I was supposed to go on a date this week.
I cancelled.
Apparently I am not ready to date. Apparently I have not been ready for the past 2 years. Apparently every time I like someone and don't do anything about it I'm stupid.
Next person to call me stupid over something like that is a)no longer my friend/family and b)disowned forever. I am dead serious. Don't you dare judge how I handle relationships when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes. Get raped by someone you just met and then see how comfortable you feel meeting new people. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I panic and I can't help that. If you know everything there is to know about everything feel free to intervene. If you don't then I suggest you stay out of it.
No matter how I've met people I've been judged for it. I tried the online thing;freaked out. I tried meeting friends of friends;panicked. Honestly I don't have that many friends to begin with, so going that route doesn't necessarily work. I think I consistently talk to and hang out with 3 people. Funny how when you decide to open up (i.e. my blog) people will go online and talk about how brave you are, how proud of you they are....but they make no effort to keep your friendship going. (By the way, I am so done with those people.)
It doesn't help either that I even have this blog. People are going to see it eventually. I dread finally dating someone and then having to explain all of this mess. Some days I don't even know why I keep the stupid thing. Who is going to read all of this and think "wow she's such a great girl, I want to keep her around!"? I have so much stinkin' baggage I wouldn't be surprised if guys ran away screaming.
I'm going to go buy about 10 more Mufasas and become a crazy rabbit lady. That's pretty safe. I am just so not feeling it tonight at all and I am so aggravated. I will tell you right now...I am going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to switch between being sad and being angry.
If that's something that you think is ridiculous then you need to have no part of this blog anymore. This is my space to vent. Venting in person usually falls flat since people don't typically understand.
Anyway. This post may disappear by tomorrow morning :) for now I'm going to sleep.
Kayleigh, only YOU will know when you're ready, and if other people don't understand that, to hell with them. There are good men out there who will be hugely sympathetic to what you've gone through, and who will not judge you. I promise. The worst thing you could do right now is force yourself to do something you know you're not ready to do, just because someone else thinks you should. Like you said, let them walk a mile, etc. You'll get there when you get there, and your true friends - old and new - will be right there with you. xxoo
ReplyDelete