Welcome to My Struggle

I feel like even though I put everything out there for everyone to read, you can't really get a great feel for what I go through on a daily basis.  I've said before I have great days, I have OK days, and I have horrible days.  Today was a horrible day, and a perfect example of how these scars and this pain will never go away no matter how hard I try. 

I was on medication this past October through mid April.  I was taking it for anxiety and depression, and decided to quit cold turkey in April because I was feeling wonderful about life.  Today, I decided I need to go back on my medication for anxiety.  Do you know I was told once that anxiety is a fake affliction? If I could tell you honestly the tightness in my chest and the knot in my stomach I get when I'm anxious was fake, I would.  Those things are extremely real, extremely uncomfortable, and truly extremely embarrassing.  I don't want to feel this way when I'm under stress. 

The past couple of weeks have been mildly stressful.  Seeing a certain someone the other night added to that stress.  I have had a horrible time sleeping, my nightmares are coming back, and I feel sick every time I have to ask people questions.  This hasn't happened in months. Tonight I was babysitting and felt fine, but then I checked my email and Facebook while the kids were in bed.  I was bombarded with questions by people which is normally fine, but this time it just really stressed me out.  On the way home when I was left alone to just drive and think, I lost it.  It is so STUPID that little things built up to result in an hour and a half's worth of crying.  I hate crying. It makes my eyes puffy and unattractive and my nose runs and boogers just really gross me out y'all, it's messy and ugly.  NOT CUTE.

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that if I had never been raped, I would not be going through this.  It's not fair. It's not fair. IT IS NOT FAIR.  He pretty much GAVE me PTSD, and that is something that is clearly clinging on a little too long for my comfort.  Fortunately, the depression part of it isn't making a comeback. I am SO happy with how my life is going (for the most part) which sounds like a contradiction to everything else I just said, but I swear it makes sense.  Unfortunately, the anxiety portion is the worst in my mind. I believe it's because I'm the most aware of the anxiety.  The depression wasn't noticeable until people started pointing it out....it's general fatigue and loss of interest and that wasn't a big thing in my brain.  The anxiety, on the other hand, is very 'there' to me.  It actually results in real, physical pain.  And it sucks. I hate it. I wish it would go away.

I am not happy tonight, I am aggravated.  If anyone feels like driving over here and giving me a huge hug (a good one not a stupid wimpy one) I would not be opposed. Unlike my last post, I have no personal space issues today. I want people all up in my grill :)  To some of you this all may sound like whining....but this is my reality. This is what I have to deal with.  And sometimes it just plain old sucks.