Patience

Patience. I hate that word. Patience is something I've never really possessed. I mean, I can be patient with my students, and some other people. But the problem is, when I want something to happen in my life or I'm trying to make a change....I have no patience whatsoever. So it's no surprise that in May when my therapist told me I no longer needed to see her, I assumed that meant I was cured and I wouldn't have any problems ever again.

Yes I know now that that was stupid. A girl can dream, right?

This dream began when my psychiatrist made a comment that PTSD is completely curable. And so I thought "sweet I'm cured!".  I've found, though, that the memories and the feelings of anxiety, depression, and anger don't really totally disappear. 

I was raped 3 years ago and the past 3 years have been a roller coaster ride! I desperately wanted to be ok. I am ok. But I set unrealistic expectations for myself regarding my recovery and the rest of my life. Those expectations set me up for disaster. I became so frustrated with myself when little things I used to do constantly happened once in a while. I didn't even recognize what a blessing it was that these things were no longer happening every day! I was frustrated when I continuously contacted a friend who I knew was working and busy and panicked when I didn't get a response right away (this was a few weeks ago). I worried that I was becoming a burden and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again because I couldn't get myself together. I beat myself up over it. I never thought about how she had stood by me for the past year and a half, how she took my problems and helped me to face them head on, how she literally did whatever she could to make sure I felt safe and has always given the best advice for processing my feelings. I didn't take the time to remember these things and how she'd been with me through the worst, and a small bump in the road wasn't going to make her disappear. 

That same week one of my good guy friends gave me a hug. It was a sneak hug, I didn't see him coming and that normally (well for the past year at least) wouldn't bother me. I knew it was him, I knew he meant no harm. Yet I bristled. As soon as I felt myself tense up, I was screaming at myself internally. He could tell right away it had made me uncomfortable and apologized over and over and over again. I was frustrated that stupid things like hugs still made me panic. I didn't bother to remember that I'd gone months without reacting that way, and that this was a minor hiccup and not a major setback.  For the record, the next time I saw this friend I gave him the biggest bear hug and apologized for how I reacted. I know he's a good guy, and he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. I think that's why I was so upset with myself. 

These are all things I have to look past. I have overcome a lot of things since 2011, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have a perfect life.  There will be days where I struggle, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I've slipped backwards entirely. I went through a traumatic experience, and some of the effects of that experience will stick with me. I'm not always going to be prepared for when I have minor setbacks, but I vow to try and remind myself of how much I've conquered when they happen. It's amazing that a year ago I was struggling daily, and that I can honestly say today that I rarely ever think about what I've been through. It's not something that constantly pops in my head or replays in my sleep. I am so grateful for the people who have walked along side me, especially for those times when I was convinced I would never get better. They told me I could, and would get better...and I did! But that journey took patience. Patience. That stupid word again. I need to be patient. I need to understand that healing takes time. 

I hope that we all can find the opportunity to be patient with whatever trials we are facing in our lives. I hope you can all continue to be patient with me. Be patient with each other. Be patient in your circumstances. Patience is a tough word, but I think if we can all learn to embrace it, we might find more peace in our lives.