Abandoned

I think a lot about how I was treated after I was assaulted. In fact, I had a conversation with someone about it just today.  Their response to me was "wow....NOW I understand where all of your trust issues come from." There are things in this world that people should not have to endure.  Although I am slowly starting to cope with certain things, the harassment I endured after I was assaulted is one of those things that I am stuck on. 

When I was in high school I was a bubbly person. I had friends in different circles, I got along with most people, and I was proud to be able to say I had many friends.  So when I started college it was difficult for me to start over again. But I did.  I struggled to keep in touch with my high school friends, but had become friends with so many people on campus that it didn't really bother me all that much. 

Now put yourself in my shoes.  You are at a party at the end of your junior year of college. You meet a cute boy at this party.  He tells you how beautiful you are (something you don't hear often) and you allow yourself to be charmed. You drink a little too much, he takes advantage of that, and suddenly you find your world has been shattered.  Everything you have ever believed in has been ruined.  Every dream you have had has been crushed.  And the only people you want are your friends.  You have a lot of them, so it would be safe to assume you could count on them, right? Wrong.  You go home for the summer, you keep your secret from them, you think things will be fine if you just keep your mouth shut.

Suddenly a month after you're assaulted you see things pop up on Twitter about you from people you thought were your friends. "Did you hear what Kayleigh did? #slut"  "Accusing innocent people of rape? #whore"   These were the same people who just weeks before were saying you were their BFF. 

You return to campus in August, ready to start your senior year. You're a little nervous that you'll run into people that you've decided to break away from, but for the most part you are excited.  So now I want you to picture your first day back to classes and you're walking through campus calmly and suddenly people start calling you a "bitch" and a "whore" and "slut".  You start getting verbally abused by people you know and people you don't know.  They threaten to come after you, they tell you you're a liar. So the logical thing to do is go to campus police, right? Campus police tell you they can't do anything and to report it to the dean of students office. You attempt this twice and they don't even let you past the front desk.  You go through this torture for an entire semester.

In January you have a meltdown, you are admitted to the hospital and your roommates act like they are concerned for you.  But once you're back home they start acting strange, and then they stop talking to you all together which further alienates you and makes you feel helpless.

These are the types of things I have gone through and it sucks.  People you love calling you a lying, pathetic drama queen does not boost your confidence in healing.  The people who were nice to me until things got tough hindered my recovery.  And then there are my favorite people who were sweet to my face in order to get the information they wanted, and then turned around and talked about me behind my back. 

If you want to completely shut someone down, abandon them or stab them in the back.

It is so difficult for me to let people close to me.  Sometimes some of you get frustrated with me, some of you understand and push on.  I don't know how to break myself of any of the behaviors concerning friendships that I've developed. 

Another thing I finally verbalized today (and I can't come up with a better way to put this) is that I got screwed over multiple times by all of the people I was always told would help me.  The police, my school, doctors, my friends.  All of these people were supposed to be supportive, understanding, and helpful.  This proved to be a myth. None of them helped.  They made things more difficult.  Granted, there are a few friends who have been there from the start who showed all of those qualities.  Those are the people who proved to me that there was a little good left in the world.

This past year has been hard with all of the changes any college grad would find themselves going through. New job, new relationships, new surroundings.  I feel like those were things that made my life increasingly difficult.  I found myself just waiting for new friendships to dissolve almost as soon as they started.  I felt like I constantly had to explain myself to people.  I am finally beginning to realize, though, that I don't owe anyone an explanation.  Don't get me wrong, there are times where for some reason I just feel in my heart like I need to open up to somebody. I don't know how to describe it, except for that the feeling is overwhelming and that once I do it I feel good about it.

I feel like this post probably won't make that much sense this evening.  I don't feel like proofreading it and my thoughts are kind of jumbled and all over the place, but I really felt a need to get this all down.  Maybe if I read it again tomorrow I'll be able to sort my thoughts out a little better!