Patience

Patience. I hate that word. Patience is something I've never really possessed. I mean, I can be patient with my students, and some other people. But the problem is, when I want something to happen in my life or I'm trying to make a change....I have no patience whatsoever. So it's no surprise that in May when my therapist told me I no longer needed to see her, I assumed that meant I was cured and I wouldn't have any problems ever again.

Yes I know now that that was stupid. A girl can dream, right?

This dream began when my psychiatrist made a comment that PTSD is completely curable. And so I thought "sweet I'm cured!".  I've found, though, that the memories and the feelings of anxiety, depression, and anger don't really totally disappear. 

I was raped 3 years ago and the past 3 years have been a roller coaster ride! I desperately wanted to be ok. I am ok. But I set unrealistic expectations for myself regarding my recovery and the rest of my life. Those expectations set me up for disaster. I became so frustrated with myself when little things I used to do constantly happened once in a while. I didn't even recognize what a blessing it was that these things were no longer happening every day! I was frustrated when I continuously contacted a friend who I knew was working and busy and panicked when I didn't get a response right away (this was a few weeks ago). I worried that I was becoming a burden and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again because I couldn't get myself together. I beat myself up over it. I never thought about how she had stood by me for the past year and a half, how she took my problems and helped me to face them head on, how she literally did whatever she could to make sure I felt safe and has always given the best advice for processing my feelings. I didn't take the time to remember these things and how she'd been with me through the worst, and a small bump in the road wasn't going to make her disappear. 

That same week one of my good guy friends gave me a hug. It was a sneak hug, I didn't see him coming and that normally (well for the past year at least) wouldn't bother me. I knew it was him, I knew he meant no harm. Yet I bristled. As soon as I felt myself tense up, I was screaming at myself internally. He could tell right away it had made me uncomfortable and apologized over and over and over again. I was frustrated that stupid things like hugs still made me panic. I didn't bother to remember that I'd gone months without reacting that way, and that this was a minor hiccup and not a major setback.  For the record, the next time I saw this friend I gave him the biggest bear hug and apologized for how I reacted. I know he's a good guy, and he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. I think that's why I was so upset with myself. 

These are all things I have to look past. I have overcome a lot of things since 2011, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have a perfect life.  There will be days where I struggle, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I've slipped backwards entirely. I went through a traumatic experience, and some of the effects of that experience will stick with me. I'm not always going to be prepared for when I have minor setbacks, but I vow to try and remind myself of how much I've conquered when they happen. It's amazing that a year ago I was struggling daily, and that I can honestly say today that I rarely ever think about what I've been through. It's not something that constantly pops in my head or replays in my sleep. I am so grateful for the people who have walked along side me, especially for those times when I was convinced I would never get better. They told me I could, and would get better...and I did! But that journey took patience. Patience. That stupid word again. I need to be patient. I need to understand that healing takes time. 

I hope that we all can find the opportunity to be patient with whatever trials we are facing in our lives. I hope you can all continue to be patient with me. Be patient with each other. Be patient in your circumstances. Patience is a tough word, but I think if we can all learn to embrace it, we might find more peace in our lives. 

The Beetle

I just love nights where I can sit outside on my balcony and have some quiet time to read or journal or think. Tonight was a good night to do just that....yes it was warm and muggy, but it was also quiet and peaceful. I was overjoyed to slow down for the first time today and crack open my bible for a few minutes. That's when it happened.

There I was reading a verse from Revelation for an online bible study I'm doing, when I was jolted out of my peaceful time. There it was, right by my bare foot. A beetle. You know the ones I'm talking about, those oval shaped black ones that stick to walls and fly and strike terror into the hearts of all living creatures. Here I am reading about the end of days, when suddenly I'm faced with a creature who is sure to be the end of MY days.

I didn't want that monster sticking in my long, beautiful, silky, wavy, majestic hair. I also didn't want it touching my foot and potentially making its way up my leg and towards my mediocre face. If there were ever a time for me to exclaim "I'm too pretty for this!" it was in that moment. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just sit idly by while this bug plotted my demise. I had to devise a plan.

