Reactions

Do you know what I absolutely cannot stand? I can't stand when survivors are told how they should feel and how it is acceptable to act by other survivors.

I can't stand that people think all of us have been in the exact same boat, that we all react the same, that there is a blanket policy to help struggling rape survivors.

That policy does not exist.

I was not attacked by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. I didn't have obvious physical injuries (the ones I did have were concealed pretty well with makeup and hoodies even though it was like 80 degrees outside, and even those bruises went away within days).  I wasn't even sure what had happened could be considered an attack.  I have learned a lot since then, and that is that no two assaults are the same. No two people react to it in the same way. I have met some girls who have been assaulted and we have all handled our situations in different manners. Each of our situations were different. The only thing that is the same about us is that we went through a trauma and we came out of it alive.

I am going to tell you the reactions of 2 other girls. I do not judge any of them (and have been given permission by all to share what they've gone through) and I pray that you don't either. In the aftermath of trauma people act in different ways. They do what makes them feel safe, and comfortable.

Woman 1: She was attacked by a complete stranger while she was jogging in a park. Her physical injuries were pretty extensive and she was in the hospital for quite some time. I met her through someone in a support group I was a part of for a while. She is amazing. Her reaction to her assault was to take back control of her own body. While I have known plenty of people who don't want to be touched in any way after an assault (including myself. I didn't even want people hugging me for the  longest time), she was not the same. In her words she "slept with a lot of guys...I mean...A LOT. I did it because I had control, and I got to decide what happened to me and I liked feeling like I had some say again." Many people won't understand that kind of reaction. I do. I didn't have that reaction, but I understand it.

Woman 2: Assaulted repeatedly by her husband before she was able to finally find a way out of the relationship and get somewhere safe. She trusts no one now.  She is one of the most incredible people I have met, and always has had something profound to say. Right now she's pretty much a recluse. She rarely leaves her home, she doesn't like talking to people (she was in a support group with me), and she won't interact with people. Doing things like going to the grocery store gives her anxiety.

My own reaction: My own reaction was to panic, try and hurt myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my emotional pain anymore, hide out in my apartment. Then suddenly I started to change and put myself in a lot of risky situations because I didn't care what happened to me. I became even more stubborn than I had been before. When I changed again I became emotional. I didn't want to deal with the outside world, I was weepy 24/7. And then, finally, I found a voice again. It was strange because it wasn't the voice I was used to, but it was my new voice. I suddenly wanted more for myself and for other people and I was willing to speak up to get what I wanted. I have calmed a lot since then, and have found it easier to deal with my feelings and fears. I can actually live a normal life.

All 3 of us are living our lives. Are we living them in the way we expected? No. But for the most part (from what I've seen) we're all ok with how we are now. If I could have a do over I would probably go back and make sure none of this ever happened, but that's not how life works. I don't define myself by my circumstances, so you can't either. We are complex people and are more than how we handle tragedy.

The point I am trying to make is that if you are trying to help someone who is struggling with the aftermath of an assault, there is no handbook. You can't help them based on what you've heard other people say you should do. Look at these 3 scenarios I just gave you. We all reacted in extremely different ways. The best thing for you to do is to ask what you can do for that person. It's a simple question. How can I help you? Sometimes the best answer we can give is 'nothing'. There are plenty of times I just wanted to be left alone. The other important thing I want everyone to remember is that it is never ok to tell someone they aren't behaving in the "right" way. If they are doing something harmful it's fine to intervene, but otherwise if you think that someone who has survived a traumatic event is reacting in a strange way...keep it to yourself! The last thing any of us wants to hear is that we're weird.

This has been a PSA :)