Wonder What's Worse

I am SO behind on this! I have been so extremely busy (which is a good thing I think) and I've barely even looked at my computer.  Anyway, while I was driving home this afternoon I started thinking about stuff and I started wondering which is worse.....actually being assaulted or being related to/close to someone who has been.

I mean, I know my problems have been extreme, and that I have been struggling for 17 months. But I truly wonder if it was harder to be my mom, dad, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle, best friend.  Not that all of those people knew about what was going on at the same time.  I'm thinking back to this time last year when I was so depressed I could barely function. I missed my parents so much I would make myself sick, yet going back home was not an option because in some weird way I was happy where I was.  One sister had to listen to me complain, while the other one kept it a secret that she had even known I was raped.  Grandma didn't find out until I was in the hospital in January and could you imagine suddenly hearing that your kid/grandkid was being hospitalized because of something that happened months before that you were never told about?

My closest friends had to constantly listen to me complain about how hard everything was.  They still put up with that from time to time. Everyone I know had to put up with my mood swings, the constant crying, the panic attacks.  My roommates at the time were constantly awoken in the middle of the night by my screaming. 

This past year and a half has been SO hard for me.  It's better now, it really is. I think some of that might be due to the fact I'm so busy. Some of it has to do with how many months of intense therapy.  I seriously wonder though if it was more difficult being me during months, or if it was more difficult being someone who loved me and tried to ride it out with me.  I know that if roles had been reversed and I was the one comforting, that it would have taken a serious toll on me.  Doesn't mean I wouldn't have stuck around, just means I know it would have been hard. 

In other news, I want a tattoo.  I've always wanted one on my wrist, but I think that now I want it on the back of my shoulder. I'm thinking of either a small anchor (like itty bitty) because through everything I've been through I've tried to be strong and maintain my values and identity.  I'm also considering a tiny little peace sign.  I don't know. I don't even know that I would go through with it since I change my mind so often haha.

Thanks for reading my ramblings :)