I woke up with the sads today. :( Actually can you call it waking up if you didn't really get any sleep to begin with? I went to bed last night around 8:30 after taking a trip to the store and not having a very good evening.
Yesterday I went to the Dr. and argued with him about my meds. And by argued I mean he wasn't listening and I started screaming at him. I need a new doctor. If anyone knows of a good one let me know :)
Anyway, this morning I got up at 6am. I had been tossing and turning all night, I'm lucky if I even got 2 solid hours of sleep. I cleaned my entire apartment because I was so anxious and stressed out. I cried a lot this morning for no reason. I went out to lunch with a friend which was good, and afterwards Lauren informed me we got paid last night (what a pleasant surprise!). I thought maybe going shopping would help me feel better. No such luck. I've felt kind of like a zombie all day. I can't sleep, I lose interest in whatever is on tv within 10 minutes and even Targhetto couldn't pull me out of this funkay mood I'm in! Oh and I've been listening to the same Phillip Phillips song for the past 45 minutes.
I have no appetite either. I could have gone without eating lunch today. I had maybe 5 good size bites of my nachos, and I can almost guarantee I won't be eating dinner tonight because if things continue they way they have been most of the week, I just won't be hungry at all. I'm trying not to complain, I really am....but this is miserable. I can't wait to get back to feeling normal. It's not fun constantly having your heart racing, your palms sweating, your head pounding, your stomach turning. It stinks....especially since there really isn't a reason for it.
I've been really bad, too, at telling people what I need. Anyone who's known me for a while knows I am terrible at asking for help, or just someone to talk to/cry to/whine to/hug/be distracted by. At some point in the last few days I have eventually needed all of those things, maybe not all at once, but at some point in time. I never know how to tell anyone what I need, though, without sounding like a big whiny baby. And sometimes when I do bring it up I can sense that people start getting uncomfortable so I drop it. Even today I could have just used someone to come over and play Pretty Pretty Princess with me and watch Pocohontas....mainly just needing some company.
On the other hand, it gets complicated because there are several times throughout the past few days where I've wanted to be left alone, too. It's like my brain doesn't know what it wants. One minute it was content laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing, the next it was craving human contact. Fingers crossed this roller coaster will be over in a week or so....that's how it went last year. Only lasted a couple of weeks. And fortunately last year I got distracted for some of it because my family was here for graduation and my mom nearly killed me with a carrot cake cupcake. :)
Hopefully I get some sleep tonight, and maybe I'll even wake up wanting to eat something in the morning (note I started writing this at 1:30 this afternoon and it is now 10pm and my guess was true...I haven't eaten. I can't even get myself to eat something yummy like ice cream). My plan is to find a church to try out in the morning. I've been trying to look, but haven't found a good fit yet. I feel like I need to find one soon, even though I work 2 Sundays out of the month and would only go to services for the other two. Who knows! Anyway, this has been a whiny post and I'm ready to sleep.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tis the Season
It's officially the end of April and I would love to know where this month went. I've been dreading May so I am really not thrilled about it starting next week. May 6th is about two weeks away. Remember when I said I was going to be really positive about it and treat it as more of a celebration? What a load of crap.
Already it's starting. My anxiety is through the roof. Not only am I starting to mentally/emotionally become introverted, it's starting to hit me physically too. I noticed myself today trying to crawl into the smallest ball possible. I guess I was hoping that that would make everything disappear. No such luck.
I had a full blown panic attack while I was driving to work this morning. My chest felt like it was in vice, my breathing was shallow, my vision blurred. I pulled over and took a lot of deep breaths. Once I felt like I was under control I started driving again. I got about halfway down the road when I pulled over again. It was bad. I texted Whitney to see where she was because I was hoping to con her into coming and picking me up off the road and driving me to work. She was still a good ways from school so I told her I could handle it. I specifically remember telling her I needed to throw up but that I was afraid to get out of my car because I was terrified people I know would see me. Eventually I just didn't care (and a couple of people did see me during part of the ordeal but I didn't find out until later). I walked around the side of the car, grabbed the side mirror in a death grip and started dry heaving into the ditch.