Girl vs. Bug
I slowly took my foot off of the rail of my balcony and tiptoed towards the door, keeping my eye on my foe the entire way there should he decide to follow me and shank me with his little beetle-y legs. I quickly ran inside and slammed the door shut and tried to think of some humane ways to get rid of this thing. Unfortunately I was going to have to kill it. I had no choice. My neighbor lets her dog poop on her balcony and doesn't clean it up, it's a beetle's dream. I grab a steak knife which is the closest thing to me at the time and head back outside. I would like you to envision the battle that followed. I went after it, the jerk beetle came at me like a spider monkey....but with wings....and smaller....and scarier. I was waving a knife in the air like a homicidal maniac and my neighbors were looking at me funny trying to figure out what was going on. You don't just bring out a knife in the hood for no reason. I managed to scream out the word "beetle" which brought laughter. This was not funny. My life was on the line. Eventually I chopped that beetle in half and left him on the railing as a warning to his little buggy friends.

I realize now how ridiculous this story sounds, but isn't it funny that we react like this to circumstances too? Think about it.

We can let the tiniest of events control how we react and what we do. A tiny beetle dictated how I spent my night. Something so tiny and insignificant made me uncomfortable and scared me enough to abandon what I was doing that made me happy. How many events in my life have I let dictate how I live? A lot. Think about how much time we have on this earth. Every trial we have, every obstacle we face....they seem like a big deal when we think about them. But in the grand scheme of things, they are just little blips. We attack those circumstances, fears, and trials with metaphorical knives the way I attacked that bitty insignificant bug with a real one. When you stop and think about the big picture, what's the point?

That beetle wasn't doing anything. He was straight up chillin' like all good bugs do. Our obstacles come and go and we sometimes do whatever we can to hang onto them and beat them to death. We shouldn't let them have that much of a grip on us. We become so consumed by what could happen, that we don't recognize what is happening. When we obsess about the what ifs, and the maybes, we lose sight of the good things we have. We miss out on a lot.

It seems so silly to me that I could have this huge 'a-ha' moment because of a bug and my fear of it. But truly, think about it. Think about how many times you've let simple things keep you from pursuing something. I challenge you to face those fears of the little things and next time you focus on the what ifs, turn away and focus on the here and now.

Life: Transformed

Hi, my name is Kayleigh and I have been panic attack free for 3 months.

Do you hear that!? 3 months! Praise the Lord!

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be able to say I had gone any significant period of time without a panic attack. It is incredible.

I have been thinking about last year for the past few days. At this moment last year I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was having multiple panic attacks a day. I was a hot mess. Passing out, getting sick, being driven to urgent care, taking an ambulance to the ER. I cried a lot, I apologized a lot, and I finally convinced myself that I had fallen apart so much that I would never be pieced back together.

In the words of Justin Bieber..."I will never say neveeeeeer".

I made it an entire year, and the way my life has transformed is something I never could have imagined. It is truly amazing. I won't lie and say it was easy...it was difficult. It hurts. You purge a lot, and you learn a lot. Sometimes your emotions are overwhelming, and sometimes you feel nothing at all. It is very easy to want to give up. I wanted to so many times.

However, the end result is so worth it. Look at me! I am in such a good place right now. I don't sweat dumb stuff (ok that's not completely true...I handle it a lot better than I used to) and I look forward to each day. I don't dread my life anymore. I embrace it and I move forward and I try and take advantage of each day. I couldn't have gotten to that point without the help of so many. Even my family, who I kind of deserted there for a while. When I was ready, I came back. And they welcomed me back like I had never left. That is the kind of love I wish everyone could experience in their life. That is the kind of love I hope to shower onto others.

Next week is the 3 year anniversary. I have amazing friends who have offered to talk, stay over, eat food. All so that I can get through that crazy day. You know what? I am very blessed with wonderful friends.

I do not dread next week. Will it be difficult? Maybe. Probably. Will it hurt? I don't know that the pain will be as severe as it's been. I feel like it will be more of a sting. Manageable. Present, but manageable. Much easier than it has been in the past.

And in return of the last year, I am trying to show how grateful I am to each person who played a role in getting me through the past year. The way I choose to deal with my emotions this time around is to show everyone in my life that I love them dearly and that I would never have made it this far had it not been for their love, patience, and hope.

I look forward to an even better year.

Spring Break, Perspective, and April Oh My!

Sometimes it takes an outsider to put things into perspective for us. My family and the friends who have been dragged through this trial since the beginning can tell me the same thing, but it doesn't always sink in like it does when someone who came in partway, or has no clue, says it.

