Emotions

Emotions are the actual worst.

My emotions tend to really screw things up for me. I feel too much, too intensely, and too often. When I "feel" I feel deeply. Almost too deeply. Every emotion hits me at once and I can't seem to manipulate my reactions to it. People have told me that don't understand why I react to certain situations in certain ways. You guys don't understand. When things happen, I have the most overwhelming feelings washing over me and it's almost as if I have no control over them. Like today, for instance, I had a student tell me he loved me (after he threw a fit). I had been working so hard to get him to a place where he would be respectful and self disciplined. Literally all he said was "I'm sorry. I love you so much." I was so excited that we'd had a teeny weeny breakthrough that I literally broke down into tears. Most people may feel a small burst of pride...not me. The floodgates were opened and I was a mess and no one seemed able to understand it.

When I mess up, I know I've messed up. I beat myself to a pulp over it, I overanalyze everything I said and did. When I'm angry at someone I get so upset that I cry. Not because they've pissed me off that much, but because I suddenly fear that any bit of friendship that was there will magically disappear. When I'm sad I sink into a state of comatose. I am paralyzed by my grief, even if only over the smallest thing. I will find myself in moments of sorrow so intense that I literally cannot move. People move around me in a blur and I can't make out the words they're saying.

It truly pains me to be like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy the overpowering emotions I have that mute any good quality I possess.  It's not a drama queen thing, it's an extremely sensitive human thing.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with as of late is being told by several people that I have no reason to feel the way I do. I've been getting upset lately, and for the first time in a long time I've actually found my voice and approached those issues head on. I don't think that people are used to me addressing them full force when I get upset. Typically I convince myself that I was fully at fault and that there is nothing that needs to be addressed. However I have come to realize that that is a self destructive mindset and does nothing to help me process my emotions. It also eventually catches up with me and causes me to feel a lot of resentment towards the person I feel has wronged me. I blame this completely on the fact that I don't allow myself to process what I'm feeling. I don't deal with it right away and let it eat me alive until one day I finally explode. And when I do explode it's usually met with a "what's her problem?"  That's because the most trivial circumstances are usually what tips the scale.

I am vowing to start dealing with problems as the arise. Even if it seems simple to you and foolish, please don't downplay what I feel. I have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times in the past that a lot of simple and foolish things bring long repressed feelings to the surface and make it nearly unbearable to function until I can confront them.

If you are a true friend, please just be there for me. Please just help me work through it. Don't tell me I'm crazy or have a bad temper or have no reason to be upset. Obviously if I'm upset it's for a reason...but maybe it's just not for whatever caused the reaction. I know I have a bad temper, and I'm working on it. I feel like feeling anger isn't a problem, but letting it control us and determine our actions is.

Be a friend. Help me process. Let me hug you. Most importantly, pray for me. This emotion stuff is causing me to go through a lot of other things within a lot of friendships and I feel like it's all hit me at once. It's overwhelming and difficult to deal with in a lump like this. I'm trying to be a better person for these people, at the same time acknowledging my feelings, and also trying to make people happy at the same time. Navigating this period of my life is really hard and the struggle is real. Feeling so much is almost too much to bear.

Emotions are a funny thing. Without them we would be nothing, but sometimes they can be too much.