Long story short, I made it to work (a couple minutes late but hey I made it!). That was the absolute worst ever. I took some medicine finally which helped but made me so tired because I haven't taken any of it in like a month and my body was not used to it. I'm going to the Dr friday morning to see if he'll prescribe something Xanax like that isnt Xanax cause I hate that stuff. The Lexapro is a good preventative thing but I feel kind of screwed over when I have a panic attack or severe anxiety and have nothing extra to fall back on.
I just keep telling myself that the worst of it will be over in 2 weeks. 2 weeks, just 2 weeks. All of the other work stress is definitely not helping at all, but I know I can get through that too. Let's not even add the issues I've been having with friends/people I used to be close with. I'm done making an effort to see these people. I have done my part. I am constantly reaching out to you and nothing ever happens. I'm just going to go ahead and take the hint that you are only my friend when it is convenient for you and that you only want to catch up with me when I mention we should (and then our plans never go through anyway). So ridiculous and I am very done.
I am so exhausted I just want to sleep from now til tomorrow night.
Already it's starting. My anxiety is through the roof. Not only am I starting to mentally/emotionally become introverted, it's starting to hit me physically too. I noticed myself today trying to crawl into the smallest ball possible. I guess I was hoping that that would make everything disappear. No such luck.
I had a full blown panic attack while I was driving to work this morning. My chest felt like it was in vice, my breathing was shallow, my vision blurred. I pulled over and took a lot of deep breaths. Once I felt like I was under control I started driving again. I got about halfway down the road when I pulled over again. It was bad. I texted Whitney to see where she was because I was hoping to con her into coming and picking me up off the road and driving me to work. She was still a good ways from school so I told her I could handle it. I specifically remember telling her I needed to throw up but that I was afraid to get out of my car because I was terrified people I know would see me. Eventually I just didn't care (and a couple of people did see me during part of the ordeal but I didn't find out until later). I walked around the side of the car, grabbed the side mirror in a death grip and started dry heaving into the ditch.
Long story short, I made it to work (a couple minutes late but hey I made it!). That was the absolute worst ever. I took some medicine finally which helped but made me so tired because I haven't taken any of it in like a month and my body was not used to it. I'm going to the Dr friday morning to see if he'll prescribe something Xanax like that isnt Xanax cause I hate that stuff. The Lexapro is a good preventative thing but I feel kind of screwed over when I have a panic attack or severe anxiety and have nothing extra to fall back on.
I just keep telling myself that the worst of it will be over in 2 weeks. 2 weeks, just 2 weeks. All of the other work stress is definitely not helping at all, but I know I can get through that too. Let's not even add the issues I've been having with friends/people I used to be close with. I'm done making an effort to see these people. I have done my part. I am constantly reaching out to you and nothing ever happens. I'm just going to go ahead and take the hint that you are only my friend when it is convenient for you and that you only want to catch up with me when I mention we should (and then our plans never go through anyway). So ridiculous and I am very done.
I am so exhausted I just want to sleep from now til tomorrow night.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Q&A Time!!
So I finally got all of the questions that I figure I'll get and I'm going to take some time to answer them. Thanks to everyone who sent me questions...some of them really made me think hard. I'm not putting names on the questions....you know what you've asked!
How do you think your life would be different if you hadn't been raped? Would it be different?
I really had to remove my entire assault from my head for a minute in order to come up with an answer to this question. I think my life would be totally different. My relationships wouldn't be as complex as they are now. If I wanted to be your friend in the past we would just have to get along and have stuff in common and BOOM we'd be instant friends. Now, though, you really have to prove yourself to me. My relationships with my family have changed...some of it happens to be a good change, some of it is not. If I hadn't been raped I don't think I would take things as personally or be nearly as offended by certain things. If I hadn't been raped I would still be acting like an immature college student instead of like a responsible adult. I matured a lot in the past 2 years. It's funny though, because I think if you knew me before all of this you can vouch for that. If you are a recent friend you might be thinking "mature!? you act like a 5 year old!" There are times where I do, in fact, still act like a child. It's something I'm still working on and is a type of maturity that will continue to grow with time. I also think that if I hadn't been raped I wouldn't be so needy. My constant need to know I'm doing a good job or to be reassured that people like me gets absolutely tiring. So I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that yes, my life would be totally different if I hadn't been assaulted. Some things would be for better some would be for worse.
