When My Mind Races....

I have like 50 billion thoughts running through my head and so this post is probably going to be random and sporadic. I went through my Twitter today just for the heck of it and saw all of these things I posted 2 years ago and it is insane how much I was crying out for help (but not in real life, because I was afraid to). Also it was insane how much I loved tweeting about the free samples I got to eat everyday of my life when I worked at the Lindt Outlet. This internet throwback also reminded me of random things that at the time were kind of sad because they were some of the few things that made me happy....but now they make me smile :)  My mom taking my for orange chocolate custard with rainbow sprinkles after I had to go for my STD screening makes me smile. My sister Megan leaping down the stairs to make me an omelet at midnight because I was finally hungry makes me smile. My sister Katie snuggling with me and impersonating baby animals makes me smile. My dad watching Easy A with me at 3am because our allergies were killing us makes me smile. I also remember that for a week straight I would still be up at dawn (I couldn't sleep that summer) and I watched 3 baby foxes frolic around in the backyard. That image doesn't just make me smile, it puts a big goofy grin on my face.  These things were so simple, but so powerful at the same time. My family literally did everything they could to try and bring some normalcy back in my life. In the process of trying to heal, I seem to have pushed some of those things out of my mind and I wish I hadn't.

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I am happy to report that I went 3 days straight this week with no panic attacks, and hardly any anxiety. The only time I felt even a smidge of anxiety is when I broke a VCR...I'm not getting in to that.  I've also been eating and keeping said food down! In fact Friday night I ate twice. Small victories for me! I think my medicine is starting to work as far as keeping my anxiety down, but it makes me feel kind of sick so I still plan on seeing a psychiatrist to manage my medicine and help me figure out what I can take. I don't trust my doctor with that (OK honestly I don't trust him with much at all) so I think it's best if I just turn it over to someone else.  I also got a phone call Friday and finally set up an appointment with a new counselor. My appointment is Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it.  Hopefully this time I'll have a winner on all fronts, and I'll be able to get some of the help I've been needing.

I do want to be clear, though, that having good days this week does not mean I'm OK now and can just keep it moving like nothing ever happened. A lot of days are still a struggle and I am not 100%. The important thing to remember, though, is that I'm getting there....slowly but surely. I truly wish I could just get over it, but that is not going to happen. I was raped, and I can't change that. And unfortunately, no matter how much I try to pray or wish it away, the things that were done to me and the way I was treated afterwards will haunt me for the rest of my life. My 1st therapist (though a total idiot) was not kidding when she said that my physical wounds were gone, but my emotional, mental and spiritual scars would be there forever. I was hoping she was wrong, but considering how crazy things got for me emotionally since the end of April, I am starting to realize that that is a very harsh reality.
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I was having a conversation with an internet friend who has gone through the same things I have and she shared this quote/idea/whatever that she found with me. 

"I wish that there was a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m having a bad mental health day and need you to pay attention to me,” without alienating everyone.

or: “I’m having a bad mental health day and need to be on my own for a while so please don’t be mad if I cancel our plans on short notice.”
or: “i’m having a bad mental health day and i don’t know what i need or who i need it from. please help me figure it out.”

There have been so many times especially over the past month where I've needed to say all of these things at different times and I just don't know how.  Here is my public plea to everyone. Those people who have been friends with me from the start, new friends, my family, coworkers....

Please be patient with me. I am trying so hard to get through all of this mess that is going on inside and I know it's difficult to handle me sometimes. If I'm looking like I'm in a daze, I'm probably having a bad day. If I start texting you a lot I can almost promise it's because I am desperate for a friend at that point. If I don't respond to you right away you have every right to worry....BUT sometimes I just need a minute by myself to try and sort things out. I am not intentionally trying to push any of you away....if I start pushing please push back.  Don't walk away. When you get upset with me I get so upset. I am not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just trying to fix me. I am broken and I need to figure out how to piece me back together. When you talk about me (in not so nice ways) and I'm standing right there I CAN HEAR YOU. I may not respond, but it's because I literally can't. There are days where it takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed, to go to work, to speak to anyone. It takes energy some days to crack a fake smile. All I ask is that you please be sensitive to the fact that even I don't understand what the heck is going on with me. Just please, please....don't give up on me. 
Also I really like hugs. All day everyday. 
I am being serious when I say these things....and they aren't easy to say. And if you feel like any one in particular needs to see this go ahead and pass it on. I am done being afraid of sharing my feelings with people (for now anyway).
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Also on a happier note this past Thursday was my 23rd birthday! My parents sent me flowers, my kids brought me cards and delicious cupcakes and other treats (like an apple fritter as big as my head), and Lauren took me out for din. It was a good day, and probably the best birthday I have had in about 4 years. I definitely felt special on Thursday. It got even better Friday night when me and Whit, Lauren, Amy and Rachel went to Celebration Station to celebrate! I terrified everyone on the go karts, went after everyone with the bumper boats that shoot water (even Lauren who swore in the car that if anyone got her wet she would hold a grudge for the rest of her life....as of this afternoon she's still talking to me so I think she's over it haha), and played the longest game of mini golf ever. Thursday and Friday were the happiest I have been in weeks. I screamed, I laughed, I smiled genuinely! I'm blessed to have such wonderful friends.  And so on that note I leave you with this picture of me and my homeslices looking pretty content on Friday night :)

