It's officially the end of April and I would love to know where this month went. I've been dreading May so I am really not thrilled about it starting next week. May 6th is about two weeks away. Remember when I said I was going to be really positive about it and treat it as more of a celebration? What a load of crap.
Already it's starting. My anxiety is through the roof. Not only am I starting to mentally/emotionally become introverted, it's starting to hit me physically too. I noticed myself today trying to crawl into the smallest ball possible. I guess I was hoping that that would make everything disappear. No such luck.
I had a full blown panic attack while I was driving to work this morning. My chest felt like it was in vice, my breathing was shallow, my vision blurred. I pulled over and took a lot of deep breaths. Once I felt like I was under control I started driving again. I got about halfway down the road when I pulled over again. It was bad. I texted Whitney to see where she was because I was hoping to con her into coming and picking me up off the road and driving me to work. She was still a good ways from school so I told her I could handle it. I specifically remember telling her I needed to throw up but that I was afraid to get out of my car because I was terrified people I know would see me. Eventually I just didn't care (and a couple of people did see me during part of the ordeal but I didn't find out until later). I walked around the side of the car, grabbed the side mirror in a death grip and started dry heaving into the ditch.
Long story short, I made it to work (a couple minutes late but hey I made it!). That was the absolute worst ever. I took some medicine finally which helped but made me so tired because I haven't taken any of it in like a month and my body was not used to it. I'm going to the Dr friday morning to see if he'll prescribe something Xanax like that isnt Xanax cause I hate that stuff. The Lexapro is a good preventative thing but I feel kind of screwed over when I have a panic attack or severe anxiety and have nothing extra to fall back on.
I just keep telling myself that the worst of it will be over in 2 weeks. 2 weeks, just 2 weeks. All of the other work stress is definitely not helping at all, but I know I can get through that too. Let's not even add the issues I've been having with friends/people I used to be close with. I'm done making an effort to see these people. I have done my part. I am constantly reaching out to you and nothing ever happens. I'm just going to go ahead and take the hint that you are only my friend when it is convenient for you and that you only want to catch up with me when I mention we should (and then our plans never go through anyway). So ridiculous and I am very done.
I am so exhausted I just want to sleep from now til tomorrow night.
If you're not getting what you need from your MD, get a new one. Is this person also counseling you? I found relief from my post-attack anxiety with a combo of meds and talk therapy. And just so you know you aren't alone - at the height of my panic attacks, I once pulled the emergency stop button on a CTA subway in Chicago. People on the car I was riding in were swearing at me but I bolted off the car as soon as it stopped and went and threw up on the platform. Good times. Sending you a hug of solidarity and reminding you that you will, will, will survive this stage. xxoo
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