LOVE YOUR TATTOO!!!!! Do you plan on getting another one?
Ah thank you!! I love my tattoo too. I think I have found my next one, I want it on my shoulder blade area. It's the words "Let your past make you better, not bitter" in the shape of a heart. It's really cute and the words really speak to what I believe about what I've been through. You all know I constantly say that I was meant to do something with what I've been given, and I truly think that what I was supposed to do starts with bettering myself.
As a survivor myself I know that there are certain smells and things that trigger me. Do you have any in particular that still bother you to this day that you just can't seem to shake?
Oh my stars yes. The one that I cannot get over is the smell of Papa Johns pepperoni pizza. The smell of it makes me absolutely sick. I can eat it, but I literally have to hold my breath so I don't smell it. Isn't that just absolutely ridiculous?
Two year anniversary day is coming up (please don't be mad I called it an anniversary since anniversaries are usually happy and this isn't a happy siutation) are you nervous about it? Do you feel like you'll go through it ok?
Oh gosh I am not mad at you at all! I refer to it as an anniversary too, because what else do you call it? That day 2 years ago that I was raped by an idiot in an apartment? Naw...we'll just call it a two year anniversary! I actually am not dreading it this year. I plan on celebrating it this year. It's my Survivor Day....the day I proved to myself that I could survive in even the nastiest of circumstances and I think that that's worth celebrating, don't you? Heck I might even make myself some cupcakes. I also want to take balloons and tie slips of paper on one color with things that have made me upset the past two years on them, and write dreams and goals and tie them to a different group of colored balloons and release them. That was something that was suggested to me at the hospital last year that I've been wanting to do.
Tell me where'd you get that body from?
I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA.. (Brownie points if you know what song this is from).
But seriously why was this a question?
In the future what milestones or things do you think you'll hit that will be the hardest for you?
I'm about to get really personal. I had to think about this for a long time and have come to the conclusion that I will probably have some issues when the following happen:
1. When I start dating/get a boyfriend.
2. The first time I have sex that is consensual.
3. When I get married.
4. When I have kids.
I feel like all of these things have the potential to have triggering effects on me. Trying to trust men again is what a lot of this comes down to. I know there are good guys out there, I just have major trust issues and it's going to take a lot for me to overcome them. A big thing for me is number 2. My 7th grade science teacher when teaching us about the reproductive system used to start off every class by saying, "SEX. Is a beautiful thing." We all used to giggle and turn beat red because oh my gosh our teacher just said sex. But I was thinking about those lessons the other day and the things she used to say, and I really wish I could honestly view it as something 'beautiful'. Instead my brain recognizes sex as a weapon that was used against me to take away control of my body and to break my spirit. It's going to take so much to get beyond that. One day I know I'll be able to get past that or at least control it....but I do fear the day when I have to try to overcome that.
In your opinion what is the toughest thing about your PTSD to deal with?
My OCD. I have this incredible need to have everything perfect, to constantly be validated (to the point where it is, in fact, obsessive). When people find out I have OCD they expect me to do things like wash my hands obsessively or something physical like that. You cannot generalize OCD to a mental illness dealing with germs. A lot of people with OCD do have that problem, but there are other pieces of obsessive compulsive disorder. I would do things like check my locks 10 times exactly before I went to bed, I would look out my windows to make sure no one was hiding on my balcony. But more than the physical is the mental. The thoughts I have, the things I need to hear. It's difficult because you cannot force people to say what you so need to hear, and I would never want to. That whole part of my PTSD is slowly getting under control, but it is definitely the most difficult to deal with.
How do you feel about people who make rape jokes?
