Sometimes when I am feeling especially anxious or stressed out, I like to do one thing. Get in my car, blast some tunes, and drive out in the country with no destination in mind. It soothes me, I get distracted by belting out song lyrics, and I am able to break through the barriers that were holding me back while I was sitting at home. It's a relaxation tool for me (one some people have voiced concern over) and even though gas is really stinkin' expensive, I will continue to do it until it doesn't help anymore. I know it worries people because of my history of having random panic attacks, but I am smart enough to pull over when that happens.
Today was a day where I tried to relax and ultimately became stressed out. I was so irritated by many things including my medicine making me feel sick, and the hangover the stuff I take for insomnia has been giving me. These are all things that I should have been able to ignore. I've been on all of these meds before, and I know that within the next week or two all of these side effects will wear off. Laying by the pool, which is usually my favorite way to spend a beautiful summer day, turned into a mess of my mind racing, forcing down the lump in my throat, and trying to ignore the gigantic knot in my stomach. I was tired, and angry, and I wanted both feelings to go away. As I trudged back to the apartment I scolded myself. Why are you so upset? Why don't you just suck it up and deal with it?
I found myself sitting on the couch, watching Spongebob, and trying to focus. When that didn't work, I laid down and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep, but when I finally opened my eyes it had been 2 hours and I felt better. I laid there for 2 hours coaching myself, and singing lyrics to songs that popped into my head. Insanity, is this what you look like? I forced myself to get up and make myself some dinner (I was pretty impressed with myself....lemon pepper shrimp, broccoli, and a potato. Delish!) and watched some more tv. When I was done I was still anxious, so I decided to take a drive.
I was doing really well and enjoying the scenery (I love living in NC!). Then...my mind started to wander. I pulled over in a cemetery and put the car in park. I started thinking about the last time I had sat in a cemetery (one afternoon while having a panic attack, and spilling my guts to someone) which lead to my mind wandering to all of the things I had been through the past few months, and the past couple of years. As if thinking wasn't enough, the Rascal Flatts song " I Won't Let Go" came on my ipod and filled my car...and I lost it. There's a good sized pond where I stopped and I got out of the car and went and sat by the water. I thought about every thought, every action, every emotion I had dealt with. I threw rocks into the water. I cried.
If anyone had come up behind me they would have thought I was crazy. I started saying out loud "Why ME? Why THIS? Why can't I just get over this already? It's not fair! I feel like I'm drowning. I didn't sign up for this fight, I don't want any part of it. Things were so much easier when I had trained myself to push my emotions deep down....why did people have to walk into my life this year and change that? Why do people suddenly care? NO ONE CARED 2 YEARS AGO WHEN I REALLY NEEDED THEM TO." I let it all out. All of the questions and feelings I have carried with me for 2 months were let out into the open.
I sat by that pond for a very, very long time. I calmed down while I sat there and continued to think. Letting all of those emotions take form is something that should have been done ages ago. I have never been comfortable with feelings....I don't like being angry, I don't like being sad, and I really don't like feeling hopeless. My way of coping was to push away those feelings of hurt, fear, and anger and pretend as though they didn't exist. How unhealthy is that? This is one of, I'm sure, many reasons why my rape is still affecting me in the way that it is. It was suggested that when I started feeling anxious again the cause of that stress was testing and drama at work. This is definitely a part of it, but I truly believe that, especially since I am still struggling with these things, the sole reason I can't seem to keep it together again is because I never allowed myself to deal with what happened to me in the first place.
I have walked through the last year acting like it didn't bother me. I never confided in anyone that I was terrified he would come after me again. I never told anyone (until right this second) that I avoid every Food Lion because I was followed by him in one once. I deny being troubled by the fact that I was deserted by so many "friends" who chose to believe a rapist over me. I don't readily admit that I have abandonment issues, but I do. I don't tell people I want or need help when that's all I've really wanted. I refrain from telling people the complete truth about my current actions and feelings in fear that they themselves will become fearful and worrisome for me. I refuse to worry about myself, because it's easier and more in my nature to worry about everyone else. I am a fixer and I despise the feeling that I need someone to help me piece myself back together.
That joyride that ultimately lead to me sitting by some random pond in a random cemetery actually brought me some peace. It's good to get things off your chest, and to think things through. I know that I need to keep pushing forward, and I know it's going to be extremely difficult. I'm going home for a week soon (I'm only partially looking forward to it, because I'm getting my wisdom teeth out and they may not be able to give me anesthesia and that is terrifying) and people keep asking (judgmentally) why I'm going home for only a week. Honestly I feel like this post helps answer that question. I would love to stay and visit for a little longer, but I need my routine. I need a schedule. I need normalcy, and my normal everyday lies here in NC. If I leave for too long I will be extremely apt to stop going to therapy and my psychiatrist. I can't do that. I need to force myself to stick to a semi regular routine and I am afraid of going off of that routine for even a week. It's terrible, and some of you are judging me right now and I don't care. Maybe by next summer I'll be in a much better place and I'll be able to visit my family for a longer amount of time.
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