Q&A Time!!

So I finally got all of the questions that I figure I'll get and I'm going to take some time to answer them. Thanks to everyone who sent me questions...some of them really made me think hard. I'm not putting names on the questions....you know what you've asked!

How do you think your life would be different if you hadn't been raped? Would it be different?
I really had to remove my entire assault from my head for a minute in order to come up with an answer to this question. I think my life would be totally different. My relationships wouldn't be as complex as they are now. If I wanted to be your friend in the past we would just have to get along and have stuff in common and BOOM we'd be instant friends. Now, though, you really have to prove yourself to me.  My relationships with my family have changed...some of it happens to be a good change, some of it is not. If I hadn't been raped I don't think I would take things as personally or be nearly as offended by certain things. If I hadn't been raped I would still be acting like an immature college student instead of like a responsible adult. I matured a lot in the past 2 years. It's funny though, because I think if you knew me before all of this you can vouch for that.  If you are a recent friend you might be thinking "mature!? you act like a 5 year old!" There are times where I do, in fact, still act like a child. It's something I'm still working on and is a type of maturity that will continue to grow with time. I also think that if I hadn't been raped I wouldn't be so needy. My constant need to know I'm doing a good job or to be reassured that people like me gets absolutely tiring. So I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that yes, my life would be totally different if I hadn't been assaulted. Some things would be for better some would be for worse.

LOVE YOUR TATTOO!!!!! Do you plan on getting another one?
Ah thank you!! I love my tattoo too. I think I have found my next one, I want it on my shoulder blade area. It's the words "Let your past make you better, not bitter" in the shape of a heart. It's really cute and the words really speak to what I believe about what I've been through. You all know I constantly say that I was meant to do something with what I've been given, and I truly think that what I was supposed to do starts with bettering myself.

 As a survivor myself I know that there are certain smells and things that trigger me. Do you have any in particular that still bother you to this day that you just can't seem to shake?
Oh my stars yes. The one that I cannot get over is the smell of Papa Johns pepperoni pizza. The smell of it makes me absolutely sick. I can eat it, but I literally have to hold my breath so I don't smell it. Isn't that just absolutely ridiculous?

Two year anniversary day is coming up (please don't be mad I called it an anniversary since anniversaries are usually happy and this isn't a happy siutation) are you nervous about it? Do you feel like you'll go through it ok?
Oh gosh I am not mad at you at all! I refer to it as an anniversary too, because what else do you call it? That day 2 years ago that I was raped by an idiot in an apartment? Naw...we'll just call it a two year anniversary!  I actually am not dreading it this year. I plan on celebrating it this year. It's my Survivor Day....the day I proved to myself that I could survive in even the nastiest of circumstances and I think that that's worth celebrating, don't you? Heck I might even make myself some cupcakes. I also want to take balloons and tie slips of paper on one color with things that have made me upset the past two years on them, and write dreams and goals and tie them to a different group of colored balloons and release them. That was something that was suggested to me at the hospital last year that I've been wanting to do.

Tell me where'd you get that body from?
I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA.. (Brownie points if you know what song this is from).
But seriously why was this a question?

In the future what milestones or things do you think you'll hit that will be the hardest for you?
I'm about to get really personal. I had to think about this for a long time and have come to the conclusion that I will probably have some issues when the following happen:
1. When I start dating/get a boyfriend.

2. The first time I have sex that is consensual.

3. When I get married.

4. When I have kids.

I feel like all of these things have the potential to have triggering effects on me. Trying to trust men again is what a lot of this comes down to.  I know there are good guys out there, I just have major trust issues and it's going to take a lot for me to overcome them.  A big thing for me is number 2. My 7th grade science teacher when teaching us about the reproductive system used to start off every class by saying, "SEX. Is a beautiful thing." We all used to giggle and turn beat red because oh my gosh our teacher just said sex. But I was thinking about those lessons the other day and the things she used to say, and I really wish I could honestly view it as something 'beautiful'.  Instead my brain recognizes sex as a weapon that was used against me to take away control of my body and to break my spirit. It's going to take so much to get beyond that. One day I know I'll be able to get past that or at least control it....but I do fear the day when I have to try to overcome that.

In your opinion what is the toughest thing about your PTSD to deal with?
My OCD. I have this incredible need to have everything perfect, to constantly be validated (to the point where it is, in fact, obsessive). When people find out I have OCD they expect me to do things like wash my hands obsessively or something physical like that. You cannot generalize OCD to a mental illness dealing with germs. A lot of people with OCD do have that problem, but there are other pieces of obsessive compulsive disorder. I would do things like check my locks 10 times exactly before I went to bed, I would look out my windows to make sure no one was hiding on my balcony. But more than the physical is the mental. The thoughts I have, the things I need to hear. It's difficult because you cannot force people to say what you so need to hear, and I would never want to. That whole part of my PTSD is slowly getting under control, but it is definitely the most difficult to deal with.

How do you feel about people who make rape jokes?
I don't mind when people make jokes about rape culture....because typically those jokes are used to point out how ridiculous our society is. When people make jokes about the action of rape itself, though, I write them off as complete trash and lose any respect I may have had for them. I was looking through my facebook the other day and a girl my sister and I used to be friends with had left a message on one of my notes about 2 years ago. It was a letter thing with blank spaces they were supposed to fill in. One of the lines was "I want to_______you." Most of my friends said things like visit, hug, love.  This girl's word she chose to insert? "Rape". Yep. It said "I want to rape you." I hadn't been raped yet but even then I didn't find it funny. Rape is not a joke. And the longer we treat it as one the longer it will take for victims to be treated humanely and respectfully. We need to stomp out these jokes to try and stop revictimizing.

How do you feel when you see things in the news where rape victims haven't been able to bounce back as you have or have given up and taken their lives?
I think it's devastating. I see these women and I think about how I have been in their shoes and have felt the way they have. The most recent one that comes to mind is Rehteah Parsons. Her story breaks my heart, but sends an important message. We need to start standing up for survivors. We need to teach that rape is wrong, bullying is wrong, and bullying about a rape is so incredibly wrong. That beautiful girl should never have been treated the way she was.

So a couple posts ago you were freaking out about dating...still feel that way?
I had a heart to heart with Whitney after that one was written.  I've come to the conclusion that I need to suck it up and at least try. I'm willing to at least try. So if you're not an old creepy dude, and don't mind taking a girl with some baggage on a date then I'm down. Also men with cat scrapbooks and who like to touch people's faces a lot need not apply ;)

How was your faith affected?
I was never a deeply religious person. When I was a kid I went to religion class, made my communion and confirmation and all that jazz but only went to church when something like that was happening, or someone was getting married, or someone died. I believed in God, but attending church wasn't a major part of my life. After I was raped I wasn't even sure there was a God anymore. If there was, why would he let someone hurt me the way they did? I was extremely hesitant when it came to facing my battle with faith head on. I have finally gotten to a point where I know that I believe in God, I pray constantly (just not out loud....that's a personal thing and something I kind of had a fear of forever. He can hear me though so I don't worry about pleasing other people by praying outloud) and I don't necessarily go to church (I work at a church nearly every Sunday. If the radio in the room is working that day I can listen to the sermon on AM radio) but going to church doesn't define my faith...my relationship with God does. Boo-yah.

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Thanks for all of the questions! Hopefully a little later this week I will be able to post again but with some exciting news.  I don't want to post anything prematurely in case some things fall through so you'll just have to wait :) Also please, please donate to my RAINN page. My campaign only has 15 days left and I am nowhere near my goal. Thank you to the 2 very generous donors who have already made contributions! Love you all :)

 http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell