprised at the reaction my body had. My heart started racing, I couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was in a vice. That was honestly the scariest sensation I have ever experienced. When you get physically injured, you know what to expect. You know you'll have aches and pains, you know you'll probably need to take medication to deal with it....it seems almost obvious.  When you're injured mentally and emotionally, though, it's like you don't even realize there's a problem. Was I expecting to have this much of a reaction to everyday stress!? No way! Every time I would have one of these stupid things I would have to grab on to something (usually a table, one time it was Little Whit's hand bless her heart. I think I cut off her circulation) and try to breathe it out. When people would see me have one or would hear I'd have another one they were mainly worried. Sometimes, though, I would hear "next year you're going to have to teach on your own and won't be able to walk away when you need to. You need to pull it together." Do you know how irritating that is to hear? Do you really think I didn't realize I needed to pull it together? Maybe instead of pointing out the obvious and making me feel like I was being ridiculous, you could have supported me a little more. Thinking about that statement and how many people I heard it from still makes me angry and irritated towards those people, even though it hasn't been said in months.

Another issue I had were the nightmares. I still have them on occasion, but I kid you not for 2 months I had them almost every night. Sometimes it would be a replay of my rape, and I would wake up and just be really uncomfortable and sad. Most of the time it was this weird nightmare where my rapist would appear everywhere. He was the cashier at Walmart, the clerk at the hotel, the security guard at the mall, a professor at my school.  There was another one where I was walking through the mall with this 5 year old boy asking him what he wanted to be when he grew up.  As we discussed his dreams and goals for the future, he started slowly aging until suddenly he was the guy who raped me. Those two nightmares were ones that would send me thrashing in bed. I would wake up to hear screaming and realize it was my own. I think the reason that those two bothered me more than the flashback, is that the flashback was one small moment in time. The other two nightmares reminded me that he's still around, and that I'll always have to live with what happened to me.  It reminded me that he could still find me at that time if he really wanted to, and I didn't like that fact that he consumed my thoughts.

I cried a lot in those first months. I usually did it by myself, hiding in my room so that people couldn't see or hear me. One day during the week I was having such a hard time that I broke down in my car in front of a friend. We ended up being late for internship because I just couldn't reign myself back in, and I think that's when I (along with several other people) realized I wasn't as OK as I was pretending to be. I was really good for awhile for putting on a show. My motto was "Fake it till ya make it" and I was awesome at it. I could smile and make it look real, I could make myself laugh and talk and be pleasant.  When I didn't absolutely have to be around people, though, I would lock myself in my apartment and ignore everyone. If my roommates were home, I was in my room sleeping literally all day. If they were gone I would lay on the couch and zone out.  I had issues with people touching or hugging me without warning me first. I would flinch and I'd get weird looks. I didn't feel like explaining, so I would just walk away and hide. And as much as I kept to myself and ignored everyone, I desperately wanted people to come look for me and ask if I was OK. I wanted people to call and check in on me. No one ever did, but who can blame them? I was being anti social and they were doing what I actually asked which was to leave me alone. I didn't know how to verbalize that I wanted help.

Another thing that I experienced with my PTSD was the constant need for affection of some sort. I always wanted a hug, I always wanted to hear "I love you", I always wanted to be checked up on, I wanted to be reassured that people still loved me and wanted me around. I have NEVER been like that in my life, and it was so frustrating to suddenly need all of these things. I had severe anxiety about people deserting me, especially after losing so many friends, so I knew why I was feeling this way. It sucked because I felt like a little kid. I felt like I was constantly looking for attention which wasn't really my intention. No one ever complained or mentioned anything about it, if they even noticed, which I am extremely thankful for....but now that I think back on it I was a freakin WHINER. Someone should have punched me yall!

PTSD is something that's very real.  A lot of people have different experiences with it. It's something I still struggle with from time to time, but it has definitely gotten better. The important thing to remember is that people who deal with PTSD really cannot control what they go through. Be patient, be understanding and most importantly don't judge. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who mostly understood the things I needed to hear and feel, and I believe that truly made a difference.

Therapist #1----What a Gem!

Please read that title like it's dripping with sarcasm. I hate my first therapist. I saw her because I realized I needed help, and the counseling services at school are free. I know other people who have used the counseling and testing center and loved it, but I was not matched with a good counselor. I'm sure she was great with other people, but she wasn't familiar dealing with sexual assault survivors and she clearly struggled.

