Blossoming Despite Many Trials

You know what? There are some people  in the world I feel really sorry for.  They are miserable. They don't know how to find joy in simple things, don't know how to laugh at themselves, don't know how talented and precious and wonderful they are, and they don't know Jesus.

I know all of those things. I didn't always know them.

But I learned.

If I hadn't learned all of those things, I wouldn't be at a place today that I am finally comfortable in.  I finally feel right in my own skin.  I've realized that the people who I've been hurt by don't deserve my bitterness. They instead deserve my forgiveness.  I feel bad for them.  I pity my rapist. What a tough life it must be to take something so precious as a sense of security away from someone just so you can feel something.  I don't hate him. I'm not even angry.  And I may even go as far as to say that I'm grateful to an extent that I had to go through such a trial.  I would not have gained the knowledge and confidence and strength that I finally possess had it not been for that night.  I'm grateful for the people who cheered me on and encouraged me as I began to stand on my own two feet again.

In some ways 2 years ago, I reverted back to a child.  The other day a child at school told me that Lauren told them "She's a 7 year old trapped in a woman's body!"  I laughed so hard! Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am just a big kid at heart. I am immature, and I still like to color and I would pick a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese over a birthday at some fancy restaurant any day.  However, the childlike qualities I have possessed for the past 2 years were not the fun qualities.  I whined incessantly.  I needed constant attention and supervision.  I couldn't be left by myself for certain periods of time.  I needed people desperately.  That wasn't a big deal at first, but then I got used to it.  And once I got used to it, I couldn't handle when people would back off and give me space.  People were willing to stick it out and support me at first, but as time went on I became a more difficult person to deal with.  I don't blame any of my old friends for walking away.  Really it was a good thing, because it proved to all involved that those specific friendships were not solid, they weren't true, and they would never survive time.

I am thankful for the friends I have now.  They have proven to me that you can care about someone as if they're blood, even when they aren't.  I have learned what true friendship is and I have learned that I love them a lot.  They saw me at my worst and didn't run away.  Instead they did what they could to help me feel better. They worried about me, they prayed for me, they didn't get upset when I would call them crying over things that now seem silly.  They drove me back and forth to work and doctors appointments, forced me to eat when I would have rather withered away and disappeared.

And they helped me learn about myself again.

I remember telling someone about a month ago "I am so sick of being needy." And her response? "Well then stop." I laughed and thought "is this woman crazy?" She wasn't.  Because the next day I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do without worrying about pleasing everyone else. Making people like me no longer took priority. It worked.

I gained back some independence.  I learned that I like who I am, and I need to be happy with my life. I've only got one shot at this life and I am going to do everything I can to make it a good one.  Simple things bring happiness into my heart. I feel like a human again. I know that I cannot expect perfection.  I know there will be times where certain events will pop into my brain and I might cry, or feel upset.  But I am just so glad I'm not focusing on it anymore.

I am stronger.  I went through one of the worst traumas I can imagine, and I came out ok. I was broken for a while, but I slowly was (and still am) being put back together and that girl ended up being way cooler than the original.  Honestly, if I could survive sexual assault and the past two years of coping with that assault, then I can conquer anything.

I am really just enjoying everything so much right now. God has surrounded me with wonderful people, and He continues to teach me to be content in what He's given.

Life is fun.  I'm overjoyed to be alive!

I also want to take the time to mention that if you ever have questions about what I've been through you can always ask.  A few of you have sent messages asking about things and have said "I don't want this to upset you, don't answer if you don't want to." I always want to answer! Don't ever feel nervous about talking to me about my assault.  A few months ago I may have had a different attitude about how everything had turned out, but now that has changed.  I would love to talk about it with any of you...it was a tough time, but I'm alright.  And I hope that someone someday sees this whole blog and can see how you can move from rock bottom to on top of the world with time and healing and support.

I do have a favor to ask all of you.  I want you to pray (and if you aren't religious go ahead and send good thoughts).  I don't ask that you pray for me, I ask that you pray for the women who are being assaulted as we speak.  Someone in the U.S. is raped every 2 minutes.  Pray that these women will be able to fight through the many difficulties that come with being a survivor and that they find a healthy support system that works for them.

And to end this post, I leave you with a cute picture of me feeding a cute calf. ;)