This past week was Spring Break and it was spent visiting my family with Amy and Lauren in tow. Our first day there we were talking with my family when someone brought up a person we know who had told me when I was a senior in high school that if I went away for college I would get raped and murdered. 1) Who even says that? 2) I am not the type of person who listens to that kind of thing and lets it stop her. I had a dream, and I was going to pursue it. When I was telling this story, Amy goes, "well at least you're still alive!" and we all laughed. But after I laughed I really thought about it. Talk about having things put into perspective for you. I am alive! I am accomplishing things I had never dreamed of, I have friends I never expected to have, and I have many life experiences under my belt that, had someone asked if I wanted them I would have said heck to the no. Through those experiences though I have been able to do so much and meet some incredible people. I am not saying that if I could have a redo I would choose to be raped and harrassed and basically shunned by my community of friends, however I am grateful that I went through such a trial. There's a difference. Please do not get those two things confused. Non-consensual sex is bad. It makes a mess and many times ends lives. I have been fortunate enough to have crawled out of the pit of despair that engulfs many of us after an event like that, and have found my voice once again. I don't know that my voice really makes all that much of a difference, if I had it my way my voice would cause sexual assault to completely cease to exist, but I do hope that someone somewhere has heard my words and been able to feel a little less alone. It took my best friend saying "at least you're still alive!" and basically everyone saying "one out of two ain't bad!" and a lot of laughter for me to realize that I better be grateful I'm still alive! I've been given a second chance, and not many of us are. I want to seize that second chance and do something bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what that something is. For now it's blogging about my experiences, giving hugs, trying to be kind when I least feel like it...and maybe someday those small acts will turn into big acts and those big acts will turn into a difference.

A few days after we had this conversation we were watching one of those late night talk shows with my grandma when a guy who looked like my rapist was on screen. I said, "That looks just like______________" and walked out of the room. Keeping in mind my new outlook I only left for about a minute and used that minute to plug in my phone and remind myself not to let him or what he did to me control me. That part of my life is over. I was so proud of myself. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

I also have come to the conclusion that I never want to take my life for granted. If I am close with you prepare yourself to have me tell you I love you without a second thought, to get a hug once in a while, to hear about how grateful I am for your friendship and for me to try to be better at being a friend. If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't want there to be any question about how much I love and appreciate the people in my life. I want people to be able to know in their heart that I was so grateful for their presence in my life. You've all been put in my path for different reasons, and I will always be thankful...especially for those who have gone through the craziest parts of life with me.

One last thing...April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Last year I urged everyone to donate to RAINN which is a wonderful organization who has helped countless rape survivors, including myself. This year I am asking you all for something a little different. In honor of all of those who have gone through sexual assault, whether they have survived or not, I want you to seize the day. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone. Let someone know that no matter what they go through, you will be there for them. Hug someone. Tell someone you love them. Listen with an open heart, love with no restrictions. Raise awareness for any cause (but this month especially sexual assault awareness). I still urge you to donate to RAINN, but I feel like we can all truly make even more of a difference if we just start treating people with kindness.

Also please enjoy this picture of me holding a ferocious chick, facing my fears...seizing the day....internally freaking out and looking darned cute doing it.

First Date

I have gone back and forth on posting this a little bit, in order to protect the other party involved. Forget it, there's a slim chance he'll even ever see this and this story is just too good not to share with the world.

So I started talking to this guy for a few weeks and he seemed perf. We liked a ton of the same stuff, he was also a teacher, we were the same age, and he thought I was cute...which I am...it seemed promising. Which is why I didn't hesitate for even a second when he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. My reaction in my head was pretty much this, "OH EM GEEEEEEE OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". My actual response was "oh yeah, sure, that would be fun." I know I know, I am so good at playing it cool. I should get an award. Anyway the date was set for a week later and I was pretty calm, until the day of. See I already had my outfit picked out and everything and then Lauren kind of swept in and was all like "are you really gonna wear blue jeans? What if he doesn't wear blue jeans, then you'll feel stupid. What are you gonna order?" Cue me lying in a ball on the floor of her classroom agonizing over the choices I suddenly had. There was also a lot of me shouting "I'M JUST GONNA CANCEL." I had finally pumped myself back up when everything started to crumble apart. I had had a plan to go home, relax, shower, do my hair....whatever. And then I ended up at work way, way later than anticipated. Then I panicked.

