I was thinking today about several things I am having a dilemma over and was trying to remember how I've dealt with similar situations in the past and had a realization. I typically have one solution for the following problems:
1. Having someone tell me what I need to hear, and not wanting to hear it.
2. Stressful situations not going my way.
My solution to both of these problems is to run. I run fast.
Why do you think I can't commit to a therapist? This newest one is the 3rd one in less than two years. Now we all know that the first one is just an absolute psychopath, but there really wasn't anything wrong with the second one. I did have an issue with a technique she used called EMDR. She gave me very minimal information on it, and I agreed to try it. Basically what she would do is have me close my eyes. Our first session she made me picture a safe place, something I had a good memory of. My safe place that I chose was the Paw Paw Patch. You know that song/rhyme/whatever that has that line "way down yonder in the paw paw patch"? OK well when I was little we called this place the Paw Paw Patch and it was literally just a grassy pathway along the side of a church that ran behind our house and a few other houses in the neighborhood, and sometimes my parents would walk us back there to get home. It was like a special treat, and we didn't get to do it every day and it is honestly one of my favorite memories of being a kid, and so I chose that as my safe place. Anyway once I chose my safe place she told me to picture where my rape occurred. So I pictured that apartment. She would tap my hands 3 times and tell me I was in the apartment. My brain would bring up the picture and she would prompt me to start moving through the apartment and tell her what I saw. What I saw was terrifying. I would replay the rape, she would ask how I felt, I would cry a lot and a few times I even started screaming. I hated it. I told her I didn't like it. We argued about trying it again. I was set against it, but she was convinced it would help. I flat out refused and so that was that. Not much later I stopped going to her, but it wasn't because we argued. The reason I didn't go back is because one session she looked at me and said "you need to start being honest with yourself about what happened to you. Stop acting like everything is ok, because we both know it's not. Don't take your problems and sweep them under the rug, because they'll just resurface and it will hurt ten times more." She was right. I didn't want her to be right. So I ran.
This week some things didn't go my way. I didn't get what I wanted. I asked for something, plead my case, begged for it. And I was eventually told 'no'. Most people would have said ok and kept moving on. I was given an explanation, I understood. It was stressful to me to not get what I want and so my first instinct was to run. To go somewhere else and start all over. My solution is always to run.
After I was raped my mom swooped in and assumed her role as my protector. She was there when I needed to talk, but knew when to back off and leave me alone. She sang to me (I can't listen to that song anymore cause it triggers me...ask her and Lauren how I reacted to it at the P!nk concert, it was 3 minutes of ugly crying), took me places, tried to spoil me. When I said one night randomly that I wanted a milkshake we were suddenly in the car on the way to Cookout because she wanted me to finally eat. She cheered me on when I took 4 bites of a BLT. Anytime I wanted to go somewhere or do something she dropped everything and took me...no matter what, even if we really didn't have the money or the time. My mom wanted to make sure I felt safe, and loved, and comfortable. She didn't always say the right thing, and there were plenty of times where she innocently said something or wondered something out loud about the whole ordeal and it hurt my feelings. I never told her it did. And there were times too where she would tell me things that I needed to hear. She would tell me I needed to eat, she would say I needed to go to therapy, she would tell me I needed to start dealing with my memories and nightmares and emotions. Those were things I needed to hear, but I either wasn't ready to hear them or I didn't want to hear them. So instead of telling her that, I ran. I didn't literally get up and desert my mom. Instead I pushed her away. And I continue to push her away. I don't mean to keep doing it, I really truly don't. It's just become so easy for me. I don't like what she has to say even though I need to hear it? I shut her out, ignore her, or become irritable and short with her. My mother does not deserve that kind of treatment, and I recognize that yet I continue to do that. And she continues to love me. I mean the woman still comes and visits me, takes me out to eat, sends me funny youtube videos when I have a bad day (we haven't had a Hassellhoff Monday in a while!), hides Easter Eggs full of money around my house, and calls/texts me even though there's a 75% chance I'll act like a complete jerk and treat her like crap. She doesn't just tolerate me, she loves me. The fact that I can't accept that sucks. I'll admit there were times where I wanted her to be a sitcom mom where she would just sit down and listen to me and say something wise, and I had the exact conversations planned out in my head. There were 2 problems with this:
1. We are not mushy sitcom family type people (we're more gooey!)
2. Our relationship has never been like that.
Me and mom have always had an awesome relationship. She was always my best friend. I would literally prefer to hang out with her all day than hang out with people my own age when I was a teenager. We had always been very open with each other, and I had never been afraid to tell her anything. I honestly think that changed 2 or 3 days after I was raped when she innocently asked me a question that I took the wrong way. She was just wondering out loud like she has ALWAYS done with me having no problems with it, but I was so emotional that I took it as her blaming me. She realized what she said as soon as the words left her mouth and she was quick to correct herself and apologize profusely. But I think at that point it was too late. In 5 seconds our entire relationship changed. I know she doesn't blame me, I know she never did. But my brain hasn't necessarily functioned normally since May 6th 2011 so something obviously got messed up. Whatever part of my brain controls my relationship with my mom is temporarily on the fritz. I hope I can fix it soon. Once again I know she never once thought it was my fault. There were times where she opened up that she felt guilty that she wasn't there, that she couldn't protect me. Most normal people would realize that was their parent loving them. Want to know what I thought when she said it? "Oh my gosh she is making this about HER, how selfish. This is about ME." Really Kayleigh Rose? That's so selfish of her? How selfish of YOU. Her first born was just violated in the most horrific way she can imagine at that moment and you think it's selfish of her to wish she could have protected you? Moron. My mom deserves to have a better daughter than I have been, but she keeps me around anyway. I have a lot of "moms" who take care of me in this world, but there is only one who birthed me, who knows every freckle on my cute face and hair on my fat head. I hope that someday soon I can make it better, that I can mend what I broke. Most days I keep running from her, and she continues to sprint after me. I know our relationship will never be exactly the same, I've been changed too much and I'm realizing that I can't have that exact relationship if my personality and demeanor isn't exactly the same. I'm glad I have the mom that I do. I'm glad she keeps chasing me, even if I don't always show it. And she's probably reading this right now and crying....I still know her like the back of my hand. I love you mommy :)
I've figured out why I run. I run because that's my easy way out. I run because I don't think with my brain, I think with my heart. My emotions fuel my decisions, and my brain doesn't get a chance to object. If I continue to let my heart overtake my brain, and let my emotions drive my decision making, I am going to miss out on some amazing things and opportunities. So I think my new goal for now is not to run. This new therapist I'm seeing? She seems great, but she wants me to see her weekly. I can't afford that. So my original solution was to just stop going and not tell anybody. My new solution? Tell her I can only do every other week and deal with it. Baby steps.
Also if you're reading this I want you to go youtube and listen to the song Warrior by Demi Lovato. It is a beautiful song, and it's basically my life. And if you're my sister Katie I want you to listen to it too, just once, even though you hate Demi Lovato :)
I wasn't crying, I had something in my eye! <3
ReplyDelete