Looney Bin

I got to spend this evening with my friend Amie, and since I had so much fun and laughed so hard with her I'm going to continue blogging, but out of sequence. I feel like writing, but not about anything too heavy.  I want to be able to write about something I can sort of laugh about at this point. But first let me say I ADORE Amie...seriously. Tonight she said "Your blog is hilarious." Some of you will see that and you're probably thinking "what the hell is wrong with her?" BUT I was actually flattered. She knows the extent of the ordeal, she knows how it's affected me, and she also knows my sarcasm and sense of humor and how I deal with things. The little random commentary I've added in a couple posts were MEANT to make you laugh. Her exact words were "I can hear your voice saying those things while I'm reading them, I can hear the attitude and see your eyes rolling and it cracks me up." Good. Amie also confessed that she's a little overprotective of me (she totally is). She's like a Mama Pitbull....mess with me and she'll eat your face off. I confided in her that I wouldn't use the actual names of my ex-friend and his roommate in any of my posts and she said that if anyone wants to know those names to contact her and she'll share that info. I love her :)

Anyway, onto the story about the hospital. So one day I'm having an amazing day. I was in such a great mood! Student teaching had started, I was making great memories with friends and I was genuinely happy. That afternoon I had an appointment with my therapist at the time. She's kind of an awkward person and I didn't really feel like she was actually helping me. She gave the same advice over and over even though it was clearly not effective. I walk....no....I BOUNCE into her office and start telling her how awesome everything is. What does she ask? "Since I saw you last (a month ago) have you had any suicidal thoughts?" My answer? "Oh yeah, here and there. I don't have a plan, don't know how I'd do it, kind of a fleeting thought once in a while that maybe things would be better if I were just gone but no big deal. I wouldn't go through with it."  Apparently it was a big deal because all of a sudden we're making a safety plan and she's telling me to contact people to ask their permission to be my in-state emergency contacts, and then we're coming up with how to tell my roommates to hide all of the knives and razors and medications. Then BOOM my session is over and I'm leaving with my head spinning feeling absolutely insane. Was what I said really that bad? Was it really so alarming?? I get in my car and made a couple of phone calls to my emergency contacts. Then while I'm driving I call my mom and start sobbing, and she can't understand a word I'm saying and she's telling me to call Marilyn because she's actually in the state and nearby-ish and my mom's freaking out. So I call Marilyn even though I had just talked to her like 10 minutes ago, and I'm pretty sure I scared the life out of her, and she tells me to go into my apartment and find my roommate because my roommates were home and actually within 100 feet of me. SO I go inside and my roommate starts freaking out and trying to convince me to go to the hospital, and long story short I relented and suddenly she's driving me to a freaking mental facility. And at the time everyone thought that would be best because the people there are trained to deal with me. I'm not mad about how everyone reacted (except my roommates. one ignored me and the other one got super dramatic)...they didn't know what else to do and they love me and I know that's why the things that transpired did.

I get to this place and they tell me I can voluntarily be admitted or they'll just do it themselves. I voluntarily did it because I figured I had a better chance of leaving sooner if I did. I cried this entire time. I was scared! I walk into the back hallway and see people shuffling around in slippers and looking like something out of the movies. I was crying so much the nurse had to put a yellow bracelet on me that said "Fall Risk". For anyone who knows me, this is HILARIOUS. I don't need to be crying to fall. I'm a 24/7 fall risk. I still have that bracelet....I might frame it ;) I talked to my mom on the phone and she told me she'd be catching a flight out in the morning and be here in time for afternoon visiting hours. In my mind I was trying to plan my escape. I went and laid down, but I couldn't sleep. Finally a nurse walked in with a flashlight and was all "Hey want an Ambien to help you sleep?" I told her I loved her....and then I fell into a deep sleep for hours.

I was still in a bad mood when I woke up, and all through breakfast. There was this male nurse there and he was my favorite person in the world! He snuck me extra ice cream during our "snack times" and called me 'KC' and 'K Dizzle'. He made me feel like a person, and not a mental case like some of the other nurses did. My mom got there at lunch time and I cried again, and then I asked her to bring me decent food so I wouldn't whither away to nothing. Because, ya know, going one day without food would make me look like a skeleton obviously. After lunch I started loosening up a little bit, and started talking to the other patients. I even laughed a little. My mom brought me Cook Out that night (bless you Mother, bless you) and I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I was for greasy, fattening, delicious food. That night while she was visiting she got to meet one of the most interesting patients and his friend. I'm surprised more people aren't admitted after meeting this guy. Our favorite quote of his? While noticing that a visitor was looking at him in disgust after hearing some of our conversations he yells "Oh I'm in the nut house and I'm hearing strange things!" And my mom called the guys friend a rude name, but it's ok because he totally set himself up for it.

The next day the Doctor said I could go, and told me that he hoped that every rapist in the world could go to jail and get raped and see how it feels. Best psychiatrist ever. I'm sure they were glad to get rid of me. There was this guy whose name was Perry and I followed him around going "Hey, Where's Perry?" Phineas and Ferb reference...woo hoo! Probably not smart tormenting other patients, but ya know. My phone call to my mom was "They said I can leave. Hurry up and get me the hell out of here." She got me, my two favorite nurses said they hoped they never saw me in there again, and I walked to the car with my mom. She started asking me questions in the car and I really just needed her to leave the parking lot because I was afraid they would change their mind and run out and drag me back inside. I demanded she take me to Moe's for lunch so that's where we went. Three quarters of the way through my burrito I found a hair mixed with my beans and rice. I was so disgusted and grossed out that they should have just thrown me back in the looney bin. No joke.  My parents call me Chief because of this experience. If you don't know who Chief is, do yourself a favor and go watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Mmmmmm Juicy Fruit!

That Saturday I started developing a cold which I blamed on the roommate I had in the psych ward. We wanted to make tshirts that said "I went to the nut house and all I came back with was this stupid cold." I also made my mom spoil me rotten until she left that next Tuesday. We still make jokes about that whole experience. It wasn't funny at first. It was like a whole new trauma. But now my attitude is, if you can't laugh about it, what CAN you do?

I know there are people reading this judging me to the extreme, and you know what? Whatever. You wouldn't understand unless you had been in my shoes. The things that sucked afterwards? The fact that one of my roommates pretty much stopped talking to me right then. And I hope one day she sees this. She'll probably be mad, but she treated me like crap so she kind of deserves to be called out on it. Anyway I love my mom and dad and sisters for laughing about it with me. I love my friends for listening when I feel I need to bring it up. I love Marilyn for staying calm while I was having the biggest freak out of my life, and I love everyone who hasn't judged me on it.

If you want a vacation, though, I don't suggest checking in at a mental facility. Just sayin.