If I Tell You I Don't Want A Hug....I Don't Want a Hug!

Y'all. Anyone who knows me knows I adore hugs. I like giving hugs, I like receiving hugs. But there are some days when I honestly just don't want one and today happened to be one of those days.  So someone starts walking towards me, arms outstretched, ready to bring it in. I politely said "I'd prefer to go without a hug today...I'm just not feelin' it from anybody."  Her response was "Shut up you're getting one anyway." And she grabbed me up into a bear hug and I bristled, and couldn't breathe and wanted to cry.  These are not good things. If I ask you not to hug me, don't do it. Don't try to control me and act like you know what I want.  If I say something like that it means I don't want anyone touching me, and I'm uncomfortable and having a rough day.  I also don't want you to think you can't hug me....please do. But as soon as I say 'no thank you' you need to bring it back.  This post better not bring on a lot of "Hey! Is it ok if I hug you?" Just go for it and if I don't want you to I'LL TELL YOU.

Also today I thought I was done for.  I walk into Target and see the guy I was friends with before I was raped.  The one whose roommate raped me.  As soon as I saw him my stomach turned and I thought "this is it, I'm going to get killed in the middle of Target. At least I have witnesses."  I am serious. I was terrified.  He waved at me, but didn't approach.  I think it had something to do with the hand gesture I threw his way.  I will never understand how you tell your best friend it was her fault she was raped, harass her for a year afterwards, try to hunt her down, and then wave like you're BFFs when you run into her at the store. Where is that acceptable? Oh, yeah my bad. That's acceptable in this country where you can also rape a woman and get away with it. 

Can y'all tell I am just not having any of it today? This happens from time to time.  I showed up to therapy in sweats. Today I was merely surviving.  This will pass, I always make it ok through a day like this, but it still sucks when it happens.  I think that's the worst thing about this whole ordeal.   No matter what, I will always have days that are bad sometimes, I will always be scarred, and nobody will ever know exactly the right thing to say every time.