I decided to add this one in too because I just think it's funny and I thought I was going to break the little porch. Photo cred goes to Whitney (WHIT YOU'VE GOTTEN LIKE 6 SHOUT OUTS IN THIS POST AND I AM YELLING WHICH SORT OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THESE PARENTHESIS)

<3 <3 <3

 

Fake It Til Ya Make It

The past few weeks, man.  I don't know.  I had made so much progress over the past 2 years and it seems like I almost completely reversed in the past few weeks.  If we're talking about rock bottom, though, Saturday was my most recent "rock bottom" since last December.  I didn't do anything stupid, and wasn't planning on it.  I was feeling so incredibly depressed, though, and texted Whitney about it.  I went to meet up with her (at Target of all places....I can officially cross 'sit in the middle of Target and cry' off of my bucket list) and just let it out.  Reading that text later on, the way I felt that day scares me.  How do you go from a happy, bubbly person to an empty, emotionless container in a matter of days? 

Last week the first time I ate a full meal I was so proud of myself. But my body couldn't handle it, and I threw it all up about 10 minutes later.  I felt so defeated.  I wanted that tiny victory and my own body couldn't even allow me that.  I just want to be able to eat without having to force food down my throat, and enjoy it, and not feel like eating is a chore. I am so sick of faking it around people. Anyone that is around me on a regular basis knows that I am being so fake when I smile or laugh these days.  It is so forced it is ridiculous. I am trying so hard to survive right now, that normalcy just doesn't seem possible at all.  I would love to sleep normally too.  Waking up on the floor is not ideal, and the bruises on my legs, arm, and hand would agree that whatever is making me thrash and fight with air (and my wall) while I'm asleep needs to back off.  I have gone through enough without having to relive every portion of it every time I close my eyes. That is so unfair.  Wasn't it bad enough the first time? Isn't it bad enough when I think about my rape when I'm awake? Can I just get a little peace?

Honestly, what has been helping me is something 2 years ago I would have never thought would help. God. I have done a complete 180 when it's come to my views on Christianity and God.  2 years ago I would have been hesitant and uncertain and uncomfortable when anyone brought up their belief. Now, the times I feel the most at peace and ok with myself and my circumstances are when I'm at church or have that bible open.  Those are the times I always seem to find what I need and I love that.  I started looking into counseling services this week and found a Christian counselor who seems like they'll be a great fit for me.  I feel like this is something I've needed, but didn't know where to start. And any time in the past that I have ever started considering that what I needed was God, I would start feeling pushed in that direction by others (when that should be a decision I make on my own) or I would get hesitant and scared.  At this point, I have never been so sure about something.  This is what I have needed, God is who will get me through. 

Yesterday afternoon I was giddy about a concert announcement I found, and that excitement bubbled over into today.  I'm not holding my breath.  I passed out again Sunday right before I walked through my front door, and came to surrounded by neighbors I have never seen before.  I hate to be pessimistic, but there is no way that I go from scary, dark, empty place on Saturday (anxety ridden and passing out on Sunday, and moody and anxiety ridden 90% of the day Monday) to totally cured and fine on Tuesday.  No way.  And I feel that that is how it's treated sometimes.  "Oh look, Kayleigh is perfectly fine now!"  I still need a lot of help.  I still need support.  I still need to be reminded once in a while that this crazy hard journey will be worth it, and that people care that I'm hurting. 

I am not cured.  But this is a baby step.  And I will take it. 

The Problem with PTSD

It has been a rough few weeks and I haven't felt much like writing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now, for no particular reason. 

My PTSD has hit a new point for me and it just flat out sucks. I am not going to sugar coat it.  It is so hard to feel so terrible, and for no one to understand how sick you are and feel.  I don't look physically sick, yet getting out of bed and living my life is such a struggle I cannot even stand it. Panic and anxiety have become daily routine....to the point where last week I ended up at Urgent Care on Monday and the ER on Wednesday.  One of those attacks was so bad I passed out.  That has never ever happened to me before and it felt HORRIBLE. 

Despite how some people have reacted, going throughout my day with a giant knot in my stomach is not how I want to spend my life.  This medicine is not kicking in and I can't get in to see the specialist of my choice until June.  There are so many other stresses contributing to all of this, and it makes it that much harder to put up with it.  It's so hard to know what is triggering them! If I could figure it out that might make my life ten times easier. 

I have been pretty proud of myself the past few days, though.  I was able to celebrate little things like eating half of a meal (eating anything at all really), sleeping for multiple hours at a time, and the big one was Sunday when I decided to try another church but got anxious about going by myself and made myself do it anyway....I ended up really liking it and plan on going back so I was definitely proud of the fact that I was able to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

I survived yesterday.  It was a struggle, and May 6th will always be the worst, but I made it through mostly all together.  I had a rough day, I was on edge, and I wanted to cry a lot.  But I pushed through and made it through a full day of work, and didn't even cry. Holla!

I'm still struggling with the decision to keep this blog or not.  I know it's helped some people (because yall have told me) but it's starting to occur to me that some people may judge me for what was done to me and what I've been through.  For now I guess I'll keep rollin' with it, but I am definitely blocking certain people on Facebook from seeing it.  I just don't know that I'm comfortable with certain people knowing what I'm going through.