On Facebook it seems like almost everyone I know has kept up with their days of thankfulness. I am not one of those people, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. This post is just that, a list of what I'm thankful for.
1. I am thankful for my family. They have made life fun and interesting for the past 23 years and I would not trade them for anything.
2. Whitney: One of the few friends I have kept from college. She has seen me through good and bad. This girl has pulled me from rock bottom and celebrated when I'm on top of the world. We nerd out together, she goes to see superhero movies with me even when she's already seen them, and doesn't get mad at me for breaking her washing machine.
3. Lauren: The first friend I made at work on that fateful day when we were both attempting to make a tree and needed brown bulletin board paper. Who knew that that small adventure would turn into gaining one of my best friends? She's seen me through a lot of ups and downs, talked me into buying a pet rabbit that I clearly didn't need, and is my favorite shopping buddy. Lauren does not sugar coat anything which is one of her finer qualities, and I can always trust her to tell me how things are.
4. Amy: My life twin! We both like weird vegetables, Backstreet Boys, and a million other things. Amy and I look just alike and confuse all of the kids at school (so fun!). What I love most about Amy is she is so not judgey at all, and I know I can go to her to ask questions, vent, cry or laugh. She puts up with my nonsense and never complains. She is so wonderful!
5. I am thankful for having a wonderful job. I know there are people in the world who would complain about what teaching entails, but even when things get difficult I find myself being rewarded. It may not be the highest paying job, but a room full of smiles and laughter makes up for it. I love my students and I could never see myself doing anything else. I am grateful for the opportunities I'm given to comfort, and to teach life lessons. These kids make me laugh all of the time and make me realize how blessed I am to be a teacher.
6. I'm thankful for my itty bitty shoebox apartment. It's not much, and I have some ratchet neighbors....but I have a place to come home to everyday. It keeps me safe and warm in the winter and cool in the summer. It's a place where I can relax when I'm tired, recharge when I'm sick, and a place where I can enjoy my friends. This apartment has served me well....we once crammed 6 people in here for an entire weekend when I graduated. I like my little apartment!
7. I am thankful to have a car that works. Love me some Little Blue. My car is so cute and runs and is just perfect for me. Plus the trunk fits lots of shopping bags ;)
8. I am thankful to be alive. There are plenty of times I could have lost my life, and I was spared. Life is tough, but I have help getting through it. I'm glad that I get to live out the best and worst parts of it because it helps shape who I am and hopefully shows others that if I can make it through certain trials, then so can they.
9. I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord. There are days where living for Him is difficult, but I remember all He has done for me and I know that I can make it through any challenge I face. I have been blessed beyond belief, and I don't deserve any of it. I am grateful for those who helped me towards my walk with Him and for those who continue to help me. There are times I ask questions that a 7 year old would probably ask, and none of them judge. They answer with open minds and open hearts. God has placed many amazing people in my life, and has helped me through so much.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! Remember that we don't need a day or a month to be thankful for the things in our life. Everyday there are things we should be thankful for :)
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
My Obsession With Christina Perri, and What That Has to Do With My Mom
Ok so it is not unusual to hear that I've become absolutely obsessed with something, but holy guacamole I just need to share with the world how much I love Christina Perri. If you don't know who she is (and I certainly hope you do....if you don't you're missing out), she sings this, this (which came out the same summer I was raped, and I was obsessed with this song), and this for all you Twilight fans. And I just heard her new song Human and I do believe it's my new favorite thing in the world.
I feel like every time she releases a new single she does it with me in mind. It's like she has a 6th sense, she knows what I'm going through, she knows what I need to hear and she writes a song about it. It's like, thank you famous stranger for verbalizing what I'm thinking so I don't have to find words for it. When people ask how I feel I can just quote some song lyrics or send them a youtube link ;)
So anyway I wasn't a huge fan of her first single, but the second one I ever heard was Arms. Let me tell you what the song Arms means to me.
At first that song sounded like the way I wanted to feel about a boyfriend, or something I could say I had with somebody someday. I take things so literally sometimes that I don't see what power words and actions can truly have. I realized that those lyrics didn't mean anything to me that I originally thought.
To me this song was about my mom.
And to me it's still about my mom, but about a couple of other people as well. There are very few people who can heal me with their words or their hugs.
I am a very guarded individual. I know you would never guess it, but I have a hard time communicating with people on how I feel and what I need. I don't know what to say to people, and I don't know how to respond to what they say to me.
I push people away a lot (but I'm getting better at not doing that!). My mom has been one of those people. I never seem to remember any of the good she's done, I always seem to remember that one comment she made that hurt my feelings, or the mistakes she may have made. I never appreciate the times I could feel her love for me. I never appreciate the fact that she made a lot of sacrifices to be my mom. She has been one of the only people who could ever wrap me up in their arms and I suddenly felt safe, and like I was home. The past couple of years I have put up a lot of walls, and she's been able to see right through them. She knows when I'm not OK, and she knows when I'm hurting. Sometimes the best thing for her to do is back off and not acknowledge it. And that's exactly what I need. She doesn't always know what I need, but she's really good at picking up on my cues and following my lead.
There have been times where I couldn't understand how anyone could love me or why they would want to. Which is so silly now, because I'm awesome ok? My mom loved me through it. Both of us are not the best at showing affection (I'll hug mostly anybody, and I'll say I love you to people....but I've never really been like that with my family. It's not that I don't love them....we're just not like that!) and so sometimes I didn't believe she wanted to deal with me at all. Gosh I was so wrong. She doesn't necessarily agree with all of the choices I make, she doesn't like taking big steps back...but she knows that it helps me. She knows I have to make my own mistakes. And even though we don't always agree, and sometimes we fight, she is always standing and waiting.
I know that when I need my mommy, my mommy will be there. I am not the best daughter in the world. I am not perfect. There are times I just don't want to talk to her because I know she'll say something "mom"like. And there are times I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me either. I can almost guarantee there have been times she's just wanted to pop me on the back of my head and call me an idiot, but we work through it. And I know she'll always be there when I'm ready.
I didn't get to choose my mom. I'm glad, though. Because I was born to a beautiful, smart, imperfect woman and I inherited her best qualities. She knows how to make me laugh, she knows about my long lived obsession with ABBA. She's initiated Dancing Queen dance parties in the kitchen, traveled 700 miles to get me out of the hospital, watched me do an interpretive dance while holding a pickle, has been to every play and choir concert I have ever appeared in and she never once complained. When I was raped she was down here as fast as she could be. She dropped everything whenever I said I wanted something. She had no idea what she was doing. She was floundering like a fish out of water, just like the rest of us. This was new territory. No one we knew had ever dealt with something like this before and we had no idea what my reaction would be....what anyone's reaction would be.
She rolled with the punches, she took a lot of abuse from me and dealt with a lot of awful mood swings. This past spring when I had a nightmare and woke up screaming, she was behind me on the couch in the blink of an eye holding me together when I felt like I was falling apart. She let me cry and didn't judge me. I know I don't say it nearly enough, and I know sometimes I seem ungrateful. But (I know you're reading this) I love you, Mom. A lot.
I want to give a shout out to all of the women in my life in NC too who act like my mom sometimes. When I was pushing my mom away you all knew that was the opposite of what I needed to be doing. You knew I needed strong people in my life. But instead of telling me that, you just helped me pick up the pieces and showed me what things needed to be like. You showed me that I really did need my mom.
But you also showed me that there are a lot of loving, caring people in this world who will rally around you and help you back up when you fall as long as you give them a chance.
I love all of you, too.
So I say to you, blog readers of America (and surrounding countries), hug your mommas because they love you and even if you don't act like it all the time you love them.
And to Christina Perri, please keep writing songs that pertain to my life. I love you, too. :)
I feel like every time she releases a new single she does it with me in mind. It's like she has a 6th sense, she knows what I'm going through, she knows what I need to hear and she writes a song about it. It's like, thank you famous stranger for verbalizing what I'm thinking so I don't have to find words for it. When people ask how I feel I can just quote some song lyrics or send them a youtube link ;)
So anyway I wasn't a huge fan of her first single, but the second one I ever heard was Arms. Let me tell you what the song Arms means to me.
At first that song sounded like the way I wanted to feel about a boyfriend, or something I could say I had with somebody someday. I take things so literally sometimes that I don't see what power words and actions can truly have. I realized that those lyrics didn't mean anything to me that I originally thought.
To me this song was about my mom.
And to me it's still about my mom, but about a couple of other people as well. There are very few people who can heal me with their words or their hugs.
I am a very guarded individual. I know you would never guess it, but I have a hard time communicating with people on how I feel and what I need. I don't know what to say to people, and I don't know how to respond to what they say to me.
I push people away a lot (but I'm getting better at not doing that!). My mom has been one of those people. I never seem to remember any of the good she's done, I always seem to remember that one comment she made that hurt my feelings, or the mistakes she may have made. I never appreciate the times I could feel her love for me. I never appreciate the fact that she made a lot of sacrifices to be my mom. She has been one of the only people who could ever wrap me up in their arms and I suddenly felt safe, and like I was home. The past couple of years I have put up a lot of walls, and she's been able to see right through them. She knows when I'm not OK, and she knows when I'm hurting. Sometimes the best thing for her to do is back off and not acknowledge it. And that's exactly what I need. She doesn't always know what I need, but she's really good at picking up on my cues and following my lead.
