I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days and have come to quite a few realizations about myself and my life. As of right now I am done blogging solely about the terrible things I've been remembering. Those stories, fears, and anxieties in detail are being reserved for those I speak to in person. Writing them out helps immensely, but I never thought about how they could make people feel. Reading about how someone you care about has gone through more trials than you were aware has to hurt a lot more than not knowing at all....and I'm through with hurting people. I actually seriously considered deleting this blog all together. I think I've said that one other time, but I really had to think and pray on it a lot this time. My name is attached to all of this and I often wonder who is able to find it and read it. After a lot of careful prayer and consideration, I have decided to keep it for now. The blog has done more good than bad at this point, and I'm afraid that the girls I now talk to on a regular basis (and new readers) either won't be able to find the support they need if I delete it completely. I'm also afraid that those who read this won't necessarily trust an anonymous author, or won't take what I have to say to heart if I turn this thing to anonymous. What I am sharing is far too important to stop now. I'm still not sure what exactly I am supposed to do with most of this, but I can assure you that I will continue doing whatever it takes to reach out to other survivors and show them that even though the road to recovery can be crappy, it is so worth it. So from now on I am trying to put a positive spin on what I've endured. Honestly, rape is not something I would choose to endure, but that lone experience has helped shape the person I am becoming and that girl is pretty awesome.
It took a very long, emotional conversation on Saturday with someone I was having coffee with to make me realize just how strong I am. I have always been the first to talk about how weak I am, how lost I feel, and how my life is falling apart. A wonderful friend listed all of the things that make me strong. I'm not one to point these things out, but after we spoke I wrote them down so that when I get discouraged I can look at them and remind myself that I am ok.
1. Despite the fact I was raped I came back to the same city and lived there for another year.
2. Although everything was falling apart during my senior year at UNCG I still managed to graduate ON TIME with good grades.
3. Even though I was struggling with anxiety and depression I was able to start a career that I absolutely love.
4. Even though it hurts sometimes, I have made it a point to use my voice to show other survivors they are not alone.
Looking at those few things I realize that those were always things I brushed to the side. They didn't seem like a very big deal at all. I felt like I was obligated to pursue a career, to suck it up and finish school and to talk about what I was going through. After reading several other survivor's stories I can see that I am one of few who actually accomplished those feats. Not being able to do those things is no reflection on any of them at all. I actually find myself surprised that I was actually able to push through. I guess that was my way of showing him that he won't win. It was my stubborness and attitude that helped me over those bumps and I am so grateful for that.
I have also been thinking about how I take so many things for granted. I am so quick to focus on the negative. Sometimes I catch myself slipping into feeling sorry for myself. I completely ignore the blessings and positive things in my life.
1. I am healthy enough to wake up every morning and go to work.
2. I have a job at a school I love, working with people I love, and working with kids who can always brighten my day.
3. I don't have a plethora of close friends, but that's ok. The friends I keep close are absolutely incredible. We all compliment each other well and we will always be there for each other. Sometimes work, and other obligations make it difficult to spend a lot of time together, but I try my best to savor the time I do spend with them and I would drop everything to help them.
4. I have been blessed with skills and talents that for a time seemed useless, but now I can see that each one has a purpose. Each one enhances my life and enables me to do what I was meant to.
There are so many other things I could talk about, but you get the idea.
From this point forward I am going to post more about the positive things in my life. Let's be serious...sometimes it seems like sometimes I just go from one bad experience to the next. You guys never hear about the wonderful, amazing things in my life. I allow the negative to overshadow everything that makes me happy. And I'm done doing that :)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Torn Between Being Emotional, And Being a Princess.
When things are broken our first reaction is typically to try and fix it. Unfortunately some broken things are not that easy to fix, and repairs take time.
I feel like this is why I have been getting increasingly frustrated this week. I want to be put back together quickly. I wish it were something instant, and I struggle with the fact that it cannot be. I have been hurt too much purposely, and on accident. Sorting through emotions and thoughts and fears becomes truly exhausting and there are days I just want to give up.
I have to start telling people how what they've said has affected me and how it's made me feel. The issue I have is that I don't necessarily know how. In a way I want to cut all ties with those people. I don't want to bother fighting anymore. It would be easiest for all involved to severe our relationship and pretend we want nothing to do with each other. The other part of me, deep down, knows she doesn't want that at all.
The emotionally exhausted half of me wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone. She is anxious. She is sad. She is angry. This half gets upset and anxious over ridiculous things. She freaks out every time she sends a text or email or has to make a phone call. You can find Emotionally Exhausted Girl either in the corner of the couch or in a corner on the floor. She will be curled up in a ball trying to make herself as physically small as possible. She doesn't want to deal with her depression any more. She doesn't want to keep pretending that everything is perfect, when in fact, everything is far from it. This girl is someone I don't want to be, but unfortunately that's who I've been for longer than expected.
I am terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I've come to love and care about. I am afraid to tell anyone how I'm truly feeling, because I feel like they'll get sick of hearing it and leave. I so desperately need to be checked up on once in a while so I don't completely self destruct, but I don't know how to ask for that kind of help. Life does not involve around me, everyone has things they are dealing with and have lives they are living. But sometimes I just need help. I need encouragement. I need to know that somebody, anybody, is willing to listen/offer a shoulder to cry on (literally)/give a hug/just sit with me. I sound so needy it makes me sick.
Now don't get me wrong, I have seen vast improvement since the beginning of June. The mix of medicine and therapy I have been given is helping a lot. But sometimes I don't want to go to therapy. Sometimes I don't want to take my medicine. And sometimes even when I do everything I'm supposed to, I still find it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I don't know how noticeable it's been, but I have been feeling a lot happier, compared to April, May and most of June. The problem, though, is that so many people (including myself) are expecting perfection and for me to be completely "cured". Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.
