#FraudLife

I am a wonderful, loving teacher, an excellent daughter, a God fearing Christian, a compassionate friend...and a fraud. 

Yes, a fraud. 

You may be asking yourself, how in the world is Kayleigh a fraud? Is she a liar? Isn't she a teacher, daughter, Christian, and friend?

Well, dear friend, slide over a little closer and allow me to let you in on a little secret. 

I discovered recently that none of those adjectives describe me, and I feel like I have fooled you all. 

When I receive compliments, I cringe. I do not know how to graciously experience and accept kind words directed towards myself. Not that I don't LIKE hearing good things about myself, I just don't know how to digest them. My ears get hot, my cheeks turn a rosier red than normal, I get a small smile on my face and can just about manage to squeak out a tiny "thank you". 

A wonderful, loving teacher... is how I would describe someone who emulated Mother Teresa in the teaching profession. I am not Mother Teresa. Some days I get so frustrated that I want to walk straight out of the door and never come back. Some days I want to throw my hands in the air and say I give up. When little Johnny pokes his neighbor in the eye with his pencil for the third time in a week, I want to quit. When little Billy throws a fit and yells and cries, I want to climb under my desk and yell and cry, too. I make mistakes on a daily basis. My profession is messy, and I try to put on a good front that I have it all together. But guess what? I am far from having it together. There are days I look at my lesson plans and think "what in the world does this even mean?". There are moments where I think about how increasingly pleasant my life would be if I married a rich man and ran away to someplace tropical. I get stressed, and irritated, and discouraged. And then I look into the sweet little faces in my classroom and remember why I'm there. If I were gone, would another teacher bother to take a breath and calmly tell Johnny to put the pencil down or lose it for the tenth time in a day? Would someone else go and hug little Billy and tell him she understands he's upset and that it's going to be ok? I have to remember that I am doing this job for a reason. I have a purpose. It is frustrating. I may never see the positive outcomes of my work, but I have to trust that they'll be there someday. I, however, am not wonderful and loving. I am a hot mess. I'm trying to survive most days. I mess up and I lose my patience and I want to give up. I love my kids. But some days it feels like I am going bonkers. Some days it seems more appealing to give in and give up than to keep up the fight. 

An excellent daughter...is someone who does everything right. Someone who appreciates their parents. Who can forgive the little things, and love unconditionally. None of those things describe how I am. I am ungrateful. I am a terrible daughter. One day about 2 months ago, I had someone tell me "Your parents are so blessed to have a daughter like you." When I heard those words, I wanted to die. I wasn't speaking to my mom, my dad was driving me crazy, and I was walking around like nothing was happening at all. I roll my eyes, I don't say thank you. I don't easily forgive the little OR the big things. I hold on to all the wrong memories, and don't treasure the right ones. I'm quick to point out their flaws as parents before I ever even think to stop and bring up the million things they've done right. I just cry and moan about the ten they've done wrong. I have you all fooled on this one. I am not an excellent daughter, I'm a horrible daughter. 

A God fearing Christian...describes about 90% of the people I have surrounded myself with. These are people who when the Lord calls them, they answer. When He asks them to do something tough for Him, they are obedient. When things go awry, they pray, they trust, they continue on strong. 

I am not one of these people. 

Sometimes I try to make God wait. When He pushes me to do something difficult I drag my feet, I whine, I complain. I tell everyone how hard it is. I don't always trust. I don't always pray. And rarely do I continue on strong. I'm not always confident that He will pull me through...instead I'm scared. I'm afraid to take a leap of faith, even a tiny one. I'm afraid that when I doubt Him, that it will somehow count against me in my life. I fight with Him. I am not always obedient. 

When I think of a model Christian I do not think of me. I think of someone who has immense amounts of compassion for other people. Someone who jumps at the chance to serve the Lord. People who have memorized mass amounts of scripture and can recite the perfect verse when opportunity arises (you people drive me a little crazy sometimes, to be honest...you're all like "well 1 Corinthians... says..." and I'm all like "I can recite Green Eggs and Ham.") They seem to have it together. I, on the other hand, feel like a fish out of water sometimes (most times). Life is messy. My life is messy. I don't understand why things happen or why God allows them to happen. I constantly question why He chooses me to do things. Sometimes I'm too tired to pray, I think "I'll talk to God later". Too often Jesus gets gently nudged to the side. I worry about what people will think about this life I've chosen. I worry, period. I'm afraid to ask questions, because I want people to think I've got it together. I'm afraid to admit weakness in my faith. Especially in this aspect of my life, I just feel like a fraud plain and simple. A faux Christian. I don't feel like I'm doing a good enough 'job'. And I hate it. And I do everything in my power to keep that from 87% of the people I surround myself with. 

A compassionate friend...is not me. I'm a friend. I'm a funny friend. I can be compassionate sometimes. But other times I want to look at my beautiful, wonderful friends and tell them to shut it. I want to tell them to get over it. That things cannot possibly be that bad or difficult. I don't always take the time to put myself in their shoes. I don't always make it a point to actively listen, and ask questions and give advice. I realized that this was the case when I recently had dinner with Lauren...and only looked at my phone one time the entire 2 hours we were together. I actually did listen, and did ask questions, and realized that I had been missing out on a lot of things my friend had tried to tell me in the past. I missed out on truly being immersed in a great story. I missed out on the little details that could have helped me to give better advice on past troubles. I was not present. I was not always understanding. I was not always sympathetic. Sometimes I'm more interested in expressing my issues than listening to someone else's and that's simply not fair. I am a friend, but I'm not often a very good one. 

I think what I need here is help. I want to be all of these things so I don't feel like I need to deceive you all anymore. Some of these things I know what to do, but others I don't. I don't know how to be more faithful. I don't know how to be more present. I don't know how to remain calm and patient and not want to quit. But I want to learn. So tell me, friends, what advice can you give this fraud?

A Symbol of Hope

I am sure I have told this story before on this blog (probably last Christmas), but I think that it's good enough to share again. There is a four letter word that is powerful, and means a lot to me. It's a word that has many meanings to many people. It's a word that carries the dreams and anxieties of many.

That word is hope. 

Hope is something I believed 3 years ago I did not possess. I was hopeless, helpless, and in all seriousness I was constantly on the verge of death. I felt alone, even when surrounded by masses of people. Do you know how bizarre it feels to feel so alone in a crowd? It is the strangest thing, and not a type of feeling I was getting used to. It happened all of the time, but never ceased to make me feel uncomfortable. 

I was going through the motions at that time. It had been about 7 months since I had been raped, but I was hitting a point where the seriousness of the situation finally had begun to hit. It was my senior year of college and I was a fireball of stress. I was having panic attacks on a consistent basis, and I felt like my world was crashing down around me. College is hard enough. Relationships are hard enough. Throw in a sexual assault and stir in some PTSD and what you have just created is a disaster. I didn't know what to do with myself. Two failed suicide attempts later (one may not count to many as an attempt, but it counts to me) and I was a hot mess.

