When My Mind Races....

I have like 50 billion thoughts running through my head and so this post is probably going to be random and sporadic. I went through my Twitter today just for the heck of it and saw all of these things I posted 2 years ago and it is insane how much I was crying out for help (but not in real life, because I was afraid to). Also it was insane how much I loved tweeting about the free samples I got to eat everyday of my life when I worked at the Lindt Outlet. This internet throwback also reminded me of random things that at the time were kind of sad because they were some of the few things that made me happy....but now they make me smile :)  My mom taking my for orange chocolate custard with rainbow sprinkles after I had to go for my STD screening makes me smile. My sister Megan leaping down the stairs to make me an omelet at midnight because I was finally hungry makes me smile. My sister Katie snuggling with me and impersonating baby animals makes me smile. My dad watching Easy A with me at 3am because our allergies were killing us makes me smile. I also remember that for a week straight I would still be up at dawn (I couldn't sleep that summer) and I watched 3 baby foxes frolic around in the backyard. That image doesn't just make me smile, it puts a big goofy grin on my face.  These things were so simple, but so powerful at the same time. My family literally did everything they could to try and bring some normalcy back in my life. In the process of trying to heal, I seem to have pushed some of those things out of my mind and I wish I hadn't.

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I am happy to report that I went 3 days straight this week with no panic attacks, and hardly any anxiety. The only time I felt even a smidge of anxiety is when I broke a VCR...I'm not getting in to that.  I've also been eating and keeping said food down! In fact Friday night I ate twice. Small victories for me! I think my medicine is starting to work as far as keeping my anxiety down, but it makes me feel kind of sick so I still plan on seeing a psychiatrist to manage my medicine and help me figure out what I can take. I don't trust my doctor with that (OK honestly I don't trust him with much at all) so I think it's best if I just turn it over to someone else.  I also got a phone call Friday and finally set up an appointment with a new counselor. My appointment is Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it.  Hopefully this time I'll have a winner on all fronts, and I'll be able to get some of the help I've been needing.

I do want to be clear, though, that having good days this week does not mean I'm OK now and can just keep it moving like nothing ever happened. A lot of days are still a struggle and I am not 100%. The important thing to remember, though, is that I'm getting there....slowly but surely. I truly wish I could just get over it, but that is not going to happen. I was raped, and I can't change that. And unfortunately, no matter how much I try to pray or wish it away, the things that were done to me and the way I was treated afterwards will haunt me for the rest of my life. My 1st therapist (though a total idiot) was not kidding when she said that my physical wounds were gone, but my emotional, mental and spiritual scars would be there forever. I was hoping she was wrong, but considering how crazy things got for me emotionally since the end of April, I am starting to realize that that is a very harsh reality.
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I was having a conversation with an internet friend who has gone through the same things I have and she shared this quote/idea/whatever that she found with me. 

"I wish that there was a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m having a bad mental health day and need you to pay attention to me,” without alienating everyone.

or: “I’m having a bad mental health day and need to be on my own for a while so please don’t be mad if I cancel our plans on short notice.”
or: “i’m having a bad mental health day and i don’t know what i need or who i need it from. please help me figure it out.”

There have been so many times especially over the past month where I've needed to say all of these things at different times and I just don't know how.  Here is my public plea to everyone. Those people who have been friends with me from the start, new friends, my family, coworkers....

