Ok so it is not unusual to hear that I've become absolutely obsessed with something, but holy guacamole I just need to share with the world how much I love Christina Perri. If you don't know who she is (and I certainly hope you do....if you don't you're missing out), she sings this, this (which came out the same summer I was raped, and I was obsessed with this song), and this for all you Twilight fans. And I just heard her new song Human and I do believe it's my new favorite thing in the world.
I feel like every time she releases a new single she does it with me in mind. It's like she has a 6th sense, she knows what I'm going through, she knows what I need to hear and she writes a song about it. It's like, thank you famous stranger for verbalizing what I'm thinking so I don't have to find words for it. When people ask how I feel I can just quote some song lyrics or send them a youtube link ;)
So anyway I wasn't a huge fan of her first single, but the second one I ever heard was Arms. Let me tell you what the song Arms means to me.
At first that song sounded like the way I wanted to feel about a boyfriend, or something I could say I had with somebody someday. I take things so literally sometimes that I don't see what power words and actions can truly have. I realized that those lyrics didn't mean anything to me that I originally thought.
To me this song was about my mom.
And to me it's still about my mom, but about a couple of other people as well. There are very few people who can heal me with their words or their hugs.
I am a very guarded individual. I know you would never guess it, but I have a hard time communicating with people on how I feel and what I need. I don't know what to say to people, and I don't know how to respond to what they say to me.
I push people away a lot (but I'm getting better at not doing that!). My mom has been one of those people. I never seem to remember any of the good she's done, I always seem to remember that one comment she made that hurt my feelings, or the mistakes she may have made. I never appreciate the times I could feel her love for me. I never appreciate the fact that she made a lot of sacrifices to be my mom. She has been one of the only people who could ever wrap me up in their arms and I suddenly felt safe, and like I was home. The past couple of years I have put up a lot of walls, and she's been able to see right through them. She knows when I'm not OK, and she knows when I'm hurting. Sometimes the best thing for her to do is back off and not acknowledge it. And that's exactly what I need. She doesn't always know what I need, but she's really good at picking up on my cues and following my lead.
There have been times where I couldn't understand how anyone could love me or why they would want to. Which is so silly now, because I'm awesome ok? My mom loved me through it. Both of us are not the best at showing affection (I'll hug mostly anybody, and I'll say I love you to people....but I've never really been like that with my family. It's not that I don't love them....we're just not like that!) and so sometimes I didn't believe she wanted to deal with me at all. Gosh I was so wrong. She doesn't necessarily agree with all of the choices I make, she doesn't like taking big steps back...but she knows that it helps me. She knows I have to make my own mistakes. And even though we don't always agree, and sometimes we fight, she is always standing and waiting.
I know that when I need my mommy, my mommy will be there. I am not the best daughter in the world. I am not perfect. There are times I just don't want to talk to her because I know she'll say something "mom"like. And there are times I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me either. I can almost guarantee there have been times she's just wanted to pop me on the back of my head and call me an idiot, but we work through it. And I know she'll always be there when I'm ready.
I didn't get to choose my mom. I'm glad, though. Because I was born to a beautiful, smart, imperfect woman and I inherited her best qualities. She knows how to make me laugh, she knows about my long lived obsession with ABBA. She's initiated Dancing Queen dance parties in the kitchen, traveled 700 miles to get me out of the hospital, watched me do an interpretive dance while holding a pickle, has been to every play and choir concert I have ever appeared in and she never once complained. When I was raped she was down here as fast as she could be. She dropped everything whenever I said I wanted something. She had no idea what she was doing. She was floundering like a fish out of water, just like the rest of us. This was new territory. No one we knew had ever dealt with something like this before and we had no idea what my reaction would be....what anyone's reaction would be.
She rolled with the punches, she took a lot of abuse from me and dealt with a lot of awful mood swings. This past spring when I had a nightmare and woke up screaming, she was behind me on the couch in the blink of an eye holding me together when I felt like I was falling apart. She let me cry and didn't judge me. I know I don't say it nearly enough, and I know sometimes I seem ungrateful. But (I know you're reading this) I love you, Mom. A lot.
I want to give a shout out to all of the women in my life in NC too who act like my mom sometimes. When I was pushing my mom away you all knew that was the opposite of what I needed to be doing. You knew I needed strong people in my life. But instead of telling me that, you just helped me pick up the pieces and showed me what things needed to be like. You showed me that I really did need my mom.
But you also showed me that there are a lot of loving, caring people in this world who will rally around you and help you back up when you fall as long as you give them a chance.
I love all of you, too.
So I say to you, blog readers of America (and surrounding countries), hug your mommas because they love you and even if you don't act like it all the time you love them.
And to Christina Perri, please keep writing songs that pertain to my life. I love you, too. :)
I love you too! :)
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