I don't mind when people make jokes about rape culture....because typically those jokes are used to point out how ridiculous our society is. When people make jokes about the action of rape itself, though, I write them off as complete trash and lose any respect I may have had for them. I was looking through my facebook the other day and a girl my sister and I used to be friends with had left a message on one of my notes about 2 years ago. It was a letter thing with blank spaces they were supposed to fill in. One of the lines was "I want to_______you." Most of my friends said things like visit, hug, love. This girl's word she chose to insert? "Rape". Yep. It said "I want to rape you." I hadn't been raped yet but even then I didn't find it funny. Rape is not a joke. And the longer we treat it as one the longer it will take for victims to be treated humanely and respectfully. We need to stomp out these jokes to try and stop revictimizing.
How do you feel when you see things in the news where rape victims haven't been able to bounce back as you have or have given up and taken their lives?
I think it's devastating. I see these women and I think about how I have been in their shoes and have felt the way they have. The most recent one that comes to mind is Rehteah Parsons. Her story breaks my heart, but sends an important message. We need to start standing up for survivors. We need to teach that rape is wrong, bullying is wrong, and bullying about a rape is so incredibly wrong. That beautiful girl should never have been treated the way she was.
So a couple posts ago you were freaking out about dating...still feel that way?
I had a heart to heart with Whitney after that one was written. I've come to the conclusion that I need to suck it up and at least try. I'm willing to at least try. So if you're not an old creepy dude, and don't mind taking a girl with some baggage on a date then I'm down. Also men with cat scrapbooks and who like to touch people's faces a lot need not apply ;)
How was your faith affected?
I was never a deeply religious person. When I was a kid I went to religion class, made my communion and confirmation and all that jazz but only went to church when something like that was happening, or someone was getting married, or someone died. I believed in God, but attending church wasn't a major part of my life. After I was raped I wasn't even sure there was a God anymore. If there was, why would he let someone hurt me the way they did? I was extremely hesitant when it came to facing my battle with faith head on. I have finally gotten to a point where I know that I believe in God, I pray constantly (just not out loud....that's a personal thing and something I kind of had a fear of forever. He can hear me though so I don't worry about pleasing other people by praying outloud) and I don't necessarily go to church (I work at a church nearly every Sunday. If the radio in the room is working that day I can listen to the sermon on AM radio) but going to church doesn't define my faith...my relationship with God does. Boo-yah.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for all of the questions! Hopefully a little later this week I will be able to post again but with some exciting news. I don't want to post anything prematurely in case some things fall through so you'll just have to wait :) Also please, please donate to my RAINN page. My campaign only has 15 days left and I am nowhere near my goal. Thank you to the 2 very generous donors who have already made contributions! Love you all :)
http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell
How do you think your life would be different if you hadn't been raped? Would it be different?
I really had to remove my entire assault from my head for a minute in order to come up with an answer to this question. I think my life would be totally different. My relationships wouldn't be as complex as they are now. If I wanted to be your friend in the past we would just have to get along and have stuff in common and BOOM we'd be instant friends. Now, though, you really have to prove yourself to me. My relationships with my family have changed...some of it happens to be a good change, some of it is not. If I hadn't been raped I don't think I would take things as personally or be nearly as offended by certain things. If I hadn't been raped I would still be acting like an immature college student instead of like a responsible adult. I matured a lot in the past 2 years. It's funny though, because I think if you knew me before all of this you can vouch for that. If you are a recent friend you might be thinking "mature!? you act like a 5 year old!" There are times where I do, in fact, still act like a child. It's something I'm still working on and is a type of maturity that will continue to grow with time. I also think that if I hadn't been raped I wouldn't be so needy. My constant need to know I'm doing a good job or to be reassured that people like me gets absolutely tiring. So I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that yes, my life would be totally different if I hadn't been assaulted. Some things would be for better some would be for worse.
LOVE YOUR TATTOO!!!!! Do you plan on getting another one?
Ah thank you!! I love my tattoo too. I think I have found my next one, I want it on my shoulder blade area. It's the words "Let your past make you better, not bitter" in the shape of a heart. It's really cute and the words really speak to what I believe about what I've been through. You all know I constantly say that I was meant to do something with what I've been given, and I truly think that what I was supposed to do starts with bettering myself.
