Count Your Blessings

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days and have come to quite a few realizations about myself and my life.  As of right now I am done blogging solely about the terrible things I've been remembering.  Those stories, fears, and anxieties in detail are being reserved for those I speak to in person.  Writing them out helps immensely, but I never thought about how they could make people feel.  Reading about how someone you care about has gone through more trials than you were aware has to hurt a lot more than not knowing at all....and I'm through with hurting people.  I actually seriously considered deleting this blog all together. I think I've said that one other time, but I really had to think and pray on it a lot this time.  My name is attached to all of this and I often wonder who is able to find it and read it.  After a lot of careful prayer and consideration, I have decided to keep it for now. The blog has done more good than bad at this point, and I'm afraid that the girls I now talk to on a regular basis (and new readers) either won't be able to find the support they need if I delete it completely.  I'm also afraid that those who read this won't necessarily trust an anonymous author, or won't take what I have to say to heart if I turn this thing to anonymous.  What I am sharing is far too important to stop now.  I'm still not sure what exactly I am supposed to do with most of this, but I can assure you that I will continue doing whatever it takes to reach out to other survivors and show them that even though the road to recovery can be crappy, it is so worth it.  So from now on I am trying to put a positive spin on what I've endured. Honestly, rape is not something I would choose to endure, but that lone experience has helped shape the person I am becoming and that girl is pretty awesome.

It took a very long, emotional conversation on Saturday with someone I was having coffee with to make me realize just how strong I am.  I have always been the first to talk about how weak I am, how lost I feel, and how my life is falling apart.  A wonderful friend listed all of the things that make me strong. I'm not one to point these things out, but after we spoke I wrote them down so that when I get discouraged I can look at them and remind myself that I am ok.

1. Despite the fact I was raped I came back to the same city and lived there for another year.

2. Although everything was falling apart during my senior year at UNCG I still managed to graduate ON TIME with good grades.

3. Even though I was struggling with anxiety and depression I was able to start a career that I absolutely love.

4. Even though it hurts sometimes, I have made it a point to use my voice to show other survivors they are not alone.

Looking at those few things I realize that those were always things I brushed to the side.  They didn't seem like a very big deal at all.  I felt like I was obligated to pursue a career, to suck it up and finish school and to talk about what I was going through.  After reading several other survivor's stories I can see that I am one of few who actually accomplished those feats.  Not being able to do those things is no reflection on any of them at all. I actually find myself surprised that I was actually able to push through.  I guess that was my way of showing him that he won't win.  It was my stubborness and attitude that helped me over those bumps and I am so grateful for that. 

I have also been thinking about how I take so many things for granted.  I am so quick to focus on the negative. Sometimes I catch myself slipping into feeling sorry for myself.  I completely ignore the blessings and positive things in my life.

1. I am healthy enough to wake up every morning and go to work.

2. I have a job at a school I love, working with people I love, and working with kids who can always brighten my day.

3. I don't have a plethora of close friends, but that's ok.  The friends I keep close are absolutely incredible.  We all compliment each other well and we will always be there for each other.  Sometimes work, and other obligations make it difficult to spend a lot of time together, but I try my best to savor the time I do spend with them and I would drop everything to help them.

4. I have been blessed with skills and talents that for a time seemed useless, but now I can see that each one has a purpose.  Each one enhances my life and enables me to do what I was meant to.

There are so many other things I could talk about, but you get the idea.

From this point forward I am going to post more about the positive things in my life. Let's be serious...sometimes it seems like sometimes I just go from one bad experience to the next.  You guys never hear about the wonderful, amazing things in my life.  I allow the negative to overshadow everything that makes me happy. And I'm done doing that :)