Moods

When I was younger I had this board game called Moods. I would play it at sleepovers with my friends all of the time, and playing would result in fits of giggles as we quickly had to change our mood and read what was on the card. The game had different cards and you would have to draw a mood and then a quote, and then you would have to say the quote like you were in the mood you drew from the deck.  It was ridiculous, yet hysterical at the same time. The pairs of cards that were fan favorites were "suspicious" with "I'm pregnant." and "sexy" with "I need a new lawn mower." Give us a break, we were 12.

The whole reason I am even bringing this game up is that I have realized recently that my life is turning into a game of Moods, but not as fun or funny. I can be happy one minute, and then as quickly as drawing a new card in the game I would be in a foul mood. That is no way to live and I think it makes it difficult for people to try and gauge where I'm at. I can put all of my trust in someone one minute and the next I'm suspicious and skeptical. Simple words and actions can trigger the biggest reactions from me. A small 'joke' can suddenly make me want to cry.  There are some days where half of the day I feel so empty, and then the rest of the day I am fine.  I've even been experiencing that some this week.  There is so much going on that I was getting stressed. My heart ached, my mind spun, and my body felt hollow.  And then there were moments sprinkled throughout the week where I was with people who made me so happy that I thought my heart would surely burst from the amount of pure joy I felt within it.

Why can't I just have one consistent mood each day? It would be so much easier if people didn't have to try to anticipate what would happen as soon as they said or did something.  As much as I yearn to control those moods and emotions, I know I can't.  This isn't a game where you can just trade an emotion in for a better one.  Trust me there are days I wish it was.  Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with some pretty amazing people who tough it out right along with me.  I'm sure it gets aggravating for them (because it gets aggravating for me as well!) yet they continue to support me and do everything they can to make sure I'm ok.  My outbursts don't drive them away, and my good days are something they celebrate with me. I definitely had people in my life in the past who were not as understanding.  They walked out because they couldn't handle my emotional roller coaster. I had too much baggage, I was taking too long to recover, I wasn't fun anymore.  I would never ask anyone to walk through this with me. But God has placed people into my life who didn't have to be asked, they flat out volunteered. I thank Him for y'all every single day.  The group of you that have rallied around me mean more to me than any of you could ever imagine.  I will always be so grateful for each and every one of you, that will never change.  Some of you may fade in and out of my life (I sure hope not, but if I've learned anything from the past it's that it can happen), but I will never stop appreciating all you have done to help me through this part of my life.

Many of you have seen the issue of People I was in, and your encouraging words have meant so much to me. Some of you reading this right now are people I have never met, who have either found me on Facebook after reading the article or searched for me on Google and found the blog. I actually checked before to see if googling my name would bring up the blog and it never did, today I tried it with a key word or two and it popped right up. Woops! I didn't realize it had been so easy to find. I guess now that I've shared my story in a magazine it doesn't matter anymore.  I have gotten so many messages on Facebook from strangers wishing me well, offering up prayers, telling me how courageous I am and how the world needs more role models like me for young girls.  Y'all I do NOT feel like a role model. I don't know where that came from, but I honestly still feel like a hot mess. Yes, I survived.  I continue to survive.  But some days surviving is literally all I'm doing.  I feel like if I am going to be a role model I should be thriving. I'm just a girl with a little blog that she made mainly to vent her frustrations, but also hoping that at least one person would see it and think "hey I'm not alone."

This whole experience has been so surreal.  I was so worried about it, but figured no one pays attention to those side bars anyway. Today I found a post someone had written on Tumblr that included a photo of me they found on Google and a synopsis of what was in the article. The point they were making by using my photo and story is that there was still hope for victims as long as we give them the right support. I was floored. Who would take the time to find a picture of me and write about me and speak of their support for me? People are starting to recognize me at the Walmart and around town. It is so weird. I have had people approach me and tell me their own stories, strangers and friends alike. I am overcome by all of your vulnerability with a complete stranger. If reading a few sentences about my story gives you the courage to open up about your own trials, then doing the article was more than worth it.

I don't know.  I am literally just a nobody. I had something bad happen to me, and I wanted to speak out about it so that the people involved would realize I am NEVER going to shut up about it. They hurt me, and people are going to hear about it. I am getting stronger every day. I am maturing. I am learning life lessons some don't learn until they're at least twice my age. For all of you that have said I have helped you.....you have actually helped me.  I hope that once I'm done struggling through my own messes, I can help more of you and dedicate more time speaking with you.  I will continue to listen with an open heart and mind, and if you are one of the wonderful women sending me messages asking for advice I am answering you as quickly as I can. You are all incredibly, amazing, beautiful souls and I can't believe I have the honor to speak to you and join you on your own journeys.

To say this magazine sidebar flipped my life upside down is an understatement.  For the first time in 2 years, though, my life has been flipped in a good way.  I never understood the power of words until now. I never realized how loving people can really be.  It is truly incredible.  I hope I can continue to have the opportunity to keep discovering all of those things.

:)