I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days and have come to quite a few realizations about myself and my life. As of right now I am done blogging solely about the terrible things I've been remembering. Those stories, fears, and anxieties in detail are being reserved for those I speak to in person. Writing them out helps immensely, but I never thought about how they could make people feel. Reading about how someone you care about has gone through more trials than you were aware has to hurt a lot more than not knowing at all....and I'm through with hurting people. I actually seriously considered deleting this blog all together. I think I've said that one other time, but I really had to think and pray on it a lot this time. My name is attached to all of this and I often wonder who is able to find it and read it. After a lot of careful prayer and consideration, I have decided to keep it for now. The blog has done more good than bad at this point, and I'm afraid that the girls I now talk to on a regular basis (and new readers) either won't be able to find the support they need if I delete it completely. I'm also afraid that those who read this won't necessarily trust an anonymous author, or won't take what I have to say to heart if I turn this thing to anonymous. What I am sharing is far too important to stop now. I'm still not sure what exactly I am supposed to do with most of this, but I can assure you that I will continue doing whatever it takes to reach out to other survivors and show them that even though the road to recovery can be crappy, it is so worth it. So from now on I am trying to put a positive spin on what I've endured. Honestly, rape is not something I would choose to endure, but that lone experience has helped shape the person I am becoming and that girl is pretty awesome.
It took a very long, emotional conversation on Saturday with someone I was having coffee with to make me realize just how strong I am. I have always been the first to talk about how weak I am, how lost I feel, and how my life is falling apart. A wonderful friend listed all of the things that make me strong. I'm not one to point these things out, but after we spoke I wrote them down so that when I get discouraged I can look at them and remind myself that I am ok.
1. Despite the fact I was raped I came back to the same city and lived there for another year.
2. Although everything was falling apart during my senior year at UNCG I still managed to graduate ON TIME with good grades.
3. Even though I was struggling with anxiety and depression I was able to start a career that I absolutely love.
4. Even though it hurts sometimes, I have made it a point to use my voice to show other survivors they are not alone.
Looking at those few things I realize that those were always things I brushed to the side. They didn't seem like a very big deal at all. I felt like I was obligated to pursue a career, to suck it up and finish school and to talk about what I was going through. After reading several other survivor's stories I can see that I am one of few who actually accomplished those feats. Not being able to do those things is no reflection on any of them at all. I actually find myself surprised that I was actually able to push through. I guess that was my way of showing him that he won't win. It was my stubborness and attitude that helped me over those bumps and I am so grateful for that.
I have also been thinking about how I take so many things for granted. I am so quick to focus on the negative. Sometimes I catch myself slipping into feeling sorry for myself. I completely ignore the blessings and positive things in my life.
1. I am healthy enough to wake up every morning and go to work.
2. I have a job at a school I love, working with people I love, and working with kids who can always brighten my day.
3. I don't have a plethora of close friends, but that's ok. The friends I keep close are absolutely incredible. We all compliment each other well and we will always be there for each other. Sometimes work, and other obligations make it difficult to spend a lot of time together, but I try my best to savor the time I do spend with them and I would drop everything to help them.
4. I have been blessed with skills and talents that for a time seemed useless, but now I can see that each one has a purpose. Each one enhances my life and enables me to do what I was meant to.
There are so many other things I could talk about, but you get the idea.
From this point forward I am going to post more about the positive things in my life. Let's be serious...sometimes it seems like sometimes I just go from one bad experience to the next. You guys never hear about the wonderful, amazing things in my life. I allow the negative to overshadow everything that makes me happy. And I'm done doing that :)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Torn Between Being Emotional, And Being a Princess.
When things are broken our first reaction is typically to try and fix it. Unfortunately some broken things are not that easy to fix, and repairs take time.
I feel like this is why I have been getting increasingly frustrated this week. I want to be put back together quickly. I wish it were something instant, and I struggle with the fact that it cannot be. I have been hurt too much purposely, and on accident. Sorting through emotions and thoughts and fears becomes truly exhausting and there are days I just want to give up.
I have to start telling people how what they've said has affected me and how it's made me feel. The issue I have is that I don't necessarily know how. In a way I want to cut all ties with those people. I don't want to bother fighting anymore. It would be easiest for all involved to severe our relationship and pretend we want nothing to do with each other. The other part of me, deep down, knows she doesn't want that at all.
The emotionally exhausted half of me wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone. She is anxious. She is sad. She is angry. This half gets upset and anxious over ridiculous things. She freaks out every time she sends a text or email or has to make a phone call. You can find Emotionally Exhausted Girl either in the corner of the couch or in a corner on the floor. She will be curled up in a ball trying to make herself as physically small as possible. She doesn't want to deal with her depression any more. She doesn't want to keep pretending that everything is perfect, when in fact, everything is far from it. This girl is someone I don't want to be, but unfortunately that's who I've been for longer than expected.
I am terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I've come to love and care about. I am afraid to tell anyone how I'm truly feeling, because I feel like they'll get sick of hearing it and leave. I so desperately need to be checked up on once in a while so I don't completely self destruct, but I don't know how to ask for that kind of help. Life does not involve around me, everyone has things they are dealing with and have lives they are living. But sometimes I just need help. I need encouragement. I need to know that somebody, anybody, is willing to listen/offer a shoulder to cry on (literally)/give a hug/just sit with me. I sound so needy it makes me sick.