The other half of me is still a sassy princess. She likes to joke around, tease her friends, and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things. That half gets frustrated at herself when she finds herself in the middle of a crying spell (which still happens way more often than I would hope), or unable to move off the couch. She fights. She makes snarky comments. Her perfect day would be putting on a pretty dress, drinking 10 million iced caramel coffees, going shopping with her friends and smiling. She just wants to be happy. She doesn't like trying to make herself disappear when her anxiety is through the roof. The problem with this half is she is so happy go lucky she is often in denial. Nothing traumatic happens to pretty princesses. Good girls like her don't get hurt, they don't get sad. Her past shouldn't haunt her, and the muck that surfaces in her brain during therapy makes her run and hide. She doesn't like realizing she's had issues since before she was hurt in the worst way she could ever imagine. And she doesn't know what to do with all of those feelings. That's when the super emotional Kayleigh takes back over.
I've really been struggling with this this week. For anyone who has seen me this week I've seemed happy. I mean, I'm excited about going to the beach next week and all of the awesome stuff coming up this month, but part of me is starting to feel empty again. It upsets me because it feels like a relapse. Not a huge like "sound the alarm, be on standby 24/7" relapse, but more of a "1 step forward, 2 steps back" type thing. There are some very serious conversations I need to have with some people, but I'm uncomfortable approaching any of those subjects and it's stressing me out. I'll figure it out, I usually do. I just wish it would happen faster. I like quick results.
I feel like this is why I have been getting increasingly frustrated this week. I want to be put back together quickly. I wish it were something instant, and I struggle with the fact that it cannot be. I have been hurt too much purposely, and on accident. Sorting through emotions and thoughts and fears becomes truly exhausting and there are days I just want to give up.
I have to start telling people how what they've said has affected me and how it's made me feel. The issue I have is that I don't necessarily know how. In a way I want to cut all ties with those people. I don't want to bother fighting anymore. It would be easiest for all involved to severe our relationship and pretend we want nothing to do with each other. The other part of me, deep down, knows she doesn't want that at all.
The emotionally exhausted half of me wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone. She is anxious. She is sad. She is angry. This half gets upset and anxious over ridiculous things. She freaks out every time she sends a text or email or has to make a phone call. You can find Emotionally Exhausted Girl either in the corner of the couch or in a corner on the floor. She will be curled up in a ball trying to make herself as physically small as possible. She doesn't want to deal with her depression any more. She doesn't want to keep pretending that everything is perfect, when in fact, everything is far from it. This girl is someone I don't want to be, but unfortunately that's who I've been for longer than expected.
I am terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I've come to love and care about. I am afraid to tell anyone how I'm truly feeling, because I feel like they'll get sick of hearing it and leave. I so desperately need to be checked up on once in a while so I don't completely self destruct, but I don't know how to ask for that kind of help. Life does not involve around me, everyone has things they are dealing with and have lives they are living. But sometimes I just need help. I need encouragement. I need to know that somebody, anybody, is willing to listen/offer a shoulder to cry on (literally)/give a hug/just sit with me. I sound so needy it makes me sick.
Now don't get me wrong, I have seen vast improvement since the beginning of June. The mix of medicine and therapy I have been given is helping a lot. But sometimes I don't want to go to therapy. Sometimes I don't want to take my medicine. And sometimes even when I do everything I'm supposed to, I still find it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I don't know how noticeable it's been, but I have been feeling a lot happier, compared to April, May and most of June. The problem, though, is that so many people (including myself) are expecting perfection and for me to be completely "cured". Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.
The other half of me is still a sassy princess. She likes to joke around, tease her friends, and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things. That half gets frustrated at herself when she finds herself in the middle of a crying spell (which still happens way more often than I would hope), or unable to move off the couch. She fights. She makes snarky comments. Her perfect day would be putting on a pretty dress, drinking 10 million iced caramel coffees, going shopping with her friends and smiling. She just wants to be happy. She doesn't like trying to make herself disappear when her anxiety is through the roof. The problem with this half is she is so happy go lucky she is often in denial. Nothing traumatic happens to pretty princesses. Good girls like her don't get hurt, they don't get sad. Her past shouldn't haunt her, and the muck that surfaces in her brain during therapy makes her run and hide. She doesn't like realizing she's had issues since before she was hurt in the worst way she could ever imagine. And she doesn't know what to do with all of those feelings. That's when the super emotional Kayleigh takes back over.
I've really been struggling with this this week. For anyone who has seen me this week I've seemed happy. I mean, I'm excited about going to the beach next week and all of the awesome stuff coming up this month, but part of me is starting to feel empty again. It upsets me because it feels like a relapse. Not a huge like "sound the alarm, be on standby 24/7" relapse, but more of a "1 step forward, 2 steps back" type thing. There are some very serious conversations I need to have with some people, but I'm uncomfortable approaching any of those subjects and it's stressing me out. I'll figure it out, I usually do. I just wish it would happen faster. I like quick results.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Are you there God? It's me, Kayleigh.
The last post I made was rough. It had been an awful week and I just wasn't ready to deal with anything that happened. This week, however, went a lot better. Things didn't get better, but they certainly didn't get any worse! A very wise person told me to try and keep busy so I didn't focus all of my time and attention on the crazy things I can't control. Guess what.....it worked. So so so grateful for awesome advice. Plus I really do have a lot to look forward to the next few weeks which makes things easier too! Beach trip soon, BSB concert....maybe a baseball game. I like having people who like the same things as I do! The only thing I'm not really looking forward to is going back to work in a few weeks....but I'm sure I'll get over it. :) Since I'm in a positive mood, I felt like it was important for me to write about something that's become really important to me. The rest of this post is going to be about building a relationship with God and the journey that brought me to that point. If you are the type of person who enjoys making negative comments about religion and spirituality then I ask you to not comment on this post, or just do not read it. My growing faith has become the most important thing I can hang on to right now, and I plan on keeping it that way forever. All I ask is that you be respectful. I'm not in a cult, and I haven't been brainwashed...although there are about 10 of you out there who have expressed those concerns :) I appreciate that you're concerned about my well being, but I can assure you that the path I have decided to take is one I wish I had taken a long time ago.
