This past weekend I was so blessed to be able to attend my church's women's retreat in the mountains and I have had so many thoughts about it since I came home yesterday. I have found that getting my thoughts and emotions down in writing always helps me to process, plus I learned so many things worth sharing. Two of the topics we talked about this weekend were fear and forgiveness. Wow. I looked at the outlines when I arrived on Friday and thought "Meh. I don't really have an issue with either of these things right now." Oh how wrong I was.
I am sitting in an auditorium, full of chatty laughing women, having just a great time. I was unsuspecting. Fear. I don't have fear anymore! I paid a therapist a lot of money so I no longer held onto my fears! I have Jesus! I am fearless, I am courageous, I am tough. And then, our session began. Sidenote: Pat Harley is an AMAZING speaker! I was so blessed by her words all weekend. Ok anyway, Pat starts speaking and I'm taking notes and sort of thinking with like 1/8 of my brain. The more I listened, however, the more unsettled I felt. And that's when it hit me like a pillowcase full of cinderblocks: I am not fearless. I am not the courageous, strong person I once tricked myself into thinking I was. I am a coward. I have been holding onto so many fears stemming from other fears that I had rid myself of long ago. Tears sprung to my eyes as I quickly began to understand that I was letting fear run my life 99% of the time. Honestly, all of the fears I hold on to are a)a result of my rape and b)things I didn't categorize as a fear.
You see, I always viewed fears as things that were BIG DEALS. For example, a fear of heights, a fear of being killed, etc. I used to fear my rapist. I used to fear leaving my house because there are terrible people in the world and I didn't want to experience any more physical and mental pain. I don't fear those things any more. What do I fear? I fear being abandoned. I lost all of my friends once, and I am always fearful that it will happened again. The odds of it happening in a large group which was the case when I was assaulted, are very slim. However I always seem to panic when I think I'm annoying someone or talking too much. I am afraid that one or two people will decide I am too much trouble and leave. I fear screwing up my job. I fear never being in a relationship. I fear saying the wrong thing. I have so many 'little' fears, but I was shown that these little fears make it possible for me to slip up in big ways. Acting on these little fears causes big sin. I was forced to see that I was placing all of these fears as idols, and wasn't following Jesus as closely or fervently as I claimed. My fear was controlling every single action I had, but no more. One of the most powerful things I was able to do at this retreat was write down these fears on a piece of paper and lay it at the foot of the cross. I gave it to Jesus and that is where it will stay.
Forgiveness was the second topic of the day. I have struggled with forgiveness for an extremely long amount of time. When you are filled with as much anger and hurt as I am, it sometimes seems near impossible to forgive anyone. I was completely fine during this session until I decided to write out who I needed to forgive and for what. And then I lost it. For the second time that day I was able to give it to Jesus. After I made that decision, I sat and cried for a long time...it was draining. I have held on to so much anger. I can't be free until I choose to forgive. I was always under the false assumption that forgiveness is a 'one and done' deal. I could forgive once and would never need to again. I realized on Saturday that for awhile this is going to be a daily battle. I am going to have to choose to forgive every. single. day. Most days I need to forgive the same people for the exact same things. And that's ok. But I HAVE to do it. I can still have boundaries, and forgiving doesn't mean their actions are ok. But man alive, if I can't forgive others how can I ever expect them to forgive me? And why do I continue to put myself through the torture of anger and sadness?
The biggest take away from these experiences is that I need to stop holding on and give it to God.
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