Ruts

Do you ever look back at a moment in your life and wonder, why? Why was I chosen to experience that event? Why did I make the choices that led to that moment? How would things have been different if I hadn't made certain decisions?

I'm sure we all do it. And I am also sure that we each spend way too much time focusing on those moments, whether they were good or bad. What's the point on obsessing over the past? What's done is done and none of us can change that.

Unfortunately it's not that simple.

I used to completely blame myself for what was done to me.  I used to worry about it, think about it, and imagine all of the alternate endings to that particular story. It was useless. It always is. As I said before, what's the point? See, then I graduated to placing the blame on the right person. None of it was my fault, I couldn't have done anything to stop it, none of the choices I made should have had any affect on the choices he made. And finally I got to a place where I decided that I didn't care whose fault it was, I just wanted to put it to rest and not worry about it anymore.  Thinking had taken up way too much of my life already, and I was just going to accept that it happened and move on. Problem solved, life goes on, I am happy.

And then BOOM. Right when I least expected it, right when everything was going as perfectly as possible, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Who knew that one tiny seed of doubt could bring everything crashing back down?

I had a nightmare. Things happened in that nightmare that I never remember happening, but that is how some of my memories of that night had revealed themselves in the past. I found myself caught up in a lot of confusion. What was real? Were they all my fears just surfacing in a dream? And why the heck is all of this coming up now? Now that I'm finally feeling better.

Is this a sick joke? Am I supposed to be strong enough to handle it now? I guess in a way I am strong enough to handle it.

I went a couple of days going through the same things I used to go through. It was my fault. I should have done more. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to be the one to go through it? Why couldn't it have happened to someone more resilient, and not someone who was so sensitive?

And then miraculously after a couple of days those thoughts stopped. I realized how silly it was to think like that. I used my techniques, I cried it out, I phoned a friend...I used all of my lifelines to pull myself back out.  This was a small rut, nothing like the huge dark pit I had spent two years trying to claw my way out of.

A weekend that started off on a rotten foot full of emotional roller coasters, ridiculous (yet much needed) tears and a lot of sleeping (the best cure for any affliction in my opinion), I ended it right. I ended it realizing that I am a lot tougher than when I started this journey. I ended it knowing that I can get through just about anything life has to throw at me, and I can do it with a smile on my face, with friends by my side and a full heart.

I don't have to go through it alone. I don't have to be afraid when some of the tough stuff resurfaces. I don't have to pretend to be ok.  It's ok to not be ok.  I've learned this weekend that what I was experiencing was not self pity, but instead it was my brain trying to wade it's way through the muck.  I learned that everything I've learned through therapy and talking to people I trust is what's helping me deal.  I really haven't dealt with it yet, not fully anyway.  But now I have the tools to deal with it.

The past 2 days could have resulted in me falling back into that dark pit.  But instead I saw it as a bump in the road and moved on.  Not that it was easy.  Ask anyone I talked to freaking out this weekend how easy going it was haha!

Anyway the whole point of this post was to point out that doubting your past is stupid, but it's also a part of dealing with it.  The other point was that you don't have to be strong all of the time, but you also can't waste your time pitying yourself and not trying to work through the parts of life that aren't so pretty.