Please be patient with me. I am trying so hard to get through all of this mess that is going on inside and I know it's difficult to handle me sometimes. If I'm looking like I'm in a daze, I'm probably having a bad day. If I start texting you a lot I can almost promise it's because I am desperate for a friend at that point. If I don't respond to you right away you have every right to worry....BUT sometimes I just need a minute by myself to try and sort things out. I am not intentionally trying to push any of you away....if I start pushing please push back.  Don't walk away. When you get upset with me I get so upset. I am not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just trying to fix me. I am broken and I need to figure out how to piece me back together. When you talk about me (in not so nice ways) and I'm standing right there I CAN HEAR YOU. I may not respond, but it's because I literally can't. There are days where it takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed, to go to work, to speak to anyone. It takes energy some days to crack a fake smile. All I ask is that you please be sensitive to the fact that even I don't understand what the heck is going on with me. Just please, please....don't give up on me. 
Also I really like hugs. All day everyday. 
I am being serious when I say these things....and they aren't easy to say. And if you feel like any one in particular needs to see this go ahead and pass it on. I am done being afraid of sharing my feelings with people (for now anyway).
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Also on a happier note this past Thursday was my 23rd birthday! My parents sent me flowers, my kids brought me cards and delicious cupcakes and other treats (like an apple fritter as big as my head), and Lauren took me out for din. It was a good day, and probably the best birthday I have had in about 4 years. I definitely felt special on Thursday. It got even better Friday night when me and Whit, Lauren, Amy and Rachel went to Celebration Station to celebrate! I terrified everyone on the go karts, went after everyone with the bumper boats that shoot water (even Lauren who swore in the car that if anyone got her wet she would hold a grudge for the rest of her life....as of this afternoon she's still talking to me so I think she's over it haha), and played the longest game of mini golf ever. Thursday and Friday were the happiest I have been in weeks. I screamed, I laughed, I smiled genuinely! I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends.  And so on that note I leave you with this picture of me and my homeslices looking pretty content on Friday night :)

I decided to add this one in too because I just think it's funny and I thought I was going to break the little porch. Photo cred goes to Whitney (WHIT YOU'VE GOTTEN LIKE 6 SHOUT OUTS IN THIS POST AND I AM YELLING WHICH SORT OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THESE PARENTHESIS)

<3 <3 <3

 

Fake It Til Ya Make It

The past few weeks, man.  I don't know.  I had made so much progress over the past 2 years and it seems like I almost completely reversed in the past few weeks.  If we're talking about rock bottom, though, Saturday was my most recent "rock bottom" since last December.  I didn't do anything stupid, and wasn't planning on it.  I was feeling so incredibly depressed, though, and texted Whitney about it.  I went to meet up with her (at Target of all places....I can officially cross 'sit in the middle of Target and cry' off of my bucket list) and just let it out.  Reading that text later on, the way I felt that day scares me.  How do you go from a happy, bubbly person to an empty, emotionless container in a matter of days? 

Last week the first time I ate a full meal I was so proud of myself. But my body couldn't handle it, and I threw it all up about 10 minutes later.  I felt so defeated.  I wanted that tiny victory and my own body couldn't even allow me that.  I just want to be able to eat without having to force food down my throat, and enjoy it, and not feel like eating is a chore. I am so sick of faking it around people. Anyone that is around me on a regular basis knows that I am being so fake when I smile or laugh these days.  It is so forced it is ridiculous. I am trying so hard to survive right now, that normalcy just doesn't seem possible at all.  I would love to sleep normally too.  Waking up on the floor is not ideal, and the bruises on my legs, arm, and hand would agree that whatever is making me thrash and fight with air (and my wall) while I'm asleep needs to back off.  I have gone through enough without having to relive every portion of it every time I close my eyes. That is so unfair.  Wasn't it bad enough the first time? Isn't it bad enough when I think about my rape when I'm awake? Can I just get a little peace?

Honestly, what has been helping me is something 2 years ago I would have never thought would help. God. I have done a complete 180 when it's come to my views on Christianity and God.  2 years ago I would have been hesitant and uncertain and uncomfortable when anyone brought up their belief. Now, the times I feel the most at peace and ok with myself and my circumstances are when I'm at church or have that bible open.  Those are the times I always seem to find what I need and I love that.  I started looking into counseling services this week and found a Christian counselor who seems like they'll be a great fit for me.  I feel like this is something I've needed, but didn't know where to start. And any time in the past that I have ever started considering that what I needed was God, I would start feeling pushed in that direction by others (when that should be a decision I make on my own) or I would get hesitant and scared.  At this point, I have never been so sure about something.  This is what I have needed, God is who will get me through. 

