Disturbing News

I am having so many emotions right now. I am shocked,horrified,disgusted,sad,angry and just upset in general. I got a phone call this evening that was very disturbing and upsetting. It has taken me a couple of hours to even find the words to describe how upset I am right now.

I have talked before about the sexual assault nurse who I saw at the hospital after I was raped. I got a call today from the hospital inquiring about any health issues I had afterwards and whether or not I had gotten pregnant and had a baby due to my rape. I informed them that I had not and asked why. What they told me next sickened me.

The assault nurse has been fired and is under investigation for switching out the Plan B and giving women a totally different pill that was not emergency contraception. They aren't confident that I was given Plan B like I was told.

For those of you who don't know Plan B is an emergency birth control pill. You have to take it within 72 hours of having sex to stop any pregnancy from happening. That was the first thing I asked for at the hospital after I was raped. I did not to be pregnant, I did not want a baby. I did not want a constant reminder of what was done to me, I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle giving up a child, and I could never go through with an abortion because I just don't believe in it (that's just a personal choice, I don't judge any one who has chosen that route) I begged the doctor for that pill because that was the only thing I felt in that moment that I had control over.

Doctors and nurses are supposed to be trustworthy. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I can trust the person giving me medical help. I really should not have had to worry about a nurse who was trained to help rape victims. I don't know who I can trust.

The hospital representative said they were calling everyone who saw her during a certain time period and asking the same questions they asked me. I brought up the fact that she did not do every procedure with me that she was supposed to. He said that I was not the first person to tell him that and that they were also looking into that as well. If she had done her job, he might be behind bars right now and he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.

You know what else I found out? At least 3 other women she examined during that time had become pregnant and had babies after they were supposedly given the Plan B pill. It makes me so sad and I find myself consumed with a lot of "what ifs" tonight. What if that had been me? What if I had reported my rape sooner...would I have had a nurse that did her job correctly? What if I had fought and told her to do every portion of that rape kit even though she thought it would just traumatize me all over again. I would have gotten over it.

I've been crying on and off since that call. I feel sick to my stomach. The world is cruel and life is harsh and sometimes when these things happen I wonder how I was able to even start recovering. This turn of events has me confused and my mind spinning. I don't even know what to do with myself. I could use all of the prayers and support I can get as I try to make it through these next few days sorting it all out!

I'm closing this out with a line from one of my favorite songs right now....Hall of Fame by The Script "You could walk straight through Hell with a smile" I have found myself really relating to that line. Because I have been through hell and I've slapped a big smile on my face and have had a good attitude. For now though I'd love to curl up and cry. Sometimes you just can't be strong every day.