No one needed me. If I was gone no one would miss me. I was convinced I would flunk out of school even though my supervisor was doing everything in her power to pull me through. My roommates were starting to slink back into the shadows of their own lives. Friends I once had, had chosen his side and decided that I was not worthy of their friendship. I was alone, I was sad, and I was afraid. I constantly feared for my life but was often met with the words of those who were trying to encourage, but only made it worse. 

"You have nothing to be afraid of...", they said.

"It's been 6 months.", they retorted. 

"You're safe. You're going to be ok."

As far as I was concerned, as long as he was free I was not safe. As long as he walked this earth I would never be safe. Even to this day I am fearful. I am not in a constant state of fear, but there are still those moments where I want to lock myself in my home and never leave. If I lock myself in, he'll never get to me. 

I was not going home for Christmas this year as I had to work the holiday in order to pay some of my bills. I felt so alone it hurt. 

One night I decided to just drive around town and maybe look at some Christmas lights. I drove to Cookout and ordered an Eggnog milkshake (delicious!). I started driving in no particular direction and soaked in the different neighborhood Christmas displays. Some 30 minutes later I drove, by chance, through the Sunset Hills neighborhood and that's when something changed in me. 

I saw the most beautiful Christmas lights I have ever seen in my life. 

If you have never driven through that neighborhood let me explain this to you. They wrap twinkle lights around chicken wire to form balls. They then string them throughout the trees. These lights hang down and encase the neighborhood in beautiful, twinkling, colorful lights. 

Those lights were literally my light in the midst of darkness. I was filled with so much joy as my car crept through the quiet street. They opened something within my heart and filled me with so much peace. I deserved to live. I was needed. I just simply had to be reminded of the beauty of the world. I watched couples slowly making their way down the sidewalk soaking in this sight as much as they could. It was incredible. 

Every night until January, I drove down those streets with an eggnog milkshake in hand. I would blast Christmas music (mostly Glee...I was obsessed at the time) and I would smile. 

Those lights were my symbol of hope.

Tonight I took a trip down memory lane. I grabbed an eggnog milkshake from Cookout (keeping the tradition alive) and drove through Sunset Hills admiring my small, but mighty, symbols of hope. 

I now place my hope in a power higher than some strings of Christmas lights. Those lights didn't completely fix me, but they helped me to hang on a little longer. I know now that coming across this neighborhood and these lights was no accident. I didn't believe in God at the time, but looking back I know His hand was in that moment. I truly believe He orchestrated my trip so that I could have more time to make a difference and leave my mark on this world. 

Tonight I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for the people who have walked in and out of my life. I am thankful for my 13 little blessings. I am grateful for the people who have, and continue to mentor me. I am, however, especially thankful for eggnog milkshakes, balls of sparkling Christmas lights, and hope. 

Thankful 2k14

Just a quick post to kick off Thanksgiving. I've found myself being really thankful lately, not just this week and wanted to express it! So without further ado...

1. I am thankful for a job where I can love and teach kids. A job that helps me grow and challenges me to become a better teacher, and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. 

2. I am thankful for supportive coworkers who encourage me and make me laugh on a daily basis. I would not be able to survive without that. 

3. I am thankful for the opportunity to volunteer these past 10 months with some precious kids every Wednesday. I love seeing the joy on their faces when they walk through the door. It has been an amazing experience, being able to teach these kids about Jesus and being a fun place of escape for an hour every week. I am so sad I'll have to stop in January until summer, and know that I'll be ecstatic when I come back. 

4. I am thankful for Lauren and Amy. They're the best friends I could have ever asked for. They call me out on my crap and laugh at most of my jokes (even when they're not funny...). I can count on them to give advice when I need it, and I'm thankful for the times where we can all just kind of sit in comfortable silence. 

5. I am thankful for the mentors I've had throughout the year. Mentors for both my professional life and my spiritual life. These people have taught me the importance of hard work, dedication, passion, and faith. With their help I've been able to trudge through so much. I can see how much I've changed in just a short amount of time, and that is something I will always be grateful for. 

6. I am thankful for my dishwasher. This may sound trivial, but Y'ALL. DON'T. EVEN. KNOW. 

DON'T. EVEN. KNOW. 

I'm also thankful for all of you, who still read my ramblings and don't think I'm crazy. 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Dear Survivor

Earlier this week I saw an article posted on Facebook about a young man who was arrested for raping a 20 year old girl from a different university than the one he attended. Let me go ahead and tell you that some of the comments being made truly upset me. Little things like, "we call a lot of things rape these days. When a guy and a girl participate in heavy foreplay and the girl changes her mind right before they actually have sex and they have sex anyway, that's suddenly rape." Uhm, last time I checked that IS rape. Seriously? I don't care what you were doing...as soon as you say 'no' or 'stop' or if you're too intoxicated to be giving consent, I expect the other party involved to be considerate and respectful and STOP. Aside from all of that I couldn't help but think about that poor girl whose life was suddenly turned upside down. She's the same age I was, went through the same trauma I did, and will undoubtedly deal with some of the same problems afterward that I did. I thought about what I would say to her and what I would tell her about fighting through it and decided to write an open letter. I don't know that that particular girl would ever see it, but if ONE survivor sees it and it helps ONE person, then it could be worth it.

Dear Survivor,
That's what you should think of yourself as now; a survivor.  You aren't a victim, but there are going to be days, weeks, months, and years where you'll feel like it's going to be so much easier to just act like one. You have gone through what is, in my opinion, the worst trauma you could have gone through. It's confusing and a lot of times it won't make sense. You'll wonder why you're so upset when you could be dead. Eventually you're going to realize that you have every right to feel every emotion that floods you. 

There are going to be days where you will want to die. Pulling yourself out of bed is going to be a struggle, you'll think that things would just be easier if you could just stop breathing. You'll dream about taking pills or running a razor through your skin. And then there will be times where everything will stop feeling so overwhelming and you'll question why you ever felt like your life wasn't worth living.

Physical touch might scare you for a while. A sudden brush against your shoulder, a hug, a pat on the back...all of these things have the potential to send you spiraling. And that's ok. Eventually you will work through it. 

You didn't deserve this. None of us did. I speak from experience. We should have had normal lives, we shouldn't be afraid of people, we shouldn't have to struggle through simple every day tasks. Unfortunately that's the hand we've been dealt and here's how we're going to handle it. 

Fight. Promise me you will fight. Don't hurt yourself, don't kill yourself, don't be ok with being stuck in bed all day. Fight back. Don't let him take the joy of living your life fully away from you. Find a good therapist and stick with them until they feel you're ready to exit. If necessary, find a psychiatrist and tell them about any symptoms you're experiencing. Many of us suffer from PTSD, and something I learned that I hadn't known is that PTSD is treatable and cureable according to my own doctor. Speak to people. You don't have to do what I do and blog. You don't have to tell everyone you meet, but I highly suggest telling one person that you trust with everything you have. Having someone to confide in is so helpful especially during the darkest days. Having a support and someone to look out for you is important. 

I know it sucks. It will always suck. It is the worst and I wish you didn't have to join the club. Unfortunately you, like the rest of us, didn't have a choice. Know that I believe you can make it. I believe you can fight hard and that you won't let it define you. Block out the opinions in this world that aren't acting as an encouragement to you. Surround yourself with people who will build you up and make you feel alive. 

Most importantly know that though I may not know any of you survivors who are reading this, that I care about you and encourage you from afar. Know that I pray for each of you every day. And know that you can survive. 

Love,
Someone who has had to go through the same hell you have

Emotions

Emotions are the actual worst.

My emotions tend to really screw things up for me. I feel too much, too intensely, and too often. When I "feel" I feel deeply. Almost too deeply. Every emotion hits me at once and I can't seem to manipulate my reactions to it. People have told me that don't understand why I react to certain situations in certain ways. You guys don't understand. When things happen, I have the most overwhelming feelings washing over me and it's almost as if I have no control over them. Like today, for instance, I had a student tell me he loved me (after he threw a fit). I had been working so hard to get him to a place where he would be respectful and self disciplined. Literally all he said was "I'm sorry. I love you so much." I was so excited that we'd had a teeny weeny breakthrough that I literally broke down into tears. Most people may feel a small burst of pride...not me. The floodgates were opened and I was a mess and no one seemed able to understand it.

When I mess up, I know I've messed up. I beat myself to a pulp over it, I overanalyze everything I said and did. When I'm angry at someone I get so upset that I cry. Not because they've pissed me off that much, but because I suddenly fear that any bit of friendship that was there will magically disappear. When I'm sad I sink into a state of comatose. I am paralyzed by my grief, even if only over the smallest thing. I will find myself in moments of sorrow so intense that I literally cannot move. People move around me in a blur and I can't make out the words they're saying.

It truly pains me to be like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy the overpowering emotions I have that mute any good quality I possess.  It's not a drama queen thing, it's an extremely sensitive human thing.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with as of late is being told by several people that I have no reason to feel the way I do. I've been getting upset lately, and for the first time in a long time I've actually found my voice and approached those issues head on. I don't think that people are used to me addressing them full force when I get upset. Typically I convince myself that I was fully at fault and that there is nothing that needs to be addressed. However I have come to realize that that is a self destructive mindset and does nothing to help me process my emotions. It also eventually catches up with me and causes me to feel a lot of resentment towards the person I feel has wronged me. I blame this completely on the fact that I don't allow myself to process what I'm feeling. I don't deal with it right away and let it eat me alive until one day I finally explode. And when I do explode it's usually met with a "what's her problem?"  That's because the most trivial circumstances are usually what tips the scale.

I am vowing to start dealing with problems as the arise. Even if it seems simple to you and foolish, please don't downplay what I feel. I have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times in the past that a lot of simple and foolish things bring long repressed feelings to the surface and make it nearly unbearable to function until I can confront them.

If you are a true friend, please just be there for me. Please just help me work through it. Don't tell me I'm crazy or have a bad temper or have no reason to be upset. Obviously if I'm upset it's for a reason...but maybe it's just not for whatever caused the reaction. I know I have a bad temper, and I'm working on it. I feel like feeling anger isn't a problem, but letting it control us and determine our actions is.

Be a friend. Help me process. Let me hug you. Most importantly, pray for me. This emotion stuff is causing me to go through a lot of other things within a lot of friendships and I feel like it's all hit me at once. It's overwhelming and difficult to deal with in a lump like this. I'm trying to be a better person for these people, at the same time acknowledging my feelings, and also trying to make people happy at the same time. Navigating this period of my life is really hard and the struggle is real. Feeling so much is almost too much to bear.

Emotions are a funny thing. Without them we would be nothing, but sometimes they can be too much.

Circle Round There Is No End...That's How Long I Want to Be Your Friend

Before I even get into the meat of this blog I just have to tell the best story ever. So back in my UNCG days I was friends with this girl Cassy. Cassy hated me at first...like really hated me. I guess I can see now why she did. We worked together and I was in a leadership position and had to enforce a lot of stuff. I also think that at age 19 I wasn't quite ready to handle all of that responsibility and didn't do the greatest job leading. I was like a bubbly, annoying dictator. Anyway one night we had to sit our team down for a pow wow when one of the girls just verbally let me have it. Everyone stared in shock and I fought back tears as we continued our meeting. At the end of this meeting Cassy came up and gave me a hug and we quickly became good friends. Such good friends that she was the first person I called when I was raped, the person who came right to my apartment and drove me to the hospital. Unfortunately, as time went on I was terrible at keeping up with people. As of last Sunday I had not seen her in 3 years or talked to her in at least 2. Suddenly at church I look to the other side of the room and see her. My jaw dropped and I quickly texted her to inform her she had been spotted. I went and said hey after the service but didn't really speak with her much. I was so excited that I had seen her that I decided to reach out to her that night to see if we could get together and catch up. So we had dinner Friday and it was so great it's like our friendship was renewed! And we're both still a couple of weirdos. We were talking about my church and I am about to quote her on the best thing she said all night. She said, "I mean I like it, I just kind of get uncomfortable when everybody sings because I don't know the words....also I don't like karaoke." I laughed so hard I cried and people stared. I couldn't help it! I'd never heard anyone refer to worship as karaoke! #dead
Anyway I promised her she'd make it into my newest blog, and I am just so happy we're friends agaaaaain!!!!

That was a good segway into my post because I'm going to talk about relationships. Friends, family, significant others...I'm sure they could all fit under what I'm about to say.

Relationships are hard.

Yup. I said it. They are difficult. Keeping up a friendship is HARD. Keeping up with family is HARD. And I'm sure keeping up with a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is HARD but I have no experience with that so I won't discuss it. Instead I want to focus on friendships. Because they're difficult. And people don't seem to like to admit that.

I love my friends. I love having friends. I love becoming friends with new people. But I am a selfish friend. I like being assured that my friends are truly my friends and care about me. I like knowing that I can call someone about my problems, or about the weird encounter at the Verizon store, or about how I just know so and so is out to get me, or about the weird thing on my face that's like a weird cross between a bug bite and a zit....you get the point. I like hanging out with my friends and trying to talk to ALL of them on a daily basis. But I get sick of being the one always reaching out. And that is where I have run into some trouble.

I expect everyone to be like me. I expect everyone to show love the same way I do. If I hug you and you don't hug me back with the same amount of enthusiasm, I feel hurt. If I text you and you never respond, I feel forgotten. If I come to you with what I think is a problem and you brush it off or don't react the way I want you to, I feel like you're judging me. Not everyone is like me. Trust me I am by no means perfect....I have extremely rough edges. But unfortunately for me I didn't realize that until recently. What did I realize?

I am not a very good friend.

I talk, but I don't listen. I care, but not enough. I love, but not in all the right ways. I try to make plans, but it's because I feel lonely and need company, not because I know you had a rough day and could use some coffee.

I am selfish. I get hurt too easily. I don't express my feelings well verbally. 

That last one is a huge problem for me. I can tell you how I feel very well when writing my thoughts out. But if you expect me to tell you in person, forget it. I avoid eye contact and get extremely uncomfortable. I get embarrassed that I felt any way at all. You know what I realized? It's because I know that I could have done better, and I'm afraid of losing people.

I've realized the true value of friendships the past few weeks, right when I feared that I was about to lose 2 very important ones to me. I've learned it's not always about me, 24/7. Sometimes people we care about have things going on too, and they deserve to be heard. I've learned that sometimes I guess I can tend to love too hard. Sometimes I expect too much from people. Sometimes I don't explain how I feel very well, and important things get lost in the confusion.