Circle Round There Is No End...That's How Long I Want to Be Your Friend

Before I even get into the meat of this blog I just have to tell the best story ever. So back in my UNCG days I was friends with this girl Cassy. Cassy hated me at first...like really hated me. I guess I can see now why she did. We worked together and I was in a leadership position and had to enforce a lot of stuff. I also think that at age 19 I wasn't quite ready to handle all of that responsibility and didn't do the greatest job leading. I was like a bubbly, annoying dictator. Anyway one night we had to sit our team down for a pow wow when one of the girls just verbally let me have it. Everyone stared in shock and I fought back tears as we continued our meeting. At the end of this meeting Cassy came up and gave me a hug and we quickly became good friends. Such good friends that she was the first person I called when I was raped, the person who came right to my apartment and drove me to the hospital. Unfortunately, as time went on I was terrible at keeping up with people. As of last Sunday I had not seen her in 3 years or talked to her in at least 2. Suddenly at church I look to the other side of the room and see her. My jaw dropped and I quickly texted her to inform her she had been spotted. I went and said hey after the service but didn't really speak with her much. I was so excited that I had seen her that I decided to reach out to her that night to see if we could get together and catch up. So we had dinner Friday and it was so great it's like our friendship was renewed! And we're both still a couple of weirdos. We were talking about my church and I am about to quote her on the best thing she said all night. She said, "I mean I like it, I just kind of get uncomfortable when everybody sings because I don't know the words....also I don't like karaoke." I laughed so hard I cried and people stared. I couldn't help it! I'd never heard anyone refer to worship as karaoke! #dead
Anyway I promised her she'd make it into my newest blog, and I am just so happy we're friends agaaaaain!!!!

That was a good segway into my post because I'm going to talk about relationships. Friends, family, significant others...I'm sure they could all fit under what I'm about to say.

Relationships are hard.

Yup. I said it. They are difficult. Keeping up a friendship is HARD. Keeping up with family is HARD. And I'm sure keeping up with a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is HARD but I have no experience with that so I won't discuss it. Instead I want to focus on friendships. Because they're difficult. And people don't seem to like to admit that.

I love my friends. I love having friends. I love becoming friends with new people. But I am a selfish friend. I like being assured that my friends are truly my friends and care about me. I like knowing that I can call someone about my problems, or about the weird encounter at the Verizon store, or about how I just know so and so is out to get me, or about the weird thing on my face that's like a weird cross between a bug bite and a zit....you get the point. I like hanging out with my friends and trying to talk to ALL of them on a daily basis. But I get sick of being the one always reaching out. And that is where I have run into some trouble.

I expect everyone to be like me. I expect everyone to show love the same way I do. If I hug you and you don't hug me back with the same amount of enthusiasm, I feel hurt. If I text you and you never respond, I feel forgotten. If I come to you with what I think is a problem and you brush it off or don't react the way I want you to, I feel like you're judging me. Not everyone is like me. Trust me I am by no means perfect....I have extremely rough edges. But unfortunately for me I didn't realize that until recently. What did I realize?

I am not a very good friend.

I talk, but I don't listen. I care, but not enough. I love, but not in all the right ways. I try to make plans, but it's because I feel lonely and need company, not because I know you had a rough day and could use some coffee.

I am selfish. I get hurt too easily. I don't express my feelings well verbally. 

That last one is a huge problem for me. I can tell you how I feel very well when writing my thoughts out. But if you expect me to tell you in person, forget it. I avoid eye contact and get extremely uncomfortable. I get embarrassed that I felt any way at all. You know what I realized? It's because I know that I could have done better, and I'm afraid of losing people.

I've realized the true value of friendships the past few weeks, right when I feared that I was about to lose 2 very important ones to me. I've learned it's not always about me, 24/7. Sometimes people we care about have things going on too, and they deserve to be heard. I've learned that sometimes I guess I can tend to love too hard. Sometimes I expect too much from people. Sometimes I don't explain how I feel very well, and important things get lost in the confusion.

I have made some resolutions for my friendships since about a week ago. I am now trying harder to show an interest in my friends' lives. It's not that I wasn't interested before...I would just get sidetracked by the things that were happening in my own life. I am going to force myself to be verbal. I am going to try really hard to actually speak to people about everything I need/want to talk to them about. When I have questions I will ask them...in person not always via text and email. And I won't be embarrassed by it. And I won't allow anyone or anything to make me feel stupid for asking them. (Ok maybe I will be a little bit, but I'm going to try to at least mask it.) I will tell people if I'm feeling hurt and own my feelings. Because if I can't do that, what's the point of bringing them up in the first place? I will be a better listener. I will try to stop taking things so personally.  I'm going to try really hard to stop being so selfish.