One session I was telling her about how I really had a hard time getting my feelings out there. I don't like any emotion besides happiness, and I refused to admit that I had a lot of built up anger, fear, and sadness. Her first piece of advice was to take the stress and anger out on inanimate objects in the privacy of my own apartment. Alright, I could handle that. Let me find some ugly dishes I can smash and a Louisville Slugger I can beat my mattress with. I threw some glasses outside which helped a little, and due to a lack of baseball bat I had to resort to beating my mattress with a hammer. Only slightly helpful...the hammer is so tiny and covers less surface area. LAME. Those things only provided momentary comfort, and I almost immediately went way back into my funk.

The next session I told her that breaking things wasn't really helping. So her advice was..."break things." Giiiiiiirl did you NOT just hear what I said? I calmly (okay maybe not so calmly, imagine me hyperventilating at this point) explained that I did not think that would work. So she told me to express my anger. She said "You can even use some 4 or 5 letter words if it would make you feel better!" Oh man I was cussing up a storm. I dropped my favorite word at the time that happened to start with an F so many times I lost count. I'll let you use your imagination for the rest :) After I was done, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest until I saw the look on Ms. Therapist of the Year's face. She looked me straight in the eye and goes "those weren't quite the words I was thinking of". I'm sorry Madam Psychologist! Were you expecting something more along the lines of "Oh fiddlesticks!" "What a meanie!" "I'm so angry I could just eat a pint of ice cream and cry it out to a Nicholas Sparks movie!"  Not my style. I'm a yankee and I've got some colorful language that works its way out in these situations. There are some people I don't swear in front of ever (my parents are not included in this club) but I felt like a therapist is someone I could do that with because she wanted me to express myself. Maybe she would have preferred an interpretive dance...I'm good at those! Ask my parents and Grandma about my "interpretive dance with pickle" to Purple Snowflakes that I whipped out in the middle of dinner one time. INSPIRED.

One thing this woman did accomplish was making me feel like a complete lunatic! Suicidal thoughts? Let me shout to the entire office that you need an emergency psychiatrist appointment because you're a self harm risk! Fleeting harmful thoughts you won't act on? HIDE THE RAZORS YALL AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL! Oh you're feeling depressed? That sucks....walk it off champ. The only good thing this goon has done is send me to the greatest psychiatrist ever. As soon as I walked in and told him why I was there he says "F***IN DBAG! Do you ever feel like you want to walk up to guys like that, cut off their d**ks and shove it down their throat!?" <---I just offended about 20 different people with that sentence...oh well. The point was this guy understood. He was as angry as I was and showed me it was ok to show it. I am so sad I don't get to be a patient of his anymore. Curse you graduation!

Therapist #1. You....I don't even know. I hope I was the only one who felt like you sucked. I cannot imagine anyone finding you helpful. Maybe you just weren't a good fit. I don't want anyone to read this and get discouraged about going to therapy, though. I have an awesome therapist now who is a perfect fit for me. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for a good fit :)

Looney Bin

I got to spend this evening with my friend Amie, and since I had so much fun and laughed so hard with her I'm going to continue blogging, but out of sequence. I feel like writing, but not about anything too heavy.  I want to be able to write about something I can sort of laugh about at this point. But first let me say I ADORE Amie...seriously. Tonight she said "Your blog is hilarious." Some of you will see that and you're probably thinking "what the hell is wrong with her?" BUT I was actually flattered. She knows the extent of the ordeal, she knows how it's affected me, and she also knows my sarcasm and sense of humor and how I deal with things. The little random commentary I've added in a couple posts were MEANT to make you laugh. Her exact words were "I can hear your voice saying those things while I'm reading them, I can hear the attitude and see your eyes rolling and it cracks me up." Good. Amie also confessed that she's a little overprotective of me (she totally is). She's like a Mama Pitbull....mess with me and she'll eat your face off. I confided in her that I wouldn't use the actual names of my ex-friend and his roommate in any of my posts and she said that if anyone wants to know those names to contact her and she'll share that info. I love her :)

