Cherish the Present, Reflect on the Past

I never understood the importance of certain events in my life until I reflected back on them later. Some of the memories I cherish most are the ones I wish I had appreciated more while I was in the moment. This following post will be chock full of memories and pictures. Some of these will be funny, some of them sad, some of them will seem like meaningless tidbits of my life. I have come to realize, however, that even those moments that seemed meaningless have had the most profound affect on the rest of my life.

I believe that we take way too many things for granted. We take our families for granted. We take our friends for granted. We take ourselves for granted.

We worry so much about how we are perceived by the world around us that we get lost in that and we aren't truly living. We aren't appreciating who we are and what we have. This is something I need to be reminded of almost daily and fortunately I have people who are good at bringing me back to focus.

None of us should ever have to apologize for who we are. If my personality grates on your nerves I can't do anything about that. I am a bubbly person. I would rather play more and be serious less. I will joke with you, I will initiate banter, I will laugh audibly (extremely audibly) and I always seem to worry about how all of those traits will be perceived by everyone I come in contact with. That's who I am. I can't help it and I need to stop apologizing for it.

A few months ago a friend bought me a book about journaling, and a journal to go along with it. I have been using both of those tools a lot lately and have too often found myself reminiscing about periods of my life that I let pass by without a second thought. Our lives are so incredibly complex that I don't feel like we can categorize them into simple time slots like "childhood" and "college" and "adulthood". There were way more periods of my life.

The great thing about reflecting is that going back I have been able to find the good in even the most dire of circumstances. I am going to list some of the events and periods I have thought about and talk about them a little. I'm going to include some photographs too....mainly because I am obsessed with pictures.

1. One of the first events I reflected on was the year I lost both of my grandfathers. I lost my Grandpa on my mom's side 3 days before my 11th birthday. I loved my grandpa and though it hurt to watch him get so sick, I wasn't ready to let him go. As a kid he taught me how to use a typewriter, that chives are delicious, how to play softball, and a bunch of other things. 2 months and a week later we lost my other Grandpa to the same illness and as an 11 year old that was all really hard to handle. Looking back I have realized that although that was a difficult time for my whole family, there was some good that resulted. Going through those trials created an incredible bond between me and my Grandma...one I wouldn't change for anything. She is awesome and I hope I'm a lot like her when I get old. 
   
2. A period of time I didn't appreciate enough were my college years. I let 4 years of amazing memories become clouded by one year of difficult ones. That isn't fair to the other 3 years of college I experienced. College was freakin' awesome! I made so many friends, and have so many fond memories of the times we all spent together. Many of those friendships did not last, but I'm mature enough to realize now that not all relationships are going to last. Some people pop into our lives for a reason, and pop out almost as soon as their purpose has been served. And that's ok. Others stick around for life and that's great too! Just because I don't keep in touch with certain people doesn't mean the relationships I had with them were pointless. Putting aside the drama, college was (brace yourselves for a huge cliche) a time I really spent finding myself and figuring out who I was. And dangit by the time I graduated I still wasn't sure who the heck I was or what I was supposed to do with my life! If anything I was more confused than ever! Looking back on those years, though, I really was developing into the person I am now. It took a lot of heartache, laughter, and really strange experiences (mainly seeing people walking around campus being odd...there was one girl who dressed up like Pocahontas everyday for a month), but in all of that I was figuring out what I stood for and what kind of impact I wanted to leave on the world. At the time I was trying to bring joy to people....usually at my own expense ;)