Yesterday afternoon I was giddy about a concert announcement I found, and that excitement bubbled over into today.  I'm not holding my breath.  I passed out again Sunday right before I walked through my front door, and came to surrounded by neighbors I have never seen before.  I hate to be pessimistic, but there is no way that I go from scary, dark, empty place on Saturday (anxety ridden and passing out on Sunday, and moody and anxiety ridden 90% of the day Monday) to totally cured and fine on Tuesday.  No way.  And I feel that that is how it's treated sometimes.  "Oh look, Kayleigh is perfectly fine now!"  I still need a lot of help.  I still need support.  I still need to be reminded once in a while that this crazy hard journey will be worth it, and that people care that I'm hurting. 

I am not cured.  But this is a baby step.  And I will take it. 

The Problem with PTSD

It has been a rough few weeks and I haven't felt much like writing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now, for no particular reason. 

My PTSD has hit a new point for me and it just flat out sucks. I am not going to sugar coat it.  It is so hard to feel so terrible, and for no one to understand how sick you are and feel.  I don't look physically sick, yet getting out of bed and living my life is such a struggle I cannot even stand it. Panic and anxiety have become daily routine....to the point where last week I ended up at Urgent Care on Monday and the ER on Wednesday.  One of those attacks was so bad I passed out.  That has never ever happened to me before and it felt HORRIBLE. 

Despite how some people have reacted, going throughout my day with a giant knot in my stomach is not how I want to spend my life.  This medicine is not kicking in and I can't get in to see the specialist of my choice until June.  There are so many other stresses contributing to all of this, and it makes it that much harder to put up with it.  It's so hard to know what is triggering them! If I could figure it out that might make my life ten times easier. 

I have been pretty proud of myself the past few days, though.  I was able to celebrate little things like eating half of a meal (eating anything at all really), sleeping for multiple hours at a time, and the big one was Sunday when I decided to try another church but got anxious about going by myself and made myself do it anyway....I ended up really liking it and plan on going back so I was definitely proud of the fact that I was able to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I survived yesterday.  It was a struggle, and May 6th will always be the worst, but I made it through mostly all together.  I had a rough day, I was on edge, and I wanted to cry a lot.  But I pushed through and made it through a full day of work, and didn't even cry. Holla!

I'm still struggling with the decision to keep this blog or not.  I know it's helped some people (because yall have told me) but it's starting to occur to me that some people may judge me for what was done to me and what I've been through.  For now I guess I'll keep rollin' with it, but I am definitely blocking certain people on Facebook from seeing it.  I just don't know that I'm comfortable with certain people knowing what I'm going through.

BLAH.

I woke up with the sads today. :( Actually can you call it waking up if you didn't really get any sleep to begin with? I went to bed last night around 8:30 after taking a trip to the store and not having a very good evening.

Yesterday I went to the Dr. and argued with him about my meds. And by argued I mean he wasn't listening and I started screaming at him. I need a new doctor. If anyone knows of a good one let me know :)

Anyway, this morning I got up at 6am. I had been tossing and turning all night, I'm lucky if I even got 2 solid hours of sleep. I cleaned my entire apartment because I was so anxious and stressed out. I cried a lot this morning for no reason. I went out to lunch with a friend which was good, and afterwards Lauren informed me we got paid last night (what a pleasant surprise!). I thought maybe going shopping would help me feel better.  No such luck. I've felt kind of like a zombie all day. I can't sleep, I lose interest in whatever is on tv within 10 minutes and even Targhetto couldn't pull me out of this funkay mood I'm in! Oh and I've been listening to the same Phillip Phillips song for the past 45 minutes.

I have no appetite either. I could have gone without eating lunch today. I had maybe 5 good size bites of my nachos, and I can almost guarantee I won't be eating dinner tonight because if things continue they way they have been most of the week, I just won't be hungry at all. I'm trying not to complain, I really am....but this is miserable. I can't wait to get back to feeling normal. It's not fun constantly having your heart racing, your palms sweating, your head pounding, your stomach turning. It stinks....especially since there really isn't a reason for it.