Anyway, onto the story about the hospital. So one day I'm having an amazing day. I was in such a great mood! Student teaching had started, I was making great memories with friends and I was genuinely happy. That afternoon I had an appointment with my therapist at the time. She's kind of an awkward person and I didn't really feel like she was actually helping me. She gave the same advice over and over even though it was clearly not effective. I walk....no....I BOUNCE into her office and start telling her how awesome everything is. What does she ask? "Since I saw you last (a month ago) have you had any suicidal thoughts?" My answer? "Oh yeah, here and there. I don't have a plan, don't know how I'd do it, kind of a fleeting thought once in a while that maybe things would be better if I were just gone but no big deal. I wouldn't go through with it."  Apparently it was a big deal because all of a sudden we're making a safety plan and she's telling me to contact people to ask their permission to be my in-state emergency contacts, and then we're coming up with how to tell my roommates to hide all of the knives and razors and medications. Then BOOM my session is over and I'm leaving with my head spinning feeling absolutely insane. Was what I said really that bad? Was it really so alarming?? I get in my car and made a couple of phone calls to my emergency contacts. Then while I'm driving I call my mom and start sobbing, and she can't understand a word I'm saying and she's telling me to call Marilyn because she's actually in the state and nearby-ish and my mom's freaking out. So I call Marilyn even though I had just talked to her like 10 minutes ago, and I'm pretty sure I scared the life out of her, and she tells me to go into my apartment and find my roommate because my roommates were home and actually within 100 feet of me. SO I go inside and my roommate starts freaking out and trying to convince me to go to the hospital, and long story short I relented and suddenly she's driving me to a freaking mental facility. And at the time everyone thought that would be best because the people there are trained to deal with me. I'm not mad about how everyone reacted (except my roommates. one ignored me and the other one got super dramatic)...they didn't know what else to do and they love me and I know that's why the things that transpired did.

I get to this place and they tell me I can voluntarily be admitted or they'll just do it themselves. I voluntarily did it because I figured I had a better chance of leaving sooner if I did. I cried this entire time. I was scared! I walk into the back hallway and see people shuffling around in slippers and looking like something out of the movies. I was crying so much the nurse had to put a yellow bracelet on me that said "Fall Risk". For anyone who knows me, this is HILARIOUS. I don't need to be crying to fall. I'm a 24/7 fall risk. I still have that bracelet....I might frame it ;) I talked to my mom on the phone and she told me she'd be catching a flight out in the morning and be here in time for afternoon visiting hours. In my mind I was trying to plan my escape. I went and laid down, but I couldn't sleep. Finally a nurse walked in with a flashlight and was all "Hey want an Ambien to help you sleep?" I told her I loved her....and then I fell into a deep sleep for hours.

I was still in a bad mood when I woke up, and all through breakfast. There was this male nurse there and he was my favorite person in the world! He snuck me extra ice cream during our "snack times" and called me 'KC' and 'K Dizzle'. He made me feel like a person, and not a mental case like some of the other nurses did. My mom got there at lunch time and I cried again, and then I asked her to bring me decent food so I wouldn't whither away to nothing. Because, ya know, going one day without food would make me look like a skeleton obviously. After lunch I started loosening up a little bit, and started talking to the other patients. I even laughed a little. My mom brought me Cook Out that night (bless you Mother, bless you) and I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I was for greasy, fattening, delicious food. That night while she was visiting she got to meet one of the most interesting patients and his friend. I'm surprised more people aren't admitted after meeting this guy. Our favorite quote of his? While noticing that a visitor was looking at him in disgust after hearing some of our conversations he yells "Oh I'm in the nut house and I'm hearing strange things!" And my mom called the guys friend a rude name, but it's ok because he totally set himself up for it.

The next day the Doctor said I could go, and told me that he hoped that every rapist in the world could go to jail and get raped and see how it feels. Best psychiatrist ever. I'm sure they were glad to get rid of me. There was this guy whose name was Perry and I followed him around going "Hey, Where's Perry?" Phineas and Ferb reference...woo hoo! Probably not smart tormenting other patients, but ya know. My phone call to my mom was "They said I can leave. Hurry up and get me the hell out of here." She got me, my two favorite nurses said they hoped they never saw me in there again, and I walked to the car with my mom. She started asking me questions in the car and I really just needed her to leave the parking lot because I was afraid they would change their mind and run out and drag me back inside. I demanded she take me to Moe's for lunch so that's where we went. Three quarters of the way through my burrito I found a hair mixed with my beans and rice. I was so disgusted and grossed out that they should have just thrown me back in the looney bin. No joke.  My parents call me Chief because of this experience. If you don't know who Chief is, do yourself a favor and go watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Mmmmmm Juicy Fruit!

