I am having so many emotions right now. I am shocked,horrified,disgusted,sad,angry and just upset in general. I got a phone call this evening that was very disturbing and upsetting. It has taken me a couple of hours to even find the words to describe how upset I am right now.
I have talked before about the sexual assault nurse who I saw at the hospital after I was raped. I got a call today from the hospital inquiring about any health issues I had afterwards and whether or not I had gotten pregnant and had a baby due to my rape. I informed them that I had not and asked why. What they told me next sickened me.
The assault nurse has been fired and is under investigation for switching out the Plan B and giving women a totally different pill that was not emergency contraception. They aren't confident that I was given Plan B like I was told.
For those of you who don't know Plan B is an emergency birth control pill. You have to take it within 72 hours of having sex to stop any pregnancy from happening. That was the first thing I asked for at the hospital after I was raped. I did not to be pregnant, I did not want a baby. I did not want a constant reminder of what was done to me, I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle giving up a child, and I could never go through with an abortion because I just don't believe in it (that's just a personal choice, I don't judge any one who has chosen that route) I begged the doctor for that pill because that was the only thing I felt in that moment that I had control over.
Doctors and nurses are supposed to be trustworthy. I shouldn't have to question whether or not I can trust the person giving me medical help. I really should not have had to worry about a nurse who was trained to help rape victims. I don't know who I can trust.
The hospital representative said they were calling everyone who saw her during a certain time period and asking the same questions they asked me. I brought up the fact that she did not do every procedure with me that she was supposed to. He said that I was not the first person to tell him that and that they were also looking into that as well. If she had done her job, he might be behind bars right now and he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.
You know what else I found out? At least 3 other women she examined during that time had become pregnant and had babies after they were supposedly given the Plan B pill. It makes me so sad and I find myself consumed with a lot of "what ifs" tonight. What if that had been me? What if I had reported my rape sooner...would I have had a nurse that did her job correctly? What if I had fought and told her to do every portion of that rape kit even though she thought it would just traumatize me all over again. I would have gotten over it.
I've been crying on and off since that call. I feel sick to my stomach. The world is cruel and life is harsh and sometimes when these things happen I wonder how I was able to even start recovering. This turn of events has me confused and my mind spinning. I don't even know what to do with myself. I could use all of the prayers and support I can get as I try to make it through these next few days sorting it all out!
I'm closing this out with a line from one of my favorite songs right now....Hall of Fame by The Script "You could walk straight through Hell with a smile" I have found myself really relating to that line. Because I have been through hell and I've slapped a big smile on my face and have had a good attitude. For now though I'd love to curl up and cry. Sometimes you just can't be strong every day.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Happy Days :)
I was so busy last week I never had a chance to post! I've been having a great week so I wasn't even sure what to talk about on here since most of the time I talk about the tough stuff. But I decided that I should write down the good stuff too so that later on when I'm having a rough day I can look back and see that things can always get better!
Taking my medicine was rough at first, it was taking my body forever to get used to it but now I'm used to it and it's making me feel sooooo much better! I can tell it's working and I'm so thankful to be able to function like a normal human being and not stress out about everything.
School is going so great and my students are so sweet! It's only the end of October but I can already see how far some of them have come. The way they all support each other is amazing and I love seeing it and bragging about them :) This week was a long week and it absolutely exhausted me, but it was still wonderful. Fall Festival was Friday so it was a long day....brought exhaustion to a whole new level, but seeing the looks on my student's faces when they saw me and all the hugs and smiles I got from them made that long day SO worth it!
Lauren made me go to Biscuitville for lunch yesterday and I'm so glad she did. Soooooo good! I was able to spend time with Whitney yesterday too! I finally saw Batman and we got to catch up and swap stories and it was great. I even went to school for a little while with Lauren yesterday and got some work done. I finally feel like I'm getting caught up!
I am realizing this week that I have so many great things going for me right now. I am so grateful for the friends I've had and for the friendships I'm building. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world and have been blessed with the world's sweetest children in my class. I feel great and hope to stay that way for a long time.
:)
Taking my medicine was rough at first, it was taking my body forever to get used to it but now I'm used to it and it's making me feel sooooo much better! I can tell it's working and I'm so thankful to be able to function like a normal human being and not stress out about everything.
School is going so great and my students are so sweet! It's only the end of October but I can already see how far some of them have come. The way they all support each other is amazing and I love seeing it and bragging about them :) This week was a long week and it absolutely exhausted me, but it was still wonderful. Fall Festival was Friday so it was a long day....brought exhaustion to a whole new level, but seeing the looks on my student's faces when they saw me and all the hugs and smiles I got from them made that long day SO worth it!
Lauren made me go to Biscuitville for lunch yesterday and I'm so glad she did. Soooooo good! I was able to spend time with Whitney yesterday too! I finally saw Batman and we got to catch up and swap stories and it was great. I even went to school for a little while with Lauren yesterday and got some work done. I finally feel like I'm getting caught up!