I have made some resolutions for my friendships since about a week ago. I am now trying harder to show an interest in my friends' lives. It's not that I wasn't interested before...I would just get sidetracked by the things that were happening in my own life. I am going to force myself to be verbal. I am going to try really hard to actually speak to people about everything I need/want to talk to them about. When I have questions I will ask them...in person not always via text and email. And I won't be embarrassed by it. And I won't allow anyone or anything to make me feel stupid for asking them. (Ok maybe I will be a little bit, but I'm going to try to at least mask it.) I will tell people if I'm feeling hurt and own my feelings. Because if I can't do that, what's the point of bringing them up in the first place? I will be a better listener. I will try to stop taking things so personally.  I'm going to try really hard to stop being so selfish.

Friendships are important. At this point they are vital to my survival on earth...that's a fact I have to accept. I am a very relational person. I need people. Other people bring me joy and energy and that's something I love. I just have to be better at being there for other people.

What kind of friend will you be this week?

Real Talk: Depression

My original thought was that I'd write a happy post this week about how wonderfully my new job is going, but this is much more important. As most of you have already read, Robin Williams was found dead this afternoon from an apparent suicide. Now I am not normally one to get overly upset about celebrity deaths, but this one truly cut me to the core. Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin, Flubber, Hook....these were all childhood staples. That man has had me laughing and dreaming since I was a little bitty thing, and after hearing this news I felt like I really needed to readdress depression on this blog. Depression is an illness that will never disappear from this earth, and we need to become more aware of it. 

Unless you're brand new to this blog, you know that I have struggled with severe depression for the last 3 years, which was one of the after effects of the rape I was a victim of in college. Some of you also may or may not know that I struggled with mild depression during my freshman year of college. I remember so many times that I have confided in people where they expressed disbelief because "you're so happy all of the time!" and "you have nothing to be depressed about." It is so important to understand that we do not choose depression. Depression finds us and envelopes it with it's dark, icy embrace. 

Depression is a chemical imbalance. It can also be caused by stressful events, medication, faulty mood regulation, and genetics. Depression is not as simple as sadness. We cannot take one emotion and slap it onto the word depression, thinking that it explains everything. The dictionary definition of depression in the psychiatric sense:

 a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason. (dictionary.com)

You aren't just sad. You have no sense of purpose, no sense of self worth. You go through long stretches of time where it's easier to remain hidden in your home, than face the world. Just because someone seems to be outwardly happy, doesn't mean they aren't battling internal demons. 

I always pictured my depression as a black speck. Most of the time that speck stays hidden way in the back of my noggin. I rarely think about it. But then, something will trigger that speck and it starts to expand. Imagine like an oil spill in the sea....it starts to seep into every crevice of my brain. It takes over and negates every positive thought, every urge to succeed. It whispers to me that I would be better off alone. That no one cares. That I am worth nothing. That I am a burden. That I am useless. Unwanted. And my brain doesn't have the proper equipment to fight it off. 

My brain also cannot produce effective ways to cry out for help, because it feels like it (I) doesn't deserve help. Inside I know I desperately want someone to reach out, offer a word of encouragement, help me fix my brain. I just don't know how. And I truly believe that that is the point where many people give up and decide they cannot take it anymore. Life is too hard, it isn't worth the fight, and even if it was worth it they wouldn't know how to fight anyway. Oh, how many times I've felt this! My story, however, is different. I am blessed beyond measure. I have been surrounded by people who are extremely intuitive, who know me and care about me more than I could ever fathom. They've seen the red flags, and instead of letting it go, they jumped onto the problem and did what they could to help. Medications and therapy are what have always gotten me through. 

I am not saying there is always a way to "fix" it. Sometimes medicine doesn't work. Sometimes therapy makes it worse by bringing a lot of muck to the surface. I do think, though, that if we all made ourselves more aware of the warning signs we could make a difference. I think if we approached the topic of depression and mental illness in general, in a more meaningful way, that we could bring about a lot of change.

People who commit suicide are not selfish. Often they belief in their heart of hearts that they are doing what is best for their loved ones, that they are relieving a burden. Yes, death often hurts those around us more than anything we could do in our lives, but when you are struggling with severe depression you don't have the resources to realize that. I remember hearing of a suicide back in December and was ashamed to know the people who claimed this individual was heartless and selfish and that they were disgusted. They weren't selfish and heartless. They were sick. A disease of the brain should not be treated any differently than a disease of the heart.

Stop treating mental illness like it isn't valid. Keep an eye out for the warning signs. The happiest people have often times suffered the most. 

Love eachother. Understand eachother. 

Most importantly, let us not allow our misconceptions to prevent us from enhancing and possibly saving a life. 

Tragedy can so many times be prevented. 

Step up.

Patience

Patience. I hate that word. Patience is something I've never really possessed. I mean, I can be patient with my students, and some other people. But the problem is, when I want something to happen in my life or I'm trying to make a change....I have no patience whatsoever. So it's no surprise that in May when my therapist told me I no longer needed to see her, I assumed that meant I was cured and I wouldn't have any problems ever again.

Yes I know now that that was stupid. A girl can dream, right?

This dream began when my psychiatrist made a comment that PTSD is completely curable. And so I thought "sweet I'm cured!".  I've found, though, that the memories and the feelings of anxiety, depression, and anger don't really totally disappear. 

I was raped 3 years ago and the past 3 years have been a roller coaster ride! I desperately wanted to be ok. I am ok. But I set unrealistic expectations for myself regarding my recovery and the rest of my life. Those expectations set me up for disaster. I became so frustrated with myself when little things I used to do constantly happened once in a while. I didn't even recognize what a blessing it was that these things were no longer happening every day! I was frustrated when I continuously contacted a friend who I knew was working and busy and panicked when I didn't get a response right away (this was a few weeks ago). I worried that I was becoming a burden and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again because I couldn't get myself together. I beat myself up over it. I never thought about how she had stood by me for the past year and a half, how she took my problems and helped me to face them head on, how she literally did whatever she could to make sure I felt safe and has always given the best advice for processing my feelings. I didn't take the time to remember these things and how she'd been with me through the worst, and a small bump in the road wasn't going to make her disappear. 

That same week one of my good guy friends gave me a hug. It was a sneak hug, I didn't see him coming and that normally (well for the past year at least) wouldn't bother me. I knew it was him, I knew he meant no harm. Yet I bristled. As soon as I felt myself tense up, I was screaming at myself internally. He could tell right away it had made me uncomfortable and apologized over and over and over again. I was frustrated that stupid things like hugs still made me panic. I didn't bother to remember that I'd gone months without reacting that way, and that this was a minor hiccup and not a major setback.  For the record, the next time I saw this friend I gave him the biggest bear hug and apologized for how I reacted. I know he's a good guy, and he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. I think that's why I was so upset with myself. 

