Here Comes the Sun

"Here comes the sun and I say, it's all right..." This song has been stuck in my head all day! Reason? I finally went to the Dr. today and I feel like (for the first time in months) that we're actually getting somewhere.

We talked and he said I am definitely struggling with severe depression and anxiety, and I was officially diagnosed OCD. All of those, including the OCD fall under the umbrella of PTSD and so we are going to try a combination of medications and therapy. All of the medication I will be taking are things I took a year and a half ago that worked really well. We can't really figure out why my doctor didn't put me back on those to begin with, but I am going to look past that and just pray that if he ever has another patient with symptoms like mine he pays more attention to them and their needs.

I was told I never should have been put on Celexa. He said that there have been studies with panic disorders and they could never quite get Celexa to work correctly, and that although my anxiety levels are crazy high, the medication could have contributed to making it a tad worse.  I am not allowed to stop taking my medicine until I have successfully completed a therapy program.  This is so hard for me because as stated in my previous post I like to run when the going gets tough.  I know that when therapy starts getting too difficult I will want to sprint away, curl up in a ball and cry. Fortunately I have been blessed with some incredible people in my life who have made it incredibly clear that they will not let me run away this time.  I have too much riding on getting better.  I owe it to myself, and I owe it to some other people, to let myself heal and to actually put the work in necessary to heal. 

This will be hard. It will hurt....probably a lot. I am in deep emotional turmoil, and I need to start recognizing that instead of sweeping it under the rug.  I deny it to myself constantly, and I need to stop because it is NOT helping me get better.  I admitted to the Dr. that I didn't understand why I was still feeling like this when I was raped 2 years ago.  His response was "Well when you switch therapists and quit treatment this much, you don't allow yourself to deal with it and cope. You're still in a place you were right after you were raped because you refuse to acknowledge it and deal with it." Wow. It is so true. I can come on this blog and tell all of you about it, I can discuss it with my friends. I know it happened, I was there, I relive it constantly.  But it makes me uncomfortable and dealing with it is painful and so I just brush it off like I'm this really strong person when in reality I am a huge wimp. 

Is the pain agonizing at times? Absolutely. There are days I can't drag myself out of bed because I know the day will hurt. There are days I can hardly make it to work because I know it will hurt.  There are days I can barely form full sentences because speaking takes energy and I'm using all of mine to survive...I have no time to waste on useless words.  When you have an attitude like that, though, a lot of things go left unsaid.  Things like, "I need help" or "I just need a hug" or "I need to know I'm not burdening you" or "I need someone to tell me I'm going to be ok and to make me feel like I'm safe".  It is a struggle. 

I don't like hearing that things are wrong with me.  I don't like feeling like I am going crazy.  I don't like asking for help or feeling like I need to be taken care of.  I want to be able to deal with my own problems.  Actually, I don't even want to have problems. That's a lot to ask. 

A lot of people have asked what they can do for me when they see that I'm having a rough day. Know what you can do?  Reassure me. Make sure I know that I am loved, make sure I know I am not a burden to you (unless I am in which case don't approach me), make sure I know that this fight I'm in is worth it.  Some days I know that I am fighting a battle that will eventually be won, as long as I continue working at it.  Then there are some days where I'm really not sure it is worth it.  There are days this seems like an endless battle.  Those are the longest, most difficult days.  The ones where all I want to do is sleep all of my problems away, and I have to fight to make myself get up and be productive. Some of those days me fighting to get myself up means I fight to do something as simple and ridiculous as moving to the couch and turning on the tv. Some days that is work.  What would be mindless for most of you is pure torture for me when I have a bad day. Turning on the tv is hard work. 

Another word of advice is if you see me crying or see that I have been crying at some point, don't demand to know what's wrong with me.  Ask if everything's ok. You can even ask why I'm crying. But seriously there are so many times where I don't even know why I'm crying....it's just something my brain is currently making me do.

This post has probably seemed whiny, but I swear that today I saw a bright side.  I feel deep in my heart that things are going to start getting better. I am a fighter, I am sassy, and I have never let anything defeat me before and darn it I am not going to start letting that happen now....I'm too stubborn. I am going to beat this. I am going to come out a better person because of it.


"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right"