Now don't get me wrong, I have seen vast improvement since the beginning of June. The mix of medicine and therapy I have been given is helping a lot. But sometimes I don't want to go to therapy. Sometimes I don't want to take my medicine. And sometimes even when I do everything I'm supposed to, I still find it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I don't know how noticeable it's been, but I have been feeling a lot happier, compared to April, May and most of June. The problem, though, is that so many people (including myself) are expecting perfection and for me to be completely "cured". Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.
The other half of me is still a sassy princess. She likes to joke around, tease her friends, and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things. That half gets frustrated at herself when she finds herself in the middle of a crying spell (which still happens way more often than I would hope), or unable to move off the couch. She fights. She makes snarky comments. Her perfect day would be putting on a pretty dress, drinking 10 million iced caramel coffees, going shopping with her friends and smiling. She just wants to be happy. She doesn't like trying to make herself disappear when her anxiety is through the roof. The problem with this half is she is so happy go lucky she is often in denial. Nothing traumatic happens to pretty princesses. Good girls like her don't get hurt, they don't get sad. Her past shouldn't haunt her, and the muck that surfaces in her brain during therapy makes her run and hide. She doesn't like realizing she's had issues since before she was hurt in the worst way she could ever imagine. And she doesn't know what to do with all of those feelings. That's when the super emotional Kayleigh takes back over.
I've really been struggling with this this week. For anyone who has seen me this week I've seemed happy. I mean, I'm excited about going to the beach next week and all of the awesome stuff coming up this month, but part of me is starting to feel empty again. It upsets me because it feels like a relapse. Not a huge like "sound the alarm, be on standby 24/7" relapse, but more of a "1 step forward, 2 steps back" type thing. There are some very serious conversations I need to have with some people, but I'm uncomfortable approaching any of those subjects and it's stressing me out. I'll figure it out, I usually do. I just wish it would happen faster. I like quick results.
I feel like this is why I have been getting increasingly frustrated this week. I want to be put back together quickly. I wish it were something instant, and I struggle with the fact that it cannot be. I have been hurt too much purposely, and on accident. Sorting through emotions and thoughts and fears becomes truly exhausting and there are days I just want to give up.
I have to start telling people how what they've said has affected me and how it's made me feel. The issue I have is that I don't necessarily know how. In a way I want to cut all ties with those people. I don't want to bother fighting anymore. It would be easiest for all involved to severe our relationship and pretend we want nothing to do with each other. The other part of me, deep down, knows she doesn't want that at all.
The emotionally exhausted half of me wants nothing more than for the world to leave her alone. She is anxious. She is sad. She is angry. This half gets upset and anxious over ridiculous things. She freaks out every time she sends a text or email or has to make a phone call. You can find Emotionally Exhausted Girl either in the corner of the couch or in a corner on the floor. She will be curled up in a ball trying to make herself as physically small as possible. She doesn't want to deal with her depression any more. She doesn't want to keep pretending that everything is perfect, when in fact, everything is far from it. This girl is someone I don't want to be, but unfortunately that's who I've been for longer than expected.
I am terrified that I'll be abandoned by everyone I've come to love and care about. I am afraid to tell anyone how I'm truly feeling, because I feel like they'll get sick of hearing it and leave. I so desperately need to be checked up on once in a while so I don't completely self destruct, but I don't know how to ask for that kind of help. Life does not involve around me, everyone has things they are dealing with and have lives they are living. But sometimes I just need help. I need encouragement. I need to know that somebody, anybody, is willing to listen/offer a shoulder to cry on (literally)/give a hug/just sit with me. I sound so needy it makes me sick.
Now don't get me wrong, I have seen vast improvement since the beginning of June. The mix of medicine and therapy I have been given is helping a lot. But sometimes I don't want to go to therapy. Sometimes I don't want to take my medicine. And sometimes even when I do everything I'm supposed to, I still find it nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I don't know how noticeable it's been, but I have been feeling a lot happier, compared to April, May and most of June. The problem, though, is that so many people (including myself) are expecting perfection and for me to be completely "cured". Unfortunately life doesn't work that way.
The other half of me is still a sassy princess. She likes to joke around, tease her friends, and laugh hysterically at the dumbest things. That half gets frustrated at herself when she finds herself in the middle of a crying spell (which still happens way more often than I would hope), or unable to move off the couch. She fights. She makes snarky comments. Her perfect day would be putting on a pretty dress, drinking 10 million iced caramel coffees, going shopping with her friends and smiling. She just wants to be happy. She doesn't like trying to make herself disappear when her anxiety is through the roof. The problem with this half is she is so happy go lucky she is often in denial. Nothing traumatic happens to pretty princesses. Good girls like her don't get hurt, they don't get sad. Her past shouldn't haunt her, and the muck that surfaces in her brain during therapy makes her run and hide. She doesn't like realizing she's had issues since before she was hurt in the worst way she could ever imagine. And she doesn't know what to do with all of those feelings. That's when the super emotional Kayleigh takes back over.
I've really been struggling with this this week. For anyone who has seen me this week I've seemed happy. I mean, I'm excited about going to the beach next week and all of the awesome stuff coming up this month, but part of me is starting to feel empty again. It upsets me because it feels like a relapse. Not a huge like "sound the alarm, be on standby 24/7" relapse, but more of a "1 step forward, 2 steps back" type thing. There are some very serious conversations I need to have with some people, but I'm uncomfortable approaching any of those subjects and it's stressing me out. I'll figure it out, I usually do. I just wish it would happen faster. I like quick results.
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