Who Am I?

One time someone asked me if I thought my rape would define me throughout the rest of my life. At the time I said yes. The memories of it and the after effects were so consuming I was convinced that that was all people would ever know about me. When I walked down the street, I felt like people would know what had happened to me even if I had never talked to them before. As if I had a giant flashing neon sign around my neck that said "rape victim".  At the pool today I was talking to this woman who asked me to tell her about myself. We have spoken before when she brings her kids to the pool, but we don't really know each other.  I realized then that I really am not defined by my trauma. I am a person with so many different aspects of her life. So I decided that my task for this blog was going to be to reintroduce myself to you.  For you all to see the kind of person I am aside from my assault is really important to me right now. Some of you will know a lot of this stuff already, some of it are things I've never really told anyone. I hope that some of the things on this list make you smile or laugh...thinking about them made me really happy and resulted in some giggling.

1. From the time I was a kid I loved listening to the music my parents listened to...I still do.  There was a point when I was 7 when I listened to Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits on repeat for like a month straight. I love the music on the radio now, but I still love older music.

2. Speaking of music I am obsessed with the Backstreet Boys.  When I found out they were coming to NC in August I was beyond excited. I squealed and my voice went up about a bazillion octaves, and I bounced around like I had consumed 47 cups of coffee with extra sugar.

3. When I was a kid I used to walk around our backyard pretending I was having some grand adventure. In my head I would narrate my story like I thought an author might if I were in a book. I loved reading and I loved thinking about life like it were a book.

4. I am still an obsessive reader. My favorite thing is to sit on my balcony at night and read.  I've gone through 3 books already since last Thursday. I'm a fast reader :)

5. When I'm stressed out I color.  I have this giant sheep coloring book I've been favoring lately and a 48 box of crayolas.

6. When I was 7 I tried to sell my youngest sister to the kids in my neighborhood. I was mad because she was a baby and I had wanted to go swimming but my mom said no because the stinkin' baby was taking a nap upstairs and I wasn't allowed to go up there to get my bathing suit.  My friend down the street almost bought her for $1.25 and a box of Fruit Rollups. I was thinking about all of the Lisa Frank stickers I could buy when she said she had to ask her mom. That was the end of that...

7. I love kids. Most of you know that. When my family would go to parties I would always end up surrounded by children I didn't even know.  I am genuinely interested in what kids tell me and I love that they feel like they can share what's on their mind. Plus sometimes their words make for hilarious stories later on :)

8. If I ever get married and have kids, I want 5 kids. There was a point last fall I told people I didn't think I wanted kids and I'm not sure why. I've always wanted kids of my own, and I've always wanted a lot of them.

9. I have gone on plenty of dates, but I have never had a boyfriend. I used to get picked on for that a lot, because it seemed like I was behind most people my age. I was 19 when I had my first kiss and I have only ever told that to 3 people who thought I was crazy. It definitely took its toll too, I thought I wasn't pretty enough or was too fat or wasn't good enough. Now I'm realizing I'm not necessarily behind, I just have standards. I won't let myself get close to just anybody, and when I do let myself that person is going to have to really be something.

10. I am a Disney freak.  I love everything Disney, I have cds, DVDs, and I get excited when they add more Disney movies on Netflix. My dream vacation is Disney World. I can guarantee when I finally go to the happiest place on earth I will cry as soon as I see a princess.

11. I am a Disney Princess. I'm sure of it. Ariel is my favorite princess and I think I'm a lot like her even though I think fish are gross and I'm terrified of birds.  Since her best friends are both animals I decide to forget about that part. She's a little strange and adventurous just like me!

12. Orange is my favorite color in the whole wide world, pink is a close second.

13. I cry every time I watch Toy Story 3.

14. I am a nerd about Harry Potter and Doctor Who.

15.  I went through an awkward phase from 5th grade to part way through my junior year of high school.

16. Daisies are my favorite flower, but I can't seem to keep plants alive so I never have any.

17. One time I drove past a field of sunflowers and it was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

18. Every year Ringling Brothers comes to NC and they walk the animals from the train across the street to the Coliseum and people line the street to watch. I went last year with friends and talked about how I wanted to see an elephant. 2 hours later the ground shook and I looked up and saw the elephants coming up the street. I started crying hysterically. When asked why I was crying I yelled "I'm just so happy!" I was so excited I was shaking and people gave me weird looks.

19. In 3rd grade I walked up to this girl Sarah who I had gone to preschool with and said "Hi I'm Kayleigh and we went to preschool together and you're my best friend now." She said "OK." and we've been best friends ever since....and our friendship has worked in pretty much the same way it started haha :)

20. In high school I almost failed Chemistry because I would sit at the back of the room with my friend Jessica turning a gatorade bottle and orange into a mini person we named Randy, and creating "makeup diagrams" with any make up we could find in our purses. How we passed I will never know.

21. English has always been my favorite school subject because I had to write papers. I love writing.

22. When I get frustrated I yell "I'm too pretty for this!" or "meeeeeeehhhhhh".  I don't actually think I'm too pretty for anything except jail.  I would never survive jail. Good thing I'll never have to.

23.  I really like cemeteries. I like walking through them and reading the headstones. I don't find them creepy unless it's at night. At night you better believe I wouldn't be caught dead within 400 ft of one.

24.  I have always been that person people come to to confide in, so when I needed people to talk to it was weird for me.  Any of my friends who were gay? I was usually the first person they would come out to. Know why? Because I love people, and I accept them for who they are. I refuse to alienate someone and stop loving them just because of who they love.  Same goes for friends who haven't always made the best choices in their lives. I still love them even if I don't love what they're doing. We are all human, and none of us are perfect. I wish everyone would treat each other with the same love, tolerance, acceptance, and patience.

25. I really like giving hugs.  I like receiving them too, but I really like giving them. And I'm not about that wimpy nonsense. You come at me with a hug, you better prepare yourself for a good strong one.

I'm sure there are plenty of more things I could tell you. Maybe I'll make another post like this sometime. I really like that I even did this one....these are some memories I love and some things about myself I love.