The Problem with PTSD

It has been a rough few weeks and I haven't felt much like writing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now, for no particular reason. 

My PTSD has hit a new point for me and it just flat out sucks. I am not going to sugar coat it.  It is so hard to feel so terrible, and for no one to understand how sick you are and feel.  I don't look physically sick, yet getting out of bed and living my life is such a struggle I cannot even stand it. Panic and anxiety have become daily routine....to the point where last week I ended up at Urgent Care on Monday and the ER on Wednesday.  One of those attacks was so bad I passed out.  That has never ever happened to me before and it felt HORRIBLE. 

Despite how some people have reacted, going throughout my day with a giant knot in my stomach is not how I want to spend my life.  This medicine is not kicking in and I can't get in to see the specialist of my choice until June.  There are so many other stresses contributing to all of this, and it makes it that much harder to put up with it.  It's so hard to know what is triggering them! If I could figure it out that might make my life ten times easier. 

I have been pretty proud of myself the past few days, though.  I was able to celebrate little things like eating half of a meal (eating anything at all really), sleeping for multiple hours at a time, and the big one was Sunday when I decided to try another church but got anxious about going by myself and made myself do it anyway....I ended up really liking it and plan on going back so I was definitely proud of the fact that I was able to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I survived yesterday.  It was a struggle, and May 6th will always be the worst, but I made it through mostly all together.  I had a rough day, I was on edge, and I wanted to cry a lot.  But I pushed through and made it through a full day of work, and didn't even cry. Holla!

I'm still struggling with the decision to keep this blog or not.  I know it's helped some people (because yall have told me) but it's starting to occur to me that some people may judge me for what was done to me and what I've been through.  For now I guess I'll keep rollin' with it, but I am definitely blocking certain people on Facebook from seeing it.  I just don't know that I'm comfortable with certain people knowing what I'm going through.