The last post I made was rough. It had been an awful week and I just wasn't ready to deal with anything that happened. This week, however, went a lot better. Things didn't get better, but they certainly didn't get any worse! A very wise person told me to try and keep busy so I didn't focus all of my time and attention on the crazy things I can't control. Guess what.....it worked. So so so grateful for awesome advice. Plus I really do have a lot to look forward to the next few weeks which makes things easier too! Beach trip soon, BSB concert....maybe a baseball game. I like having people who like the same things as I do! The only thing I'm not really looking forward to is going back to work in a few weeks....but I'm sure I'll get over it. :) Since I'm in a positive mood, I felt like it was important for me to write about something that's become really important to me. The rest of this post is going to be about building a relationship with God and the journey that brought me to that point. If you are the type of person who enjoys making negative comments about religion and spirituality then I ask you to not comment on this post, or just do not read it. My growing faith has become the most important thing I can hang on to right now, and I plan on keeping it that way forever. All I ask is that you be respectful. I'm not in a cult, and I haven't been brainwashed...although there are about 10 of you out there who have expressed those concerns :) I appreciate that you're concerned about my well being, but I can assure you that the path I have decided to take is one I wish I had taken a long time ago.
I want to start at the beginning, when I was a kid, because I feel like that helps everyone understand where I am coming from. So when I was a kid we went to church some. We were Catholic. My sister Megan and I went to religion from 1st grade to 10th grade. My youngest sister went in elementary school and then eventually stopped going. I hit all of my Catholic milestones, and those events would serve me well if I were to ever decide to get married in a Catholic church. The thing about going to those classes, though, is that I wasn't going because I wanted to. I went because that was what was expected of me. I thought Jesus was just some guy with long hair whose picture was all over the church that all seemed to portray him surrounded by small animals, or children. By the time I made my confirmation I was in 10th grade and I thought being Catholic was such a joke. I didn't go to church, and had no desire to. The same classes I had taken my entire childhood, I was now teaching to elementary school kids. I loved it, but I didn't truly believe what I was teaching.
Fast forward a few years to my freshman year at UNCG. I have always been good at making friends, but being in a completely new state where I didn't know anyone was scary. It was like I had completely forgotten how to start a conversation with somebody! Eventually I became friends with Kelsi who lived down the hall, and her roommate Olivia. Love both of those girls to pieces! We were all so different, yet somehow our friendship with each other just worked. Soon we started adding other people to our group and by October I could happily say I had a great group of friends. At this point Olivia invited me to go with her to Campus Outreach. I was excited about it and I went, but I later realized my heart wasn't in it. I still wasn't sure about God or religion in general. I honestly went because I felt like that was what was expected of me, and also I felt like Olivia would keep being my friend if I went. I should have realized that our friendship was not dependent on if I went or not. Eventually I pulled away and that was that for awhile.
Two and a half years later right after I finished my junior year is when I was raped. After that experience I determined that God simply did not exist. He was a figment of everyone's imagination. Seriously, if there really was a God then why did He let all of these terrible things happen to me? Why was I allowed to hurt as deeply as I was? Summer came and went and I was back at school struggling. Eventually I had a breakdown in my car with Whitney who asked if I would go to church with her that weekend, and said she knew someone who might be able to help. I was willing to do anything to make the horrible feelings go away. So we met, and I started to study the Bible with Whitney and a couple of other people. Once again I have to admit that my heart wasn't in it. I was doing it because people said it would be good for me. I did it because that's what was expected. And those were not good reasons. So I told Whit that I needed to stop for awhile and that was the end of that.
This past year I started praying a little bit here and there, and thinking that 'Hey! Maybe God is real!". I didn't really know what to do with that though. So in April when things started spiraling out of control I thought maybe God was exactly who I needed. I figured out that trying to do things my way just wasn't working any more. I needed to trust that the Lord would work in my life the way He intended and that I needed to let go. The day after I came to that conclusion, someone asked if I had a church and said I was welcome at their church anytime. I still was unsure and just said that that would be great. The next weekend I went to that church and I've gone every Sunday since. 2 weeks later I texted Whitney and most likely scared her...I was in such a negative place that I even scared myself. While we sat there, I cried and she suddenly said "You might not want to hear this, but you need God." I looked at her and said "I know." The look of shock on her face was priceless. We talked about it and I told her that I had been feeling that way for a while and that I just didn't know what to do. She started helping me, I kept going to church and began to learn more than I ever have.
Instead of zoning out while people were talking to me, or reading scripture, I was soaking up everything I could about Jesus and his life and what had been done for me and my sins. I opened up a lot more about things. When I didn't know how to pray I didn't pretend that I was doing great, I asked for help. When I didn't know how to listen for the Lord, I asked for help. I started praying a lot more.
I'm still going to church, and I have met some incredible people because of that. I've become closer to certain people in my life too. I know now that the Lord has placed all of them in my life for different reasons. Some of those reasons I recognize right away and others I don't see. The one thing I do know, though, is that all of them have been a complete blessing to me. I can count on these people to listen when I need them the most, or to give really amazing advice. I know that they aren't always available to me, and that they have lives too. But I can tell they really do care about me and want to help in whatever capacity they can. I am changing. I feel as though my heart has begun to soften, that I bring things to Him instead of trying to solve it on my own, and that although things are still tough I am starting to heal slowly but surely. I know God is real. I know He loves me. And I know He is going to do some amazing things with my life.
If any of you who are reading this have helped me on this journey or continue to help me....please know that I love you a lot and that I pray for each of you everyday. I'm really glad the Lord has placed you in my life.
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