• Middle School. Those were dark times. I got picked on by this one girl all of the time and I still bare scars from that. I tend to push the middle school era of my life out of my mind. I remember spending some days eating lunch in the bathroom because I had had it with people. I lost my friend Amanda when I was in middle school (one of the hardest things to go through....she wasn't the first person my age I had lost, but I was finally old enough to deeply understand that someone I cared about so much wasn't coming back). My friends were all getting boyfriends (what a JOKE in middle school, man!) and I was boy crazy. I was also super awkward looking with my chubby face, frizzy hair, braces and lack of fashion sense. Praise God I discovered makeup and the American Eagle clearance rack in high school. As tough as ages 11-14 were for me, I learned a lot. I learned how to determine who my true friends were, how to stay true to myself even when it was difficult, and how to be comfortable with keeping myself company from time to time. So take THAT middle school! You can bring me down, but eventually I'll pop back up.
• High school was fun. I gained friends, lost friends, argued with people whose opinions of me should never have mattered in the first place, struggled with the way I looked, happily coordinated trips to the mall with friends, and struggled to grow up. I wasn't necessarily happy about having to grow up (and who am I kidding, I STILL haven't grown up) and it was strange watching the people around me change. Funny thing was, I was changing too! It's cool to look back and be able to recognize when my friends became their own people. I always tell people I was lame and had no friends in high school, but I was super involved at school. I was the vice president of Character Council (I know a certain girl who shall remain unnamed is going to see this and start laughing), I was in Outdoor Club, I was in the musical once and was active in Playfest. I loved my role in all of those activities (especially Outdoor Club...I loved going camping). They were a good way to experience the world around me and meet more people, too! I was a music nerd and was in choir all 4 years of school. I never really realized how much those things impacted me. 

• The last point of my life I've been reflecting on recently is the present. From gradutaion from UNCG to now. I have gone through many changes. I got a real live big girl job, new friends, and I have experienced so many ups and downs I can't keep track. Life isn't always a piece of cake. I am grateful for the people in this period of my life who keep me grounded and who remind me that everything isn't always about me. I am blessed to have two friends named LAUREN AND AMY who put up with my nonsense 97% of the time without complain. I can be a jerk sometimes, and they still like me. How cool is that!? I know there are bound to be more changes in my future, but I really want to start focusing on all of the great things I can get out of the now.

Anyway the point of all of this is to tell you to start appreciating what you have. Don't wait until 20 years from now when you reminisce and start longing for the moments you took for granted. Seize the day, people! Be happy. Tell people you love them. Leave an impact on those around you and start recognizing how they are leaving an impact on you.

**I went a little overboard on the pictures. I couldn't help it! Going through old pictures is an obsession.**

Reactions

Do you know what I absolutely cannot stand? I can't stand when survivors are told how they should feel and how it is acceptable to act by other survivors.

I can't stand that people think all of us have been in the exact same boat, that we all react the same, that there is a blanket policy to help struggling rape survivors.

That policy does not exist.

I was not attacked by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. I didn't have obvious physical injuries (the ones I did have were concealed pretty well with makeup and hoodies even though it was like 80 degrees outside, and even those bruises went away within days).  I wasn't even sure what had happened could be considered an attack.  I have learned a lot since then, and that is that no two assaults are the same. No two people react to it in the same way. I have met some girls who have been assaulted and we have all handled our situations in different manners. Each of our situations were different. The only thing that is the same about us is that we went through a trauma and we came out of it alive.

I am going to tell you the reactions of 2 other girls. I do not judge any of them (and have been given permission by all to share what they've gone through) and I pray that you don't either. In the aftermath of trauma people act in different ways. They do what makes them feel safe, and comfortable.

Woman 1: She was attacked by a complete stranger while she was jogging in a park. Her physical injuries were pretty extensive and she was in the hospital for quite some time. I met her through someone in a support group I was a part of for a while. She is amazing. Her reaction to her assault was to take back control of her own body. While I have known plenty of people who don't want to be touched in any way after an assault (including myself. I didn't even want people hugging me for the  longest time), she was not the same. In her words she "slept with a lot of guys...I mean...A LOT. I did it because I had control, and I got to decide what happened to me and I liked feeling like I had some say again." Many people won't understand that kind of reaction. I do. I didn't have that reaction, but I understand it.

Woman 2: Assaulted repeatedly by her husband before she was able to finally find a way out of the relationship and get somewhere safe. She trusts no one now.  She is one of the most incredible people I have met, and always has had something profound to say. Right now she's pretty much a recluse. She rarely leaves her home, she doesn't like talking to people (she was in a support group with me), and she won't interact with people. Doing things like going to the grocery store gives her anxiety.