I want to start at the beginning, when I was a kid, because I feel like that helps everyone understand where I am coming from. So when I was a kid we went to church some. We were Catholic. My sister Megan and I went to religion from 1st grade to 10th grade. My youngest sister went in elementary school and then eventually stopped going. I hit all of my Catholic milestones, and those events would serve me well if I were to ever decide to get married in a Catholic church. The thing about going to those classes, though, is that I wasn't going because I wanted to. I went because that was what was expected of me. I thought Jesus was just some guy with long hair whose picture was all over the church that all seemed to portray him surrounded by small animals, or children. By the time I made my confirmation I was in 10th grade and I thought being Catholic was such a joke. I didn't go to church, and had no desire to. The same classes I had taken my entire childhood, I was now teaching to elementary school kids. I loved it, but I didn't truly believe what I was teaching.
Fast forward a few years to my freshman year at UNCG. I have always been good at making friends, but being in a completely new state where I didn't know anyone was scary. It was like I had completely forgotten how to start a conversation with somebody! Eventually I became friends with Kelsi who lived down the hall, and her roommate Olivia. Love both of those girls to pieces! We were all so different, yet somehow our friendship with each other just worked. Soon we started adding other people to our group and by October I could happily say I had a great group of friends. At this point Olivia invited me to go with her to Campus Outreach. I was excited about it and I went, but I later realized my heart wasn't in it. I still wasn't sure about God or religion in general. I honestly went because I felt like that was what was expected of me, and also I felt like Olivia would keep being my friend if I went. I should have realized that our friendship was not dependent on if I went or not. Eventually I pulled away and that was that for awhile.
Two and a half years later right after I finished my junior year is when I was raped. After that experience I determined that God simply did not exist. He was a figment of everyone's imagination. Seriously, if there really was a God then why did He let all of these terrible things happen to me? Why was I allowed to hurt as deeply as I was? Summer came and went and I was back at school struggling. Eventually I had a breakdown in my car with Whitney who asked if I would go to church with her that weekend, and said she knew someone who might be able to help. I was willing to do anything to make the horrible feelings go away. So we met, and I started to study the Bible with Whitney and a couple of other people. Once again I have to admit that my heart wasn't in it. I was doing it because people said it would be good for me. I did it because that's what was expected. And those were not good reasons. So I told Whit that I needed to stop for awhile and that was the end of that.
This past year I started praying a little bit here and there, and thinking that 'Hey! Maybe God is real!". I didn't really know what to do with that though. So in April when things started spiraling out of control I thought maybe God was exactly who I needed. I figured out that trying to do things my way just wasn't working any more. I needed to trust that the Lord would work in my life the way He intended and that I needed to let go. The day after I came to that conclusion, someone asked if I had a church and said I was welcome at their church anytime. I still was unsure and just said that that would be great. The next weekend I went to that church and I've gone every Sunday since. 2 weeks later I texted Whitney and most likely scared her...I was in such a negative place that I even scared myself. While we sat there, I cried and she suddenly said "You might not want to hear this, but you need God." I looked at her and said "I know." The look of shock on her face was priceless. We talked about it and I told her that I had been feeling that way for a while and that I just didn't know what to do. She started helping me, I kept going to church and began to learn more than I ever have.
Instead of zoning out while people were talking to me, or reading scripture, I was soaking up everything I could about Jesus and his life and what had been done for me and my sins. I opened up a lot more about things. When I didn't know how to pray I didn't pretend that I was doing great, I asked for help. When I didn't know how to listen for the Lord, I asked for help. I started praying a lot more.
I'm still going to church, and I have met some incredible people because of that. I've become closer to certain people in my life too. I know now that the Lord has placed all of them in my life for different reasons. Some of those reasons I recognize right away and others I don't see. The one thing I do know, though, is that all of them have been a complete blessing to me. I can count on these people to listen when I need them the most, or to give really amazing advice. I know that they aren't always available to me, and that they have lives too. But I can tell they really do care about me and want to help in whatever capacity they can. I am changing. I feel as though my heart has begun to soften, that I bring things to Him instead of trying to solve it on my own, and that although things are still tough I am starting to heal slowly but surely. I know God is real. I know He loves me. And I know He is going to do some amazing things with my life.
If any of you who are reading this have helped me on this journey or continue to help me....please know that I love you a lot and that I pray for each of you everyday. I'm really glad the Lord has placed you in my life.
I want to start at the beginning, when I was a kid, because I feel like that helps everyone understand where I am coming from. So when I was a kid we went to church some. We were Catholic. My sister Megan and I went to religion from 1st grade to 10th grade. My youngest sister went in elementary school and then eventually stopped going. I hit all of my Catholic milestones, and those events would serve me well if I were to ever decide to get married in a Catholic church. The thing about going to those classes, though, is that I wasn't going because I wanted to. I went because that was what was expected of me. I thought Jesus was just some guy with long hair whose picture was all over the church that all seemed to portray him surrounded by small animals, or children. By the time I made my confirmation I was in 10th grade and I thought being Catholic was such a joke. I didn't go to church, and had no desire to. The same classes I had taken my entire childhood, I was now teaching to elementary school kids. I loved it, but I didn't truly believe what I was teaching.
Fast forward a few years to my freshman year at UNCG. I have always been good at making friends, but being in a completely new state where I didn't know anyone was scary. It was like I had completely forgotten how to start a conversation with somebody! Eventually I became friends with Kelsi who lived down the hall, and her roommate Olivia. Love both of those girls to pieces! We were all so different, yet somehow our friendship with each other just worked. Soon we started adding other people to our group and by October I could happily say I had a great group of friends. At this point Olivia invited me to go with her to Campus Outreach. I was excited about it and I went, but I later realized my heart wasn't in it. I still wasn't sure about God or religion in general. I honestly went because I felt like that was what was expected of me, and also I felt like Olivia would keep being my friend if I went. I should have realized that our friendship was not dependent on if I went or not. Eventually I pulled away and that was that for awhile.
