I was on Tumblr the other day and stumbled upon a blog that posted the confessions of different rape victims. Each was numbered differently and didn't have names or details...they were all just things that these people were feeling, thinking or experiencing. I realized that I go through all of these things too and that posting some of the things I go through and feel might be somewhat therapeutic. Some of these things are going to make some people not happy (because they are things that make me miserable) and some of them will probably not shock you at all. Some of this stuff is hard to verbalize, because I am so not confrontational at all and I KNOW that if I said anything at all about certain things it would just cause a huge argument. So here goes....
1. Sometimes I replay my rape in my mind for up to 2 hours, trying to figure out what I could have done differently and how I could have made him stop. I literally spend hours torturing myself because I've taken the majority of the blame whether I have wanted to or not. When you constantly have people telling you you're wrong, it's difficult to listen to those who tell you you've done things right.
2. Every once in a while I'll have the type of day where I just want to call my parents sobbing. The desire to call them usually happens after I've dissolved into hysterics, and I know it will scare them. So I always try to calm myself down first to a point, but by the time I've done that I'm too exhausted to even pick up the phone so I never call.
3. Ever since I told my parents about what happened to me I haven't been as comfortable talking to my dad. He knows way more about me then I ever wanted him to. I know that what was done to me makes him angry, but I've never figured out how to just tell him that I'm OK and that I'm going to be OK. None of that is his fault, it's mine because I'm such a baby about it. It's just kind of an awkward conversation to have with your dad.
4. For the longest time I found it so hard to talk to my mom. I knew what I was going through was hurting almost as much as it was hurting me. I found myself getting angry with her because I didn't understand why she was taking it so hard when I was the one being hurt. Some days I didn't want to answer her text messages and phone calls. I was afraid I would explode and upset her or hurt her some more. It's better now...sometimes I find myself getting upset with her when we talk about it and I'm not wanting to hear what she's saying. But I know that she chooses her words carefully and that they are things I NEED to hear.
5. Even though I act big and tough when people say hurtful things to me, it does what it's meant to do. It hurts. It hurts more than you can even know.
6. I haven't been able to go on a date and actually enjoy myself since I was attacked. I'm always on edge. If I catch myself starting to have a good time I sometimes think "no this is not allowed. this guy won't like you anyway. you are too ugly, emotionally unstable, crazy and damaged." I always hate myself for thinking that about me afterwards, because deep down I know it's not true. I'm just scared.
7. I want to talk about what happened to me. Not necessarily all of the time, but I DO want to talk about it. Every time I start to bring it up, whoever I am talking to starts looking really uncomfortable, gets quiet, and can't look me in the eye. I've started talking to myself (literally having conversations with myself) while I'm at home so I can get it off of my chest. It makes me feel crazy, and lonely, and is not as effective as talking to someone else.
8. I miss the encouragement I used to get when I was first raped. It's like once you hit a certain point, all of those daily and weekly reminders that you have people behind you go away. I don't think anyone realizes how much of a struggle it still is.
9. I know I put things on my blog that sometimes poke fun at my situation. But that doesn't mean I like to hear your rape jokes that make fun of victims and the emotions they go through.
10. Telling me that what I am feeling is wrong will not make me like you very much.
11. Sometimes I just want a hug....without having to ask for one.
12. The nightmares I have scare the life out of me. They don't happen often anymore but when they do, they wake me up and keep me awake frozen to my bed and terrified for my life.
13. The song The Great Escape by P!nk makes me emotional and is my new favorite.
I was thinking today and decided that I need to do something more with the hand I've been dealt. I think that some day I would love to start a non profit that gives the victims of date rape the tools, resources, and finances to deal with their struggle. The one thing I had a hard time with was finding support groups and places I could go that catered to date rape victims. In our society this term is still not taken seriously and I would love to be a part of an organization that took it seriously. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to start something like that. That's my new dream.
1.people who have not been in your situation have no right to voice their opinions on the subject. Period end of story. stop listening to others bullshit. Do not accept blame for something you did not create. You were not to blame-EVER. Best you can do is just forgive yourself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
ReplyDelete2.call your parents, immediately, at the first sign of sobbing. this is what parents are for, this is what we signed up for. Waiting to calm down defeats the purpose of parental care.
3& 4. Your parents are upset that they could not save you from this nightmare, that they weren't there to protect you. They will never get over that as long as they live, it's in the hand book. We would kill for our children and when we can't save them from something, we carry that burden. They have to let you deal with it in your own way, when really all we want is to make it disappear magically from your life. You're not hurting them by talking about it, ever. They need to have you talk to them, it's how they know you're doing ok and dealing with it the best you can, in turn it helps them deal also. You're getting upset with Mom is just you unconsciously being upset that she can't make this go away like she did your boo-boos as a kid. If she could, she would, remember that! Same goes for Dad, he'd kill for you, which earns him the right to know everything about you, never be embarrassed about what he knows. Most kids would die for that kind of relationship with there parents. Your rents are very proud of you.
5. seriously, tell people to shut up and remove these hurtful people from your life. Delete, delete!
6.You have every right to be scared on a date. Be aware and be very bold in your intentions. Always meet them there, drive yourself, have a friend on phone alert, until you are ready to go it alone. Things get uncomfortable, leave. Having a good time is allowed, don't think into more than it is. Your odds of this happening again are pretty much non-existent and you're smarter than the average man! Do not talk yourself out of a good time, you deserve it.
7.people are going get uncomfortable, but if they care about you, they'll suck it up! I find that sometimes I get the best answers from myself, don't underrate it, it is good therapy! But you can always call me if you want, not much makes me uncomfortable, seriously!
8.we're all still in your corner, but we are also trying to give you the space to move past this. so we're not as verbal as in the beginning. Tell people " I need a pick me up, what'd have for me" or " I need some positive vibes, hit me"
9.Rape jokes? Really, absolute POOR TASTE people! Just bitch slap them.
10.How do you tell someone what they're feeling is wrong? Who are these people and why do you even talk to them? Vanquish them, the killing curse, something...
11.Free hugs next time your in town. Just ask, I'm always available for hugs :)
12.the fact that they don't happen often is a great thing! celebrate! when they do come, breath deep, think pretty princess thoughts and pet MuMu fur-ball.
13.Music is great for the soul, keep jamming girlfriend!
14.Love your blog! It's awesome and I'm sure out there somewhere you are helping someone else.
Love,
Debbie