I've blogged before (probably about 2 years ago) about triggers, but a 'new' one has wormed its way into existence and it has been really interesting to me to observe how it plays itself out. First, let me explain what a trigger is to those of you who may be confused. I didn't hear that word used so frequently until I was raped. I was constantly asked by therapists and psychiatrists "so what triggered you?" Uhm. What? So basically a trigger is one thing that happens that causes some type of reaction. I used to have (and still do have) certain specific triggers. The most prevalent ones I experienced were mint, pepperoni pizza, touch, compliments on my appearance and the song Smells Like Teen Spirit. I have gotten through those, and they don't create a negative reaction for me anymore, which is great because I love pepperoni pizza and hearing how pretty I am ;). When I would smell, hear or taste all of those things I would have panic attacks. I would get nauseas and sometimes throw up. If someone touched my arm or gave me a hug once during a day when I didn't want them to, I might have nightmares/ night terrors that night. Fortunately I have come a long way in 3 years and I don't have severe reactions (if any reaction) to those things anymore.
Recently I have started having nightmares again and experienced some paranoia, especially at night. I couldn't quite place a finger on the larger, underlying issue. My typical triggers weren't doing it. Usually with those things I have a kind of physical warning like an adrenaline rush or increased heart rate. It's hard to explain. I kept a log of everything that was happening throughout the day and whether or not I experienced nightmares and/or paranoia that night. What I found was that the days my everyday stress increased, my nightmares and paranoia came rushing back. It has been really strange to try and wrap my brain around how the normal stress of work deadlines, relationships, and finances can trigger nightmares and fears attributed to my rape. In my mind, these things don't correlate. Why am I experiencing flashbacks and the weird dreams I had when I was first assaulted? Who knows. I guess I've shoved the memories so far into my subconcious that it just tries to find ways to creep back out.
Last night was the worst. I was getting ready for bed and heard a loud noise. It was just the front door into my building; the girl upstairs lets it slam shut when she comes in and it always makes my apartment door shake a little. Normally it doesn't bother me. Last night it sent me into a complete fit. My heart was racing, tears pricked my eyes, and I had to fight the urge to scream. Then, out of nowhere I started thinking about the possibility of someone hiding in my apartment. I crept around and flipped on every light, armed with a small pink canister of pepper spray in my right hand. I checked under the couch, behind the loveseat, behind the edge of the kitchen counter, under my bed, the side of my bed, in my closet, behind the hutch (no one would be able to fit back there), behind the dresser (or there), behind the bathroom door and made sure to fling back the shower curtain. Then I started thinking about how awful it would be to look out of a window to see a face staring back. Cue Kayleigh looking through every window and hanging a blanket over the ones she did not think the blinds properly covered. It was awful, I felt like a crazy person. But I couldn't stop. I. Couldn't. Stop. It was like I had no control over my own body. My brain was screaming to stop, but my legs kept pulling me forward.
The nightmares last night were pretty gnarly too. They were mostly flashbacks, with some extra trauma added in (because rape flashbacks totally need extra awfulness layered on). In one I was able to run away only to find myself trapped in a funhouse and raped all over again. In another, I was older and had a daughter of my own. Instead of me being assaulted, my imagined daughter was. That was pretty terrible. All of this brought on because everyday stress is getting the best of me. When things get a little tough, I seem to start slowly unraveling at the edges.
I guess the whole point is that I now understand how triggers don't have to be as specific as I thought. They can actually be pretty generic. Even though the past couple of weeks have been rough dealing with all of this, I actually feel an unusual sense of comfort knowing that you never really completely recover. Like, I never understood how I could be doing so well and how I could just suddenly not be affected by such a big life event. Now I know, though, that things aren't always going to be perfect. I will carry it with me forever, but it doesn't have to own my life. Like I said, there's something strangely comforting about that reality.
Anyway, pray for me yall. I need it. I would like to stop feeling terrorized by my own mind at night.
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