Two and a half years later right after I finished my junior year is when I was raped. After that experience I determined that God simply did not exist. He was a figment of everyone's imagination. Seriously, if there really was a God then why did He let all of these terrible things happen to me? Why was I allowed to hurt as deeply as I was? Summer came and went and I was back at school struggling. Eventually I had a breakdown in my car with Whitney who asked if I would go to church with her that weekend, and said she knew someone who might be able to help. I was willing to do anything to make the horrible feelings go away. So we met, and I started to study the Bible with Whitney and a couple of other people. Once again I have to admit that my heart wasn't in it. I was doing it because people said it would be good for me. I did it because that's what was expected. And those were not good reasons. So I told Whit that I needed to stop for awhile and that was the end of that.
This past year I started praying a little bit here and there, and thinking that 'Hey! Maybe God is real!". I didn't really know what to do with that though. So in April when things started spiraling out of control I thought maybe God was exactly who I needed. I figured out that trying to do things my way just wasn't working any more. I needed to trust that the Lord would work in my life the way He intended and that I needed to let go. The day after I came to that conclusion, someone asked if I had a church and said I was welcome at their church anytime. I still was unsure and just said that that would be great. The next weekend I went to that church and I've gone every Sunday since. 2 weeks later I texted Whitney and most likely scared her...I was in such a negative place that I even scared myself. While we sat there, I cried and she suddenly said "You might not want to hear this, but you need God." I looked at her and said "I know." The look of shock on her face was priceless. We talked about it and I told her that I had been feeling that way for a while and that I just didn't know what to do. She started helping me, I kept going to church and began to learn more than I ever have.
Instead of zoning out while people were talking to me, or reading scripture, I was soaking up everything I could about Jesus and his life and what had been done for me and my sins. I opened up a lot more about things. When I didn't know how to pray I didn't pretend that I was doing great, I asked for help. When I didn't know how to listen for the Lord, I asked for help. I started praying a lot more.
I'm still going to church, and I have met some incredible people because of that. I've become closer to certain people in my life too. I know now that the Lord has placed all of them in my life for different reasons. Some of those reasons I recognize right away and others I don't see. The one thing I do know, though, is that all of them have been a complete blessing to me. I can count on these people to listen when I need them the most, or to give really amazing advice. I know that they aren't always available to me, and that they have lives too. But I can tell they really do care about me and want to help in whatever capacity they can. I am changing. I feel as though my heart has begun to soften, that I bring things to Him instead of trying to solve it on my own, and that although things are still tough I am starting to heal slowly but surely. I know God is real. I know He loves me. And I know He is going to do some amazing things with my life.
If any of you who are reading this have helped me on this journey or continue to help me....please know that I love you a lot and that I pray for each of you everyday. I'm really glad the Lord has placed you in my life.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Get. Away. From. Me.
This has been one rough week if I am being completely honest. So much stress, so much doubt, and it seems like it's just one thing after the other. The cherry on top of this ridiculous sundae came last night while I was at Target. I wasn't at my local Targhetto, I was at a different one. I rounded a corner and saw my rapist. I turned around and walked away but it was too late. He had already seen me.
I kept walking, but he followed me and started talking. He said I ruined his life, that his parents won't speak to him and that he should have gotten rid of me while he had the chance. He asked if I was listening and reached for my arm which is when I jumped out of the way and gave in to the anger that had been steadily boiling inside of me. I said " DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. I ruined your life? What do you think you did to me!? I heard you and I have nothing to say to you anymore. Leave me alone." Which is when the police were called by some employees. I was informed that since I didn't have a restraining order there was nothing that could be done. I called today and asked for one and they said since he posed no physical threat I couldn't get one.
Once again the system has failed me, and once again I'm left trying to pick up the pieces. It shook me to the core, that interaction. I couldn't sleep last night, I'm losing my appetite again and my brain has somehow convinced itself that he is going to figure out where I am and murder me.
I really just want him to leave me alone. Also I would like to sleep. But most importantly I want to be left alone.
I kept walking, but he followed me and started talking. He said I ruined his life, that his parents won't speak to him and that he should have gotten rid of me while he had the chance. He asked if I was listening and reached for my arm which is when I jumped out of the way and gave in to the anger that had been steadily boiling inside of me. I said " DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME. I ruined your life? What do you think you did to me!? I heard you and I have nothing to say to you anymore. Leave me alone." Which is when the police were called by some employees. I was informed that since I didn't have a restraining order there was nothing that could be done. I called today and asked for one and they said since he posed no physical threat I couldn't get one.
Once again the system has failed me, and once again I'm left trying to pick up the pieces. It shook me to the core, that interaction. I couldn't sleep last night, I'm losing my appetite again and my brain has somehow convinced itself that he is going to figure out where I am and murder me.
I really just want him to leave me alone. Also I would like to sleep. But most importantly I want to be left alone.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Who Am I?
One time someone asked me if I thought my rape would define me throughout the rest of my life. At the time I said yes. The memories of it and the after effects were so consuming I was convinced that that was all people would ever know about me. When I walked down the street, I felt like people would know what had happened to me even if I had never talked to them before. As if I had a giant flashing neon sign around my neck that said "rape victim". At the pool today I was talking to this woman who asked me to tell her about myself. We have spoken before when she brings her kids to the pool, but we don't really know each other. I realized then that I really am not defined by my trauma. I am a person with so many different aspects of her life. So I decided that my task for this blog was going to be to reintroduce myself to you. For you all to see the kind of person I am aside from my assault is really important to me right now. Some of you will know a lot of this stuff already, some of it are things I've never really told anyone. I hope that some of the things on this list make you smile or laugh...thinking about them made me really happy and resulted in some giggling.
1. From the time I was a kid I loved listening to the music my parents listened to...I still do. There was a point when I was 7 when I listened to Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits on repeat for like a month straight. I love the music on the radio now, but I still love older music.
2. Speaking of music I am obsessed with the Backstreet Boys. When I found out they were coming to NC in August I was beyond excited. I squealed and my voice went up about a bazillion octaves, and I bounced around like I had consumed 47 cups of coffee with extra sugar.
3. When I was a kid I used to walk around our backyard pretending I was having some grand adventure. In my head I would narrate my story like I thought an author might if I were in a book. I loved reading and I loved thinking about life like it were a book.
