Felt like taking a break from doing stuff for school, and figured I'd blog instead :)
I had this awesome dream last night involving a lot of the stuff that's been happening to me. I've been thinking a lot about what life would be like if You-Know-Who attacked another girl but actually got caught this time. I know, I know....some of you are thinking "but he has gotten caught" but I'm talking like, what if he got caught and actually got arrested and had to go to court. That would be the best news of my life. I would never wish any of this on another woman EVER. The emotional pain far outlives the physical pain and it's something you don't get over. Therapy is expensive (part of the reason I quit) and sometimes it doesn't even work (shall we remember Therapist #1? a GEM that woman is....NOT). I just want to make it clear that being raped is not something I would ever wish on another human being but I DO wish that he would actually have to answer to what he's done to me and who knows how many other women like me. Jerk.
So anyway, back to my dream. This dream started in a court room and I was testifying against You-Know-Who (I refuse to put his name on here not to protect him, but to protect myself. And just so we all know I'm talking about my rapist and not Lord Voldemort. BAM.) Testifying against him has always been something I have been terrified of. I don't want to see him again, I don't want to go to court. Did you know that when rape victims testify against their attackers it's a lot like the VICTIM is the one on trial and not the person who actually committed a crime? It's ridiculous. When I was first told he wouldn't be arrested or anything I was semi relieved because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with court. So in this dream I'm sitting there telling the whole courtroom what happened, and You Know Who is sitting there staring me down the entire time. Instead of panicking, though, I felt really confident and stared right back at him. I got everything off my chest, I didn't get questioned about any of the choices I had made that night, and nobody I knew was in the courtroom with me (I always said if I had to go to court for this piece of trash I would want people there for me, but waiting outside so they wouldn't have to hear all of the details.). This all seemed like it could be real life, he even got convicted and thrown in prison for life (rapists never get much jail time unfortunately). Things only got weird when he got thrown into his cell and almost immediately was consumer by a velociraptor. BEST. DREAM. EVER.
This is the first actual decent dream I have had in a few weeks. I woke up pretty content haha.
Life has been good, too. This week started off rough, and should have ended rough since my neighbor decided to back into me with her freakin' car. But I got to spend time with two amazing friends this weekend which made it all better. The anxiety still goes up and down, and I was told by my doctor I have to stop taking the medication I was originally given for it. Apparently this medication if taken over a long period of time will eventually have you dependent on it. You're supposed to take it as needed, and since the need for it has been almost every day we decided to go without meds until he can find something that will work for me which is a big task. I'm such a busy person that it's hard to find something that they can give me that won't make me want to sleep all day, but also won't eventually make me addicted. So wish me luck on that one!
I also just wanted to say thank you for the sweet messages I've been getting from many of you, and for all of the prayers. You can keep praying for me....I always need and appreciate them :) I have made a decision to blog once a week, sometimes I might blog a little more frequently but probably not. For anyone who checks this thing regularly (I know a lot of you do) just go ahead and expect a post every weekend. And if waiting a week to hear what is going on is just absolutely killing you don't be afraid to just ask me how I'm doing or what's going on. I'm pretty open about all of this and I don't mind answering questions (as long as they aren't RUDE questions)! Still can't believe that in a little over a week it'll have been 17 months! Puts everything in perspective....I've come a long way!
Have a great week everyone! :)
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I Just Want To Sleep
Ugh. This weekend, though productive and fun at times, was really rough. I got a lot of stuff done and was able to spend time with friends, but when it came time to sleep every night it was awful. Apparently my nightmares are making quite a forceful comeback and I am SO not ok with that. Friday and Saturday nights I was thrashing around I guess....I'm guessing because my only indication was I woke up with everything on the floor and me hanging halfway off of my bed. I also woke up in the middle of the night both nights screaming.
I can remember bits and pieces of the things I was dreaming about, and they were scary and disturbing and things I wish I didn't have to deal with in my sleep. I don't know why they're coming back out of the blue, maybe it's the time of year or something, but I want them to stop. This is around the time last year that they started because this was around the time I started actually dealing with everything. Maybe there's something in the air that's bringing it all back for me, maybe it's stress (I haven't really felt that stressed though)...who knows.
I've had about enough though. I remember being still asleep-ish and hearing screaming and thinking "I wish my neighbors would be quiet" only to wake up a few minutes later to realize it was me making all of that noise. So uncomfortable. And then of course I couldn't fall back asleep. I was fortunate enough this afternoon to sneak in an hour long nap, but it just wasn't enough. I'm getting ready to head to bed soon...it stinks because I have to get up so early in the morning. I would not wish this on anyone, seriously I hope none of you ever have to go through any of this.
I'm not even sure these can be categorized as nightmares. Sounds more like night terrors, but I could be wrong. Sounds like something I am going to need to research. At least these seem to be my only problem at this point! Everything else is under control, even the anxiety. Or maybe this is part of the anxiety problem. Either way, most things are fine. Oy.
Here's to hoping I actually get a good night's sleep tonight!
I can remember bits and pieces of the things I was dreaming about, and they were scary and disturbing and things I wish I didn't have to deal with in my sleep. I don't know why they're coming back out of the blue, maybe it's the time of year or something, but I want them to stop. This is around the time last year that they started because this was around the time I started actually dealing with everything. Maybe there's something in the air that's bringing it all back for me, maybe it's stress (I haven't really felt that stressed though)...who knows.
