The past few weeks, man. I don't know. I had made so much progress over the past 2 years and it seems like I almost completely reversed in the past few weeks. If we're talking about rock bottom, though, Saturday was my most recent "rock bottom" since last December. I didn't do anything stupid, and wasn't planning on it. I was feeling so incredibly depressed, though, and texted Whitney about it. I went to meet up with her (at Target of all places....I can officially cross 'sit in the middle of Target and cry' off of my bucket list) and just let it out. Reading that text later on, the way I felt that day scares me. How do you go from a happy, bubbly person to an empty, emotionless container in a matter of days?
Last week the first time I ate a full meal I was so proud of myself. But my body couldn't handle it, and I threw it all up about 10 minutes later. I felt so defeated. I wanted that tiny victory and my own body couldn't even allow me that. I just want to be able to eat without having to force food down my throat, and enjoy it, and not feel like eating is a chore. I am so sick of faking it around people. Anyone that is around me on a regular basis knows that I am being so fake when I smile or laugh these days. It is so forced it is ridiculous. I am trying so hard to survive right now, that normalcy just doesn't seem possible at all. I would love to sleep normally too. Waking up on the floor is not ideal, and the bruises on my legs, arm, and hand would agree that whatever is making me thrash and fight with air (and my wall) while I'm asleep needs to back off. I have gone through enough without having to relive every portion of it every time I close my eyes. That is so unfair. Wasn't it bad enough the first time? Isn't it bad enough when I think about my rape when I'm awake? Can I just get a little peace?
Honestly, what has been helping me is something 2 years ago I would have never thought would help. God. I have done a complete 180 when it's come to my views on Christianity and God. 2 years ago I would have been hesitant and uncertain and uncomfortable when anyone brought up their belief. Now, the times I feel the most at peace and ok with myself and my circumstances are when I'm at church or have that bible open. Those are the times I always seem to find what I need and I love that. I started looking into counseling services this week and found a Christian counselor who seems like they'll be a great fit for me. I feel like this is something I've needed, but didn't know where to start. And any time in the past that I have ever started considering that what I needed was God, I would start feeling pushed in that direction by others (when that should be a decision I make on my own) or I would get hesitant and scared. At this point, I have never been so sure about something. This is what I have needed, God is who will get me through.
Yesterday afternoon I was giddy about a concert announcement I found, and that excitement bubbled over into today. I'm not holding my breath. I passed out again Sunday right before I walked through my front door, and came to surrounded by neighbors I have never seen before. I hate to be pessimistic, but there is no way that I go from scary, dark, empty place on Saturday (anxety ridden and passing out on Sunday, and moody and anxiety ridden 90% of the day Monday) to totally cured and fine on Tuesday. No way. And I feel that that is how it's treated sometimes. "Oh look, Kayleigh is perfectly fine now!" I still need a lot of help. I still need support. I still need to be reminded once in a while that this crazy hard journey will be worth it, and that people care that I'm hurting.
I am not cured. But this is a baby step. And I will take it.
one step at a time
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