I've been really bad, too, at telling people what I need. Anyone who's known me for a while knows I am terrible at asking for help, or just someone to talk to/cry to/whine to/hug/be distracted by. At some point in the last few days I have eventually needed all of those things, maybe not all at once, but at some point in time. I never know how to tell anyone what I need, though, without sounding like a big whiny baby.  And sometimes when I do bring it up I can sense that people start getting uncomfortable so I drop it. Even today I could have just used someone to come over and play Pretty Pretty Princess with me and watch Pocohontas....mainly just needing some company.

On the other hand, it gets complicated because there are several times throughout the past few days where I've wanted to be left alone, too. It's like my brain doesn't know what it wants. One minute it was content laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing, the next it was craving human contact. Fingers crossed this roller coaster will be over in a week or so....that's how it went last year.  Only lasted a couple of weeks. And fortunately last year I got distracted for some of it because my family was here for graduation and my mom nearly killed me with a carrot cake cupcake. :)

Hopefully I get some sleep tonight, and maybe I'll even wake up wanting to eat something in the morning (note I started writing this at 1:30 this afternoon and it is now 10pm and my guess was true...I haven't eaten. I can't even get myself to eat something yummy like ice cream). My plan is to find a church to try out in the morning.  I've been trying to look, but haven't found a good fit yet.  I feel like I need to find one soon, even though I work 2 Sundays out of the month and would only go to services for the other two. Who knows! Anyway, this has been a whiny post and I'm ready to sleep. 

Tis the Season

It's officially the end of April and I would love to know where this month went. I've been dreading May so I am really not thrilled about it starting next week. May 6th is about two weeks away. Remember when I said I was going to be really positive about it and treat it as more of a celebration? What a load of crap.

Already it's starting. My anxiety is through the roof. Not only am I starting to mentally/emotionally become introverted, it's starting to hit me physically too. I noticed myself today trying to crawl into the smallest ball possible. I guess I was hoping that that would make everything disappear. No such luck.

I had a full blown panic attack while I was driving to work this morning. My chest felt like it was in  vice, my breathing was shallow, my vision blurred.  I pulled over and took a lot of deep breaths. Once I felt like I was under control I started driving again. I got about halfway down the road when I pulled over again. It was bad. I texted Whitney to see where she was because I was hoping to con her into coming and picking me up off the road and driving me to work. She was still a good ways from school so I told her I could handle it. I specifically remember telling her I needed to throw up but that I was afraid to get out of my car because I was terrified people I know would see me.  Eventually I just didn't care (and a couple of people did see me during part of the ordeal but I didn't find out until later).  I walked around the side of the car, grabbed the side mirror in a death grip and started dry heaving into the ditch.

Long story short, I made it to work (a couple minutes late but hey I made it!). That was the absolute worst ever. I took some medicine finally which helped but made me so tired because I haven't taken any of it in like a month and my body was not used to it. I'm going to the Dr friday morning to see if he'll prescribe something Xanax like that isnt Xanax cause I hate that stuff. The Lexapro is a good preventative thing but I feel kind of screwed over when I have a panic attack or severe anxiety and have nothing extra to fall back on.

I just keep telling myself that the worst of it will be over in 2 weeks. 2 weeks, just 2 weeks.  All of the other work stress is definitely not helping at all, but I know I can get through that too. Let's not even add the issues I've been having with friends/people I used to be close with. I'm done making an effort to see these people. I have done my part. I am constantly reaching out to you and nothing ever happens. I'm just going to go ahead and take the hint that you are only my friend when it is convenient for you and that you only want to catch up with me when I mention we should (and then our plans never go through anyway). So ridiculous and I am very done.

I am so exhausted I just want to sleep from now til tomorrow night.

Q&A Time!!

So I finally got all of the questions that I figure I'll get and I'm going to take some time to answer them. Thanks to everyone who sent me questions...some of them really made me think hard. I'm not putting names on the questions....you know what you've asked!

