Happily

I have been sick for 4 days, and that, my friends, has given me time to think. Friday when I was vomiting my brains out I was convinced I was dying, and I started wondering...what if I really were to die tomorrow? Life isn't guaranteed...I don't know when my time is. Instead of worrying about that I started worrying about whether or not I have done things in my life that make me happy. Or have I been doing things that are expected of me by other people for fear of judgement and a lack of acceptance?

I don't want to be the kind of person who on her dying day (hopefully when I am very very old) looks back and regrets the things she didn't do. I realized there are so many things that make me happy that I don't do anymore because other people will laugh or won't understand the appeal. Why should I let other people stop me from living my life happily? I shouldn't.

See, I really enjoy watching Disney movies and giggling like a 6 year old while I watch them. They make me happy. I don't want to be told that I'm immature and need to grow up. I am grown up. I just happen to like things that we've deemed only acceptable for children. I own coloring books, people. My mom sent me packs of glitter crayons for Christmas. When I am stressed out, coloring makes me happy. It is a simple pleasure that helps me combat my stress. Something I shouldn't be ashamed of, yet find myself not admitting to people.  When I am having a day where I feel beautiful I WILL take a picture of myself and put it on facebook, or send it to my mom ( BECAUSE MY MOM THINKS I'M PRETTY). Does that make me vain? Maybe. But it also makes me happy, and like I am worth something, and gives me a way to show that I feel good about myself that day. I laugh a lot....laughter makes me happy.  I was once told that I laugh too much. I don't think that's possible. If you cannot find joy and humor in any situation then you are doing it wrong.

Going to Target and scouring the clearance shelves for hours makes me happy. Cooking makes me happy. Playing video games makes me happy (yeah, that's right I'll play some Super Mario all day eerday.)  Daydreaming about my future makes me happy, sharing things about my life with people makes me happy.

I tell the people who are important to me that I love them and appreciate them everyday because making sure they know is something that makes me happy. Traveling, exploring new things and places, making a difference in someone's life (big or small), watching other people do things that are selfless, hugging people, making spontaneous decisions....these are all things that make me happy.

The point I am attempting to make is that you can't let the fear of what other people think stop you from doing what makes you happy. If you want to nerd out over Doctor Who (who wouldn't want to let's be serious) then do it! If you want to pick your nose and eat it then do it (though from a sanitary standpoint I would not necessarily advise this)!  Of course I would never encourage you to do something hazardous that would be putting you at an extreme risk. But if you want to write Twilight fan fic, dress up like spiderman, eat 3 cheeseburgers in a row when you're sad, or make up back stories for people you see walking down the street because it makes you happy, then who am I to judge you or stop you?

Who gave anybody the right to stop us from doing what makes us happy?

For the past 2 and a half years I have lived in fear of being judged. For those of you who have been around me consistently, you'll recognize my favorite line to deliver before telling you something..."don't judge me." I'm making a vow to myself to stop prefacing things with those words.

If I have learned anything the past 2+ years it is that life can change in an instant. When I walked into a friend's apartment on May 5, 2011 do you think I realized that at 2am my world would be completely different? Do you think I knew I would be fighting for my life for the next 2 years? I had no clue. I was so blind to the fact that anything could happen without warning...until it happened. You would think that that experience would have taught me right away to start living fully. It didn't. It took a long time to get to that point. I honestly wish I had had someone constantly at my side telling me to stop being pitiful, to stop worrying about everyone else, and to start living for me. To start living out my own happiness.

My message to you today is to start living a life that you can look back on on your dying day and not regret. Go get that pedicure, call that friend, eat that chocolate cake. Don't you dare let anybody else tell you what should and should not make you happy.