I am realizing this week that I have so many great things going for me right now. I am so grateful for the friends I've had and for the friendships I'm building. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world and have been blessed with the world's sweetest children in my class. I feel great and hope to stay that way for a long time.
:)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Not What I Was Expecting
So tonight I have the opportunity to go to my doctor and speak to him about getting me on anxiety medication. I was actually excited about this and thinking I might finally start feeling better. He saw me and I told them the issues I was having and he looked concerned. He told me that nothing was adding up so I decided to tell him my background. I would like you to try and picture the look of shock on his face. He was floored and said you would never know what I'd been through by looking at me.
He asked if I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I told him I had been. He left the room and came back and started asking a ton of questions. Suddenly he told me my depression is back which is causing the anxiety and night terrors. Word. He asks some more questions. Then he says "I'm diagnosing you with OCD as well. Sometimes that goes in hand with the PTSD and some of the behaviors like checking your locks at least ten times before bed are definitely not healthy and normal."
I was very upset! I went to get medicine....not another diagnosis. Im still not feeling it, feel a little like chief (someone get me some dang juicy fruit) and hopefully I'll get over it quick. I just needed to write it all out to feel better. I need a hug. LOVE ME.
On that note I'm going to bed....I'm pretty over today
He asked if I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I told him I had been. He left the room and came back and started asking a ton of questions. Suddenly he told me my depression is back which is causing the anxiety and night terrors. Word. He asks some more questions. Then he says "I'm diagnosing you with OCD as well. Sometimes that goes in hand with the PTSD and some of the behaviors like checking your locks at least ten times before bed are definitely not healthy and normal."
I was very upset! I went to get medicine....not another diagnosis. Im still not feeling it, feel a little like chief (someone get me some dang juicy fruit) and hopefully I'll get over it quick. I just needed to write it all out to feel better. I need a hug. LOVE ME.
On that note I'm going to bed....I'm pretty over today
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Above and Beyond
I went to Target this evening to check out the clearance (I am sooooo obsessed with clearance shopping, it's one of my many talents ;) ) and I ran in to someone who I never expected to see ever again in my life. Before everyone gets up in arms it's actually someone I was happy to see! I've talked before about the SAN at the hospital who was an idiot, but I never talked about any of the other hospital staff I saw.
The woman I ran in to at Targhetto was the first nurse I saw in the emergency room, and the first person who made me feel like if I could survive I could do anything. The night I reported my rape and went to the ER I was just in a total state of shock, I could barely function. I was sitting in the examining room with Cassy and a tv was on and on that tv were old episodes of Law and Order SVU. That's exactly what every rape victim wants to be watching over and over again right after she's been attacked. Seriously? I was keeping it together for the most part until I called my mommy and told her what was going on. Somehow admitting what had happened to my mom was something I couldn't handle and I completely broke down and cried. I don't even know that what I did could be classified as just crying. I was sobbing, I couldn't breathe, I could barely speak and I apologized a lot. Can you BELIEVE that I APOLOGIZED for being raped? Like it was somehow my fault? So ridiculous. I remember that during this phone call the nurse walked into the room and immediately walked back out. I figured I had made her uncomfortable with my nonsense.
I was wrong. She returned 5 minutes later with a bottle of water and a candy bar. When Cassy left and Sarah switched in, the nurse sat with me telling me everything would be ok. She told me about her own experience with sexual assault, admitting that she had been raped when she was in high school but never told anybody until years later when the memories finally got to her. She told me she already knew I was strong because I had had the courage to report it, I had stood up for myself and said no, I had FOUGHT. At the time I didn't realize the importance of my conversation with her. That woman sat with me in that room until the SAN got there to do my rape kit. She realized what was on tv and turned the channel, she got me water when I needed it, and she sat quietly and listened to me cry when I needed her to. Best nurse ever.
I had always wished I could have thanked her that night for everything she had done for me, but being so preoccupied I never thought of it. When I saw the nurse at the store I immediately knew it was her, but I knew she would have no idea who I was. I started walking towards her and all of a sudden her jaw dropped and she said "OH MY GOSH I REMEMBER YOU!" And she truly remembered because she started talking about things that only a person who had been in that examining room would know. I was finally able to thank her for everything she had done and I am so glad I had the opportunity to do so.
All and all I've been having a good week, and this just made it better. I'm trying to get an appointment to see my doctor about medications so hopefully I'll be able to say next week that I'm even BETTER. :)
The woman I ran in to at Targhetto was the first nurse I saw in the emergency room, and the first person who made me feel like if I could survive I could do anything. The night I reported my rape and went to the ER I was just in a total state of shock, I could barely function. I was sitting in the examining room with Cassy and a tv was on and on that tv were old episodes of Law and Order SVU. That's exactly what every rape victim wants to be watching over and over again right after she's been attacked. Seriously? I was keeping it together for the most part until I called my mommy and told her what was going on. Somehow admitting what had happened to my mom was something I couldn't handle and I completely broke down and cried. I don't even know that what I did could be classified as just crying. I was sobbing, I couldn't breathe, I could barely speak and I apologized a lot. Can you BELIEVE that I APOLOGIZED for being raped? Like it was somehow my fault? So ridiculous. I remember that during this phone call the nurse walked into the room and immediately walked back out. I figured I had made her uncomfortable with my nonsense.
