I Miss Her.

I miss 12 year old me so much.

How innocent and naive she was. How she thought that nothing was impossible. Depression was just a word, not a daily horror. I miss her carefree laugh, her desire to take on the world. The things that she worried about that just didn’t matter.

I miss her feeling of invincibility. She never knew what would happen to us. She had no clue, and she was able to breeze through her life happy and healthy up until the worst day of her life. 

She didn’t have to fake happiness some days. 

She didn’t have to see herself raped over and over again every time she closed her eyes. 

She didn’t have to worry every time she went on a date whether or not she needed to have pepper spray on hand. 

She told the truth, she never lied. She was honest almost to a fault, but you could tell when she wasn’t ok. Her life wasn’t perfect, but it sure as hell was a lot better than this. 

Depression sucks.

Spring time sucks.

If I could fast forward to June, when things don’t remind me of being raped every second, I would be bursting with happiness.

**I am ok, I promise. I'm both ok and not ok at the same time. I am handling things MUCH better than I was last spring, but I am having a day and just needed to get it out of my system :) *