Felt like taking a break from doing stuff for school, and figured I'd blog instead :)
I had this awesome dream last night involving a lot of the stuff that's been happening to me. I've been thinking a lot about what life would be like if You-Know-Who attacked another girl but actually got caught this time. I know, I know....some of you are thinking "but he has gotten caught" but I'm talking like, what if he got caught and actually got arrested and had to go to court. That would be the best news of my life. I would never wish any of this on another woman EVER. The emotional pain far outlives the physical pain and it's something you don't get over. Therapy is expensive (part of the reason I quit) and sometimes it doesn't even work (shall we remember Therapist #1? a GEM that woman is....NOT). I just want to make it clear that being raped is not something I would ever wish on another human being but I DO wish that he would actually have to answer to what he's done to me and who knows how many other women like me. Jerk.
So anyway, back to my dream. This dream started in a court room and I was testifying against You-Know-Who (I refuse to put his name on here not to protect him, but to protect myself. And just so we all know I'm talking about my rapist and not Lord Voldemort. BAM.) Testifying against him has always been something I have been terrified of. I don't want to see him again, I don't want to go to court. Did you know that when rape victims testify against their attackers it's a lot like the VICTIM is the one on trial and not the person who actually committed a crime? It's ridiculous. When I was first told he wouldn't be arrested or anything I was semi relieved because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with court. So in this dream I'm sitting there telling the whole courtroom what happened, and You Know Who is sitting there staring me down the entire time. Instead of panicking, though, I felt really confident and stared right back at him. I got everything off my chest, I didn't get questioned about any of the choices I had made that night, and nobody I knew was in the courtroom with me (I always said if I had to go to court for this piece of trash I would want people there for me, but waiting outside so they wouldn't have to hear all of the details.). This all seemed like it could be real life, he even got convicted and thrown in prison for life (rapists never get much jail time unfortunately). Things only got weird when he got thrown into his cell and almost immediately was consumer by a velociraptor. BEST. DREAM. EVER.
This is the first actual decent dream I have had in a few weeks. I woke up pretty content haha.
Life has been good, too. This week started off rough, and should have ended rough since my neighbor decided to back into me with her freakin' car. But I got to spend time with two amazing friends this weekend which made it all better. The anxiety still goes up and down, and I was told by my doctor I have to stop taking the medication I was originally given for it. Apparently this medication if taken over a long period of time will eventually have you dependent on it. You're supposed to take it as needed, and since the need for it has been almost every day we decided to go without meds until he can find something that will work for me which is a big task. I'm such a busy person that it's hard to find something that they can give me that won't make me want to sleep all day, but also won't eventually make me addicted. So wish me luck on that one!
I also just wanted to say thank you for the sweet messages I've been getting from many of you, and for all of the prayers. You can keep praying for me....I always need and appreciate them :) I have made a decision to blog once a week, sometimes I might blog a little more frequently but probably not. For anyone who checks this thing regularly (I know a lot of you do) just go ahead and expect a post every weekend. And if waiting a week to hear what is going on is just absolutely killing you don't be afraid to just ask me how I'm doing or what's going on. I'm pretty open about all of this and I don't mind answering questions (as long as they aren't RUDE questions)! Still can't believe that in a little over a week it'll have been 17 months! Puts everything in perspective....I've come a long way!
Have a great week everyone! :)
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