My own reaction: My own reaction was to panic, try and hurt myself so I wouldn't have to deal with my emotional pain anymore, hide out in my apartment. Then suddenly I started to change and put myself in a lot of risky situations because I didn't care what happened to me. I became even more stubborn than I had been before. When I changed again I became emotional. I didn't want to deal with the outside world, I was weepy 24/7. And then, finally, I found a voice again. It was strange because it wasn't the voice I was used to, but it was my new voice. I suddenly wanted more for myself and for other people and I was willing to speak up to get what I wanted. I have calmed a lot since then, and have found it easier to deal with my feelings and fears. I can actually live a normal life.

All 3 of us are living our lives. Are we living them in the way we expected? No. But for the most part (from what I've seen) we're all ok with how we are now. If I could have a do over I would probably go back and make sure none of this ever happened, but that's not how life works. I don't define myself by my circumstances, so you can't either. We are complex people and are more than how we handle tragedy.

The point I am trying to make is that if you are trying to help someone who is struggling with the aftermath of an assault, there is no handbook. You can't help them based on what you've heard other people say you should do. Look at these 3 scenarios I just gave you. We all reacted in extremely different ways. The best thing for you to do is to ask what you can do for that person. It's a simple question. How can I help you? Sometimes the best answer we can give is 'nothing'. There are plenty of times I just wanted to be left alone. The other important thing I want everyone to remember is that it is never ok to tell someone they aren't behaving in the "right" way. If they are doing something harmful it's fine to intervene, but otherwise if you think that someone who has survived a traumatic event is reacting in a strange way...keep it to yourself! The last thing any of us wants to hear is that we're weird.

This has been a PSA :)

Happily

I have been sick for 4 days, and that, my friends, has given me time to think. Friday when I was vomiting my brains out I was convinced I was dying, and I started wondering...what if I really were to die tomorrow? Life isn't guaranteed...I don't know when my time is. Instead of worrying about that I started worrying about whether or not I have done things in my life that make me happy. Or have I been doing things that are expected of me by other people for fear of judgement and a lack of acceptance?

I don't want to be the kind of person who on her dying day (hopefully when I am very very old) looks back and regrets the things she didn't do. I realized there are so many things that make me happy that I don't do anymore because other people will laugh or won't understand the appeal. Why should I let other people stop me from living my life happily? I shouldn't.

See, I really enjoy watching Disney movies and giggling like a 6 year old while I watch them. They make me happy. I don't want to be told that I'm immature and need to grow up. I am grown up. I just happen to like things that we've deemed only acceptable for children. I own coloring books, people. My mom sent me packs of glitter crayons for Christmas. When I am stressed out, coloring makes me happy. It is a simple pleasure that helps me combat my stress. Something I shouldn't be ashamed of, yet find myself not admitting to people.  When I am having a day where I feel beautiful I WILL take a picture of myself and put it on facebook, or send it to my mom ( BECAUSE MY MOM THINKS I'M PRETTY). Does that make me vain? Maybe. But it also makes me happy, and like I am worth something, and gives me a way to show that I feel good about myself that day. I laugh a lot....laughter makes me happy.  I was once told that I laugh too much. I don't think that's possible. If you cannot find joy and humor in any situation then you are doing it wrong.

Going to Target and scouring the clearance shelves for hours makes me happy. Cooking makes me happy. Playing video games makes me happy (yeah, that's right I'll play some Super Mario all day eerday.)  Daydreaming about my future makes me happy, sharing things about my life with people makes me happy.

I tell the people who are important to me that I love them and appreciate them everyday because making sure they know is something that makes me happy. Traveling, exploring new things and places, making a difference in someone's life (big or small), watching other people do things that are selfless, hugging people, making spontaneous decisions....these are all things that make me happy.

The point I am attempting to make is that you can't let the fear of what other people think stop you from doing what makes you happy. If you want to nerd out over Doctor Who (who wouldn't want to let's be serious) then do it! If you want to pick your nose and eat it then do it (though from a sanitary standpoint I would not necessarily advise this)!  Of course I would never encourage you to do something hazardous that would be putting you at an extreme risk. But if you want to write Twilight fan fic, dress up like spiderman, eat 3 cheeseburgers in a row when you're sad, or make up back stories for people you see walking down the street because it makes you happy, then who am I to judge you or stop you?