As a survivor myself I know that there are certain smells and things that trigger me. Do you have any in particular that still bother you to this day that you just can't seem to shake?
Oh my stars yes. The one that I cannot get over is the smell of Papa Johns pepperoni pizza. The smell of it makes me absolutely sick. I can eat it, but I literally have to hold my breath so I don't smell it. Isn't that just absolutely ridiculous?
Two year anniversary day is coming up (please don't be mad I called it an anniversary since anniversaries are usually happy and this isn't a happy siutation) are you nervous about it? Do you feel like you'll go through it ok?
Oh gosh I am not mad at you at all! I refer to it as an anniversary too, because what else do you call it? That day 2 years ago that I was raped by an idiot in an apartment? Naw...we'll just call it a two year anniversary! I actually am not dreading it this year. I plan on celebrating it this year. It's my Survivor Day....the day I proved to myself that I could survive in even the nastiest of circumstances and I think that that's worth celebrating, don't you? Heck I might even make myself some cupcakes. I also want to take balloons and tie slips of paper on one color with things that have made me upset the past two years on them, and write dreams and goals and tie them to a different group of colored balloons and release them. That was something that was suggested to me at the hospital last year that I've been wanting to do.
Tell me where'd you get that body from?
I GOT IT FROM MY MAMA.. (Brownie points if you know what song this is from).
But seriously why was this a question?
In the future what milestones or things do you think you'll hit that will be the hardest for you?
I'm about to get really personal. I had to think about this for a long time and have come to the conclusion that I will probably have some issues when the following happen:
1. When I start dating/get a boyfriend.
2. The first time I have sex that is consensual.
3. When I get married.
4. When I have kids.
I feel like all of these things have the potential to have triggering effects on me. Trying to trust men again is what a lot of this comes down to. I know there are good guys out there, I just have major trust issues and it's going to take a lot for me to overcome them. A big thing for me is number 2. My 7th grade science teacher when teaching us about the reproductive system used to start off every class by saying, "SEX. Is a beautiful thing." We all used to giggle and turn beat red because oh my gosh our teacher just said sex. But I was thinking about those lessons the other day and the things she used to say, and I really wish I could honestly view it as something 'beautiful'. Instead my brain recognizes sex as a weapon that was used against me to take away control of my body and to break my spirit. It's going to take so much to get beyond that. One day I know I'll be able to get past that or at least control it....but I do fear the day when I have to try to overcome that.
In your opinion what is the toughest thing about your PTSD to deal with?
My OCD. I have this incredible need to have everything perfect, to constantly be validated (to the point where it is, in fact, obsessive). When people find out I have OCD they expect me to do things like wash my hands obsessively or something physical like that. You cannot generalize OCD to a mental illness dealing with germs. A lot of people with OCD do have that problem, but there are other pieces of obsessive compulsive disorder. I would do things like check my locks 10 times exactly before I went to bed, I would look out my windows to make sure no one was hiding on my balcony. But more than the physical is the mental. The thoughts I have, the things I need to hear. It's difficult because you cannot force people to say what you so need to hear, and I would never want to. That whole part of my PTSD is slowly getting under control, but it is definitely the most difficult to deal with.
How do you feel about people who make rape jokes?
I don't mind when people make jokes about rape culture....because typically those jokes are used to point out how ridiculous our society is. When people make jokes about the action of rape itself, though, I write them off as complete trash and lose any respect I may have had for them. I was looking through my facebook the other day and a girl my sister and I used to be friends with had left a message on one of my notes about 2 years ago. It was a letter thing with blank spaces they were supposed to fill in. One of the lines was "I want to_______you." Most of my friends said things like visit, hug, love. This girl's word she chose to insert? "Rape". Yep. It said "I want to rape you." I hadn't been raped yet but even then I didn't find it funny. Rape is not a joke. And the longer we treat it as one the longer it will take for victims to be treated humanely and respectfully. We need to stomp out these jokes to try and stop revictimizing.
How do you feel when you see things in the news where rape victims haven't been able to bounce back as you have or have given up and taken their lives?
