BLAH.

I woke up with the sads today. :( Actually can you call it waking up if you didn't really get any sleep to begin with? I went to bed last night around 8:30 after taking a trip to the store and not having a very good evening.

Yesterday I went to the Dr. and argued with him about my meds. And by argued I mean he wasn't listening and I started screaming at him. I need a new doctor. If anyone knows of a good one let me know :)

Anyway, this morning I got up at 6am. I had been tossing and turning all night, I'm lucky if I even got 2 solid hours of sleep. I cleaned my entire apartment because I was so anxious and stressed out. I cried a lot this morning for no reason. I went out to lunch with a friend which was good, and afterwards Lauren informed me we got paid last night (what a pleasant surprise!). I thought maybe going shopping would help me feel better.  No such luck. I've felt kind of like a zombie all day. I can't sleep, I lose interest in whatever is on tv within 10 minutes and even Targhetto couldn't pull me out of this funkay mood I'm in! Oh and I've been listening to the same Phillip Phillips song for the past 45 minutes.

I have no appetite either. I could have gone without eating lunch today. I had maybe 5 good size bites of my nachos, and I can almost guarantee I won't be eating dinner tonight because if things continue they way they have been most of the week, I just won't be hungry at all. I'm trying not to complain, I really am....but this is miserable. I can't wait to get back to feeling normal. It's not fun constantly having your heart racing, your palms sweating, your head pounding, your stomach turning. It stinks....especially since there really isn't a reason for it.

I've been really bad, too, at telling people what I need. Anyone who's known me for a while knows I am terrible at asking for help, or just someone to talk to/cry to/whine to/hug/be distracted by. At some point in the last few days I have eventually needed all of those things, maybe not all at once, but at some point in time. I never know how to tell anyone what I need, though, without sounding like a big whiny baby.  And sometimes when I do bring it up I can sense that people start getting uncomfortable so I drop it. Even today I could have just used someone to come over and play Pretty Pretty Princess with me and watch Pocohontas....mainly just needing some company.

On the other hand, it gets complicated because there are several times throughout the past few days where I've wanted to be left alone, too. It's like my brain doesn't know what it wants. One minute it was content laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing, the next it was craving human contact. Fingers crossed this roller coaster will be over in a week or so....that's how it went last year.  Only lasted a couple of weeks. And fortunately last year I got distracted for some of it because my family was here for graduation and my mom nearly killed me with a carrot cake cupcake. :)

Hopefully I get some sleep tonight, and maybe I'll even wake up wanting to eat something in the morning (note I started writing this at 1:30 this afternoon and it is now 10pm and my guess was true...I haven't eaten. I can't even get myself to eat something yummy like ice cream). My plan is to find a church to try out in the morning.  I've been trying to look, but haven't found a good fit yet.  I feel like I need to find one soon, even though I work 2 Sundays out of the month and would only go to services for the other two. Who knows! Anyway, this has been a whiny post and I'm ready to sleep.