Who gave anybody the right to stop us from doing what makes us happy?

For the past 2 and a half years I have lived in fear of being judged. For those of you who have been around me consistently, you'll recognize my favorite line to deliver before telling you something..."don't judge me." I'm making a vow to myself to stop prefacing things with those words.

If I have learned anything the past 2+ years it is that life can change in an instant. When I walked into a friend's apartment on May 5, 2011 do you think I realized that at 2am my world would be completely different? Do you think I knew I would be fighting for my life for the next 2 years? I had no clue. I was so blind to the fact that anything could happen without warning...until it happened. You would think that that experience would have taught me right away to start living fully. It didn't. It took a long time to get to that point. I honestly wish I had had someone constantly at my side telling me to stop being pitiful, to stop worrying about everyone else, and to start living for me. To start living out my own happiness.

My message to you today is to start living a life that you can look back on on your dying day and not regret. Go get that pedicure, call that friend, eat that chocolate cake. Don't you dare let anybody else tell you what should and should not make you happy.

Instinct

If you only listen to one piece of advice I ever give, I hope that you would listen to this one:

Follow your instinct.

Cliche, I know....but also very important.

I used to credit my gut reactions on nerves. I don't believe that anymore at all. No matter what your beliefs (when I start doubting something I truly believe it's God trying to tell me I need to think deeper about whatever situation I find myself in, and if that is not something you believe in that's ok) I feel like it is vital to remind yourself to go with your gut.

If you find yourself in a position where you are starting to doubt something, starting to question where you've found yourself, or something just doesn't feel right, then DO something about that feeling! Don't push it under a pile of excuses. The larger that pile gets, the more you bottle those problems until they get so fierce that they explode.

I am absolutely not saying that every time you feel a twinge of doubt that you should run for the hills. I am also not saying that you should immediately make a new decision. I just feel like if I have learned anything from my situation it is that you need to take a step back, breathe, and think. Make sure you're doing what is best for you. Make sure you are making a decision that is safe. Make sure you are choosing a path that you won't regret.

Do I have regrets about the night I was raped? Absolutely. I made some questionable judgement calls. I had knots in my stomach that I had at one point determined needed to be addressed, but quickly cast them off as butterflies and scolded myself. It was time to grow up, it was time to take chances, it was time to let myself be happy and let myself get swept up in the moment. Unfortunately I have watched way too many romantic comedies and realized that in reality growing up means having to deal with things you never imagined you would deal with.

I didn't realize that while I was pushing aside my instinct, I was also playing Russian Roulette with my life. I took a big risk, and I am very blessed that it didn't turn out worse than it did.

I am not in any way trying to imply that every time you push aside your gut feelings that you are risking your life. I feel like that is a rarity that I experienced. But think of all of the other things ignoring your instincts can do! You could waste a lot of time doing something you aren't passionate about, being with someone who isn't a good fit for you, trying to please people who aren't really your friends.

Think of all of the opportunities you can miss like love, and work opportunities, and adventure! If I had followed my instinct for my entire existence thus far, my life would be incredibly different. Would it be better? Maybe...there's no way to know for certain. Would I have experienced more in my life? Yep, for sure.

Do I still have time to take my own advice and seize life with a new outlook? Absolutely.

I am young, I am courageous, I am curious, I am loved, I am worthy of a good life. So what I need to stop doing is what everybody thinks I should do, and what everyone tells me I should be doing. Don't get me wrong, I still take advice! However, I am going to trust my instinct first. If something doesn't feel right, I am going to spend so much more time mulling it over.

I'll pray about things more, I'll weigh my options more. I'll make pro and con lists (I love lists!). I don't want to dive into the first decision that makes sense without knowing if it's the right thing for me. And if I do happen to do just that, and suddenly feel like something is off I won't ignore it anymore.

Follow your instinct, people. It could be the key to a happier life.