I think it's devastating. I see these women and I think about how I have been in their shoes and have felt the way they have. The most recent one that comes to mind is Rehteah Parsons. Her story breaks my heart, but sends an important message. We need to start standing up for survivors. We need to teach that rape is wrong, bullying is wrong, and bullying about a rape is so incredibly wrong. That beautiful girl should never have been treated the way she was.
So a couple posts ago you were freaking out about dating...still feel that way?
I had a heart to heart with Whitney after that one was written. I've come to the conclusion that I need to suck it up and at least try. I'm willing to at least try. So if you're not an old creepy dude, and don't mind taking a girl with some baggage on a date then I'm down. Also men with cat scrapbooks and who like to touch people's faces a lot need not apply ;)
How was your faith affected?
I was never a deeply religious person. When I was a kid I went to religion class, made my communion and confirmation and all that jazz but only went to church when something like that was happening, or someone was getting married, or someone died. I believed in God, but attending church wasn't a major part of my life. After I was raped I wasn't even sure there was a God anymore. If there was, why would he let someone hurt me the way they did? I was extremely hesitant when it came to facing my battle with faith head on. I have finally gotten to a point where I know that I believe in God, I pray constantly (just not out loud....that's a personal thing and something I kind of had a fear of forever. He can hear me though so I don't worry about pleasing other people by praying outloud) and I don't necessarily go to church (I work at a church nearly every Sunday. If the radio in the room is working that day I can listen to the sermon on AM radio) but going to church doesn't define my faith...my relationship with God does. Boo-yah.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for all of the questions! Hopefully a little later this week I will be able to post again but with some exciting news. I don't want to post anything prematurely in case some things fall through so you'll just have to wait :) Also please, please donate to my RAINN page. My campaign only has 15 days left and I am nowhere near my goal. Thank you to the 2 very generous donors who have already made contributions! Love you all :)
http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell
Monday, April 1, 2013
Happy April!
Today is the start of Sexual Assault Awareness Month! Wear your teal this month, donate to my RAINN page http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell or do something else to help raise awareness!
I've made a new friend on the interwebs who has gone through a lot of the things I have gone through. She's really struggling right now, and I totally remember being at that point and how scary it was. Keep her in your prayers, y'all! She's one tough cookie....she just needs to be reminded of that once in a while :)
I want to write a new Tales of a Survivor post sometime soon answering YOUR questions. It can be questions about me, questions about my assault, questions about rape statistics, questions about anything really. I have so many people reading the blog and I know that not everyone knows me or my story. I will be answering all of these questions in a public forum (my blog, obvs.) so if there is a question that you want answered but aren’t comfortable with it being posted for the world to see, let me know and I can answer it privately. ALSO I will not be posting NAMES on this blog (maybe first names, but I doubt it).
I am seriously down for posting anything, as long as you’re interested in reading the answers :) My tumblr people can message me on here and everyone else can either message me via facebook or send an email to talesofasurvivor@gmail.com :)
I look forward to getting your questions! Hopefully I’ll get enough to warrant a post :D
I've made a new friend on the interwebs who has gone through a lot of the things I have gone through. She's really struggling right now, and I totally remember being at that point and how scary it was. Keep her in your prayers, y'all! She's one tough cookie....she just needs to be reminded of that once in a while :)
I want to write a new Tales of a Survivor post sometime soon answering YOUR questions. It can be questions about me, questions about my assault, questions about rape statistics, questions about anything really. I have so many people reading the blog and I know that not everyone knows me or my story. I will be answering all of these questions in a public forum (my blog, obvs.) so if there is a question that you want answered but aren’t comfortable with it being posted for the world to see, let me know and I can answer it privately. ALSO I will not be posting NAMES on this blog (maybe first names, but I doubt it).
I am seriously down for posting anything, as long as you’re interested in reading the answers :) My tumblr people can message me on here and everyone else can either message me via facebook or send an email to talesofasurvivor@gmail.com :)
I look forward to getting your questions! Hopefully I’ll get enough to warrant a post :D
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