Eventually I made it home with enough time to plug in a hair straightener, change my clothes, and spruce up my makeup. Off I went, looking really stinking cute, to my date. Just so you have a good picture in your head of how serious I was about this let me describe my look of the night. Black long sleeve scoopneck, skinny blue jeans, black glitter flats, light pink infinity scarf, straightened hair pinned back away from my face on both sides.  This date was a big deal. Why? Because it was the first one I had actually gone on in over two years. Yep, you read that correctly, over 2 years.  I passed the restaurant three times before I actually saw where it was and was 4 minutes late. Suddenly I got a text that said "I'm inside sitting in a back booth."
I told him I was coming and was in there within 30 seconds.

So he stands up and goes "oh uhm wow, you weren't kidding you were really coming." No, I am a known liar, I was going to sit in the parking lot and watch, laughing, as you left crying. Puh-leeze. I sit down, and it's really awkward at first, but then we both start talking and it's fine for like 5 minutes until he starts cutting me off and talking over me. Rude. I swear to you this boy talks more than I do. Anyway, he asked if I wanted to split a pizza and I said that sounded good and we started looking at the list of toppings to see what we wanted. Well the waitress walks up and suddenly he's ordering the pizza with toppings we had never agreed on that I don't even like and then points at me and goes "and she'll have a salad on the side" uhm excuse me? The hell I will. I looked at her and said "no I won't" and she scratched it off the pad and walked away with a smirk on her face. He said "I just figured you would want a salad", to which I responded "you thought wrong." Do I look like the type of person who just automatically wants a salad at every meal? I know I've lost some weight and maybe you're reading this thinking "but Kayleigh loves salad!" I do love salad....but don't order me a salad! I honestly probably would have ordered a side salad, but I could not let that slide solely on principle.

I have to sit there listening to him blubber on about how he's such a wonderful teacher and about how every one of his students have told him they wish they could have him for every class (I would most likely throw myself out of a window if I had to listen to him ramble all day just sayin'). Our pizza comes and I stuff my face, not caring that he's watching me eat cause I already know this is not going past this night, and he asks "isn't this the best pizza you've ever had!?" I said, "no.", as I was stuffing the 4th slice in my mouth. I mean it really wasn't very good, and you may be wondering "so why did you eat 4 pieces?" The answer my dear friends, is I actually ate 5 pieces. And he wasn't letting me speak anyway and I had nothing else to do but eat this mediocre pizza. Eventually I fake a yawn and talk about how I really should be getting home since I've had such a long day. He pays the bill (besides getting a great story out of this outing, I also got a free meal, woop woop!) and then we head out. I was hoping he'd just walk to his car, but he decided to walk me to mine first. We get to my car and stop at the trunk and he looks in the back window and sees my UNCG umbrella. The following conversation commenced:

Guy: Is that an umbrella?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Oh. You keep it in your car?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: Do you ever use it?
Me: Uhm, yeah. When it rains.
Guy: Oh. Weird.

Then he starts moving towards me and I get scared. He is very close and I kept thinking "oh my gosh your mouth better not end up anywhere near mine dear Lord have mercy on my soul." All I could think of was I should have eaten more garlic, I should have faked an illness. I wished I could puke on command. He was the last person on earth whose tongue I wanted down my throat. I wasn't too keen on the awkward half hug I had gotten on a date before either, so really I was just praying he would get away from me. I wasn't afraid of him. He was a harmless dork. I just didn't want him to think this had gone well and I didn't feel like having to go scrub my lips with bleach.

He shocked me instead.

Homeboy gave me a pat on the back and said "I'll be in touch". Y'all I almost didn't make it into my car fast enough to avoid laughing in his face. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks and then drove the wrong way down a one way street into oncoming traffic. Poor Little Blue is such a champ I had to throw her in reverse and back up all the way back down the street all while laughing like a maniac. Then I got ahold of my sister and laughed even harder relaying the story.

I have had worse dates...there was the guy with the cat scrapbook, the guy who kept touching my face and the one who smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in my face and then made fun of my cardigan. In a sad little way this was probably the best date I have ever been on. I'm pretty proud of myself for actually going, not gonna lie. Just showing up took a lot of courage.  So he wasn't Prince Charming, oh well. I proved to myself that I could handle it, and I'm glad I went.

