Perfect Chaos

I glance around the apartment and all I see is chaos.

Half finished projects surround me and I have absolutely no desire to continue them. The love seat is covered with clothes I washed over a week ago. By now those clothes are wrinkled and I simply don't care.  My garbage hasn't been taken out in a week. Dishes still sit in the sink. Socks and hoodies lay on the floor wherever I happened to strip them off after a tiring day. Shoes are stacked haphazardly by the front door, waiting to trip the next person who dares enter. My rug is strewn with leaves tracked in from the parking lot. My winter clothes and summer clothes lay halfway between the suitcases I will pack some of them away in, and the dresser some of them need to be unpacked into. My bathroom resembles the makeup aisle of CVS if there happened to be an explosion. And I perch on the couch taking it all in, not really caring.

Honestly, my apartment is in chaos.

Even worse is my life is in chaos.

The past few months have been a swirl of anxiety, changes, and a roller coaster of emotions. I've struggled to try and take broken pieces and fit them into spaces where they don't belong. My life has been a mess.

This sense of brokenness has taken a negative toll for quite some time. I've started questioning some days if I truly matter in this world. Many days I can answer that question with a quick and sincere yes. Other days I grapple with that question, and those tough days are the ones I remember the most. Irrational thoughts creep in some days, and scare me. I fear a lot. I don't want to fear. I want life back to normal, and to be able to feel a sense of gratitude throughout the entirety of my day.

My brokenness has also managed to bring positives into my life. When I try to fit those broken pieces back together, I am reminded that I serve a God who will always make me whole again. I am reminded that I do matter. I am constantly surrounded by people who love me, and/or appreciate the role I play in their lives. I am reminded that compassion still exists in our world every time I seek help in the middle of a tough season.   I am loved.

Though this current path has been filled with obstacles, it also has brought so many lessons and joy. Things to be thankful for.

For the first time ever I am grateful for my struggle. It isn't easy, but I have learned more about my strength during this time than I ever have before.

I know myself, and I know I will persevere.

Though my life is chaos, it is perfect in its own funny way.