These are all things I have to look past. I have overcome a lot of things since 2011, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have a perfect life.  There will be days where I struggle, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I've slipped backwards entirely. I went through a traumatic experience, and some of the effects of that experience will stick with me. I'm not always going to be prepared for when I have minor setbacks, but I vow to try and remind myself of how much I've conquered when they happen. It's amazing that a year ago I was struggling daily, and that I can honestly say today that I rarely ever think about what I've been through. It's not something that constantly pops in my head or replays in my sleep. I am so grateful for the people who have walked along side me, especially for those times when I was convinced I would never get better. They told me I could, and would get better...and I did! But that journey took patience. Patience. That stupid word again. I need to be patient. I need to understand that healing takes time. 

I hope that we all can find the opportunity to be patient with whatever trials we are facing in our lives. I hope you can all continue to be patient with me. Be patient with each other. Be patient in your circumstances. Patience is a tough word, but I think if we can all learn to embrace it, we might find more peace in our lives. 

The Beetle

I just love nights where I can sit outside on my balcony and have some quiet time to read or journal or think. Tonight was a good night to do just that....yes it was warm and muggy, but it was also quiet and peaceful. I was overjoyed to slow down for the first time today and crack open my bible for a few minutes. That's when it happened.

There I was reading a verse from Revelation for an online bible study I'm doing, when I was jolted out of my peaceful time. There it was, right by my bare foot. A beetle. You know the ones I'm talking about, those oval shaped black ones that stick to walls and fly and strike terror into the hearts of all living creatures. Here I am reading about the end of days, when suddenly I'm faced with a creature who is sure to be the end of MY days.

I didn't want that monster sticking in my long, beautiful, silky, wavy, majestic hair. I also didn't want it touching my foot and potentially making its way up my leg and towards my mediocre face. If there were ever a time for me to exclaim "I'm too pretty for this!" it was in that moment. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just sit idly by while this bug plotted my demise. I had to devise a plan.

Girl vs. Bug
I slowly took my foot off of the rail of my balcony and tiptoed towards the door, keeping my eye on my foe the entire way there should he decide to follow me and shank me with his little beetle-y legs. I quickly ran inside and slammed the door shut and tried to think of some humane ways to get rid of this thing. Unfortunately I was going to have to kill it. I had no choice. My neighbor lets her dog poop on her balcony and doesn't clean it up, it's a beetle's dream. I grab a steak knife which is the closest thing to me at the time and head back outside. I would like you to envision the battle that followed. I went after it, the jerk beetle came at me like a spider monkey....but with wings....and smaller....and scarier. I was waving a knife in the air like a homicidal maniac and my neighbors were looking at me funny trying to figure out what was going on. You don't just bring out a knife in the hood for no reason. I managed to scream out the word "beetle" which brought laughter. This was not funny. My life was on the line. Eventually I chopped that beetle in half and left him on the railing as a warning to his little buggy friends.

I realize now how ridiculous this story sounds, but isn't it funny that we react like this to circumstances too? Think about it.

We can let the tiniest of events control how we react and what we do. A tiny beetle dictated how I spent my night. Something so tiny and insignificant made me uncomfortable and scared me enough to abandon what I was doing that made me happy. How many events in my life have I let dictate how I live? A lot. Think about how much time we have on this earth. Every trial we have, every obstacle we face....they seem like a big deal when we think about them. But in the grand scheme of things, they are just little blips. We attack those circumstances, fears, and trials with metaphorical knives the way I attacked that bitty insignificant bug with a real one. When you stop and think about the big picture, what's the point?

That beetle wasn't doing anything. He was straight up chillin' like all good bugs do. Our obstacles come and go and we sometimes do whatever we can to hang onto them and beat them to death. We shouldn't let them have that much of a grip on us. We become so consumed by what could happen, that we don't recognize what is happening. When we obsess about the what ifs, and the maybes, we lose sight of the good things we have. We miss out on a lot.

It seems so silly to me that I could have this huge 'a-ha' moment because of a bug and my fear of it. But truly, think about it. Think about how many times you've let simple things keep you from pursuing something. I challenge you to face those fears of the little things and next time you focus on the what ifs, turn away and focus on the here and now.

Life: Transformed

Hi, my name is Kayleigh and I have been panic attack free for 3 months.

Do you hear that!? 3 months! Praise the Lord!

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be able to say I had gone any significant period of time without a panic attack. It is incredible.

I have been thinking about last year for the past few days. At this moment last year I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was having multiple panic attacks a day. I was a hot mess. Passing out, getting sick, being driven to urgent care, taking an ambulance to the ER. I cried a lot, I apologized a lot, and I finally convinced myself that I had fallen apart so much that I would never be pieced back together.

In the words of Justin Bieber..."I will never say neveeeeeer".

I made it an entire year, and the way my life has transformed is something I never could have imagined. It is truly amazing. I won't lie and say it was easy...it was difficult. It hurts. You purge a lot, and you learn a lot. Sometimes your emotions are overwhelming, and sometimes you feel nothing at all. It is very easy to want to give up. I wanted to so many times.

However, the end result is so worth it. Look at me! I am in such a good place right now. I don't sweat dumb stuff (ok that's not completely true...I handle it a lot better than I used to) and I look forward to each day. I don't dread my life anymore. I embrace it and I move forward and I try and take advantage of each day. I couldn't have gotten to that point without the help of so many. Even my family, who I kind of deserted there for a while. When I was ready, I came back. And they welcomed me back like I had never left. That is the kind of love I wish everyone could experience in their life. That is the kind of love I hope to shower onto others.

Next week is the 3 year anniversary. I have amazing friends who have offered to talk, stay over, eat food. All so that I can get through that crazy day. You know what? I am very blessed with wonderful friends.

I do not dread next week. Will it be difficult? Maybe. Probably. Will it hurt? I don't know that the pain will be as severe as it's been. I feel like it will be more of a sting. Manageable. Present, but manageable. Much easier than it has been in the past.

And in return of the last year, I am trying to show how grateful I am to each person who played a role in getting me through the past year. The way I choose to deal with my emotions this time around is to show everyone in my life that I love them dearly and that I would never have made it this far had it not been for their love, patience, and hope.

I look forward to an even better year.

Spring Break, Perspective, and April Oh My!

Sometimes it takes an outsider to put things into perspective for us. My family and the friends who have been dragged through this trial since the beginning can tell me the same thing, but it doesn't always sink in like it does when someone who came in partway, or has no clue, says it.

This past week was Spring Break and it was spent visiting my family with Amy and Lauren in tow. Our first day there we were talking with my family when someone brought up a person we know who had told me when I was a senior in high school that if I went away for college I would get raped and murdered. 1) Who even says that? 2) I am not the type of person who listens to that kind of thing and lets it stop her. I had a dream, and I was going to pursue it. When I was telling this story, Amy goes, "well at least you're still alive!" and we all laughed. But after I laughed I really thought about it. Talk about having things put into perspective for you. I am alive! I am accomplishing things I had never dreamed of, I have friends I never expected to have, and I have many life experiences under my belt that, had someone asked if I wanted them I would have said heck to the no. Through those experiences though I have been able to do so much and meet some incredible people. I am not saying that if I could have a redo I would choose to be raped and harrassed and basically shunned by my community of friends, however I am grateful that I went through such a trial. There's a difference. Please do not get those two things confused. Non-consensual sex is bad. It makes a mess and many times ends lives. I have been fortunate enough to have crawled out of the pit of despair that engulfs many of us after an event like that, and have found my voice once again. I don't know that my voice really makes all that much of a difference, if I had it my way my voice would cause sexual assault to completely cease to exist, but I do hope that someone somewhere has heard my words and been able to feel a little less alone. It took my best friend saying "at least you're still alive!" and basically everyone saying "one out of two ain't bad!" and a lot of laughter for me to realize that I better be grateful I'm still alive! I've been given a second chance, and not many of us are. I want to seize that second chance and do something bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what that something is. For now it's blogging about my experiences, giving hugs, trying to be kind when I least feel like it...and maybe someday those small acts will turn into big acts and those big acts will turn into a difference.

