It is incredible to me how simple memories trigger so many emotions. Every season of the year seems to bring different memories I would rather forget, and autumn is no exception.
As the first bitter breeze nips my cheeks, I begin to recall all of the events of my past right after I was raped. This past weekend (even today and beyond) stirred up a lot of things for me.
As I felt that first chill I was transported back to the bathroom floor of my first apartment, sobbing, scheming, wondering what my next steps were. I was so weak when everyone was rooting for me to be strong. Though I tried to play it off like I was an adult who had her life together, I was still just a kid. Just 21. Navigating life is difficult as is, but now I have to go through THIS? I remember curling up on that tile wishing he had never laid eyes on me. Wishing he had never touched me. Wishing I had never made some of the mistakes I felt I had made. For the first time, however, I was also brought back to the moment where a friend's encouraging words changed the vision I had for myself that night. I was reminded of the hugs, the tears, the chocolate, the trashy reality television. I was reminded of the love I was so freely shown, that I was hesitant to so freely receive.
I remember not wanting to love myself.
The guilt I felt swallowed me whole. Grief gripped her spindly, cold fingers around my neck and choked me until I could no longer scream for help. I could hear his words echoing in my head. Grief taught me to use those as an attack. "You're beautiful", he echoed. "You're disgusting", she convinced me.
Grief would sneak up behind and whisper into my ear, "You're not worthy, you are ruined. You are weak."
She can be convincing.
If you try to suppress her long enough, she will fight her way out larger than life ready to fight and make you feel like a loser.
It's sad, but all 21 year old Kayleigh wanted were people to love her.
All she wanted were people who would recognize her silent screams for help.
And yet, when those people entered, she pushed them away.
I remember the harassment I experienced at school and the dread I felt every time I had to leave my house. My once bubbly exterior quickly dissolved. I folded into myself. I tried to hide between fake smiles and half-hearted laughter.
My world was crumbling around me.
I remember the smell of burning leaves, the crisp November air, and the hope that finally began to spark somewhere deep within my soul. And those are the memories that make me smile.
Those are the memories that shoo away grief, and tell her that she isn't welcome right now.
For the first time my fall memories aren't only dark. I am reminded of the kindness of others, the times I was finally able to trust again and the people who stuck around.
Grief is trying to creep her way back in lately, and honestly maybe I need to entertain her for a little while. She can be a necessary companion for a short amount of time. Sometimes she allows us to deal with things we would rather sweep under the rug.
With this season bringing so many memories, I realize that I haven't fully dealt with certain things. Maybe some of those things will never fully be dealt with. Grief is bringing her friends doubt and guilt with her.
In reality I know I shouldn't feel guilty. It wasn't my fault. I can't change the past.
Yet I feel tinges of it every once in a while.
Sometimes I still doubt myself and my worth based on the choices I've made in the past.
But I know that my worth is not based on what I do.
And constantly I worry about what my future will hold. I've felt older these past few months and I catch myself wondering if I'll have the life I always wanted. Lately it hasn't felt like it. But then I remember all of the amazing things I've gained as an adult, and I don't worry as much.
The past month has been rocky. But somehow this time is different.
Somehow I know things are going to be ok.
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