4. I am still an obsessive reader. My favorite thing is to sit on my balcony at night and read. I've gone through 3 books already since last Thursday. I'm a fast reader :)
5. When I'm stressed out I color. I have this giant sheep coloring book I've been favoring lately and a 48 box of crayolas.
6. When I was 7 I tried to sell my youngest sister to the kids in my neighborhood. I was mad because she was a baby and I had wanted to go swimming but my mom said no because the stinkin' baby was taking a nap upstairs and I wasn't allowed to go up there to get my bathing suit. My friend down the street almost bought her for $1.25 and a box of Fruit Rollups. I was thinking about all of the Lisa Frank stickers I could buy when she said she had to ask her mom. That was the end of that...
7. I love kids. Most of you know that. When my family would go to parties I would always end up surrounded by children I didn't even know. I am genuinely interested in what kids tell me and I love that they feel like they can share what's on their mind. Plus sometimes their words make for hilarious stories later on :)
8. If I ever get married and have kids, I want 5 kids. There was a point last fall I told people I didn't think I wanted kids and I'm not sure why. I've always wanted kids of my own, and I've always wanted a lot of them.
9. I have gone on plenty of dates, but I have never had a boyfriend. I used to get picked on for that a lot, because it seemed like I was behind most people my age. I was 19 when I had my first kiss and I have only ever told that to 3 people who thought I was crazy. It definitely took its toll too, I thought I wasn't pretty enough or was too fat or wasn't good enough. Now I'm realizing I'm not necessarily behind, I just have standards. I won't let myself get close to just anybody, and when I do let myself that person is going to have to really be something.
10. I am a Disney freak. I love everything Disney, I have cds, DVDs, and I get excited when they add more Disney movies on Netflix. My dream vacation is Disney World. I can guarantee when I finally go to the happiest place on earth I will cry as soon as I see a princess.
11. I am a Disney Princess. I'm sure of it. Ariel is my favorite princess and I think I'm a lot like her even though I think fish are gross and I'm terrified of birds. Since her best friends are both animals I decide to forget about that part. She's a little strange and adventurous just like me!
12. Orange is my favorite color in the whole wide world, pink is a close second.
13. I cry every time I watch Toy Story 3.
14. I am a nerd about Harry Potter and Doctor Who.
15. I went through an awkward phase from 5th grade to part way through my junior year of high school.
16. Daisies are my favorite flower, but I can't seem to keep plants alive so I never have any.
17. One time I drove past a field of sunflowers and it was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
18. Every year Ringling Brothers comes to NC and they walk the animals from the train across the street to the Coliseum and people line the street to watch. I went last year with friends and talked about how I wanted to see an elephant. 2 hours later the ground shook and I looked up and saw the elephants coming up the street. I started crying hysterically. When asked why I was crying I yelled "I'm just so happy!" I was so excited I was shaking and people gave me weird looks.
19. In 3rd grade I walked up to this girl Sarah who I had gone to preschool with and said "Hi I'm Kayleigh and we went to preschool together and you're my best friend now." She said "OK." and we've been best friends ever since....and our friendship has worked in pretty much the same way it started haha :)
20. In high school I almost failed Chemistry because I would sit at the back of the room with my friend Jessica turning a gatorade bottle and orange into a mini person we named Randy, and creating "makeup diagrams" with any make up we could find in our purses. How we passed I will never know.
21. English has always been my favorite school subject because I had to write papers. I love writing.
22. When I get frustrated I yell "I'm too pretty for this!" or "meeeeeeehhhhhh". I don't actually think I'm too pretty for anything except jail. I would never survive jail. Good thing I'll never have to.
23. I really like cemeteries. I like walking through them and reading the headstones. I don't find them creepy unless it's at night. At night you better believe I wouldn't be caught dead within 400 ft of one.
24. I have always been that person people come to to confide in, so when I needed people to talk to it was weird for me. Any of my friends who were gay? I was usually the first person they would come out to. Know why? Because I love people, and I accept them for who they are. I refuse to alienate someone and stop loving them just because of who they love. Same goes for friends who haven't always made the best choices in their lives. I still love them even if I don't love what they're doing. We are all human, and none of us are perfect. I wish everyone would treat each other with the same love, tolerance, acceptance, and patience.
25. I really like giving hugs. I like receiving them too, but I really like giving them. And I'm not about that wimpy nonsense. You come at me with a hug, you better prepare yourself for a good strong one.
I'm sure there are plenty of more things I could tell you. Maybe I'll make another post like this sometime. I really like that I even did this one....these are some memories I love and some things about myself I love.
1. From the time I was a kid I loved listening to the music my parents listened to...I still do. There was a point when I was 7 when I listened to Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits on repeat for like a month straight. I love the music on the radio now, but I still love older music.
2. Speaking of music I am obsessed with the Backstreet Boys. When I found out they were coming to NC in August I was beyond excited. I squealed and my voice went up about a bazillion octaves, and I bounced around like I had consumed 47 cups of coffee with extra sugar.
3. When I was a kid I used to walk around our backyard pretending I was having some grand adventure. In my head I would narrate my story like I thought an author might if I were in a book. I loved reading and I loved thinking about life like it were a book.
4. I am still an obsessive reader. My favorite thing is to sit on my balcony at night and read. I've gone through 3 books already since last Thursday. I'm a fast reader :)
5. When I'm stressed out I color. I have this giant sheep coloring book I've been favoring lately and a 48 box of crayolas.
6. When I was 7 I tried to sell my youngest sister to the kids in my neighborhood. I was mad because she was a baby and I had wanted to go swimming but my mom said no because the stinkin' baby was taking a nap upstairs and I wasn't allowed to go up there to get my bathing suit. My friend down the street almost bought her for $1.25 and a box of Fruit Rollups. I was thinking about all of the Lisa Frank stickers I could buy when she said she had to ask her mom. That was the end of that...
7. I love kids. Most of you know that. When my family would go to parties I would always end up surrounded by children I didn't even know. I am genuinely interested in what kids tell me and I love that they feel like they can share what's on their mind. Plus sometimes their words make for hilarious stories later on :)
8. If I ever get married and have kids, I want 5 kids. There was a point last fall I told people I didn't think I wanted kids and I'm not sure why. I've always wanted kids of my own, and I've always wanted a lot of them.
9. I have gone on plenty of dates, but I have never had a boyfriend. I used to get picked on for that a lot, because it seemed like I was behind most people my age. I was 19 when I had my first kiss and I have only ever told that to 3 people who thought I was crazy. It definitely took its toll too, I thought I wasn't pretty enough or was too fat or wasn't good enough. Now I'm realizing I'm not necessarily behind, I just have standards. I won't let myself get close to just anybody, and when I do let myself that person is going to have to really be something.
10. I am a Disney freak. I love everything Disney, I have cds, DVDs, and I get excited when they add more Disney movies on Netflix. My dream vacation is Disney World. I can guarantee when I finally go to the happiest place on earth I will cry as soon as I see a princess.
11. I am a Disney Princess. I'm sure of it. Ariel is my favorite princess and I think I'm a lot like her even though I think fish are gross and I'm terrified of birds. Since her best friends are both animals I decide to forget about that part. She's a little strange and adventurous just like me!
12. Orange is my favorite color in the whole wide world, pink is a close second.
13. I cry every time I watch Toy Story 3.
14. I am a nerd about Harry Potter and Doctor Who.
15. I went through an awkward phase from 5th grade to part way through my junior year of high school.
16. Daisies are my favorite flower, but I can't seem to keep plants alive so I never have any.
17. One time I drove past a field of sunflowers and it was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
18. Every year Ringling Brothers comes to NC and they walk the animals from the train across the street to the Coliseum and people line the street to watch. I went last year with friends and talked about how I wanted to see an elephant. 2 hours later the ground shook and I looked up and saw the elephants coming up the street. I started crying hysterically. When asked why I was crying I yelled "I'm just so happy!" I was so excited I was shaking and people gave me weird looks.
19. In 3rd grade I walked up to this girl Sarah who I had gone to preschool with and said "Hi I'm Kayleigh and we went to preschool together and you're my best friend now." She said "OK." and we've been best friends ever since....and our friendship has worked in pretty much the same way it started haha :)
20. In high school I almost failed Chemistry because I would sit at the back of the room with my friend Jessica turning a gatorade bottle and orange into a mini person we named Randy, and creating "makeup diagrams" with any make up we could find in our purses. How we passed I will never know.
21. English has always been my favorite school subject because I had to write papers. I love writing.
22. When I get frustrated I yell "I'm too pretty for this!" or "meeeeeeehhhhhh". I don't actually think I'm too pretty for anything except jail. I would never survive jail. Good thing I'll never have to.
23. I really like cemeteries. I like walking through them and reading the headstones. I don't find them creepy unless it's at night. At night you better believe I wouldn't be caught dead within 400 ft of one.
24. I have always been that person people come to to confide in, so when I needed people to talk to it was weird for me. Any of my friends who were gay? I was usually the first person they would come out to. Know why? Because I love people, and I accept them for who they are. I refuse to alienate someone and stop loving them just because of who they love. Same goes for friends who haven't always made the best choices in their lives. I still love them even if I don't love what they're doing. We are all human, and none of us are perfect. I wish everyone would treat each other with the same love, tolerance, acceptance, and patience.
25. I really like giving hugs. I like receiving them too, but I really like giving them. And I'm not about that wimpy nonsense. You come at me with a hug, you better prepare yourself for a good strong one.
I'm sure there are plenty of more things I could tell you. Maybe I'll make another post like this sometime. I really like that I even did this one....these are some memories I love and some things about myself I love.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Moods
When I was younger I had this board game called Moods. I would play it at sleepovers with my friends all of the time, and playing would result in fits of giggles as we quickly had to change our mood and read what was on the card. The game had different cards and you would have to draw a mood and then a quote, and then you would have to say the quote like you were in the mood you drew from the deck. It was ridiculous, yet hysterical at the same time. The pairs of cards that were fan favorites were "suspicious" with "I'm pregnant." and "sexy" with "I need a new lawn mower." Give us a break, we were 12.
The whole reason I am even bringing this game up is that I have realized recently that my life is turning into a game of Moods, but not as fun or funny. I can be happy one minute, and then as quickly as drawing a new card in the game I would be in a foul mood. That is no way to live and I think it makes it difficult for people to try and gauge where I'm at. I can put all of my trust in someone one minute and the next I'm suspicious and skeptical. Simple words and actions can trigger the biggest reactions from me. A small 'joke' can suddenly make me want to cry. There are some days where half of the day I feel so empty, and then the rest of the day I am fine. I've even been experiencing that some this week. There is so much going on that I was getting stressed. My heart ached, my mind spun, and my body felt hollow. And then there were moments sprinkled throughout the week where I was with people who made me so happy that I thought my heart would surely burst from the amount of pure joy I felt within it.
Why can't I just have one consistent mood each day? It would be so much easier if people didn't have to try to anticipate what would happen as soon as they said or did something. As much as I yearn to control those moods and emotions, I know I can't. This isn't a game where you can just trade an emotion in for a better one. Trust me there are days I wish it was. Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with some pretty amazing people who tough it out right along with me. I'm sure it gets aggravating for them (because it gets aggravating for me as well!) yet they continue to support me and do everything they can to make sure I'm ok. My outbursts don't drive them away, and my good days are something they celebrate with me. I definitely had people in my life in the past who were not as understanding. They walked out because they couldn't handle my emotional roller coaster. I had too much baggage, I was taking too long to recover, I wasn't fun anymore. I would never ask anyone to walk through this with me. But God has placed people into my life who didn't have to be asked, they flat out volunteered. I thank Him for y'all every single day. The group of you that have rallied around me mean more to me than any of you could ever imagine. I will always be so grateful for each and every one of you, that will never change. Some of you may fade in and out of my life (I sure hope not, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that it can happen), but I will never stop appreciating all you have done to help me through this part of my life.