There have been times where I couldn't understand how anyone could love me or why they would want to. Which is so silly now, because I'm awesome ok? My mom loved me through it. Both of us are not the best at showing affection (I'll hug mostly anybody, and I'll say I love you to people....but I've never really been like that with my family. It's not that I don't love them....we're just not like that!) and so sometimes I didn't believe she wanted to deal with me at all. Gosh I was so wrong. She doesn't necessarily agree with all of the choices I make, she doesn't like taking big steps back...but she knows that it helps me. She knows I have to make my own mistakes. And even though we don't always agree, and sometimes we fight, she is always standing and waiting.
I know that when I need my mommy, my mommy will be there. I am not the best daughter in the world. I am not perfect. There are times I just don't want to talk to her because I know she'll say something "mom"like. And there are times I'm sure she doesn't want to talk to me either. I can almost guarantee there have been times she's just wanted to pop me on the back of my head and call me an idiot, but we work through it. And I know she'll always be there when I'm ready.
I didn't get to choose my mom. I'm glad, though. Because I was born to a beautiful, smart, imperfect woman and I inherited her best qualities. She knows how to make me laugh, she knows about my long lived obsession with ABBA. She's initiated Dancing Queen dance parties in the kitchen, traveled 700 miles to get me out of the hospital, watched me do an interpretive dance while holding a pickle, has been to every play and choir concert I have ever appeared in and she never once complained. When I was raped she was down here as fast as she could be. She dropped everything whenever I said I wanted something. She had no idea what she was doing. She was floundering like a fish out of water, just like the rest of us. This was new territory. No one we knew had ever dealt with something like this before and we had no idea what my reaction would be....what anyone's reaction would be.
She rolled with the punches, she took a lot of abuse from me and dealt with a lot of awful mood swings. This past spring when I had a nightmare and woke up screaming, she was behind me on the couch in the blink of an eye holding me together when I felt like I was falling apart. She let me cry and didn't judge me. I know I don't say it nearly enough, and I know sometimes I seem ungrateful. But (I know you're reading this) I love you, Mom. A lot.
I want to give a shout out to all of the women in my life in NC too who act like my mom sometimes. When I was pushing my mom away you all knew that was the opposite of what I needed to be doing. You knew I needed strong people in my life. But instead of telling me that, you just helped me pick up the pieces and showed me what things needed to be like. You showed me that I really did need my mom.
But you also showed me that there are a lot of loving, caring people in this world who will rally around you and help you back up when you fall as long as you give them a chance.
I love all of you, too.
So I say to you, blog readers of America (and surrounding countries), hug your mommas because they love you and even if you don't act like it all the time you love them.
And to Christina Perri, please keep writing songs that pertain to my life. I love you, too. :)
Monday, November 11, 2013
Ruts
Do you ever look back at a moment in your life and wonder, why? Why was I chosen to experience that event? Why did I make the choices that led to that moment? How would things have been different if I hadn't made certain decisions?
I'm sure we all do it. And I am also sure that we each spend way too much time focusing on those moments, whether they were good or bad. What's the point on obsessing over the past? What's done is done and none of us can change that.
Unfortunately it's not that simple.
I used to completely blame myself for what was done to me. I used to worry about it, think about it, and imagine all of the alternate endings to that particular story. It was useless. It always is. As I said before, what's the point? See, then I graduated to placing the blame on the right person. None of it was my fault, I couldn't have done anything to stop it, none of the choices I made should have had any affect on the choices he made. And finally I got to a place where I decided that I didn't care whose fault it was, I just wanted to put it to rest and not worry about it anymore. Thinking had taken up way too much of my life already, and I was just going to accept that it happened and move on. Problem solved, life goes on, I am happy.
And then BOOM. Right when I least expected it, right when everything was going as perfectly as possible, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who knew that one tiny seed of doubt could bring everything crashing back down?
I had a nightmare. Things happened in that nightmare that I never remember happening, but that is how some of my memories of that night had revealed themselves in the past. I found myself caught up in a lot of confusion. What was real? Were they all my fears just surfacing in a dream? And why the heck is all of this coming up now? Now that I'm finally feeling better.
Is this a sick joke? Am I supposed to be strong enough to handle it now? I guess in a way I am strong enough to handle it.