Friendships are important. At this point they are vital to my survival on earth...that's a fact I have to accept. I am a very relational person. I need people. Other people bring me joy and energy and that's something I love. I just have to be better at being there for other people.

What kind of friend will you be this week?

Real Talk: Depression

My original thought was that I'd write a happy post this week about how wonderfully my new job is going, but this is much more important. As most of you have already read, Robin Williams was found dead this afternoon from an apparent suicide. Now I am not normally one to get overly upset about celebrity deaths, but this one truly cut me to the core. Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin, Flubber, Hook....these were all childhood staples. That man has had me laughing and dreaming since I was a little bitty thing, and after hearing this news I felt like I really needed to readdress depression on this blog. Depression is an illness that will never disappear from this earth, and we need to become more aware of it. 

Unless you're brand new to this blog, you know that I have struggled with severe depression for the last 3 years, which was one of the after effects of the rape I was a victim of in college. Some of you also may or may not know that I struggled with mild depression during my freshman year of college. I remember so many times that I have confided in people where they expressed disbelief because "you're so happy all of the time!" and "you have nothing to be depressed about." It is so important to understand that we do not choose depression. Depression finds us and envelopes it with it's dark, icy embrace. 

Depression is a chemical imbalance. It can also be caused by stressful events, medication, faulty mood regulation, and genetics. Depression is not as simple as sadness. We cannot take one emotion and slap it onto the word depression, thinking that it explains everything. The dictionary definition of depression in the psychiatric sense:

 a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason. (dictionary.com)

You aren't just sad. You have no sense of purpose, no sense of self worth. You go through long stretches of time where it's easier to remain hidden in your home, than face the world. Just because someone seems to be outwardly happy, doesn't mean they aren't battling internal demons. 

I always pictured my depression as a black speck. Most of the time that speck stays hidden way in the back of my noggin. I rarely think about it. But then, something will trigger that speck and it starts to expand. Imagine like an oil spill in the sea....it starts to seep into every crevice of my brain. It takes over and negates every positive thought, every urge to succeed. It whispers to me that I would be better off alone. That no one cares. That I am worth nothing. That I am a burden. That I am useless. Unwanted. And my brain doesn't have the proper equipment to fight it off. 

My brain also cannot produce effective ways to cry out for help, because it feels like it (I) doesn't deserve help. Inside I know I desperately want someone to reach out, offer a word of encouragement, help me fix my brain. I just don't know how. And I truly believe that that is the point where many people give up and decide they cannot take it anymore. Life is too hard, it isn't worth the fight, and even if it was worth it they wouldn't know how to fight anyway. Oh, how many times I've felt this! My story, however, is different. I am blessed beyond measure. I have been surrounded by people who are extremely intuitive, who know me and care about me more than I could ever fathom. They've seen the red flags, and instead of letting it go, they jumped onto the problem and did what they could to help. Medications and therapy are what have always gotten me through. 

I am not saying there is always a way to "fix" it. Sometimes medicine doesn't work. Sometimes therapy makes it worse by bringing a lot of muck to the surface. I do think, though, that if we all made ourselves more aware of the warning signs we could make a difference. I think if we approached the topic of depression and mental illness in general, in a more meaningful way, that we could bring about a lot of change.

People who commit suicide are not selfish. Often they belief in their heart of hearts that they are doing what is best for their loved ones, that they are relieving a burden. Yes, death often hurts those around us more than anything we could do in our lives, but when you are struggling with severe depression you don't have the resources to realize that. I remember hearing of a suicide back in December and was ashamed to know the people who claimed this individual was heartless and selfish and that they were disgusted. They weren't selfish and heartless. They were sick. A disease of the brain should not be treated any differently than a disease of the heart.

Stop treating mental illness like it isn't valid. Keep an eye out for the warning signs. The happiest people have often times suffered the most. 

Love eachother. Understand eachother. 

Most importantly, let us not allow our misconceptions to prevent us from enhancing and possibly saving a life. 