Many of you have seen the issue of People I was in, and your encouraging words have meant so much to me. Some of you reading this right now are people I have never met, who have either found me on Facebook after reading the article or searched for me on Google and found the blog. I actually checked before to see if googling my name would bring up the blog and it never did, today I tried it with a key word or two and it popped right up. Woops! I didn't realize it had been so easy to find. I guess now that I've shared my story in a magazine it doesn't matter anymore. I have gotten so many messages on Facebook from strangers wishing me well, offering up prayers, telling me how courageous I am and how the world needs more role models like me for young girls. Y'all I do NOT feel like a role model. I don't know where that came from, but I honestly still feel like a hot mess. Yes, I survived. I continue to survive. But some days surviving is literally all I'm doing. I feel like if I am going to be a role model I should be thriving. I'm just a girl with a little blog that she made mainly to vent her frustrations, but also hoping that at least one person would see it and think "hey I'm not alone."
This whole experience has been so surreal. I was so worried about it, but figured no one pays attention to those side bars anyway. Today I found a post someone had written on Tumblr that included a photo of me they found on Google and a synopsis of what was in the article. The point they were making by using my photo and story is that there was still hope for victims as long as we give them the right support. I was floored. Who would take the time to find a picture of me and write about me and speak of their support for me? People are starting to recognize me at the Walmart and around town. It is so weird. I have had people approach me and tell me their own stories, strangers and friends alike. I am overcome by all of your vulnerability with a complete stranger. If reading a few sentences about my story gives you the courage to open up about your own trials, then doing the article was more than worth it.
I don't know. I am literally just a nobody. I had something bad happen to me, and I wanted to speak out about it so that the people involved would realize I am NEVER going to shut up about it. They hurt me, and people are going to hear about it. I am getting stronger every day. I am maturing. I am learning life lessons some don't learn until they're at least twice my age. For all of you that have said I have helped you.....you have actually helped me. I hope that once I'm done struggling through my own messes, I can help more of you and dedicate more time speaking with you. I will continue to listen with an open heart and mind, and if you are one of the wonderful women sending me messages asking for advice I am answering you as quickly as I can. You are all incredibly, amazing, beautiful souls and I can't believe I have the honor to speak to you and join you on your own journeys.
To say this magazine sidebar flipped my life upside down is an understatement. For the first time in 2 years, though, my life has been flipped in a good way. I never understood the power of words until now. I never realized how loving people can really be. It is truly incredible. I hope I can continue to have the opportunity to keep discovering all of those things.
:)
The whole reason I am even bringing this game up is that I have realized recently that my life is turning into a game of Moods, but not as fun or funny. I can be happy one minute, and then as quickly as drawing a new card in the game I would be in a foul mood. That is no way to live and I think it makes it difficult for people to try and gauge where I'm at. I can put all of my trust in someone one minute and the next I'm suspicious and skeptical. Simple words and actions can trigger the biggest reactions from me. A small 'joke' can suddenly make me want to cry. There are some days where half of the day I feel so empty, and then the rest of the day I am fine. I've even been experiencing that some this week. There is so much going on that I was getting stressed. My heart ached, my mind spun, and my body felt hollow. And then there were moments sprinkled throughout the week where I was with people who made me so happy that I thought my heart would surely burst from the amount of pure joy I felt within it.
Why can't I just have one consistent mood each day? It would be so much easier if people didn't have to try to anticipate what would happen as soon as they said or did something. As much as I yearn to control those moods and emotions, I know I can't. This isn't a game where you can just trade an emotion in for a better one. Trust me there are days I wish it was. Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with some pretty amazing people who tough it out right along with me. I'm sure it gets aggravating for them (because it gets aggravating for me as well!) yet they continue to support me and do everything they can to make sure I'm ok. My outbursts don't drive them away, and my good days are something they celebrate with me. I definitely had people in my life in the past who were not as understanding. They walked out because they couldn't handle my emotional roller coaster. I had too much baggage, I was taking too long to recover, I wasn't fun anymore. I would never ask anyone to walk through this with me. But God has placed people into my life who didn't have to be asked, they flat out volunteered. I thank Him for y'all every single day. The group of you that have rallied around me mean more to me than any of you could ever imagine. I will always be so grateful for each and every one of you, that will never change. Some of you may fade in and out of my life (I sure hope not, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that it can happen), but I will never stop appreciating all you have done to help me through this part of my life.
Many of you have seen the issue of People I was in, and your encouraging words have meant so much to me. Some of you reading this right now are people I have never met, who have either found me on Facebook after reading the article or searched for me on Google and found the blog. I actually checked before to see if googling my name would bring up the blog and it never did, today I tried it with a key word or two and it popped right up. Woops! I didn't realize it had been so easy to find. I guess now that I've shared my story in a magazine it doesn't matter anymore. I have gotten so many messages on Facebook from strangers wishing me well, offering up prayers, telling me how courageous I am and how the world needs more role models like me for young girls. Y'all I do NOT feel like a role model. I don't know where that came from, but I honestly still feel like a hot mess. Yes, I survived. I continue to survive. But some days surviving is literally all I'm doing. I feel like if I am going to be a role model I should be thriving. I'm just a girl with a little blog that she made mainly to vent her frustrations, but also hoping that at least one person would see it and think "hey I'm not alone."
This whole experience has been so surreal. I was so worried about it, but figured no one pays attention to those side bars anyway. Today I found a post someone had written on Tumblr that included a photo of me they found on Google and a synopsis of what was in the article. The point they were making by using my photo and story is that there was still hope for victims as long as we give them the right support. I was floored. Who would take the time to find a picture of me and write about me and speak of their support for me? People are starting to recognize me at the Walmart and around town. It is so weird. I have had people approach me and tell me their own stories, strangers and friends alike. I am overcome by all of your vulnerability with a complete stranger. If reading a few sentences about my story gives you the courage to open up about your own trials, then doing the article was more than worth it.