I went a couple of days going through the same things I used to go through. It was my fault. I should have done more. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to be the one to go through it? Why couldn't it have happened to someone more resilient, and not someone who was so sensitive?
And then miraculously after a couple of days those thoughts stopped. I realized how silly it was to think like that. I used my techniques, I cried it out, I phoned a friend...I used all of my lifelines to pull myself back out. This was a small rut, nothing like the huge dark pit I had spent two years trying to claw my way out of.
A weekend that started off on a rotten foot full of emotional roller coasters, ridiculous (yet much needed) tears and a lot of sleeping (the best cure for any affliction in my opinion), I ended it right. I ended it realizing that I am a lot tougher than when I started this journey. I ended it knowing that I can get through just about anything life has to throw at me, and I can do it with a smile on my face, with friends by my side and a full heart.
I don't have to go through it alone. I don't have to be afraid when some of the tough stuff resurfaces. I don't have to pretend to be ok. It's ok to not be ok. I've learned this weekend that what I was experiencing was not self pity, but instead it was my brain trying to wade it's way through the muck. I learned that everything I've learned through therapy and talking to people I trust is what's helping me deal. I really haven't dealt with it yet, not fully anyway. But now I have the tools to deal with it.
The past 2 days could have resulted in me falling back into that dark pit. But instead I saw it as a bump in the road and moved on. Not that it was easy. Ask anyone I talked to freaking out this weekend how easy going it was haha!
Anyway the whole point of this post was to point out that doubting your past is stupid, but it's also a part of dealing with it. The other point was that you don't have to be strong all of the time, but you also can't waste your time pitying yourself and not trying to work through the parts of life that aren't so pretty.
I'm sure we all do it. And I am also sure that we each spend way too much time focusing on those moments, whether they were good or bad. What's the point on obsessing over the past? What's done is done and none of us can change that.
Unfortunately it's not that simple.
I used to completely blame myself for what was done to me. I used to worry about it, think about it, and imagine all of the alternate endings to that particular story. It was useless. It always is. As I said before, what's the point? See, then I graduated to placing the blame on the right person. None of it was my fault, I couldn't have done anything to stop it, none of the choices I made should have had any affect on the choices he made. And finally I got to a place where I decided that I didn't care whose fault it was, I just wanted to put it to rest and not worry about it anymore. Thinking had taken up way too much of my life already, and I was just going to accept that it happened and move on. Problem solved, life goes on, I am happy.
And then BOOM. Right when I least expected it, right when everything was going as perfectly as possible, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who knew that one tiny seed of doubt could bring everything crashing back down?
I had a nightmare. Things happened in that nightmare that I never remember happening, but that is how some of my memories of that night had revealed themselves in the past. I found myself caught up in a lot of confusion. What was real? Were they all my fears just surfacing in a dream? And why the heck is all of this coming up now? Now that I'm finally feeling better.
Is this a sick joke? Am I supposed to be strong enough to handle it now? I guess in a way I am strong enough to handle it.
I went a couple of days going through the same things I used to go through. It was my fault. I should have done more. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to be the one to go through it? Why couldn't it have happened to someone more resilient, and not someone who was so sensitive?
And then miraculously after a couple of days those thoughts stopped. I realized how silly it was to think like that. I used my techniques, I cried it out, I phoned a friend...I used all of my lifelines to pull myself back out. This was a small rut, nothing like the huge dark pit I had spent two years trying to claw my way out of.
A weekend that started off on a rotten foot full of emotional roller coasters, ridiculous (yet much needed) tears and a lot of sleeping (the best cure for any affliction in my opinion), I ended it right. I ended it realizing that I am a lot tougher than when I started this journey. I ended it knowing that I can get through just about anything life has to throw at me, and I can do it with a smile on my face, with friends by my side and a full heart.
I don't have to go through it alone. I don't have to be afraid when some of the tough stuff resurfaces. I don't have to pretend to be ok. It's ok to not be ok. I've learned this weekend that what I was experiencing was not self pity, but instead it was my brain trying to wade it's way through the muck. I learned that everything I've learned through therapy and talking to people I trust is what's helping me deal. I really haven't dealt with it yet, not fully anyway. But now I have the tools to deal with it.
The past 2 days could have resulted in me falling back into that dark pit. But instead I saw it as a bump in the road and moved on. Not that it was easy. Ask anyone I talked to freaking out this weekend how easy going it was haha!
Anyway the whole point of this post was to point out that doubting your past is stupid, but it's also a part of dealing with it. The other point was that you don't have to be strong all of the time, but you also can't waste your time pitying yourself and not trying to work through the parts of life that aren't so pretty.
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