A Letter to my Rapist

Dear [insert name here],
         My intention over the past two years was to never have to see you again or speak to you.  I would silently thank God every time I was told you wouldn't have to pay for any of the crimes you had committed, because that meant I didn't have to face you in court. Did you know that had you gone to court I would have been questioned more intensely and scrutinized more than you? They wouldn't have even had to put you on the stand.
          Now, I know that you are aware that what you did to me was wrong. So I feel as if I am safe in my assumption that you realized the same thing about the other young woman you raped.  I don't know what or how you feel now....maybe you don't even think about it.  I do know for a fact that you laughed about it after it happened. I found your facebook, I saw your twitter.  You and your friends thought it was hilarious that some "slut" you had just met that wanted to have sex with you had realized she had gone too far and then cried rape. What a stupid girl. She should have been raised better, the police would never believe her, you had nothing to worry about. "Oh that's rough man, so I guess you'll be layin low for a while right?" "No way man, I'll be out tonight....you can be my wingman, since it didn't work out with that bitch I'll have to find someone else."  As the girl you were referring to in those tweets and facebook posts, I would like to clear some things up.  For one, I did not want to have sex with you.  That should have been blatantly obvious as soon as the words 'no' and 'stop' left my mouth.  If it wasn't clear at that point, it should have become extremely noticeable when I started to struggle and tried to get up and leave. I feel as though you don't choke someone you are having consensual sex with and threaten to kill them and their family when they try to get away from you.  Secondly, the police did believe me.  They thought you were completely full of it.  The detective who was assigned to my case said he took the opportunity he had to interview you without a lawyer (something you stupidly agreed to) as a way to get you to confess. He handed you a water bottle and told you to pretend it was your favorite appendage, and weapon of choice against women. He asked you to show him what happened.  You measured with your hands, and told him "well it was only this far inside of her".  He asked if I struggled. You told him yes. When you were questioned as to why I would have struggled if I had consented you said "well she was crying and I mean I knew she was a virgin so I know she was upset because it hurt."  He asked if you stopped after you realized I was crying. You said no.   You admitted to the police that you raped me. You admitted it.
             I'm sure you think the police believed you because you never went to court. The detective fought for me.  He went to 3 different district attorneys, and one almost took my case on. They all eventually decided not to fight a battle they knew they couldn't win. You had pretty much admitted it, but they were convinced that you truly thought that what you did wasn't wrong and that a defense attorney would tear me to pieces. The toll it would take on me wasn't worth it. The amount of money and time it would take to go through a trial was not worth it to them. It was worth it to me.  I was already an empty shell. You stole a lot from me. What else did I have to lose at that point?
             You made me numb to everything. I have gone through long periods of time where I feel nothing.  I refuse to acknowledge that you ever happened, I refuse to deal with the wounds you have left on my fragile, fractured heart. Your actions cut me to the utmost core.  You turned people I loved against me, and sent complete strangers to harass me and make sure I would never forget you.  You have helped me plunge into a depression deeper than the ocean. You have made sure that every action, every move, every risk, every mundane activity is met with a sense of panic. You created an anxiety in me that's turned into obsessive compulsive disorder and paranoia.  You helped to strain my relationship with my mother. You made it so that conversation with my father is sometimes awkward. You have made me fear for my sisters on a daily basis. You have made it near impossible for me to leave my house without a sense of doom.  You made me question my faith. You made me question my entire life. You made me question every choice I made that night. You have made me believe that there is little to no good left in this world.