A few days after we had this conversation we were watching one of those late night talk shows with my grandma when a guy who looked like my rapist was on screen. I said, "That looks just like______________" and walked out of the room. Keeping in mind my new outlook I only left for about a minute and used that minute to plug in my phone and remind myself not to let him or what he did to me control me. That part of my life is over. I was so proud of myself. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

I also have come to the conclusion that I never want to take my life for granted. If I am close with you prepare yourself to have me tell you I love you without a second thought, to get a hug once in a while, to hear about how grateful I am for your friendship and for me to try to be better at being a friend. If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't want there to be any question about how much I love and appreciate the people in my life. I want people to be able to know in their heart that I was so grateful for their presence in my life. You've all been put in my path for different reasons, and I will always be thankful...especially for those who have gone through the craziest parts of life with me.

One last thing...April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Last year I urged everyone to donate to RAINN which is a wonderful organization who has helped countless rape survivors, including myself. This year I am asking you all for something a little different. In honor of all of those who have gone through sexual assault, whether they have survived or not, I want you to seize the day. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone. Let someone know that no matter what they go through, you will be there for them. Hug someone. Tell someone you love them. Listen with an open heart, love with no restrictions. Raise awareness for any cause (but this month especially sexual assault awareness). I still urge you to donate to RAINN, but I feel like we can all truly make even more of a difference if we just start treating people with kindness.

Also please enjoy this picture of me holding a ferocious chick, facing my fears...seizing the day....internally freaking out and looking darned cute doing it.

First Date

I have gone back and forth on posting this a little bit, in order to protect the other party involved. Forget it, there's a slim chance he'll even ever see this and this story is just too good not to share with the world.

So I started talking to this guy for a few weeks and he seemed perf. We liked a ton of the same stuff, he was also a teacher, we were the same age, and he thought I was cute...which I am...it seemed promising. Which is why I didn't hesitate for even a second when he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. My reaction in my head was pretty much this, "OH EM GEEEEEEE OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". My actual response was "oh yeah, sure, that would be fun." I know I know, I am so good at playing it cool. I should get an award. Anyway the date was set for a week later and I was pretty calm, until the day of. See I already had my outfit picked out and everything and then Lauren kind of swept in and was all like "are you really gonna wear blue jeans? What if he doesn't wear blue jeans, then you'll feel stupid. What are you gonna order?" Cue me lying in a ball on the floor of her classroom agonizing over the choices I suddenly had. There was also a lot of me shouting "I'M JUST GONNA CANCEL." I had finally pumped myself back up when everything started to crumble apart. I had had a plan to go home, relax, shower, do my hair....whatever. And then I ended up at work way, way later than anticipated. Then I panicked.

Eventually I made it home with enough time to plug in a hair straightener, change my clothes, and spruce up my makeup. Off I went, looking really stinking cute, to my date. Just so you have a good picture in your head of how serious I was about this let me describe my look of the night. Black long sleeve scoopneck, skinny blue jeans, black glitter flats, light pink infinity scarf, straightened hair pinned back away from my face on both sides.  This date was a big deal. Why? Because it was the first one I had actually gone on in over two years. Yep, you read that correctly, over 2 years.  I passed the restaurant three times before I actually saw where it was and was 4 minutes late. Suddenly I got a text that said "I'm inside sitting in a back booth."
I told him I was coming and was in there within 30 seconds.

So he stands up and goes "oh uhm wow, you weren't kidding you were really coming." No, I am a known liar, I was going to sit in the parking lot and watch, laughing, as you left crying. Puh-leeze. I sit down, and it's really awkward at first, but then we both start talking and it's fine for like 5 minutes until he starts cutting me off and talking over me. Rude. I swear to you this boy talks more than I do. Anyway, he asked if I wanted to split a pizza and I said that sounded good and we started looking at the list of toppings to see what we wanted. Well the waitress walks up and suddenly he's ordering the pizza with toppings we had never agreed on that I don't even like and then points at me and goes "and she'll have a salad on the side" uhm excuse me? The hell I will. I looked at her and said "no I won't" and she scratched it off the pad and walked away with a smirk on her face. He said "I just figured you would want a salad", to which I responded "you thought wrong." Do I look like the type of person who just automatically wants a salad at every meal? I know I've lost some weight and maybe you're reading this thinking "but Kayleigh loves salad!" I do love salad....but don't order me a salad! I honestly probably would have ordered a side salad, but I could not let that slide solely on principle.

I have to sit there listening to him blubber on about how he's such a wonderful teacher and about how every one of his students have told him they wish they could have him for every class (I would most likely throw myself out of a window if I had to listen to him ramble all day just sayin'). Our pizza comes and I stuff my face, not caring that he's watching me eat cause I already know this is not going past this night, and he asks "isn't this the best pizza you've ever had!?" I said, "no.", as I was stuffing the 4th slice in my mouth. I mean it really wasn't very good, and you may be wondering "so why did you eat 4 pieces?" The answer my dear friends, is I actually ate 5 pieces. And he wasn't letting me speak anyway and I had nothing else to do but eat this mediocre pizza. Eventually I fake a yawn and talk about how I really should be getting home since I've had such a long day. He pays the bill (besides getting a great story out of this outing, I also got a free meal, woop woop!) and then we head out. I was hoping he'd just walk to his car, but he decided to walk me to mine first. We get to my car and stop at the trunk and he looks in the back window and sees my UNCG umbrella. The following conversation commenced:

Guy: Is that an umbrella?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Oh. You keep it in your car?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Do you ever use it?
Me: Uhm, yeah. When it rains.
Guy: Oh. Weird.

Then he starts moving towards me and I get scared. He is very close and I kept thinking "oh my gosh your mouth better not end up anywhere near mine dear Lord have mercy on my soul." All I could think of was I should have eaten more garlic, I should have faked an illness. I wished I could puke on command. He was the last person on earth whose tongue I wanted down my throat. I wasn't too keen on the awkward half hug I had gotten on a date before either, so really I was just praying he would get away from me. I wasn't afraid of him. He was a harmless dork. I just didn't want him to think this had gone well and I didn't feel like having to go scrub my lips with bleach.

He shocked me instead.

Homeboy gave me a pat on the back and said "I'll be in touch". Y'all I almost didn't make it into my car fast enough to avoid laughing in his face. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks and then drove the wrong way down a one way street into oncoming traffic. Poor Little Blue is such a champ I had to throw her in reverse and back up all the way back down the street all while laughing like a maniac. Then I got ahold of my sister and laughed even harder relaying the story.