Tragedy can so many times be prevented. 

Step up.

Patience

Patience. I hate that word. Patience is something I've never really possessed. I mean, I can be patient with my students, and some other people. But the problem is, when I want something to happen in my life or I'm trying to make a change....I have no patience whatsoever. So it's no surprise that in May when my therapist told me I no longer needed to see her, I assumed that meant I was cured and I wouldn't have any problems ever again.

Yes I know now that that was stupid. A girl can dream, right?

This dream began when my psychiatrist made a comment that PTSD is completely curable. And so I thought "sweet I'm cured!".  I've found, though, that the memories and the feelings of anxiety, depression, and anger don't really totally disappear. 

I was raped 3 years ago and the past 3 years have been a roller coaster ride! I desperately wanted to be ok. I am ok. But I set unrealistic expectations for myself regarding my recovery and the rest of my life. Those expectations set me up for disaster. I became so frustrated with myself when little things I used to do constantly happened once in a while. I didn't even recognize what a blessing it was that these things were no longer happening every day! I was frustrated when I continuously contacted a friend who I knew was working and busy and panicked when I didn't get a response right away (this was a few weeks ago). I worried that I was becoming a burden and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again because I couldn't get myself together. I beat myself up over it. I never thought about how she had stood by me for the past year and a half, how she took my problems and helped me to face them head on, how she literally did whatever she could to make sure I felt safe and has always given the best advice for processing my feelings. I didn't take the time to remember these things and how she'd been with me through the worst, and a small bump in the road wasn't going to make her disappear. 

That same week one of my good guy friends gave me a hug. It was a sneak hug, I didn't see him coming and that normally (well for the past year at least) wouldn't bother me. I knew it was him, I knew he meant no harm. Yet I bristled. As soon as I felt myself tense up, I was screaming at myself internally. He could tell right away it had made me uncomfortable and apologized over and over and over again. I was frustrated that stupid things like hugs still made me panic. I didn't bother to remember that I'd gone months without reacting that way, and that this was a minor hiccup and not a major setback.  For the record, the next time I saw this friend I gave him the biggest bear hug and apologized for how I reacted. I know he's a good guy, and he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. I think that's why I was so upset with myself. 

These are all things I have to look past. I have overcome a lot of things since 2011, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have a perfect life.  There will be days where I struggle, and that's ok. It doesn't mean I've slipped backwards entirely. I went through a traumatic experience, and some of the effects of that experience will stick with me. I'm not always going to be prepared for when I have minor setbacks, but I vow to try and remind myself of how much I've conquered when they happen. It's amazing that a year ago I was struggling daily, and that I can honestly say today that I rarely ever think about what I've been through. It's not something that constantly pops in my head or replays in my sleep. I am so grateful for the people who have walked along side me, especially for those times when I was convinced I would never get better. They told me I could, and would get better...and I did! But that journey took patience. Patience. That stupid word again. I need to be patient. I need to understand that healing takes time. 

I hope that we all can find the opportunity to be patient with whatever trials we are facing in our lives. I hope you can all continue to be patient with me. Be patient with each other. Be patient in your circumstances. Patience is a tough word, but I think if we can all learn to embrace it, we might find more peace in our lives. 

The Beetle

I just love nights where I can sit outside on my balcony and have some quiet time to read or journal or think. Tonight was a good night to do just that....yes it was warm and muggy, but it was also quiet and peaceful. I was overjoyed to slow down for the first time today and crack open my bible for a few minutes. That's when it happened.

There I was reading a verse from Revelation for an online bible study I'm doing, when I was jolted out of my peaceful time. There it was, right by my bare foot. A beetle. You know the ones I'm talking about, those oval shaped black ones that stick to walls and fly and strike terror into the hearts of all living creatures. Here I am reading about the end of days, when suddenly I'm faced with a creature who is sure to be the end of MY days.