                 Most people walking down the street would think I am a happy person, that I am a bubbly personality.  I am those things, when I choose to let myself be.  What those people don't see are the scars that are deep under the surface.  They cannot see the hurt in my eyes or the ache in my soul.  Those who know what I've been through constantly tell me how 'strong' I am. How I am getting stronger every day.  I am not strong, though, I am weak.  I am not handling myself with grace. I am spiraling out of control.  I lie when people ask how I am.  That question is usually met with either 'good', 'ok', or 'fine'.  I am none of these things. In reality I am not good, ok, or fine.  I feel like I am broken.  I am a shattered vase, and I am trying to put myself together exactly as I was before you laid hands on me. The unfortunate thing with anything that is shattered as I am, is that the pieces never fit back together quite right.  That vase will never be as beautiful as it was before....people will always see it with its gaps and superglue.  Those who see me up close will always be aware of my inner scars and bruises.  They will always know what I've had to endure. They will always know that on the inside I am fighting a constant war.
                   You may be thinking right now "Ha! I did get to her!" You may think you have won.  I am about to shatter that dream.  You have not won, and you never will.  You see, I'm learning to appreciate my weakness and vulnerability.  My ability to open up to people and share my story has helped to grow a large support system for me.  The people I surround myself with now are people I love immensely.  They shower me with love and support.  These people are trying to help me get better in any way they can.  You tried to ensure that people would break me down emotionally.  Well, I've found people who build me up not only emotionally, but mentally and spiritually as well.  Those people have convinced themselves and me that I will heal.  That I will come out of this strong and resilient. They encourage me, and I haven't felt this encouraged and held up ever.  It is a wonderful feeling, and one I didn't necessarily have until I faced immense amounts of pain.
                    Those relationships that I have struggled with during the past two years are relationships I still struggle with.  But now I am realizing that they are the most important things I can have in my life, especially the ones with my family.  In being a semi open book I hope that I can start to mend what needs mending.  I hope that I can reach out and open my heart to  them when all I've tried to do the past 24 months is slam it shut.  I know I can't do all of the work, that they have to put in a little work too....but I have faith that eventually we will get there.
                     I am beginning to learn that my tears are not necessarily a sign of weakness either.  Some days they serve as a reminder that I am still, in fact, alive.  Some days they show that I am still a feeling human being.  Those tears are filled with hopes, grief, affirmations, joys, let downs, and memories.  I am learning to embrace my tears.  I am learning that I don't have to be ashamed of them. Each tear serves a purpose, one that doesn't always clearly show itself to me, but it's always there somewhere.
                    It is ok for me to need people.  To need reassurance.  To need love and affection, and to be vulnerable.  When you raped me I thought that my life was over.  I felt so needy for attention.  I felt like you took everything I cared about and took it, along with my virginity which was something I treasured.  I thought I was destroyed, that people would only see me as broken and used.  That men would see me just as an object and not as a person.  In 2 hours time you saw to it that I question my entire existence, my entire purpose.  And I allowed you to get under my skin and do that to me.
                    Most people are going to expect me to hate you.  I don't hate you.  I hate what you did.  I feel bad for you.  You used your charm and words to trap me, to get to me.  You've done this to other girls.  Do you have such low self esteem that you think you have to rape someone, and take away their confidence and trust just so you can feel powerful? I hope that one day I can forgive you completely.  It's difficult, but I am certain that one day I can get there and honestly say "I forgive him".  I hope that if you were to ever see this that you would reflect and realize what you had done was wrong.  I don't know that that would ever happen, but I will pray that someday you do realize the complexity of your actions.
                     The one good thing about this whole situation is that I have learned a lot about myself.  I don't credit you for this at all, though.  I credit myself and the people I choose to surround myself with.  I will come out of this a better person.
                    I hope that you'll think twice before doing this to some other girl.  I hope that you remember that when she says no she means it.  I hope you realize that getting her drunk first, and making sure you can hold it over her head is wrong.  I hope that someday you realize what kind of monster you have created in yourself.

That girl you hurt in more ways than one,
Kayleigh

"There's a part of me I can't get back, a little girl grew up too fast.  All it took was once I'll never be the same. Now I'm taking back my life today, there's nothing left that you can say cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway.  Now I'm a warrior, yes I've got thicker skin. I'm a warrior, I'm stronger than I've ever been and my armor is made of steel you can't get in, I'm a warrior....and you will never hurt me again."
~Demi Lovato "Warrior"