I have had worse dates...there was the guy with the cat scrapbook, the guy who kept touching my face and the one who smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in my face and then made fun of my cardigan. In a sad little way this was probably the best date I have ever been on. I'm pretty proud of myself for actually going, not gonna lie. Just showing up took a lot of courage.  So he wasn't Prince Charming, oh well. I proved to myself that I could handle it, and I'm glad I went.

However, men of America, take note. If you ever take me on a date don't you dare order me a salad.
Seriously, don't do it.
How about just don't order for me in general. Unless it's onion rings. Or bacon cheese fries. And if those two things were to show up in my face you would have to pardon the fact that I will inhale them and probably forget to offer to share.

Man, oh man dating is fun. Being a crazy cat lady sounds pretty good ;)

I Miss Her.

I miss 12 year old me so much.

How innocent and naive she was. How she thought that nothing was impossible. Depression was just a word, not a daily horror. I miss her carefree laugh, her desire to take on the world. The things that she worried about that just didn’t matter.

I miss her feeling of invincibility. She never knew what would happen to us. She had no clue, and she was able to breeze through her life happy and healthy up until the worst day of her life. 

She didn’t have to fake happiness some days. 

She didn’t have to see herself raped over and over again every time she closed her eyes. 

She didn’t have to worry every time she went on a date whether or not she needed to have pepper spray on hand. 

She told the truth, she never lied. She was honest almost to a fault, but you could tell when she wasn’t ok. Her life wasn’t perfect, but it sure as hell was a lot better than this. 

Depression sucks.

Spring time sucks.

If I could fast forward to June, when things don’t remind me of being raped every second, I would be bursting with happiness.

**I am ok, I promise. I'm both ok and not ok at the same time. I am handling things MUCH better than I was last spring, but I am having a day and just needed to get it out of my system :) *

Purge

Important lesson I have learned this week: you are allowed to purge people from your life.

That only took forever and a day to figure out.

If there are people in your life who don't make you a better person, who constantly make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself, or who bring constant and unnecessary negativity into your life, then you don't need them.

Don't keep toxic people around because you feel guilty for leaving them behind. Don't keep them around because you're afraid of what they'll say if you walk away. If your friends are not the type of people who will build you up when you're crumbling apart, but only continue to help you crumble, then you don't need them. In fact I cannot fathom why you would even want anyone like that around you.

A friendship is a give and take relationship the way I see it. You should be working to help eachother. You cannot expect complete caring and understanding from one person without being willing to return that care and understanding.

This doesn't apply exclusively to friends, either.  This works for family members, coworkers, and anyone else you may cross paths with in your life.  You do not need to be surrounded by anyone who makes you feel worthless. You also don't need to be surrounded by anyone who only wants to be around when it's convenient for them. Just because you may have to see these people on a regular basis does not mean you need to be best buds or let them know about every aspect of your life.

Should you still be a kind, caring, compassionate person towards them? Yes. You can still possess all of those qualities, and you can still be a kind person, but don't set yourself up to be manipulated. And don't expect the same treatment in return. I think it hurts less if you don't expect a kind word.

People can be snakes. If you have someone around you who is sweet one minute and then talks about you behind your back the next, bump em. You don't need that. And you don't need to stress about that. Obviously that person has some things they are trying to work through. Worry about how you are treating people and don't worry about how others are treating you. If they aren't treating you right, then steer clear of them. But do not, I repeat, do not let that affect how you treat others. Your choices do not need to be the result of the environment you are in.

I am really sick of seeing good people treated like doormats. Many of those people won't purge the negative relationships out of their life because they feel bad about it. Do not feel bad! Don't feel guilty! For the sake of your own sanity purge out the negativity in your life! Tune out the bad and let the good flow in.

Stop trying to please everyone. It is impossible. Plus there will always be someone who will find something wrong with everything you do. If you are happy with the way your life is going, then keep living it. Don't worry about what other people think about it. If you know you're on the right path, and doing the right thing then don't let negative comments persuade you to change.

With all of this being said, I'm starting to purge people out of my life. Does this mean I never have to see or interact with them again? No it doesn't. It just means I don't have to go out of my way to spend time with them, I don't have to go out of my way to make sure they're happy with what I'm doing, and I don't have to worry about any guilt. Things flow a lot more smoothly when you don't let negative relationships get to you.

DISCLAIMER***Some of you may be reading this after being deleted off of my facebook this weekend. This has nothing to do with you. I deleted anyone who a)doesn't post anything ever and b) I don't interact with online regularly.  I see most of you in person and just felt like cleaning out my facebook. It's not a big deal, don't take it personally :)

Cherish the Present, Reflect on the Past

I never understood the importance of certain events in my life until I reflected back on them later. Some of the memories I cherish most are the ones I wish I had appreciated more while I was in the moment. This following post will be chock full of memories and pictures. Some of these will be funny, some of them sad, some of them will seem like meaningless tidbits of my life. I have come to realize, however, that even those moments that seemed meaningless have had the most profound affect on the rest of my life.

I believe that we take way too many things for granted. We take our families for granted. We take our friends for granted. We take ourselves for granted.

We worry so much about how we are perceived by the world around us that we get lost in that and we aren't truly living. We aren't appreciating who we are and what we have. This is something I need to be reminded of almost daily and fortunately I have people who are good at bringing me back to focus.

None of us should ever have to apologize for who we are. If my personality grates on your nerves I can't do anything about that. I am a bubbly person. I would rather play more and be serious less. I will joke with you, I will initiate banter, I will laugh audibly (extremely audibly) and I always seem to worry about how all of those traits will be perceived by everyone I come in contact with. That's who I am. I can't help it and I need to stop apologizing for it.

A few months ago a friend bought me a book about journaling, and a journal to go along with it. I have been using both of those tools a lot lately and have too often found myself reminiscing about periods of my life that I let pass by without a second thought. Our lives are so incredibly complex that I don't feel like we can categorize them into simple time slots like "childhood" and "college" and "adulthood". There were way more periods of my life.

The great thing about reflecting is that going back I have been able to find the good in even the most dire of circumstances. I am going to list some of the events and periods I have thought about and talk about them a little. I'm going to include some photographs too....mainly because I am obsessed with pictures.

1. One of the first events I reflected on was the year I lost both of my grandfathers. I lost my Grandpa on my mom's side 3 days before my 11th birthday. I loved my grandpa and though it hurt to watch him get so sick, I wasn't ready to let him go. As a kid he taught me how to use a typewriter, that chives are delicious, how to play softball, and a bunch of other things. 2 months and a week later we lost my other Grandpa to the same illness and as an 11 year old that was all really hard to handle. Looking back I have realized that although that was a difficult time for my whole family, there was some good that resulted. Going through those trials created an incredible bond between me and my Grandma...one I wouldn't change for anything. She is awesome and I hope I'm a lot like her when I get old. 
   
