Questions I Should Never Have Had to Answer....But I Will

You would not believe the ridiculous kinds of questions I have gotten since my assault. Or maybe you will believe it, because that's just the type of world we live in. These questions have been heavy on my mind the last few days and I've decided the best way to deal with them is to answer them honestly. Being asked these questions has definitely been, at times, awful and irritating. People have made me feel like they're questioning the validity of my story. So why am I answering them now? Because maybe my responses will make some of you realize some of the things you've said were wrong, and maybe all of you will get a little more insight into how assault victims are continuously challenged.

1. Well, what were you wearing?
My favorite question. I was not wearing booty shorts, or some midriff baring top (an overweight 20 something in too tight clothes....that's appealing. I wish I could virtually roll my eyes.)  I was wearing an old tattered School of Ed tshirt, my comfy jeans that have a little give that I used to wear all of the time (and thanks to a certain someone those jeans are forever in an evidence locker with the FBI....thanks a lot dbag.) and rainbows. No cleav, no buns, no makeup, and I'm honestly not even sure I brushed my teeth that day to be totally and completely honest. And while we're being honest, I could have been wearing daisy dukes, my boobs could have been completely hanging out.....seriously I could have been laying there completely naked....and he still had NO right to attack me. Don't ever ask a girl what she was wearing when she was raped, makes you sound ignorant. Rapists don't only go for girls who look like America's Next Top Model...they go for girls who are in a vulnerable state that they can manipulate. Was I in a vulnerable state? I'll be honest again....I was drinking, I was having a low "I feel fat" day and the fact that this guy was still flirting with me made it possible for him to lure me into a trap I couldn't get out of. And that's all I gotta say about that.

2. Why didn't you fight harder?
&%^&%$%^&#%(*)(*@(! Are you  SERIOUS? You really think I didn't FIGHT? I scratched, bit, slapped, tried to squirm away. He was stronger than me and I was in a terrified state. The whole thing was so confusing and shocking I wasn't even SURE what was happening for a hot minute. When the physical fight wasn't working I turned to words. I pleaded, I begged, I made promises. Do you think that worked? No! He didn't care. After a certain point you accept that you'll probably die, and you lay there and take it hoping that he either stops hurting you soon or kills you immediately so you don't have to deal with it. That's the harsh reality of it, and I've gotten a lot of crap about having the wrong attitude in that situation. Screw you, I can have whatever attitude I want, did you not hear the part when I said I was pretty sure he was gonna kill me anyway? In that moment I really just wanted it to end and I didn't care how. And I never want to get this question again because someone will probably need to restrain me if I do.

3. Are you sure that's what happened? He's such a nice guy!
Yes I'm sure, no he's not a nice guy. There are a lot of things I would like to call him, but for the sake of those of you who frown upon swear words, I'll keep them to myself and yell them at inanimate objects while I'm home alone instead.

Let me preface Question 4 with this....this question has made this list because after it is answered the person who asked it almost always said "So are you sure you just didn't go too far and regret it?"

4. Were you a virgin when this happened?
Of all the personal questions you could ask, why this? I'm trying to do this thing these days where I keep no secrets so I will answer it....but it's a super awkward question when people you aren't that close to ask. I think I told my mom this answer (she NEVER asked...she's a smart lady, I just felt like getting it out there) and I was uncomfortable telling my mom. So anyway....yes I was. I wasn't unhappy with that either, I was pretty content with the fact that I'd wait until I was sure I was ready. I'm not really a one night stand, 3am one time hook up with a random guy type of girl (and I'm not bashing anyone who is, I'm just saying that's not my thing). I did not choose to have sex with him, he chose to take my right to decide away. I didn't consent and I had nothing to regret. Basically this question is just one of those things that make me cringe. Glad we got that over with.

5. Do you normally have a reputation?
Have I on occasion made out with guys while I was drinking for no reason other than I was drinking and thought it was fun? Yes. And I know I'm not the only one so don't you dare judge me for that. Do I have a reputation though? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Are you asking if I sleep around? Am I promiscuous? Do I throw myself at random guys? No, I don't do any of those things. Also though, I could be working the corner, sleeping with a different dude everynight, but as soon as I say no.....GAME OVER. Think before you speak. THINK. BEFORE. YOU. SPEAK.

6. Why aren't you over it already?
I'll be gentle with this response. I got this question after spending a month literally laying on the couch staring at the ceiling, barely talking, crying constantly, and never wanting to leave my apartment. At that point I was struggling with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. I was incredibly depressed, figured no one would care whether I was social or not, and really just did not care. I wasn't 'over it' because I hadn't really gotten a chance to grieve....that's right, grieve. I had lost a lot and had originally decided living in denial was way better than facing it. I will never get over it, this is a scar that you can't see but will always be there. There will be times I'll be triggered by something (for the longest time it was toothpaste...I'll explain in a later post) and lose it for days. All I ask is that people stay patient. It's a traumatic thing you go through and it's something I can't erase. Whether I wanted it to or not it has changed my life and my views on certain things. It has literally changed me forever. I will never 'get over it'. EVER.

If you're still reading this and aren't freaked out by how personal I got, I applaud you. I hope most of you are shaking your heads in disgust towards some of the things I've been asked and I REALLY HOPE that if someone were to tell you this happened to them you wouldn't ask one of these stupid questions. I pray that the first words out of your mouth would be "Are you ok? How can I help?"