When things are broken our first reaction is typically to try and fix it. Unfortunately some broken things are not that easy to fix, and repairs take time.
I feel like this is why I have been getting increasingly frustrated this week. I want to be put back together quickly. I wish it were something instant, and I struggle with the fact that it cannot be. I have been hurt too much purposely, and on accident. Sorting through emotions and thoughts and fears becomes truly exhausting and there are days I just want to give up.
I have to start telling people how what they've said has affected me and how it's made me feel. The issue I have is that I don't necessarily know how. In a way I want to cut all ties with those people. I don't want to bother fighting anymore. It would be easiest for all involved to severe our relationship and pretend we want nothing to do with each other. The other part of me, deep down, knows she doesn't want that at all.
The emotionally exhausted half of me wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone. She is anxious. She is sad. She is angry. This half gets upset and anxious over ridiculous things. She freaks out every time she sends a text or email or has to make a phone call. You can find Emotionally Exhausted Girl either in the corner of the couch or in a corner on the floor. She will be curled up in a ball trying to make herself as physically small as possible. She doesn't want to deal with her depression any more. She doesn't want to keep pretending that everything is perfect, when in fact, everything is far from it. This girl is someone I don't want to be, but unfortunately that's who I've been for longer than expected.
I am terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I've come to love and care about. I am afraid to tell anyone how I'm truly feeling, because I feel like they'll get sick of hearing it and leave. I so desperately need to be checked up on once in a while so I don't completely self destruct, but I don't know how to ask for that kind of help. Life does not involve around me, everyone has things they are dealing with and have lives they are living. But sometimes I just need help. I need encouragement. I need to know that somebody, anybody, is willing to listen/offer a shoulder to cry on (literally)/give a hug/just sit with me. I sound so needy it makes me sick.
Now don't get me wrong, I have seen vast improvement since the beginning of June. The mix of medicine and therapy I have been given is helping a lot. But sometimes I don't want to go to therapy. Sometimes I don't want to take my medicine. And sometimes even when I do everything I'm supposed to, I still find it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I don't know how noticeable it's been, but I have been feeling a lot happier, compared to April, May and most of June. The problem, though, is that so many people (including myself) are expecting perfection and for me to be completely "cured". Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.
The other half of me is still a sassy princess. She likes to joke around, tease her friends, and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things. That half gets frustrated at herself when she finds herself in the middle of a crying spell (which still happens way more often than I would hope), or unable to move off the couch. She fights. She makes snarky comments. Her perfect day would be putting on a pretty dress, drinking 10 million iced caramel coffees, going shopping with her friends and smiling. She just wants to be happy. She doesn't like trying to make herself disappear when her anxiety is through the roof. The problem with this half is she is so happy go lucky she is often in denial. Nothing traumatic happens to pretty princesses. Good girls like her don't get hurt, they don't get sad. Her past shouldn't haunt her, and the muck that surfaces in her brain during therapy makes her run and hide. She doesn't like realizing she's had issues since before she was hurt in the worst way she could ever imagine. And she doesn't know what to do with all of those feelings. That's when the super emotional Kayleigh takes back over.
I've really been struggling with this this week. For anyone who has seen me this week I've seemed happy. I mean, I'm excited about going to the beach next week and all of the awesome stuff coming up this month, but part of me is starting to feel empty again. It upsets me because it feels like a relapse. Not a huge like "sound the alarm, be on standby 24/7" relapse, but more of a "1 step forward, 2 steps back" type thing. There are some very serious conversations I need to have with some people, but I'm uncomfortable approaching any of those subjects and it's stressing me out. I'll figure it out, I usually do. I just wish it would happen faster. I like quick results.
Do you think that writing everything out that you need to say to someone(s) and reading said letter to an empty chair will help? That helped my husband immensely when confronting his mother about the lifetime of abuse he suffered. She passed away just as he was making immense progress, and with her went a lot of steps backward. He poured his heart and soul into a letter that he read, screamed, cried, threw pillows, and it allowed him to just get it all out. He still has his bad days - you always will - but they become much further and farther between. Hugs and prayers.
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