That Saturday I started developing a cold which I blamed on the roommate I had in the psych ward. We wanted to make tshirts that said "I went to the nut house and all I came back with was this stupid cold." I also made my mom spoil me rotten until she left that next Tuesday. We still make jokes about that whole experience. It wasn't funny at first. It was like a whole new trauma. But now my attitude is, if you can't laugh about it, what CAN you do?

I know there are people reading this judging me to the extreme, and you know what? Whatever. You wouldn't understand unless you had been in my shoes. The things that sucked afterwards? The fact that one of my roommates pretty much stopped talking to me right then. And I hope one day she sees this. She'll probably be mad, but she treated me like crap so she kind of deserves to be called out on it. Anyway I love my mom and dad and sisters for laughing about it with me. I love my friends for listening when I feel I need to bring it up. I love Marilyn for staying calm while I was having the biggest freak out of my life, and I love everyone who hasn't judged me on it.

If you want a vacation, though, I don't suggest checking in at a mental facility. Just sayin.

Questions I Should Never Have Had to Answer....But I Will

You would not believe the ridiculous kinds of questions I have gotten since my assault. Or maybe you will believe it, because that's just the type of world we live in. These questions have been heavy on my mind the last few days and I've decided the best way to deal with them is to answer them honestly. Being asked these questions has definitely been, at times, awful and irritating. People have made me feel like they're questioning the validity of my story. So why am I answering them now? Because maybe my responses will make some of you realize some of the things you've said were wrong, and maybe all of you will get a little more insight into how assault victims are continuously challenged.

1. Well, what were you wearing?
My favorite question. I was not wearing booty shorts, or some midriff baring top (an overweight 20 something in too tight clothes....that's appealing. I wish I could virtually roll my eyes.)  I was wearing an old tattered School of Ed tshirt, my comfy jeans that have a little give that I used to wear all of the time (and thanks to a certain someone those jeans are forever in an evidence locker with the FBI....thanks a lot dbag.) and rainbows. No cleav, no buns, no makeup, and I'm honestly not even sure I brushed my teeth that day to be totally and completely honest. And while we're being honest, I could have been wearing daisy dukes, my boobs could have been completely hanging out.....seriously I could have been laying there completely naked....and he still had NO right to attack me. Don't ever ask a girl what she was wearing when she was raped, makes you sound ignorant. Rapists don't only go for girls who look like America's Next Top Model...they go for girls who are in a vulnerable state that they can manipulate. Was I in a vulnerable state? I'll be honest again....I was drinking, I was having a low "I feel fat" day and the fact that this guy was still flirting with me made it possible for him to lure me into a trap I couldn't get out of. And that's all I gotta say about that.

2. Why didn't you fight harder?
&%^&%$%^&#%(*)(*@(! Are you  SERIOUS? You really think I didn't FIGHT? I scratched, bit, slapped, tried to squirm away. He was stronger than me and I was in a terrified state. The whole thing was so confusing and shocking I wasn't even SURE what was happening for a hot minute. When the physical fight wasn't working I turned to words. I pleaded, I begged, I made promises. Do you think that worked? No! He didn't care. After a certain point you accept that you'll probably die, and you lay there and take it hoping that he either stops hurting you soon or kills you immediately so you don't have to deal with it. That's the harsh reality of it, and I've gotten a lot of crap about having the wrong attitude in that situation. Screw you, I can have whatever attitude I want, did you not hear the part when I said I was pretty sure he was gonna kill me anyway? In that moment I really just wanted it to end and I didn't care how. And I never want to get this question again because someone will probably need to restrain me if I do.

3. Are you sure that's what happened? He's such a nice guy!
Yes I'm sure, no he's not a nice guy. There are a lot of things I would like to call him, but for the sake of those of you who frown upon swear words, I'll keep them to myself and yell them at inanimate objects while I'm home alone instead.

Let me preface Question 4 with this....this question has made this list because after it is answered the person who asked it almost always said "So are you sure you just didn't go too far and regret it?"

4. Were you a virgin when this happened?
Of all the personal questions you could ask, why this? I'm trying to do this thing these days where I keep no secrets so I will answer it....but it's a super awkward question when people you aren't that close to ask. I think I told my mom this answer (she NEVER asked...she's a smart lady, I just felt like getting it out there) and I was uncomfortable telling my mom. So anyway....yes I was. I wasn't unhappy with that either, I was pretty content with the fact that I'd wait until I was sure I was ready. I'm not really a one night stand, 3am one time hook up with a random guy type of girl (and I'm not bashing anyone who is, I'm just saying that's not my thing). I did not choose to have sex with him, he chose to take my right to decide away. I didn't consent and I had nothing to regret. Basically this question is just one of those things that make me cringe. Glad we got that over with.