I've had about enough though. I remember being still asleep-ish and hearing screaming and thinking "I wish my neighbors would be quiet" only to wake up a few minutes later to realize it was me making all of that noise. So uncomfortable. And then of course I couldn't fall back asleep. I was fortunate enough this afternoon to sneak in an hour long nap, but it just wasn't enough. I'm getting ready to head to bed soon...it stinks because I have to get up so early in the morning. I would not wish this on anyone, seriously I hope none of you ever have to go through any of this.
I'm not even sure these can be categorized as nightmares. Sounds more like night terrors, but I could be wrong. Sounds like something I am going to need to research. At least these seem to be my only problem at this point! Everything else is under control, even the anxiety. Or maybe this is part of the anxiety problem. Either way, most things are fine. Oy.
Here's to hoping I actually get a good night's sleep tonight!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
"Don't You Feel Like Things Would Have Been Easier For You If...."
Sometimes people annoy me. I haven't posted in a while cause there hasn't been much I felt like sharing....but today someone asked me a bunch of questions that really irked me so I figured I'd come complain about it. So I was having a decent conversation with someone who I've never been super close with, but they've been reading my blog and BOY DID THEY HAVE OPINIONS!
I'm just going to go ahead and list all of their ridiculous questions and my responses that I most definitely did not keep to myself.
1. Don't you think that if you had reported it earlier people wouldn't have treated you so badly and he would have been caught?
No. It's not like I waited days or weeks. I waited hours. Even if I had called 911 right after like I should have, he still would have gotten away with it and my life that first year still would have been a living hell. Everything happens for a reason, and I think what happened to me was supposed to happen this way. He'll get his eventually, when it's his time and when that time comes I will sit back, relax, and enjoy watching him squirm like the slimy little worm that he is.
2. You should have kept this a secret....what are people you work with going to think?
Thank you for telling me the things about my own life that I can and cannot share. I really appreciate it. I share this link on Facebook and tumblr, and I'm only friends on FB with two people I work with and one of those people is Whitney who has been dragged along on this ride to begin with. And I'm pretty sure the other one doesn't read this, and if she does well that's cool too. I don't care what people think because it is not something that was a fault of my own. This whole situation should not be a reflection on me in any way whatsoever, I did what I was supposed to do and someone took advantage of an unfair situation. This honestly was probably the dumbest question I have gotten. I think for the first week or two I was worried someone would see it and spread it around but honestly now I just don't care.
3. If you had just kept it to yourself your family could have been spared, that wasn't very fair to them was it?
I guess it wasn't fair. But what happened to me wasn't fair either. I have taken my family through hell and back with me this past year and they dealt with it, know why? Cause they're my FAMILY and that's what family does.
4. Why did you make yourself seem so vulnerable that night?
Direct quote on my end "That doesn't even warrant a response. You may be one of the stupidest people I have ever talked to."
Sometimes I just really dislike people a lot. I know I put myself in a position where I'm open to a lot of criticism. That's what happens when you air your business out on the internet for all to see. I was just hoping that people wouldn't be such jerks. And not everyone has been, but some people have been and good grief it makes me so mad.
Besides all of that mess, life has been good. I've been so busy which is why I haven't been updating this often. I quit therapy, which I think I mentioned earlier but it's official now. I'm so exhausted and barely ever home but I don't mind that either :) And hopefully I can start writing some more posts once things calm down a tiny bit!
I'm just going to go ahead and list all of their ridiculous questions and my responses that I most definitely did not keep to myself.
1. Don't you think that if you had reported it earlier people wouldn't have treated you so badly and he would have been caught?
No. It's not like I waited days or weeks. I waited hours. Even if I had called 911 right after like I should have, he still would have gotten away with it and my life that first year still would have been a living hell. Everything happens for a reason, and I think what happened to me was supposed to happen this way. He'll get his eventually, when it's his time and when that time comes I will sit back, relax, and enjoy watching him squirm like the slimy little worm that he is.
2. You should have kept this a secret....what are people you work with going to think?
Thank you for telling me the things about my own life that I can and cannot share. I really appreciate it. I share this link on Facebook and tumblr, and I'm only friends on FB with two people I work with and one of those people is Whitney who has been dragged along on this ride to begin with. And I'm pretty sure the other one doesn't read this, and if she does well that's cool too. I don't care what people think because it is not something that was a fault of my own. This whole situation should not be a reflection on me in any way whatsoever, I did what I was supposed to do and someone took advantage of an unfair situation. This honestly was probably the dumbest question I have gotten. I think for the first week or two I was worried someone would see it and spread it around but honestly now I just don't care.
3. If you had just kept it to yourself your family could have been spared, that wasn't very fair to them was it?
I guess it wasn't fair. But what happened to me wasn't fair either. I have taken my family through hell and back with me this past year and they dealt with it, know why? Cause they're my FAMILY and that's what family does.
4. Why did you make yourself seem so vulnerable that night?
Direct quote on my end "That doesn't even warrant a response. You may be one of the stupidest people I have ever talked to."
Sometimes I just really dislike people a lot. I know I put myself in a position where I'm open to a lot of criticism. That's what happens when you air your business out on the internet for all to see. I was just hoping that people wouldn't be such jerks. And not everyone has been, but some people have been and good grief it makes me so mad.
Besides all of that mess, life has been good. I've been so busy which is why I haven't been updating this often. I quit therapy, which I think I mentioned earlier but it's official now. I'm so exhausted and barely ever home but I don't mind that either :) And hopefully I can start writing some more posts once things calm down a tiny bit!
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