I didn't want that monster sticking in my long, beautiful, silky, wavy, majestic hair. I also didn't want it touching my foot and potentially making its way up my leg and towards my mediocre face. If there were ever a time for me to exclaim "I'm too pretty for this!" it was in that moment. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just sit idly by while this bug plotted my demise. I had to devise a plan.

Girl vs. Bug
I slowly took my foot off of the rail of my balcony and tiptoed towards the door, keeping my eye on my foe the entire way there should he decide to follow me and shank me with his little beetle-y legs. I quickly ran inside and slammed the door shut and tried to think of some humane ways to get rid of this thing. Unfortunately I was going to have to kill it. I had no choice. My neighbor lets her dog poop on her balcony and doesn't clean it up, it's a beetle's dream. I grab a steak knife which is the closest thing to me at the time and head back outside. I would like you to envision the battle that followed. I went after it, the jerk beetle came at me like a spider monkey....but with wings....and smaller....and scarier. I was waving a knife in the air like a homicidal maniac and my neighbors were looking at me funny trying to figure out what was going on. You don't just bring out a knife in the hood for no reason. I managed to scream out the word "beetle" which brought laughter. This was not funny. My life was on the line. Eventually I chopped that beetle in half and left him on the railing as a warning to his little buggy friends.

I realize now how ridiculous this story sounds, but isn't it funny that we react like this to circumstances too? Think about it.

We can let the tiniest of events control how we react and what we do. A tiny beetle dictated how I spent my night. Something so tiny and insignificant made me uncomfortable and scared me enough to abandon what I was doing that made me happy. How many events in my life have I let dictate how I live? A lot. Think about how much time we have on this earth. Every trial we have, every obstacle we face....they seem like a big deal when we think about them. But in the grand scheme of things, they are just little blips. We attack those circumstances, fears, and trials with metaphorical knives the way I attacked that bitty insignificant bug with a real one. When you stop and think about the big picture, what's the point?

That beetle wasn't doing anything. He was straight up chillin' like all good bugs do. Our obstacles come and go and we sometimes do whatever we can to hang onto them and beat them to death. We shouldn't let them have that much of a grip on us. We become so consumed by what could happen, that we don't recognize what is happening. When we obsess about the what ifs, and the maybes, we lose sight of the good things we have. We miss out on a lot.

It seems so silly to me that I could have this huge 'a-ha' moment because of a bug and my fear of it. But truly, think about it. Think about how many times you've let simple things keep you from pursuing something. I challenge you to face those fears of the little things and next time you focus on the what ifs, turn away and focus on the here and now.

Life: Transformed

Hi, my name is Kayleigh and I have been panic attack free for 3 months.

Do you hear that!? 3 months! Praise the Lord!

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be able to say I had gone any significant period of time without a panic attack. It is incredible.

I have been thinking about last year for the past few days. At this moment last year I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was having multiple panic attacks a day. I was a hot mess. Passing out, getting sick, being driven to urgent care, taking an ambulance to the ER. I cried a lot, I apologized a lot, and I finally convinced myself that I had fallen apart so much that I would never be pieced back together.

In the words of Justin Bieber..."I will never say neveeeeeer".

I made it an entire year, and the way my life has transformed is something I never could have imagined. It is truly amazing. I won't lie and say it was easy...it was difficult. It hurts. You purge a lot, and you learn a lot. Sometimes your emotions are overwhelming, and sometimes you feel nothing at all. It is very easy to want to give up. I wanted to so many times.

However, the end result is so worth it. Look at me! I am in such a good place right now. I don't sweat dumb stuff (ok that's not completely true...I handle it a lot better than I used to) and I look forward to each day. I don't dread my life anymore. I embrace it and I move forward and I try and take advantage of each day. I couldn't have gotten to that point without the help of so many. Even my family, who I kind of deserted there for a while. When I was ready, I came back. And they welcomed me back like I had never left. That is the kind of love I wish everyone could experience in their life. That is the kind of love I hope to shower onto others.

Next week is the 3 year anniversary. I have amazing friends who have offered to talk, stay over, eat food. All so that I can get through that crazy day. You know what? I am very blessed with wonderful friends.