5. Do you normally have a reputation?
Have I on occasion made out with guys while I was drinking for no reason other than I was drinking and thought it was fun? Yes. And I know I'm not the only one so don't you dare judge me for that. Do I have a reputation though? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Are you asking if I sleep around? Am I promiscuous? Do I throw myself at random guys? No, I don't do any of those things. Also though, I could be working the corner, sleeping with a different dude everynight, but as soon as I say no.....GAME OVER. Think before you speak. THINK. BEFORE. YOU. SPEAK.

6. Why aren't you over it already?
I'll be gentle with this response. I got this question after spending a month literally laying on the couch staring at the ceiling, barely talking, crying constantly, and never wanting to leave my apartment. At that point I was struggling with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. I was incredibly depressed, figured no one would care whether I was social or not, and really just did not care. I wasn't 'over it' because I hadn't really gotten a chance to grieve....that's right, grieve. I had lost a lot and had originally decided living in denial was way better than facing it. I will never get over it, this is a scar that you can't see but will always be there. There will be times I'll be triggered by something (for the longest time it was toothpaste...I'll explain in a later post) and lose it for days. All I ask is that people stay patient. It's a traumatic thing you go through and it's something I can't erase. Whether I wanted it to or not it has changed my life and my views on certain things. It has literally changed me forever. I will never 'get over it'. EVER.

If you're still reading this and aren't freaked out by how personal I got, I applaud you. I hope most of you are shaking your heads in disgust towards some of the things I've been asked and I REALLY HOPE that if someone were to tell you this happened to them you wouldn't ask one of these stupid questions. I pray that the first words out of your mouth would be "Are you ok? How can I help?"   

Friends

One of the very first things I had to deal with after I was raped was the backlash I received from my so called friends. As if being physically harmed wasn't enough, try having people you thought you could trust calling you names and telling you you asked for it. I heard the words slut, whore, bitch being hissed in my direction so many times I was beginning to believe they really truly described my character. Every time I told a friend why I disappeared to NY for an entire summer I cringed; waited to hear whose side they would choose to take. Why should HIS side even be an option? Why did people refuse to believe me?

I began thinking I really was crazy and have developed some awful trust issues since. I don't trust anyone. How could I after the way I'd been treated? First I was physically attacked, and now this? And let's face it, we can say that "sticks and stones" crap all we want, but words will ALWAYS hurt.

I started pulling away from friends who had stuck by me for the most part....I started pulling away from my family too. I didn't feel like explaining myself to people anymore and like I've already said, I trusted few people. I have to admit that some of the friendships that were destroyed were partially my fault. Note I said SOME not ALL. I took little comments personally, went after people verbally, and helped to destroy relationships I had tried so hard to keep together. Some of those people know I've taken responsibility for that and we've started to build those relationships back.

Walking around campus being harassed and tormented, though, were acts that were so unthinkable and ridiculous that I have no interest in reaching out to those people. You drove me to the brink of suicide, you made me feel alone, and you made me want to never deal with another human being again. I don't know how you can live with something like that on your conscience and have no regrets for your actions. It baffles me.

When I was in the hospital after having a complete meltdown, do you know how I was treated by someone I called one of my best friends? I was ignored, and looked at like I had some kind of disease she didn't want to contract. Another one told the roommate of my rapist where I lived, where I student taught, what car I drove. Those are two people that will never be forgiven (at this point, anyway).  You helped make my life an absolute living hell, I can never forget that.

It probably sounds like I have no friends at all, but I really do. There were some who were told about the entire situation and stuck by me the entire way. Shout out to Whitney who in my mind is a hero for making a phone call to me and also for letting me live on her couch for 2.5 weeks. She didn't have to do that. My friends who called to make sure I was ok, who lent a shoulder when I needed to cry it out, who kept me occupied so I wouldn't spend 8 hours a day staring at the wall (my favorite activity before I started getting help for my depression).....they didn't HAVE to do any of that. But they did. They did it because they are amazing individuals, they did it because they have huge hearts, and they did it because they were true friends.

I've been saying from the start that this entire thing sucks, but it has shown me who my true friends are and I will always be grateful for being able to see that. It's sad to know that I would have been there for anyone who needed me, and they couldn't bring themselves to do the same. I'm even blown away that after starting this blog last night, the friends I never told have rallied around me so quickly it makes my head spin.