How do you think your life would be different if you hadn't been raped? Would it be different?
I really had to remove my entire assault from my head for a minute in order to come up with an answer to this question. I think my life would be totally different. My relationships wouldn't be as complex as they are now. If I wanted to be your friend in the past we would just have to get along and have stuff in common and BOOM we'd be instant friends. Now, though, you really have to prove yourself to me.  My relationships with my family have changed...some of it happens to be a good change, some of it is not. If I hadn't been raped I don't think I would take things as personally or be nearly as offended by certain things. If I hadn't been raped I would still be acting like an immature college student instead of like a responsible adult. I matured a lot in the past 2 years. It's funny though, because I think if you knew me before all of this you can vouch for that.  If you are a recent friend you might be thinking "mature!? you act like a 5 year old!" There are times where I do, in fact, still act like a child. It's something I'm still working on and is a type of maturity that will continue to grow with time. I also think that if I hadn't been raped I wouldn't be so needy. My constant need to know I'm doing a good job or to be reassured that people like me gets absolutely tiring. So I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that yes, my life would be totally different if I hadn't been assaulted. Some things would be for better some would be for worse.

LOVE YOUR TATTOO!!!!! Do you plan on getting another one?
Ah thank you!! I love my tattoo too. I think I have found my next one, I want it on my shoulder blade area. It's the words "Let your past make you better, not bitter" in the shape of a heart. It's really cute and the words really speak to what I believe about what I've been through. You all know I constantly say that I was meant to do something with what I've been given, and I truly think that what I was supposed to do starts with bettering myself.

 As a survivor myself I know that there are certain smells and things that trigger me. Do you have any in particular that still bother you to this day that you just can't seem to shake?
Oh my stars yes. The one that I cannot get over is the smell of Papa Johns pepperoni pizza. The smell of it makes me absolutely sick. I can eat it, but I literally have to hold my breath so I don't smell it. Isn't that just absolutely ridiculous?

Two year anniversary day is coming up (please don't be mad I called it an anniversary since anniversaries are usually happy and this isn't a happy siutation) are you nervous about it? Do you feel like you'll go through it ok?
Oh gosh I am not mad at you at all! I refer to it as an anniversary too, because what else do you call it? That day 2 years ago that I was raped by an idiot in an apartment? Naw...we'll just call it a two year anniversary!  I actually am not dreading it this year. I plan on celebrating it this year. It's my Survivor Day....the day I proved to myself that I could survive in even the nastiest of circumstances and I think that that's worth celebrating, don't you? Heck I might even make myself some cupcakes. I also want to take balloons and tie slips of paper on one color with things that have made me upset the past two years on them, and write dreams and goals and tie them to a different group of colored balloons and release them. That was something that was suggested to me at the hospital last year that I've been wanting to do.

Tell me where'd you get that body from?
I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA.. (Brownie points if you know what song this is from).
But seriously why was this a question?

In the future what milestones or things do you think you'll hit that will be the hardest for you?
I'm about to get really personal. I had to think about this for a long time and have come to the conclusion that I will probably have some issues when the following happen:
1. When I start dating/get a boyfriend.

2. The first time I have sex that is consensual.

3. When I get married.

4. When I have kids.

I feel like all of these things have the potential to have triggering effects on me. Trying to trust men again is what a lot of this comes down to.  I know there are good guys out there, I just have major trust issues and it's going to take a lot for me to overcome them.  A big thing for me is number 2. My 7th grade science teacher when teaching us about the reproductive system used to start off every class by saying, "SEX. Is a beautiful thing." We all used to giggle and turn beat red because oh my gosh our teacher just said sex. But I was thinking about those lessons the other day and the things she used to say, and I really wish I could honestly view it as something 'beautiful'.  Instead my brain recognizes sex as a weapon that was used against me to take away control of my body and to break my spirit. It's going to take so much to get beyond that. One day I know I'll be able to get past that or at least control it....but I do fear the day when I have to try to overcome that.

In your opinion what is the toughest thing about your PTSD to deal with?
My OCD. I have this incredible need to have everything perfect, to constantly be validated (to the point where it is, in fact, obsessive). When people find out I have OCD they expect me to do things like wash my hands obsessively or something physical like that. You cannot generalize OCD to a mental illness dealing with germs. A lot of people with OCD do have that problem, but there are other pieces of obsessive compulsive disorder. I would do things like check my locks 10 times exactly before I went to bed, I would look out my windows to make sure no one was hiding on my balcony. But more than the physical is the mental. The thoughts I have, the things I need to hear. It's difficult because you cannot force people to say what you so need to hear, and I would never want to. That whole part of my PTSD is slowly getting under control, but it is definitely the most difficult to deal with.