However, men of America, take note. If you ever take me on a date don't you dare order me a salad.
Seriously, don't do it.
How about just don't order for me in general. Unless it's onion rings. Or bacon cheese fries. And if those two things were to show up in my face you would have to pardon the fact that I will inhale them and probably forget to offer to share.

Man, oh man dating is fun. Being a crazy cat lady sounds pretty good ;)

I Miss Her.

I miss 12 year old me so much.

How innocent and naive she was. How she thought that nothing was impossible. Depression was just a word, not a daily horror. I miss her carefree laugh, her desire to take on the world. The things that she worried about that just didn’t matter.

I miss her feeling of invincibility. She never knew what would happen to us. She had no clue, and she was able to breeze through her life happy and healthy up until the worst day of her life. 

She didn’t have to fake happiness some days. 

She didn’t have to see herself raped over and over again every time she closed her eyes. 

She didn’t have to worry every time she went on a date whether or not she needed to have pepper spray on hand. 

She told the truth, she never lied. She was honest almost to a fault, but you could tell when she wasn’t ok. Her life wasn’t perfect, but it sure as hell was a lot better than this. 

Depression sucks.

Spring time sucks.

If I could fast forward to June, when things don’t remind me of being raped every second, I would be bursting with happiness.

**I am ok, I promise. I'm both ok and not ok at the same time. I am handling things MUCH better than I was last spring, but I am having a day and just needed to get it out of my system :) *

Purge

Important lesson I have learned this week: you are allowed to purge people from your life.

That only took forever and a day to figure out.

If there are people in your life who don't make you a better person, who constantly make you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself, or who bring constant and unnecessary negativity into your life, then you don't need them.

Don't keep toxic people around because you feel guilty for leaving them behind. Don't keep them around because you're afraid of what they'll say if you walk away. If your friends are not the type of people who will build you up when you're crumbling apart, but only continue to help you crumble, then you don't need them. In fact I cannot fathom why you would even want anyone like that around you.

A friendship is a give and take relationship the way I see it. You should be working to help eachother. You cannot expect complete caring and understanding from one person without being willing to return that care and understanding.

This doesn't apply exclusively to friends, either.  This works for family members, coworkers, and anyone else you may cross paths with in your life.  You do not need to be surrounded by anyone who makes you feel worthless. You also don't need to be surrounded by anyone who only wants to be around when it's convenient for them. Just because you may have to see these people on a regular basis does not mean you need to be best buds or let them know about every aspect of your life.

Should you still be a kind, caring, compassionate person towards them? Yes. You can still possess all of those qualities, and you can still be a kind person, but don't set yourself up to be manipulated. And don't expect the same treatment in return. I think it hurts less if you don't expect a kind word.

People can be snakes. If you have someone around you who is sweet one minute and then talks about you behind your back the next, bump em. You don't need that. And you don't need to stress about that. Obviously that person has some things they are trying to work through. Worry about how you are treating people and don't worry about how others are treating you. If they aren't treating you right, then steer clear of them. But do not, I repeat, do not let that affect how you treat others. Your choices do not need to be the result of the environment you are in.

I am really sick of seeing good people treated like doormats. Many of those people won't purge the negative relationships out of their life because they feel bad about it. Do not feel bad! Don't feel guilty! For the sake of your own sanity purge out the negativity in your life! Tune out the bad and let the good flow in.

Stop trying to please everyone. It is impossible. Plus there will always be someone who will find something wrong with everything you do. If you are happy with the way your life is going, then keep living it. Don't worry about what other people think about it. If you know you're on the right path, and doing the right thing then don't let negative comments persuade you to change.

With all of this being said, I'm starting to purge people out of my life. Does this mean I never have to see or interact with them again? No it doesn't. It just means I don't have to go out of my way to spend time with them, I don't have to go out of my way to make sure they're happy with what I'm doing, and I don't have to worry about any guilt. Things flow a lot more smoothly when you don't let negative relationships get to you.

DISCLAIMER***Some of you may be reading this after being deleted off of my facebook this weekend. This has nothing to do with you. I deleted anyone who a)doesn't post anything ever and b) I don't interact with online regularly.  I see most of you in person and just felt like cleaning out my facebook. It's not a big deal, don't take it personally :)