I do not dread next week. Will it be difficult? Maybe. Probably. Will it hurt? I don't know that the pain will be as severe as it's been. I feel like it will be more of a sting. Manageable. Present, but manageable. Much easier than it has been in the past.

And in return of the last year, I am trying to show how grateful I am to each person who played a role in getting me through the past year. The way I choose to deal with my emotions this time around is to show everyone in my life that I love them dearly and that I would never have made it this far had it not been for their love, patience, and hope.

I look forward to an even better year.

Spring Break, Perspective, and April Oh My!

Sometimes it takes an outsider to put things into perspective for us. My family and the friends who have been dragged through this trial since the beginning can tell me the same thing, but it doesn't always sink in like it does when someone who came in partway, or has no clue, says it.

This past week was Spring Break and it was spent visiting my family with Amy and Lauren in tow. Our first day there we were talking with my family when someone brought up a person we know who had told me when I was a senior in high school that if I went away for college I would get raped and murdered. 1) Who even says that? 2) I am not the type of person who listens to that kind of thing and lets it stop her. I had a dream, and I was going to pursue it. When I was telling this story, Amy goes, "well at least you're still alive!" and we all laughed. But after I laughed I really thought about it. Talk about having things put into perspective for you. I am alive! I am accomplishing things I had never dreamed of, I have friends I never expected to have, and I have many life experiences under my belt that, had someone asked if I wanted them I would have said heck to the no. Through those experiences though I have been able to do so much and meet some incredible people. I am not saying that if I could have a redo I would choose to be raped and harrassed and basically shunned by my community of friends, however I am grateful that I went through such a trial. There's a difference. Please do not get those two things confused. Non-consensual sex is bad. It makes a mess and many times ends lives. I have been fortunate enough to have crawled out of the pit of despair that engulfs many of us after an event like that, and have found my voice once again. I don't know that my voice really makes all that much of a difference, if I had it my way my voice would cause sexual assault to completely cease to exist, but I do hope that someone somewhere has heard my words and been able to feel a little less alone. It took my best friend saying "at least you're still alive!" and basically everyone saying "one out of two ain't bad!" and a lot of laughter for me to realize that I better be grateful I'm still alive! I've been given a second chance, and not many of us are. I want to seize that second chance and do something bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what that something is. For now it's blogging about my experiences, giving hugs, trying to be kind when I least feel like it...and maybe someday those small acts will turn into big acts and those big acts will turn into a difference.

A few days after we had this conversation we were watching one of those late night talk shows with my grandma when a guy who looked like my rapist was on screen. I said, "That looks just like______________" and walked out of the room. Keeping in mind my new outlook I only left for about a minute and used that minute to plug in my phone and remind myself not to let him or what he did to me control me. That part of my life is over. I was so proud of myself. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

I also have come to the conclusion that I never want to take my life for granted. If I am close with you prepare yourself to have me tell you I love you without a second thought, to get a hug once in a while, to hear about how grateful I am for your friendship and for me to try to be better at being a friend. If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't want there to be any question about how much I love and appreciate the people in my life. I want people to be able to know in their heart that I was so grateful for their presence in my life. You've all been put in my path for different reasons, and I will always be thankful...especially for those who have gone through the craziest parts of life with me.

One last thing...April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Last year I urged everyone to donate to RAINN which is a wonderful organization who has helped countless rape survivors, including myself. This year I am asking you all for something a little different. In honor of all of those who have gone through sexual assault, whether they have survived or not, I want you to seize the day. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone. Let someone know that no matter what they go through, you will be there for them. Hug someone. Tell someone you love them. Listen with an open heart, love with no restrictions. Raise awareness for any cause (but this month especially sexual assault awareness). I still urge you to donate to RAINN, but I feel like we can all truly make even more of a difference if we just start treating people with kindness.

Also please enjoy this picture of me holding a ferocious chick, facing my fears...seizing the day....internally freaking out and looking darned cute doing it.