I was wrong. She returned 5 minutes later with a bottle of water and a candy bar. When Cassy left and Sarah switched in, the nurse sat with me telling me everything would be ok. She told me about her own experience with sexual assault, admitting that she had been raped when she was in high school but never told anybody until years later when the memories finally got to her. She told me she already knew I was strong because I had had the courage to report it, I had stood up for myself and said no, I had FOUGHT. At the time I didn't realize the importance of my conversation with her. That woman sat with me in that room until the SAN got there to do my rape kit. She realized what was on tv and turned the channel, she got me water when I needed it, and she sat quietly and listened to me cry when I needed her to. Best nurse ever.
I had always wished I could have thanked her that night for everything she had done for me, but being so preoccupied I never thought of it. When I saw the nurse at the store I immediately knew it was her, but I knew she would have no idea who I was. I started walking towards her and all of a sudden her jaw dropped and she said "OH MY GOSH I REMEMBER YOU!" And she truly remembered because she started talking about things that only a person who had been in that examining room would know. I was finally able to thank her for everything she had done and I am so glad I had the opportunity to do so.
All and all I've been having a good week, and this just made it better. I'm trying to get an appointment to see my doctor about medications so hopefully I'll be able to say next week that I'm even BETTER. :)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wonder What's Worse
I am SO behind on this! I have been so extremely busy (which is a good thing I think) and I've barely even looked at my computer. Anyway, while I was driving home this afternoon I started thinking about stuff and I started wondering which is worse.....actually being assaulted or being related to/close to someone who has been.
I mean, I know my problems have been extreme, and that I have been struggling for 17 months. But I truly wonder if it was harder to be my mom, dad, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle, best friend. Not that all of those people knew about what was going on at the same time. I'm thinking back to this time last year when I was so depressed I could barely function. I missed my parents so much I would make myself sick, yet going back home was not an option because in some weird way I was happy where I was. One sister had to listen to me complain, while the other one kept it a secret that she had even known I was raped. Grandma didn't find out until I was in the hospital in January and could you imagine suddenly hearing that your kid/grandkid was being hospitalized because of something that happened months before that you were never told about?
My closest friends had to constantly listen to me complain about how hard everything was. They still put up with that from time to time. Everyone I know had to put up with my mood swings, the constant crying, the panic attacks. My roommates at the time were constantly awoken in the middle of the night by my screaming.
This past year and a half has been SO hard for me. It's better now, it really is. I think some of that might be due to the fact I'm so busy. Some of it has to do with how many months of intense therapy. I seriously wonder though if it was more difficult being me during months, or if it was more difficult being someone who loved me and tried to ride it out with me. I know that if roles had been reversed and I was the one comforting, that it would have taken a serious toll on me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have stuck around, just means I know it would have been hard.
In other news, I want a tattoo. I've always wanted one on my wrist, but I think that now I want it on the back of my shoulder. I'm thinking of either a small anchor (like itty bitty) because through everything I've been through I've tried to be strong and maintain my values and identity. I'm also considering a tiny little peace sign. I don't know. I don't even know that I would go through with it since I change my mind so often haha.
Thanks for reading my ramblings :)
I mean, I know my problems have been extreme, and that I have been struggling for 17 months. But I truly wonder if it was harder to be my mom, dad, sister, grandma, aunt, uncle, best friend. Not that all of those people knew about what was going on at the same time. I'm thinking back to this time last year when I was so depressed I could barely function. I missed my parents so much I would make myself sick, yet going back home was not an option because in some weird way I was happy where I was. One sister had to listen to me complain, while the other one kept it a secret that she had even known I was raped. Grandma didn't find out until I was in the hospital in January and could you imagine suddenly hearing that your kid/grandkid was being hospitalized because of something that happened months before that you were never told about?
My closest friends had to constantly listen to me complain about how hard everything was. They still put up with that from time to time. Everyone I know had to put up with my mood swings, the constant crying, the panic attacks. My roommates at the time were constantly awoken in the middle of the night by my screaming.
This past year and a half has been SO hard for me. It's better now, it really is. I think some of that might be due to the fact I'm so busy. Some of it has to do with how many months of intense therapy. I seriously wonder though if it was more difficult being me during months, or if it was more difficult being someone who loved me and tried to ride it out with me. I know that if roles had been reversed and I was the one comforting, that it would have taken a serious toll on me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have stuck around, just means I know it would have been hard.
In other news, I want a tattoo. I've always wanted one on my wrist, but I think that now I want it on the back of my shoulder. I'm thinking of either a small anchor (like itty bitty) because through everything I've been through I've tried to be strong and maintain my values and identity. I'm also considering a tiny little peace sign. I don't know. I don't even know that I would go through with it since I change my mind so often haha.
Thanks for reading my ramblings :)
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