There are so many things that I never- used to think about. Now when I see, hear, taste, smell certain things you know what happens? I freak the hell out. And when I say these are stupid things, I am not kidding. Simple everyday things send me into the worst moods ever and I hate it. So this post is dedicated to a list of those things and why they make me so uncomfortable.
Mint Toothpaste- I tried to use mint toothpaste three different times after I was raped. I threw up all three times (no this is not an exaggeration) and was sent into a fit of tears every single time. Do you hear me? EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Why does it bother me so much? Well my attacker's mouth smelled and tasted like mint toothpaste. Trying to use my normal toothpaste gave me awful flashbacks and made me so so sick. I would get this terrible anxiety and it was the weirdest thing. When my mom came to visit me after Christmas I was still using bubblegum toothpaste. She helped me ease into the cinnamon kind which made my breath smell 10xs better, but to this day I still cannot even look at any type of mint toothpaste.
Dove Soap- Dove Soap used to smell pretty fresh yall! But since the guy who assaulted me smelled kinda like the scent I used to buy, I can't use it anymore. Good thing there are other shower gel scents I like, or else this would have been the worst. Forreal.
Pepperoni Pizza- This one makes me mad. I freakin' LOVE pepperoni pizza! But that is the last thing I ate before I was raped and the smell and taste do the same thing to me that toothpaste does. I will admit, I ate some pepperoni pizza this summer (from the same place I had it from last summer) and did ok. So maybe what this boils down to is that I need to take baby steps, and not rush right back to the things I used to love.
Music- There are certain songs that I just cannot listen to anymore. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana is the very last song I heard before I was trapped with the scum of the earth. I never liked that song to begin with but now I REALLY hate it. I was in the car with a friend once and it was playing and I asked her to turn it off. She started teasing me about it and said things like "Oh come on this song is not THAT bad!" In my calm, cool, and collected manner I obviously started screaming "turn it off!" like a mad woman. I'm not ashamed. This was months ago, back in September if I remember correctly. I remember telling my mom that story a couple months ago when the song came on the radio and I asked her to turn it off. She told me I couldn't just freak out and yell at people like that. Well, at the time I could. Sorry I'm not sorry. There are some other songs from that summer too that are hard for me to listen to also, but that stupid Nirvana song tops the list.
Compliments- I struggle with this one A LOT. Especially compliments from guys....that's the hardest for me to deal with. When you get hurt by someone like my rapist, someone who told you how beautiful you are while he's hurting you, it's hard to bounce back. I'm getting a little better dealing with all of this, but it's still hard. My friend's neighbor kept telling me at her Halloween party this past year how cute I was. He took his time pointing out everything he liked about my face. I wanted to throw up. Also, he kept touching my face which would have irritated me whether I had been raped a couple months before or not. KEEP YO HANDS OFF MY FACE BRUH. Thankfully when I get compliments now I don't want to necessarily vomit, in some cases I DO get a little uncomfortable though. Like I said, I'm getting better....it's a work in progress.
Those are just a few of the things that send me reeling. There are more, but it's nothing I want to post on the internet or explain...I feel like I'm already being overly generous in what I've been sharing so y'all will survive. I've tried to explain to some people about things that trigger me, but they just don't understand. This isn't one of those things where I'm just deciding to not like these things. Hating all of this stuff is not a conscious decision. It's just something that happens. If I could control the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see, hear, taste, or smell these things I would. If I could make it so that all of these things didn't bring up the most painful memories I have, I would. All I want is for someone, anyone, to understand that I can't control it....and that having people make comments about my reactions as if I'm being ridiculous and over-dramatic does not help me at all.
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