If you're reading this thinking "people suck" well they do. But there are a lot of good people in the world....they're out there. They're awesome. And finding them has been worth all of the struggle.

Putting My Heart and Soul into This Blog

I decided I needed to start a blog for my own sanity and healing. Some of the things you'll read on here will come as a shock to you, as for the last year I have kept many things secret. I am done being ashamed, I am done being scared. I lost many things since May 6, 2011 but my voice is not one of them. I am writing this blog in the hopes that it will someday help another girl who may be just like me. I also hope it will help educate all of you on the effects of rape and sexual violence. The most important thing at this point is for you to know my story, and why I feel so strongly about this. To my family and friends who are reading this and had no clue, I hope you can forgive me for not being as open as you would have liked. I am not looking for anyone's sympathy......I don't want you to feel bad for me. That's not my purpose...my purpose is to use my words to help others understand.

On May 5, 2011 I went to a small party at a friend's apartment. I thought I would have a great night, I never expected my life to be completely turned upside down. By midnight there were only 5 of us left. We were drinking, laughing, listening to music, arguing about who would buy everyone pizza. One of his roommates was pretty cute in my opinion and I flirted with him like crazy. He flirted right on back and I really ended up liking him. He was funny, liked the same type of music and just seemed like a genuinely nice guy. I ended up kissing him....a lot, and after a while I noticed my friend being weird and just staring at us. When his roommate asked if I'd rather go upstairs where my friend wasn't being a total creep I agreed. There was a living room area up there and I felt safe with him. Biggest mistake of my life. To make a long story short, we ended up in his bedroom where he raped and threatened to kill me for 2.5 hours. The longest 2.5 hours of my life. I walked out of that room shaking and immediately asked my friend to take me home. 20 Minutes after he dropped me off he called to ask what happened. After I told him everything he told me that he was not blaming my rapist because I had been drinking and should have been more careful. I took a shower and went to bed. The entire next day I replayed what happened in my head. Had I wanted it? Was what happened to me ok? Why did I feel so disgusting? Was I that drunk? I was afraid to call the police because I wouldn't be 21 for a couple of more weeks and I didn't want to get in any trouble. After many hours, and 3 showers trying to scrub the disgust off of me, I called a friend and confided in her. Her reaction? "He RAPED you! Call the police I'll be there in 15 minutes." I will never forget that. Thank you Cassy for being there for me that night. The police came and took a statement and asked if I wanted to press charges. I did. I was then taken to the ER where I sat from 10:30pm until 8:30 am being poked and prodded, interviewed again and again. Going through the trauma of a rape kit in the hopes I could get some justice. I called my mom and finally broke down. The next week was filled with police interviews and physical healing. I was starting to realize that though my physical bruises were healing, I had a long road ahead of me for the mental and emotional bruises. In June I got the call that despite efforts from the detective working on my case, the coward who changed my life would never be formally charged or arrested.

In October 2011 I became so depressed I wanted to kill myself. I was about to do it when a friend called and invited me over that night, not taking no for an answer. I truly believe that phone call is what saved my life. After that I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on anti depressants and medication for anxiety. I slowly started returning to my "normal" self with a lot of help from therapy. In January I took a few steps back when I ended up in the Cone Behavioral Health hospital after a misunderstanding with my therapist at the time. That experience was terrifying to me....mainly because I had felt I shouldn't be there. After a change of therapist and medications I began feeling a lot better. In March my car was keyed and my tires slashed....I can only assume it was the jerks involved in my assault, which brought me back to an awful place. I was stalked and harassed and forced to leave my home. I no longer felt safe.

After moving in April I began to REALLY piece my life back together. I got a call in June that the guy who raped me was accused of raping another girl somewhere else. Her case was dropped as well.

Why am I putting all of this on the internet? Why am I telling you people? Because I have the hope that one day someone will see this and know that if I survived they can too. Did all of this suck? Hell yeah it did. Did I make it? Yes. Do I have a lot to look forward to? Absolutely. There are a lot of stories in the media about rape and sexual violence and I've realized so many people don't know the statistics, don't know how to handle the information they're given, and think 'that could never happen to me'. I never thought it could happen to me. I lived in a bubble. It sucks that it happened, but it really has made me stronger. And I'm ready to find my voice again. If you're still reading this, I hope you'll join me on my journey...and invite others to join as well. Who knows, maybe someday this could really impact someone.