2. A period of time I didn't appreciate enough were my college years. I let 4 years of amazing memories become clouded by one year of difficult ones. That isn't fair to the other 3 years of college I experienced. College was freakin' awesome! I made so many friends, and have so many fond memories of the times we all spent together. Many of those friendships did not last, but I'm mature enough to realize now that not all relationships are going to last. Some people pop into our lives for a reason, and pop out almost as soon as their purpose has been served. And that's ok. Others stick around for life and that's great too! Just because I don't keep in touch with certain people doesn't mean the relationships I had with them were pointless. Putting aside the drama, college was (brace yourselves for a huge cliche) a time I really spent finding myself and figuring out who I was. And dangit by the time I graduated I still wasn't sure who the heck I was or what I was supposed to do with my life! If anything I was more confused than ever! Looking back on those years, though, I really was developing into the person I am now. It took a lot of heartache, laughter, and really strange experiences (mainly seeing people walking around campus being odd...there was one girl who dressed up like Pocahontas everyday for a month), but in all of that I was figuring out what I stood for and what kind of impact I wanted to leave on the world. At the time I was trying to bring joy to people....usually at my own expense ;)

• Middle School. Those were dark times. I got picked on by this one girl all of the time and I still bare scars from that. I tend to push the middle school era of my life out of my mind. I remember spending some days eating lunch in the bathroom because I had had it with people. I lost my friend Amanda when I was in middle school (one of the hardest things to go through....she wasn't the first person my age I had lost, but I was finally old enough to deeply understand that someone I cared about so much wasn't coming back). My friends were all getting boyfriends (what a JOKE in middle school, man!) and I was boy crazy. I was also super awkward looking with my chubby face, frizzy hair, braces and lack of fashion sense. Praise God I discovered makeup and the American Eagle clearance rack in high school. As tough as ages 11-14 were for me, I learned a lot. I learned how to determine who my true friends were, how to stay true to myself even when it was difficult, and how to be comfortable with keeping myself company from time to time. So take THAT middle school! You can bring me down, but eventually I'll pop back up.
• High school was fun. I gained friends, lost friends, argued with people whose opinions of me should never have mattered in the first place, struggled with the way I looked, happily coordinated trips to the mall with friends, and struggled to grow up. I wasn't necessarily happy about having to grow up (and who am I kidding, I STILL haven't grown up) and it was strange watching the people around me change. Funny thing was, I was changing too! It's cool to look back and be able to recognize when my friends became their own people. I always tell people I was lame and had no friends in high school, but I was super involved at school. I was the vice president of Character Council (I know a certain girl who shall remain unnamed is going to see this and start laughing), I was in Outdoor Club, I was in the musical once and was active in Playfest. I loved my role in all of those activities (especially Outdoor Club...I loved going camping). They were a good way to experience the world around me and meet more people, too! I was a music nerd and was in choir all 4 years of school. I never really realized how much those things impacted me. 

• The last point of my life I've been reflecting on recently is the present. From gradutaion from UNCG to now. I have gone through many changes. I got a real live big girl job, new friends, and I have experienced so many ups and downs I can't keep track. Life isn't always a piece of cake. I am grateful for the people in this period of my life who keep me grounded and who remind me that everything isn't always about me. I am blessed to have two friends named LAUREN AND AMY who put up with my nonsense 97% of the time without complain. I can be a jerk sometimes, and they still like me. How cool is that!? I know there are bound to be more changes in my future, but I really want to start focusing on all of the great things I can get out of the now.

Anyway the point of all of this is to tell you to start appreciating what you have. Don't wait until 20 years from now when you reminisce and start longing for the moments you took for granted. Seize the day, people! Be happy. Tell people you love them. Leave an impact on those around you and start recognizing how they are leaving an impact on you.

**I went a little overboard on the pictures. I couldn't help it! Going through old pictures is an obsession.**

Reactions

Do you know what I absolutely cannot stand? I can't stand when survivors are told how they should feel and how it is acceptable to act by other survivors.

I can't stand that people think all of us have been in the exact same boat, that we all react the same, that there is a blanket policy to help struggling rape survivors.

That policy does not exist.

I was not attacked by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. I didn't have obvious physical injuries (the ones I did have were concealed pretty well with makeup and hoodies even though it was like 80 degrees outside, and even those bruises went away within days).  I wasn't even sure what had happened could be considered an attack.  I have learned a lot since then, and that is that no two assaults are the same. No two people react to it in the same way. I have met some girls who have been assaulted and we have all handled our situations in different manners. Each of our situations were different. The only thing that is the same about us is that we went through a trauma and we came out of it alive.

I am going to tell you the reactions of 2 other girls. I do not judge any of them (and have been given permission by all to share what they've gone through) and I pray that you don't either. In the aftermath of trauma people act in different ways. They do what makes them feel safe, and comfortable.

Woman 1: She was attacked by a complete stranger while she was jogging in a park. Her physical injuries were pretty extensive and she was in the hospital for quite some time. I met her through someone in a support group I was a part of for a while. She is amazing. Her reaction to her assault was to take back control of her own body. While I have known plenty of people who don't want to be touched in any way after an assault (including myself. I didn't even want people hugging me for the  longest time), she was not the same. In her words she "slept with a lot of guys...I mean...A LOT. I did it because I had control, and I got to decide what happened to me and I liked feeling like I had some say again." Many people won't understand that kind of reaction. I do. I didn't have that reaction, but I understand it.

Woman 2: Assaulted repeatedly by her husband before she was able to finally find a way out of the relationship and get somewhere safe. She trusts no one now.  She is one of the most incredible people I have met, and always has had something profound to say. Right now she's pretty much a recluse. She rarely leaves her home, she doesn't like talking to people (she was in a support group with me), and she won't interact with people. Doing things like going to the grocery store gives her anxiety.

My own reaction: My own reaction was to panic, try and hurt myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my emotional pain anymore, hide out in my apartment. Then suddenly I started to change and put myself in a lot of risky situations because I didn't care what happened to me. I became even more stubborn than I had been before. When I changed again I became emotional. I didn't want to deal with the outside world, I was weepy 24/7. And then, finally, I found a voice again. It was strange because it wasn't the voice I was used to, but it was my new voice. I suddenly wanted more for myself and for other people and I was willing to speak up to get what I wanted. I have calmed a lot since then, and have found it easier to deal with my feelings and fears. I can actually live a normal life.

All 3 of us are living our lives. Are we living them in the way we expected? No. But for the most part (from what I've seen) we're all ok with how we are now. If I could have a do over I would probably go back and make sure none of this ever happened, but that's not how life works. I don't define myself by my circumstances, so you can't either. We are complex people and are more than how we handle tragedy.

The point I am trying to make is that if you are trying to help someone who is struggling with the aftermath of an assault, there is no handbook. You can't help them based on what you've heard other people say you should do. Look at these 3 scenarios I just gave you. We all reacted in extremely different ways. The best thing for you to do is to ask what you can do for that person. It's a simple question. How can I help you? Sometimes the best answer we can give is 'nothing'. There are plenty of times I just wanted to be left alone. The other important thing I want everyone to remember is that it is never ok to tell someone they aren't behaving in the "right" way. If they are doing something harmful it's fine to intervene, but otherwise if you think that someone who has survived a traumatic event is reacting in a strange way...keep it to yourself! The last thing any of us wants to hear is that we're weird.

This has been a PSA :)