I feel like this post has been a long time coming. I've been thinking a lot about how my life has been changing (for the better!) and I have realized that relationships have been changing too. This post may come off at angry, but I don't necessarily want it to. I am not angry. I simply am coming to the realization that change is not as easy as it seems, and that I can't force the changes I want. They have to happen naturally and in their own time. Let me explain.
I have always watched movies and read books where the protagonist either a) has bigger dreams for him/herself, b) has high hopes for changes in their life, or c) eventually spreads their wings and flies, figuring out who they are, what they stand for, and nobody stands in their way. Most of the time they display all of these qualities, and I often find myself wishing I could spread my wings and discover more about myself. I have dreams, I have hopes. I believe that I have begun to do just that. The problem is that I am so worried about how other people will react to the changes occurring within me, that I don't allow myself to take the time to appreciate how much I am growing (slowly, but surely).
Today I have realized that I cannot allow myself to worry about what other people will do or say. I am becoming a much healthier person, and because of that some changes need to be made. I am not always the best at expressing what I need or how I feel, and I lack the courage necessary to speak honestly to some of those I have always been close to. Some may wonder why I would even need courage, and truthfully the answer is not that I am afraid of what the person thinks about me. I am terrified that I will hurt them, and that when I finally figure out who I am, where I'm going in my life, and what I stand for, they won't have any interest in being around me anymore. I am not deserting anybody, I am not running away. I am just attempting to carve out my own life.
I need to allow myself to experience life. I have not had a desire to live my life as strongly as I do now, in over 2 years. I cannot fathom the idea of sitting around trying desperately to keep life the way it has always been when there is a whole world of experiences out there for me. I want to grow closer to my friends, to God, and to the people He has placed in my life more recently. I want to go places, I want to try new things. I want to have amazing discussions with people, I want to learn more about them. I want to learn more about me. I want to get over the hurdles created by the hurt I have endured. I want to be able to embrace my changing relationships in my family no matter how uncomfortable it makes me sometimes. I want to rest in the fact that circumstances change, and people change and sometimes we have to let those changes happen no matter how much it may hurt at times. Honestly, I believe that all of that hurt will eventually turn into something so utterly amazing that I will be shocked that I ever thought change wasn't worth it.
I am striving to be the best friend, daughter, and teacher I know how to be. If there is anything I have learned the past couple of years, it is that I can't let my circumstances define who I am. I need to start taking back my own identity. I need to stop worrying about how other people view me. I am indecisive, loud, sometimes obnoxious. I am a drama queen, sometimes a little high maintenance (Whit and Lauren this is the only time you will ever hear me admit this....savor it). When people walk into my life I tend to love them so much that I'm sure it gets to a point where it becomes a little annoying. I want everyone to know how much I value them. I like making jokes, I like being the funny friend and when someone steals my thunder it hurts a little. I have horrible dance moves like "tossing the pizza" and I have no rhythm whatsoever. That won't stop me from dancing around like a fool in public. It doesn't matter where I am either...it will happen. I take things too personally, and I try to take on other people's pain because I hate seeing others so upset. When I should be worrying about myself, I don't.
Some days I want to watch old movies, and watch Netflix, and never change out of my pjs (basically how I spent this entire long weekend). Sometimes I don't want to be by myself. Some days (actually go ahead and read this as every day) I want to hug everyone...even the people I don't get along with. I just feel like everyone can always use a hug, it's what makes the world go round.
I guess the point of this was to say that I am in a constant state of change these days, and I love it. I know it is difficult sometimes to be around someone who often seems to change their mind about things 35 million times, or who doesn't seem to really know what they want. I can't always explain why I choose to do things. I don't want to have to try. Be patient with me, I know great things are going to happen in my life...I just need to let them.
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