I don't know. I am literally just a nobody. I had something bad happen to me, and I wanted to speak out about it so that the people involved would realize I am NEVER going to shut up about it. They hurt me, and people are going to hear about it. I am getting stronger every day. I am maturing. I am learning life lessons some don't learn until they're at least twice my age. For all of you that have said I have helped you.....you have actually helped me. I hope that once I'm done struggling through my own messes, I can help more of you and dedicate more time speaking with you. I will continue to listen with an open heart and mind, and if you are one of the wonderful women sending me messages asking for advice I am answering you as quickly as I can. You are all incredibly, amazing, beautiful souls and I can't believe I have the honor to speak to you and join you on your own journeys.
To say this magazine sidebar flipped my life upside down is an understatement. For the first time in 2 years, though, my life has been flipped in a good way. I never understood the power of words until now. I never realized how loving people can really be. It is truly incredible. I hope I can continue to have the opportunity to keep discovering all of those things.
:)
Thursday, July 4, 2013
My Mike Wazowski Moment
Good evening my fellow Americans (and my non American friends!) :) I decided to take a few moments to blog while everyone else in my house closes out July 4th watching The Walking Dead. Me? I'm not in to the blood and gore. My week home has been an interesting one indeed....getting my wisdom teeth out yesterday (I ate pancakes and eggs and potatoes and mac&cheese and zucchini today! And I haven't taken any pain killers...just ibuprofen LIKE A BOSS) and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes while watching fireworks tonight. I look like a gopher people!
Anyway I got exciting news over this past weekend and a dream of mine came true! You know how in Monsters Inc. Mike Wazowski and Sully are on the cover of a magazine but Mike's face is covered by a barcode and he says "I can't believe it....I'm on the cover of a magazine!" I got to have a similar moment! I mentioned a post or two ago that I had done an interview with a reporter from People Magazine back in April, but with tons of things going on in the news the interview kept getting pushed out. They were doing a story on Rehtaeh Parsons and wanted to put a sidebar in from a survivor who had dealt with some of the same things. I was contacted by RAINN and asked if I would be interested. The longer the story went unpublished, the more I believed it would never get printed. I had come to terms with that and was just grateful to have an opportunity like that. I figured that maybe that was just a way to prepare me for something bigger in the future.
I get an email at the end of last week telling me that the story was set to go into the next issue. I didn't hold my breath. I had gotten my hopes up before and it hadn't happened. As the deadline got closer, though, I started feeling uneasy and started to stress out over my story being shown to the world. TONS of people read People and I was afraid of who might see it. I worried that people around me would start to look at me differently, that it could affect my job and everyday life. I started to secretly pray that it would get pushed out again so I wouldn't have to deal with any possible repercussions. Suddenly I got the email Monday afternoon that we had made the cutoff and the article would run.
I felt such a mix of emotions that I didn't really know what to do. In one sense I was absolutely elated! What a way to get my story out and to help others. On the other hand, I still had all of the anxieties of what people would think when they saw it. I mean everything was in there, my name, my age, my picture. Nobody would have to guess who I was. After thinking about it and talking it over with my parents I got excited again. This is quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever done in my life! Even if I never get to speak out again I can say I once spoke to a magazine in hopes that I could reach more people and tell them it does, in fact, get better.
The magazine came out today and mom bought me a copy. It's so cool! I have a small sidebar in the story of Rehtaeh, just enough to give a condensed version of my story. Seeing that is when I had that Mike Wazowski moment! If you are interested in seeing it it is the one with Matthew Perry on the cover. The article I was fortunate to be a part of starts on page 68. If you don't know about Rehtaeh Parsons I suggest you read this article . It explains what happened to her. I felt very strongly about her story. I had received similar treatment after my assault. Not to that extreme, but it definitely affected me. I hope no one ever has to go through that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Anyway I just wanted to share that news! That issue will only be out for a week, so snag it while you can. I can't believe I'm in a major MAGAZINE!!!!!!
Anyway I got exciting news over this past weekend and a dream of mine came true! You know how in Monsters Inc. Mike Wazowski and Sully are on the cover of a magazine but Mike's face is covered by a barcode and he says "I can't believe it....I'm on the cover of a magazine!" I got to have a similar moment! I mentioned a post or two ago that I had done an interview with a reporter from People Magazine back in April, but with tons of things going on in the news the interview kept getting pushed out. They were doing a story on Rehtaeh Parsons and wanted to put a sidebar in from a survivor who had dealt with some of the same things. I was contacted by RAINN and asked if I would be interested. The longer the story went unpublished, the more I believed it would never get printed. I had come to terms with that and was just grateful to have an opportunity like that. I figured that maybe that was just a way to prepare me for something bigger in the future.
I get an email at the end of last week telling me that the story was set to go into the next issue. I didn't hold my breath. I had gotten my hopes up before and it hadn't happened. As the deadline got closer, though, I started feeling uneasy and started to stress out over my story being shown to the world. TONS of people read People and I was afraid of who might see it. I worried that people around me would start to look at me differently, that it could affect my job and everyday life. I started to secretly pray that it would get pushed out again so I wouldn't have to deal with any possible repercussions. Suddenly I got the email Monday afternoon that we had made the cutoff and the article would run.
I felt such a mix of emotions that I didn't really know what to do. In one sense I was absolutely elated! What a way to get my story out and to help others. On the other hand, I still had all of the anxieties of what people would think when they saw it. I mean everything was in there, my name, my age, my picture. Nobody would have to guess who I was. After thinking about it and talking it over with my parents I got excited again. This is quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever done in my life! Even if I never get to speak out again I can say I once spoke to a magazine in hopes that I could reach more people and tell them it does, in fact, get better.
The magazine came out today and mom bought me a copy. It's so cool! I have a small sidebar in the story of Rehtaeh, just enough to give a condensed version of my story. Seeing that is when I had that Mike Wazowski moment! If you are interested in seeing it it is the one with Matthew Perry on the cover. The article I was fortunate to be a part of starts on page 68. If you don't know about Rehtaeh Parsons I suggest you read this article . It explains what happened to her. I felt very strongly about her story. I had received similar treatment after my assault. Not to that extreme, but it definitely affected me. I hope no one ever has to go through that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Anyway I just wanted to share that news! That issue will only be out for a week, so snag it while you can. I can't believe I'm in a major MAGAZINE!!!!!!
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