How do you feel about people who make rape jokes?
I don't mind when people make jokes about rape culture....because typically those jokes are used to point out how ridiculous our society is. When people make jokes about the action of rape itself, though, I write them off as complete trash and lose any respect I may have had for them. I was looking through my facebook the other day and a girl my sister and I used to be friends with had left a message on one of my notes about 2 years ago. It was a letter thing with blank spaces they were supposed to fill in. One of the lines was "I want to_______you." Most of my friends said things like visit, hug, love.  This girl's word she chose to insert? "Rape". Yep. It said "I want to rape you." I hadn't been raped yet but even then I didn't find it funny. Rape is not a joke. And the longer we treat it as one the longer it will take for victims to be treated humanely and respectfully. We need to stomp out these jokes to try and stop revictimizing.

How do you feel when you see things in the news where rape victims haven't been able to bounce back as you have or have given up and taken their lives?
I think it's devastating. I see these women and I think about how I have been in their shoes and have felt the way they have. The most recent one that comes to mind is Rehteah Parsons. Her story breaks my heart, but sends an important message. We need to start standing up for survivors. We need to teach that rape is wrong, bullying is wrong, and bullying about a rape is so incredibly wrong. That beautiful girl should never have been treated the way she was.

So a couple posts ago you were freaking out about dating...still feel that way?
I had a heart to heart with Whitney after that one was written.  I've come to the conclusion that I need to suck it up and at least try. I'm willing to at least try. So if you're not an old creepy dude, and don't mind taking a girl with some baggage on a date then I'm down. Also men with cat scrapbooks and who like to touch people's faces a lot need not apply ;)

How was your faith affected?
I was never a deeply religious person. When I was a kid I went to religion class, made my communion and confirmation and all that jazz but only went to church when something like that was happening, or someone was getting married, or someone died. I believed in God, but attending church wasn't a major part of my life. After I was raped I wasn't even sure there was a God anymore. If there was, why would he let someone hurt me the way they did? I was extremely hesitant when it came to facing my battle with faith head on. I have finally gotten to a point where I know that I believe in God, I pray constantly (just not out loud....that's a personal thing and something I kind of had a fear of forever. He can hear me though so I don't worry about pleasing other people by praying outloud) and I don't necessarily go to church (I work at a church nearly every Sunday. If the radio in the room is working that day I can listen to the sermon on AM radio) but going to church doesn't define my faith...my relationship with God does. Boo-yah.

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Thanks for all of the questions! Hopefully a little later this week I will be able to post again but with some exciting news.  I don't want to post anything prematurely in case some things fall through so you'll just have to wait :) Also please, please donate to my RAINN page. My campaign only has 15 days left and I am nowhere near my goal. Thank you to the 2 very generous donors who have already made contributions! Love you all :)

 http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell

Happy April!

Today is the start of Sexual Assault Awareness Month! Wear your teal this month, donate to my RAINN page http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell  or do something else to help raise awareness! 

I've made a new friend on the interwebs who has gone through a lot of the things I have gone through. She's really struggling right now, and I totally remember being at that point and how scary it was. Keep her in your prayers, y'all! She's one tough cookie....she just needs to be reminded of that once in a while :)

I want to write a new Tales of a Survivor post sometime soon answering YOUR questions. It can be questions about me, questions about my assault, questions about rape statistics, questions about anything really. I have so many people reading the blog and I know that not everyone knows me or my story.  I will be answering all of these questions in a public forum (my blog, obvs.) so if there is a question that you want answered but aren’t comfortable with it being posted for the world to see, let me know and I can answer it privately. ALSO I will not be posting NAMES on this blog (maybe first names, but I doubt it).
I am seriously down for posting anything, as long as you’re interested in reading the answers :) My tumblr people can message me on here and everyone else can either message me via facebook or send an email to talesofasurvivor@gmail.com :)
I look forward to getting your questions! Hopefully I’ll get enough to warrant a post :D